This week on Lost, Kate attempts some thrilling heroics, Jack accepts his fate, Hurley’s hand disappears, and Ben goes to temple.
Previously on Lost:
YOU KILLED BENNY!!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!!
So it wouldn’t be Wednesday night if Ben wasn’t covered in blood! Jin finds him on the ground with his INsides on his OUTsides and tosses him in the Dharma van for some much needed medical attention!
Horace: Now everyone grab their Disaster Buddy and hold their hands! Just like we practiced, okay?
Jack: I’m new, I don’t have a buddy. Can I go ask that Hostile guy in the jail cell? He seems like he could hold his own.
Horace: Unfortunately no. He has staged a clever escape involving a van that BURST INTO FLAMES, WHICH YOU WILL NOTICE DIRECTLY BEHIND ME. Now shut it, n00b.
Uncle Rico Roger Work Man is all like “How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?”
And Kate is actually INTO IT which is both heinous and sad! She’s like, “Wow we have so much in common, we’re both here, we both wear jumpsuits with our names embroidered on them, let’s make out or something!”
And then Jin comes running up with Bloody Benry in his arms and Roger’s like, “THAT’S MAH BOYYYY! THAT’S MAH SON!”
Kate, who is a) rocking a killer red scrunchie that time traveled from 1992 and appeared on her head, and b) listening to Patsy Cline, which is apparently the only thing she ever listens to, brings Aaron to meet his new Auntie Cassidy!
Cassidy: OMG HI! I saw you on the news!
Kate: OMG HI! Let’s be BFFs and watch Lifetime movies and eat HÃ¤agen-Dazs!
Cassidy: Girl power, sister! Let’s hug and give each other those Hallmark cards that are labeled “Just Because!”
Kate: Neat! We’ll do that right after I give you a message from Sawyer!
So Kate gives all this cash to Cassidy, which is apparently what Sawyer asked her to do before he hopped out of the helicopter! But instead of thinking that he was some kind of Big Damn Hero, Cassidy says he’s a coward!
“He jumped out of that chopper because he didn’t want to deal with his life!”
“No, he jumped out of that chopper because his pure hotness was melting a hole through the engine! We all would have died if it wasn’t for him!”
And then Cassidy magically guessed that Aaron wasn’t Kate’s bay-bee! And then we all found out Kate is probably a horrible poker player!
So Kate runs down into the very “secure” security center to ask Sawyer “WTF THAT KID THAT GOT SHOT IS BEN!??!?! I didn’t recognize him without his smug sense of self-satisfaction!” But then Horace comes in and breaks up the WTF-ing and Sawyer tells Kate she can “run along!”
Having also used the word “scram” earlier in the scene, it is safe to say Sawyer has assimilated into 1970′s culture with flying colors.
Horace (whose hair is looking more and more like a wild animal that is trying to escape from his head) and his lackies have figured out that Sayid didn’t break out alone – someone let him loose! And he had a suspect – Dr. Jan Itor!
Miles and Sawyer take a stroll through the Dharmaville commons. This time, instead of picking flowers and sniffing them, Sawyer tells Miles to put the Losties under house arrest.
“If they’re looking for Dr. Jan Itor, Jack is going to be polar bear food before you know it. He’s the only one around here that’s a doctor AND a janitor!”
Meanwhile, Juliet’s in the OR trying to save little Benry’s life – to no avail.
“I’ve done everything I can. We need a real surgeon! I think…I think we’re going to have to call WHINE-ONE-ONE!!!”
“That’s what I was afraid you were gonna say. Leave it to me, Sugar Booger.”
So Hurley’s staring at his hand and he’s like “So if Ben dies in the past I’m going to start disappearing right? So I have to go to the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance? And play Johnny B. Goode? I don’t even know how to play the guitar…”
“You’ve just proven there IS such a thing as a stupid question.”
“So seriously wait, I’m not going to disappear? Cause I don’t think I can get my hands on a DeLorean any time soon…”
Miles: We’re not here to change anything from the past. This has ALL happened already! We just didn’t experience it yet! Whatever happened, happened!
Audience: *lol episode title*
Miles: Look, just relax. I’m just going to sit here and be all existential and read some Slaughterhouse Five and wait to disappear. Or not.
So then Sawyer runs in, calling WHINE-ONE-ONE!
“Doc! You gotta help us save the kid! If you don’t do something he’s gonna die!!”
So Jack thinks about it for a second and he’s like Hmmm what do I have to do today? Hmmm….mop a floor, unclog a toilet, write in my dream journal…
“Sorry, I’m all booked up today. And we are just blowing through nap time, aren’t we? Let the kid die.” *yawns*
So Sawyer is like appalled by this and he’s like, “You are such a POWER TOOL I can’t believe they don’t sell you at Home Depot.”
