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This week on Lost, Widmore becomes twice the deadbeat dad he already was, Eloise misplaces her maternal instinct in the jungle, some hippies have a shoot-em-up, and Daniel fulfills his destiny.
So something like 3 weeks later he’s finally rushed to the hospital!
And Penny’s there with her little hippie stoner baby and she’s like “It’s okay baby, I know he’s coding now but he somehow managed to beat Ben into a bloody pulp before all of this, so I think he’s gonna be okay. YAH FATHA’S NOT GONNA DY-EE, CHAH-LEE.”
And Eloise shows up and tells Penny that it’s her son’s fault that this happened – and her son just happens to be Daniel Faraday. And the Lost music was all like “THIS IS A HUGE REVELATION” but we were all like, “Wait seriously, we knew this shit like 4 months ago, right?” lol
Daniel miraculously received the Dharma Newsletter like 7 minutes after Jack and Co. arrived on The Island. It had to have been sent to Ann Arbor via coconut telegraph because snail mail sure as hell wouldn’t have gotten it to him that fast.
So anyway Dan saw this newsletter thing and hopped onto the Dharma Sub ASAP.
He immediately ran to Jack, who was just finished up his weekly chest wax.
Daniel’s all like, “How did you get back?? It was my MOTHER, wasn’t it?? She told you it was your DESTINY, didn’t she?? Well she was wrong, Jack. Neither you nor your freakishly smooth chest belong here.”
And even though Jack has a “No Jears Before Noon” rule, he managed to get a little misty.
Then we meet little Daniel, who is doing what any good child prodigy would do – playing Chopin while doing ridiculously complicated mathematical equations in his head!
Eloise had to give the “Destiny” talk every parent dreads giving to their tween-aged kids…
“Why Daniel, that was so lovely! But unfortunately you’ll have to stop. No extracurriculars until you’ve won your first Nobel Prize. You have no time for piano playing/roller skating/candy/girls/anything fun ever.”
And Daniel was like, “I can MAKE time,” and we’re all like *facepalm* REALLY, LOST? REALLY?? Why don’t you have him say “When am I?” one more time while you’re at it.
Eloise: I know it’s hard now, but you have to become a brilliant physicist so I can eventually send you to a magical island and murder you!
Eloise: Woops! Oh silly me, I’m about 37 minutes too early.
Daniel: Just for that I’m going to name my rat after you.
Of course Jack, who is never one to just accept that he doesn’t have a special destiny, went all NO YOU DIH-INT on Daniel, but Dan had an errand to run!
“GOTTA GO CHANGE THE COURSE OF HISTORY. BRB.”
Jack runs over to Sawyer and Juliet’s place to tattle tale on Dan, but Sawyer’s got problems of his own at the moment. Sawyer’s all like, “Phil has the tape that proves me and Kate handed Ben over to Alpert and his band of Merry Men! So I punched him out and tied him up and stuck him in the closet. I have no idea what possessed me to do that.”
“Look Sawyer, it’s almost the end of the season. We haven’t hit our guy-tied-up-in-closet quota yet. Get with the program.”
So Daniel and Miles show up at The Orchid station and Dan won’t tell Miles what the hell they’re doing there.
Dan: Didn’t you see the Season 5 premiere??
Miles: What the eff are you talking about?
Dan: No time to explain. If I’m not back in 5 minutes…just wait longer.
PF Chang is down in this mining site, attempting to explain time travel to the help.
“Just wait until we install the flux capacitor. Then you’re gonna see some serious shit.”
But that serious shit is exactly what Dan is here to stop from happening!
Daniel: You have to evacuate the Island!! Every man, woman, and child! Jack can go first since he’s all three!
Chang: WTF ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT??
Daniel: Oh, my God, we’re having a fire!! Sale!! Oh, the burning! It burns me! Evacuate all the schoolchildren!
Chang: Get to your point, scientist!
Daniel: If you don’t evacuate everyone off this island within 6 hours, the consequences will be dire!
Chang: And why should I believe you??
Daniel: Because I’M FROM THA FEW-CHAH. BROTHAH.
And of course PF Chang doesn’t believe him, and so in a last ditch effort he tells Chang that Miles is his son! And that’s supposed to convince him! Because there has only ever been ONE man of Chinese descent that has been named Miles in the history of the world!!
Chang: Is this true? Miles, am I your father?
Miles: Psh, NO. That’s not TRUE. That’s impossible.
Chang: What a bunch of malarkey. Good day to you, sirs. I’ve got an Incident to plan and my arm isn’t going to go and lose itself.
So then we see Daniel graduating from Oxford, and he’s with that Theresa chick whose brain he eventually fried (oh, so romantic!). And then who should appear but Eloise with some lovely words of congratulations!
“My, what a pretty girl. I’m sure you have given my Daniel so much over the last few years. Time. Encouragement. Chlamydia.”
After chucking Theresa, Eloise took Dan for some lunch and some disapproving chides.
“Remember what I said. No roller skating, no candy, and NO GIRLS. Your failure has disappointed me. Even your hairdo is FTL.”
