This week on Lost, Richard loses his will to live, Ben and Ilana bond, Sun wonders where Jin got to, and Alex gets into Yale.Previously on Lost…
Ben chose the island over Alex…
…and kinda hated himself for it.
So when we last left our intrepid heroes, they were fleeing from the temple and the wrath of the Locke-ness Monster, and apparently they just ran right out into the jungle because that’s safe…?
And everyone is more than a little freaked out by this entire scenario!! And Ilana’s trying to get all her little ducks in a row and she’s like, “But where is Sayid!?”
To which Ben replies that Sayid will regretfully not be joining them on account that he is now *scary music* EVEEL LIKE THE FRU-ITS OF THE DEV-EEL!
“So I say let’s go to the beach. If we’re all going to be eaten by a cloud of black smoke I’d rather have a tan first.”
Sideways Ben is wearing a very snazzy cardigan and teaching his students all about some special island where a tiny man was sent to rot away after he lost all his amazing powers!
Lost Writers: See? SEE??
Audience: We’re picking up what you’re putting down!
As it turns out, the principal of this school is a huge d-bag, and he’s not only canceling Ben’s History Club with 5 whole kids in it, he’s making him take detention duty – which wouldn’t really be all that big a deal if this guy wasn’t being sooo SMUG about it!
And the principal’s like, “Did you really expect me to be a nice guy? I always play sleazy sons o’ bitches, you should know that Mr. Linus.”
Ben: Actually, it’s Dr. Linus if you’re nasty.
Audience: lol episode title
So then a certain Mr. Leslie “That’s Actually a Bitchin’ Name”
Artz Arnzt Arzt is in the teacher’s lounge raising some ruckus!
Arzt: No Child Left Behind? That’s a bunch of malarkey!
Ben: You would be someone who uses the term “malarkey,” aren’t you?
Arzt: That principal can kiss my grits. My students’ lab equipment is older than me, older than you…even older than that creepy new substitute that’s totally staring at us right now.
“Heyyy youuu guyyyys!”
Arzt: Mind your beeswax, Baldy!
Locke: Benjamin, if you think Jacob’s doing a such shitty job you should kill him and take over the island!
Ben: hhhhWhat did you just say?
Locke: I saaaaid that if you think the principal’s doing such a shitty job you should blackmail him and take over the school!
And Ben seemed to listen! Because I know I’d listen to some temp on his second day of work when he told me I should overthrow my boss!
“Be careful that sandwich doesn’t contain explosives, Arzt. Ass.”
Ben: Smokey killed everyone in the temple.
Ilana: So that’s what killed Jacob too, right?
Ben: Yes. As long as we don’t conveniently have someone here right now who can communicate with the dead.
Miles: You rang?
So then Miles does his cool little Ghost Whisperer thing, and he sees it was some little mousy dude with lizard eyes, stabbing Jacob over and over!
Ben: That wasn’t….I….I didn’t…coulda been anyone!
Miles: What, no witty quips for us, Psycho Killer?
Ben: Qu’est-ce que c’est?
Miles: Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa faaaa
“You’d better run run run, run run run awaaaaaay!!!”
“Ooooooooh aye aye aye aye!!!!”
And since this show should have just been called “That Douche is My Dad,” it turns out that Jacob was the closest thing Ilana had ever had to a father! She is both pissed off and armed, both of which are big problems for Ben!
Ben: Is there anything I can do to help?
Ilana: You can fuck off and die, how about that?
Ben: Alllrighty, I guess I’ll just go cower in the bushes over there for a while.
Back in the Sideways World, not only is Roger Work Man still around, but Ben’s keeping him ALIVE with canisters of gas instead of making him DEAD with them!
Ben is bummed out because despite his brilliant mind and snappy fashion sense, he’s stuck babysitting the John Benders of the world in detention!
Roger: I don’t like those frozen dinners.
Ben: God Dad, then make yourself a dang quesadilla!