Kate goes and tries to and work her old magic on Jack to get him to help Benry!
“So you’re just going to let a kid die??
“Look Kate, I don’t fix people anymore, I make PBJs. Want one? Crusts or no?”
Kate: I thought you were Mr. Fix-It! What the hell??
Jack: I’m not going to fix anything anymore unless it can be done with some sawdust and maybe some Pine Sol, kapeesh? I’m a janitor now, not a doctor.
Kate: The new you blows, I liked the old you!!
Jack: You didn’t like the old me either!!
And then the Anti-Jack Lost viewers wiped away a tear of joy while the Pro-Jack Lost viewers wiped away a tear of sympathy. Either way, there were lots of Jack-related tears. As usual. ;_;
Feeling charitable, Kate went and donated some blood to the Dharma Blood Bank!
Juliet: I can’t believe Jack won’t help Ben. Way to B negative.
Juliet: Sorry, a little blood donation humor for ya, there. Anyway, I really thought Jack would come through. I was sO positive!
Kate: Please stop.
Luckily Roger comes in to check on Ben and he has a nice little heart to heart with Kate.
“I know their looking for Jan Itor, but to be honest I think Ben’s the one who let that Hostile free. I thought I was gonna be Father of the Year. I even bought myself one of those mugs that said ‘#1 Dad’ on it. I guess I was a little premature. Just like my crap kid over there.”
“I mean sure, I may be an alcoholic who abuses his defenseless kid both mentally and physically, but when I’m not the one causing his pain I feel sorta bad for him!”
“You know, I had an alcoholic abusive dad too. I blew up his house. While he was in it.”
“Well Kate, it’s be real nice talking to you this afternoon. I’m just gonna back away slowly and then run like hell, thanks.”
Meanwhile back in the house, Hurley and Miles are still discussing the finer points of time travel.
Miles: Now, you’re looking at now. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Hurley: What happened to then?
Miles: We passed then.
Miles: Just now. Were at now, now.
Hurley: Go back to then!
Miles: I can’t.
Miles: We missed it.
Miles: Just now.
Hurley: When will then be now?
Hurley: Didn’t Ack already use this joke this season?
Miles: She used it in 2009, not in 1977. All part of the time travel, bro.
“So if now is now and then is then, then how come Ben doesn’t know Sayid shot him when he was a kid??”
*is actually out of smartass answers*
By now Juliet has done everything she can do, but little Ben is not doing so hot. Benry, YAH GONNA DY-EEE!
“There HAS to be something we can do!! I’m not letting this kid die on my watch, dammit!!”
And that’s when it hits Juliet – there was a solution. It involved handing a 12-year-old boy over to a bunch of grown men and letting them take his innocence and wipe his memory! And no, it wasn’t the local Dharma NAMBLA chapter, it was…THE HOSTILES! *jazz hands*
So they toss Ben into the very sterile environment of the back of a utility van, and Kate’s ready to go.
Kate: Don’t tell Sawyer I’m doing this, secrets are awesome!
Juliet: I’m showing how healthy our relationship is by saying I’m not going to lie to him!
Kate: Okay friend, I’m glad you’re on my side. When I get back let’s handcuff ourselves together for old time’s sake, yeah?
Juliet: I’ll bring the mud!
After we got to see that dock scene of Sun pointing the gun at Ben for the jillionth time, Kate and Aaron are headed home when he’s like “Mommy, I’m firsty! Mommy, I want some milk! Mommy, I’m annoying!”
So she takes him to the grocery store where Aaron promptly gets all lost in the supermarket (he can no longer shop happilyyy)!!!
And Kate naturally starts freaking out and running through the store in her fierce heels and pencil skirt going, “HAS ANYBODY SEEN MAH BOY??? HAS ANYBODY SEEN MAH SON??
And then we see Aaron walking away with this blond woman and we were like OMGWTFCLAIRE!?!?!?!?!?!
But no, it was just some chick wearing Emilie de Ravin’s wig from Season 4!
So Kate’s got Ben in the van over by the sonic fence thingy and she’s looking for those Super Secret Sonic Fence Defense Weapons (i.e. earplugs) when another van pulls up behind hers!
And it was Sawyer! Or Jim! Or LaFleur! Or whatever the hell we’re supposed to call him these days! And she’s all like, “You can’t stop me! I will cut you!” but Sawyer was like, “Dammit, Freckles!” and all the fangirls went batshit insane! ‘;ldskf’;alskfdl; He ain’t here to stop her, he’s here to HELP her!!
Right after she lost Aaron in the supermarket, Kate goes over to Cassidy’s place. In between watching reruns of Will and Grace and scrapbooking, Kate explained to Cassidy that when Aaron disappeared, she wasn’t surprised that someone took him.