“Failure?? Despite the fact that I am obviously pushing 40, I’m the youngest person to ever earn a doctorate from Oxford! I can make rats time travel, I’m respected around the world for my research, I just got a 1.5 million pound grant from some dude named Chaz Widmore, and THIS HAIRSTYLE IS COOL, OKAY MOTHER?!! You are too critical of me!!”
Eloise: Oh you’ve always thought I was too critical. That’s another fault of yours. I’m only doing this to help you. You have to become a brilliant physicist so I can eventually send you to a magical island and murder you!
Eloise: Woops! Oh silly me, I’m about 26 minutes too early.
So she gives Dan his notebook and struts out, leaving us a little worried that Dan’s mommy issues < everyone else's daddy issues, and we all know what that means.
No daddy issues, no role on Lost.
We knew Sawyer had been hanging out with the hippies too long when he turned a chair backwards and got the gang together for a “rap session.”
Sawyer: This isn’t your island. This is our island, and the only reason you’re living on it is because we let you live on it!
Jack, Kate, Hurley: O_o
Audience: LOL HYPOCRISY!
Now they had two choices – steal the sub and take a joy ride back to civilization, or camp out on the beach Season 1 style!
Sawyer: So we have to decide what we’re gonna do.
Daniel: *knock knock knock* James? *knock knock knock* James? *knock knock knock* James? *knock knock knock* James?
Sawyer: Yes Daniel, what do you need?
Daniel: Grab some chinos and a neckerchief, we’re goin’ to see the Hostiles!
And then we got a flashback to a flashback! Remember when we first saw Daniel? And he was a weepy basket case? And we didn’t know why?
Well…we still don’t really know why LOL.
Widmore showed up to convince Daniel to go out on his freighter! I mean it’s not like Dan OWED him anything, just a check for about a million and a half pounds and an undying amount of gratitude! No biggie.
But Dan was seriously a total MESS and he’s just like, “Lookit, mister, I’m out of the science game. My brain resembles KFC Popcorn Chicken at this point. And I’m really sad about this plane crash thingy.”
“But Daniel, that plane crash is a fake. I know where the survivors are. I want to send you to the super secret special Island, and you can do lots of fun science experiments, and there’s a nice beach, and some colorful locals, and best of all it will heal your Kentucky Fried Brain!”
“Ya know, for an evil mastermind, you sure are a nice guy. I wish I could have had a dad like you.”
“So let me get this straight – your mother is another Other?? You got any Other brothers you want to warn us about while we’re on the subject?”
“Well, at the rate people are becoming related to each other on this show lately, I can’t say for SURE, but not that I know of!”
So Daniel tells everyone that he needs to go see his lovely mother because she’s the only one who can get them back to where they belong.
After getting permission from the men to speak, Kate says that maybe she should go with Dan since Claire’s probably somewhere in 2007…but at the same time, it sounds super dangerous!
Sawyer: Come with us, Freckles! (cue all the Sawyer/Kate people going *YAAAAYYY*)
Kate: I don’t know, shouldn’t you ask your woman about this?
Kate: I don’t know what to do, I could stay here with you guys, but maybe I should go with Dan…
Sawyer: If you stay with us I can take care of you!
But then Juliet is immediately like “IF I GIVE YOU THE CODE TO TURN OFF THE PYLONS WILL YOU PLZ JUST GTFO NOW??”
“Sooo…anybody wanna fight over me too? Hm?”
“Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?” *crickets*
So then Dan, Jack, and Kate head off to Hostile World, and Hurley, Miles, Sawyer, and Juliet decide to pack their shit up and head to da beach, boyeeee.
And Juliet and Sawyer did this adorable hand holding thing (cue all the Sawyer/Juliet people going *YAAAAAYYYY*)!
And that’s when Daniel went and had the swingset-side chat with baby Charlotte that would scar her for life!
“I want a goose that will lay me golden eggs for Easter!”
“Now look, pumpkin. I know how strange this is for you. You grew up on an island full of Americans and yet you’ve got a British accent. I understand, I grew up in England, but seem to have an American accent.”
“My mummy told me no chocolate before dinner and no talking to bearded creepers on the playground.”
“Charlotte, I don’t mean to alarm you, but…RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! RUN AWAAAAAAYY!!!!!! Grab your dolly and your Anthropologist Barbie and scoot, ya hear??”
And then a physicist, a spinal surgeon, and a fugitive-turned-mechanic had a shoot-out with a bunch of hippies and a scientific researcher!!!
Only on Lost, folks. Only on Lost.
“OMG WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, WE NEED A DIVERSION SO I CAN STEAL THAT JEEP!”
“NO WORRIES, I AM AN INEXPLICABLY EXCELLENT MARKSMAN!!!”
So Jack screwed up his
face courage and shot right at two conveniently placed drums of gasoline!
Luckily no hippies were harmed during the filming of this scene!
And then they drive off, bullets flying, glass shattering, and yet at no point do either Jack or Kate get injured, much to the
chagrin relief of the viewing audience.