“I always wanted better for you, Benjamin. Imagine how your life would have been different had we stayed with Horace Goodspeed on that island of his – fresh air, good people, and all the Dharma beer you could drink. I see no possible way any of that could have ended horribly.”
“But we had to leave, Dad. You remember what we learned – never go with a hippie to a second location. Horace seemed alright in Portland, but the man had issues. Not to mention his kid gave me the willies.”
And then the Linus men heard a knock on their door and it was none other than your favorite punk rock island princess and mine, Alex!!! And of course she was one of the 5 kids in Ben’s History Club! And she really needed him to help her study for some big AP test! And she just happened to know where he lived! Because that’s not weird at all!
And then Danielle showed up on a polar bear to drive Alex home, and as Ben watched them ride away we started wondering if perhaps this is the Ben that would have been had Richard never “stolen his innocence!”
(I mean what bad guys rock a pink shirt like that?)
“What are we doing here? Jin? Jin!? JIN!???!!! MY HUSBAND?!”
“So…I have a theory that sometime after the 4th season they actually replaced you with a Sun-bot that can only ask obvious questions and inquire about Jin’s whereabouts.”
Ilana: You know, you and Jin are candidates.
Sun: Candidates? Jin!?
Ilana: Gin and tonic.
Sun: …JIN!? DID YOU SAY JIN!?
Ilana: Gin rummy.
Sun: …JIN!? WHERE IS MY HUSBAND!?
Ilana: Ginger Ale.
After finding out that Hurley dreams in cheese curds, we learn that Jack is both bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and he can’t wait to get back to the temple! And of course he’s being a pushy jerk about it!
But Hurley was remembering what Jacob said – something about a bad man, or crazy amounts of carnage, or some kind of zombie apocalypse…either way, he knew some bad mojo was going down and he’d have to stall – but unfortunately, Mr. Panties in a Twist wasn’t hearing it.
So we were all relieved
and a little turned on when a hot mess named Richard Alpert came running in their direction!
Jack: Where did you come from?
Richard: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Jack: Oh, okay then, nevermind.
Richard: Well I was…wait – you’re not going to make me tell you where I was?
Richard: But…isn’t this where you go, “Try me” and it cuts to commercial?
Jack: It’s been done.
Hurley: A little hackneyed, I think.
Jack: Yeah I’m over it.
And then we found out that Ben’s apparently not an Ass Man!
And then LaPenis told him that he was actually the guy that was supposed to fly Oceanic 815, but he overslept!
“But Island got you anyway. Island is funny that way.”
LaPenis: Are you…referring to the island as a person? The island’s not a person, Ben.
Ben: I won’t tell Island you said that. Island would be angry if he heard you said that.
And right before Ben could explain that Island likes to settle scores, Ilana held a gun to his head and told him to start digging a grave!!
And when Ben asked hhhhwhy he had to dig a grave, Ilana’s all, “My name is Ilana-Lucia Somethingorother. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
Back in the Sideways World, Dr. Linus is helping Alex with her History exam (which is apparently about the Black Rock WUT!?), and she’s all pulling a Hermione and saying that if she doesn’t ace this test her entire life is just OVER and whatever, and Ben’s like, “Don’t you think you’re being a little overdramatic?”
“Have you ever seen this show, Dr. Linus?!”
And apparently Alex saw Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner in the closet making babies, and she saw one of the babies, and one of the babies looked at her!!
“And you wanna hear something even worse? In real life, I’m dating Jeff Goldblum. Isn’t that totally gross?”
So Ben decided that:
a.) Alex making out with Dr. Ian Malcolm is worthy of brain bleach
b.) Blackmailing the principal just got that much easier
Ben: Mmmyes, now I can take over the island.
Ben: High school.
On the beach, Ben is still literally digging his own grave when Miles comes by for a stop and chat.
Miles: Working hard, or hardly working?