“Why would I expect him to be taken from me?”
Cassidy: Because you stole him.
Kate: No, actually, his mother abandoned him in the jungle for chrissakes, what was I gonna do, leave him on a giant leaf?
Cassidy: Kate, you needed Aaron to fill the hole in your heart Sawyer left.
Kate: Are you sure you’re not just projecting….
Cassidy: HE BROKE YOUR HEART AND SO YOU RAISED A BABY TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER.
Kate: Okaaaay, although I’m pretty sure it was the thing I said.
Cassidy: Don’t sass me, bee-otch.
“Fine. I guess I’ll just go leave Aaron with a complete stranger, that’s the logical thing to do.”
“Why are you helping me?”
“I’m doing it for her.”
“By ‘her’ you mean ME, right??” *is confused that she is not the center of attention*
“Waxed chest? That’s new. I like the way it accentuates your man boobs.”
“Um, excuse me? I look good. DAMN good, okay? I’ve been working out. That Richard Simmons is a genius. And before you ask, I’m not crying. It’s just been showering on my face.”
“I needed you in there today! That boy is going to die because you were too busy writing in your DREAM JOURNAL to come and help save him!”
“That boy grew up to be a menace II society!! I don’t want to save that asshole!! And anyway, I’m here to save YOU so you can start thanking me now, plz.”
“We didn’t need saving!!! And I’m not even going to acknowledge that you guys would have had NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT!!! And anyway, you didn’t come back for us, you came back for YOU. You’re incapable of thinking about ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!!!”
“I’d take that as an insult if I didn’t know for a fact that a) today is opposite day and b) I’m obviously awesome and totally a hero.”
“Opposite day, huh? Well then I think you’re an all around stand up guy. A real winner. An amazing doctor. And I also think that what I saw before you got your towel on was magnificent. Bye.”
So then Kate tells Sawyer all about how Clementine calls her Auntie Kate and whatnot, and how Cassidy said he was a coward, etc etc. And then Sawyer says that things would have never worked out between him and Kate, at which point all self-respecting Skaters stuffed their fingers in their ears!
Sawyer: I couldn’t have been your boyfriend anymore than I could have been Clementine’s dad.
Kate: You seem to have the whole Beaver Cleaver thing going on with Juliet, right?
Sawyer: Well I’m a big boy now. You can tell by the dramatic decline in my use of nicknames and expletives.
Kate: Yeah…you also always seem to have clothes on. I guess old men like you need to stay fully shirted at all times.
And then the Hostiles show up toting their guns and surly dispositions!! And Sawyer tells them he wants a meet and greet with good old Dick Alpert, the Mascara-ed Massacre!
Kate goes to pay a visit to Claire’s mom, who was just visited by Jack the night before, ranting about someone named Aaron. The meeting between Mrs. Littleton and Kate went something like this:
“Mrs. Littleton, your daughter is alive.”
“And she was pregnant when she landed and she gave birth on The Island.”
“And I have her son with me right now.”
“And I’m leaving him with you. Ummm…now. Hope this all isn’t too sudden. You’ve got to take care of him while I go and find your daughter.”
“So sorry for the inconvenience. I’d stay and chat, but I’ve got to go bang my ex-fiance to achieve total self-hatred by tomorrow morning.”
So Kate goes and says goodbye to Aaron, which is actually REALLY SAD omg. ;_;
Because hate Kate or love her, that was a decent thing of her to do when she took Aaron in! And she really does love the kid! But we all know that CLAIRE is supposed to raise that bay-bee, so maybe even though it sucks for now, Kate’s fate is to make sure Aaron doesn’t become the next Ben or something!
Back in the jungle, Sawyer and Kate finally meet up with Richard and ask him if he can heal Ben using his mad skillz.
“If I take him, I will fix him, but he’ll never be the same again. He won’t remember any of you. He’ll lose his innocence and always be One of Us. Once those Dementors suck out your soul, you’re a goner. But it’s not all bad news, we’ll give him fashion tips. And crazy ninja moves. And school him in the ways of the witty quips every bad guy needs to know.”
And as he was walking away, some of the Hostile dudes were like, “What about Ellie and Charles, they should know about this!” and Richard is all like, “DAMN THE MAN, SAVE THE EMPIRE!” and brings Ben into the temple!!!!! ‘l;sdfk’a;lsdfk;l’adsk
At which point in the future Big Ben wakes up from his oar-induced coma…
And looks kind of like this…
And that’s when Locke was like, “Good evening, Benjamin. Prepare to meet THY DOOM. Also, barbecue on the beach at 6. Bring potato salad.”