“So if I take Widmore’s offer you’ll be proud of me?”
Eloise: You have to be the brilliant physicist I know you can be because I’m just about to send you to this Island and that’s when I’ll murder you!!!
Eloise: Woops! Oh silly me, I’m about 9 minutes too early.
And we’re like COME ON, DAN! WRANGLE UP SOME DADDY ISSUES SOON OR ELSE YOU’RE OUT LIKE A FAT KID IN DODGEBALL!
Then Daniel gave Jack the “Any one of us could die” speech, which really could have been called the “One of us is totally about to die” speech.
And then an alarm sounded to inform everyone in Dharmaville that
Sawyer and Juliet’s relationship was just about over there had been a breach in security!
After bitching about being SHOT by a PHYSICIST, Radzinsky hears something banging around in the other room!
He walks up to the closet
He goes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Damn he’s opening the closet…Phil was trapped in the closet!!
And Sawyer tries to explain, he’s like, “But Stu, it’s almost the season finale! We needed a guy tied up in the closet, what d’ya want from me??”
And Radzinsky is like, “Yeah, don’t act stupid. You know that the season finale also means you get gagged and taken hostage at gunpoint, now get on your knees!!”
Sawyer: Ugh, you know what, Stu? Kill yourself. Oh wait! You will.
Stu: What did you say to me??
And then Dan went and explained time travel and relativity to Jack and Kate!
“So in a nutshell, if we can stop what’s about to happen from happening, we can undo history, your plane will have never crashed, and we can all go back to living our wholly miserable lives the way we would have had this whole plane crash thing never happened!”
But Kate was skeptical…
And Jack had no idea what the hell Dan was talking about, but he wanted to make it seem like he did, so he just kept smiling and nodding…
Daniel: All this time I always figured Whatever Happened, Happened.
Audience: LOL older episode title.
Daniel: I always thought time was The Constant.
Audience: LOL even older episode title.
Daniel: But now I see, people are The Variable!!
Audience: LMAO YAHTZEE!
Of course all of us – Jack, Kate, the entire Lost audience – we were confused. Would they really want to go back and erase the last 3 years??
“Isn’t the thought that we could turn back time kind of…INSANE? And like TOTALLY SHOCKING??”
“Man, nothing shocks me. I’m a scientist.”
So we’re back with Penny and Eloise, and Penny’s trying to make sense of all this…
“So your son is the guy that came to Desmond – in a dream – to tell him to come to LA – to look for YOU – and then you sent a bunch of people traveling back in time – to see you in the past – and then Ben shot Desmond because he knew he was here looking for you??”
And Eloise was like, “Look, I don’t even know WTF is going to happen anymore. I’m not even going to get into how my son is your brother. I’ve had enough fun for one day. Toodle-loo!”
And Desmond and Penny maintained their title of Only Functional Couple on Lost!
“Ah swore ah’d nevah leave yoo again, Penneh! And ah nevah will!”
“Oh, that’s so sweet. Logically and physically it’s impossible, but you know. Sweet.”
And all we can do is pray that Henry Ian Cusick’s alleged motorboating isn’t enough of an offense to get him killed off the show. Sigh.
And then we found out that…CHARLES WIDMORE, YOU…ARE…THE FATHER!!!!!!
Eloise: Go see your daughter, she’s up there right now.
Charles: My relationship with my daughter is one of the things I had to sacrifice for The Island. Along with processed sugar, chewing tobacco, and Steve Guttenburg movies. That Island’s kind of a bitch.
“Don’t talk to me about sacrifice, Charles! I just sent my/our son to his death!”
“Weezy, you do realize that if you would have just let him futz around on the piano and go roller skating he would have never landed himself on that Island in the first place? He could have been a regular guy. But no. You had to meddle. Dumbass.”
And then Daniel rolls into the Hostiles’ camp and he’s like “Ha HA! Guy in a neckerchief, I must be in the right place!” and since he’s a n00b he starts just randomly shooting his gun for no reason and saying that he needed to talk to Eloise!
So then the Hostile with the Mostest Richard is coming out of his tent and he’s like “Who wants some cappuccinooooooh no. Hey Quick Draw, maybe you should cool your jets. Eloise isn’t here right now, but let’s talk about this like civilized…”
But before Richard could finish his sentence, shots rang out and Daniel had been hit! And by who, you ask? HIS MOTHER. HIS OWN FRAKKING MOTHER SHOT HIM TO DEATH. AND SHE KNEW IT ALL ALONG. HIS ENTIRE LIFE SHE KNEW THAT SHE HAD KILLED HIM IN 1977. AND SHE SENT HIM TO THE ISLAND ANYWAY.
Daddy issues may trump mommy issues, but I think somehow Daniel wins this round.
And Daniel tells her he’s her son, and in his last breath he goes, “So…Hostiles…not just a clever name.”
And then he died. ;_;
Oh, Eloise. You stupid bitch.
RIP, Daniel Faraday. We’ll never forget your crazy mullet, your little tie, or your bumbling mad scientist routine. You will be missed.