Ben: More like hardly living once Ilana gets her hands on me. You still want that $3.2 million?
Miles: Ring ring ring ring ring BANANA LEAF!
Ben: I’ll take that as a no.
Miles: Why would I need your money when two really, really, ridiculously good looking people named Nikki and Paulo were buried alive right under our feet, covered in diamonds?
Ben: Because you don’t want to be a dick all your life?
Miles: Eh, I can live with it.
Miles: btw, Jacob never thought you would have the cojones to actually kill him, and that’s why he didn’t fight back!
Ben: Just srsly…FML.
In the jungle, Hurley’s giving Richard the third degree about why the hell he’s so devastatingly handsome, no matter which decade they’re in.
Hurley: Dude are you a Timelord?
Hurley: Sooo then…are you a Cyborg?
Richard: No, I’m not a Cyborg.
Richard: No, but do I dazzle you?
Hurley: Kinda. Cylon?
Richard: Frak no.
Richard: No, but check out “V” Tuesdays at 8 EST on ABC.
He says he is this way because Jacob gave him a gift, but it’s the kind of “gift” that your dog leaves in your shoe when you stay too late at work, or the “gift” that a one-night stand gave you freshman year of college.
Jack: Or Bai Ling gave you in Thailand.
As it turns out, instead of leading them to the temple like he said he would, Richard has lead them to the Black Rock! Because all the people at the temple have been killed by a cloud of smoke that sounds not unlike a pissed off giraffe!
“BRB, gotta go die now.”
“Will you hack into the school nurse’s email? I need to see if her and the boss man are intercoursing each other. The answer is out there, Neo. And it’s looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.”
“Hmmm…okay. I’ll do it. But I want a better parking space. And some new science equipment. And a free lunch at the restaurant of my choosing. And a golden goose to lay golden eggs for Easter.”
Inside the Black Rock, Richard breaks out a stick of dynamite from that endless supply of sweaty TNT the ship apparently has, and he asks Jack to light the fuse.
He told Jack that at first he was afraid, he was petrified – he had spent his long ass life thinking he could never live without Jacob by his side, but lately he’s spent so many nights thinking how he’d done him wrong, and he grew strong, and now he’s learning how to get along.
Jack: So you’re saying you’ll survive?
Richard: Ironically, no. And I can’t kill myself ever since Jacob touched me in my no no place. So you’re going to have to kill me now. Plz.
Despite all the fangirls offering to comfort Richard (physically) he basically said that every single second of his pathetic little life was totally useless!
And Locke was like, “Hey, isn’t that my line!?”
But it was pretty sad because Richard kind of had a point, and so Jack actually lit the fuse!!! JACK IS THE WORST DOCTOR EVER!!!
But then while it’s burning down to the end, Jack’s going on about how he saw his name on the wheel in the lighthouse, and he knows Jacob’s always been watching him like that creepy Geico money, and how now he knows that he’s a unique snowflake, and how now he’s totally a Man of Faith!!
And again Locke was like, “Why I oughtta!!!”
“I have a purpose!! And it’s not to blow you up!! It’s to sweat and Jears all over this fuse until it goes out!!”
*FUSE GOES OUT – CIRCLE GETS THE SQUARE!!!*
“AH HA!! It worked! You know Richard, sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.”
Back at the beach, Ben is still digging his perfectly symmetrical grave, when the Smokey Express rolls into town!
“Do I scare you?”
“Do you want me to?”
Ben explains very calmly that his own rapidly impending death is all thanks to Smokey himself for making him kill Jacob!
Ben: That chick over there is about to execute me!! Any minute!!
Smokey: The suspense is terrible, I hope it will last.
Ben: : (
Smokey: If you want to take over this high school, there’s a rifle sitting on a tree 200 yards away.
Ben: If I want to what?
Smokey: ISLAND! Take over this island! I know you’ve had your little heart set on it for quite some time.
Ben: Mmm…I love Island.
And all the while, Ilana’s over there, eating her mango in the most menacing way possible, and Ben kind of looks at her, and she looks at him…
And then he throws his shovel into the air and runs away, screaming, “So long Screwy, see ya in St. Louie!!”
So then, just like the island version of Ben would have done, Dr. Linus screws up his courage, walks straight into the principal’s office, and lays it on the line!
Ben: Don’t let the sweater vest fool you, I have balls of steel.
Ben: YARLY. I have proof you and the nurse are doing sex with each other. And you’re going to resign and give me your job or else I’m exposing your little affair.
Ben: BOOM. LINUSED.
And everything seems like it’s going to work out until the principal points out that he is supposed to write Alex’s Yale recommendation letter!! Sideways Ben didn’t think of that!! And that is why he’s a loser that lives with his dad and gets stuck with detention and has friends like Leslie Arzt!! Island Ben would be appalled at this lack of foresight!!
Principal: If you expose my affair, I’ll shoot Alex in the head!
Principal: I saaaaid if you expose my affair, I’ll shoot Alex’s future as a Yale graduate in the head!
Ben: That doesn’t even make sense!
So Ben wins the Capture the
Flag Rifle game!! And he’s all like, “HITMAN MONKEY FINDS NO JOY IN HIS JOB!!!“
“Yeah right, Sayid once said the same thing to me and now he’s an Iraqi Terminator with curly hair and a tank top! You killed my father figure, so Lost Law dictates I now kill you!”
But Ben told Ilana that he knew exactly what she was feeling! He had to watch
someone else’s his own daughter die in front of him because he loves Island too much!! He sacrificed EVERYTHING for Jacob, and Jacob didn’t give a shit!! All he’d ever wanted was power because that was the most important thing to him, but as he found out too late, the only thing that really mattered to him was Alex. ;_;
“So really, I did you a favor because Jacob was a pretty crappy person/entity/god/what have you. You’re welcome.”
And Ilana actually forgives him!! Which makes her either super open-minded or super dumb, depending on how you look at it.
“Everything was fine until Dickless here said he wasn’t going to write your recommendation letter if I exposed his affair.”
“He tried to steal my job!”
“Is that true?”
“Yes, it’s true…this man has no dick. So I’ve heard.”
The principal had to go because his house was inexplicably filling with popcorn, so Happy Alex runs off to her mother’s underground bunker to show her the awesome recommendation letter she had gotten!
Ben walked off with his head held high. He may not have fought the battle with the grace and aplomb Island Ben would have, but at least Sideways Ben got to share his life with more than just a bunny, a baked ham, and an extendable baton.
Ben: Need a hand?
Sun: Forget a hand, I need some lines.
Ben: Don’t worry, you’ll be interesting again in a few episodes when you see Jin again.
Sun: …JIN!?!?!!? WHERE!?!?!?
Look at your man, now back to me.
What’s in your hand? It’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love.
Look again! YOUR TICKETS ARE NOW DIAMONDS.
And then everyone was finally reunited after like a whole season apart!!!
Lost Writers: How ’bout a music montage, guys?
Lost Writers: And have a Hurley Hug on us.
Audience: *WARM AND FUZZY FOREVER*
But no hugs for murderers. Sorry, buddy.
And just when we thought it was safe to go back in the water…
HI HILARIOUSLY FAKE LOOKING CGI SUBMARINE! I mean I know Foxy demands $40 million to cry every episode, but couldn’t you have spent a little more dough on this sub?
AW IT’S OKAY WE STILL LOVE YA *gives Lost noogies*
And of course it’s Chuck Widmore in there, working on his “British” accent and looking like Sam Eagle.
Widmore’s comical entry can only mean one thing: TELL ME CAN YOU FEEL IT, TELL ME CAN YOU FEEL IT, TELL ME CAN YOU FEEL IT THE HEAT IS ON.
*sweet ass sax solo*