This week on Lost, we gear up for the season finale with beach-side exoduses, missions to retrieve explosives, Sawyer all tied up, and the beginnings of Jack’s and Locke’s inevitably huge mistakes.
Previously on every Lost finale:
Losties get the crap kicked out of them by bitchy Others while cuffed to a chair…
Secret Sayid Sniper pops out from the trees and saves Jack and Kate…
Jack makes some horrible decisions based on his own personal hang-ups…
Kate wonders why she’s been going along with Jack, considering said decision making…
Locke makes a ridiculous decision that helps only himself…
And a group of people evacuate Old Testament Style from from one location to another!
Kate and Jack overhear Eloise committing filicide (look it up, kids) and so they run away into the safety of the jungle!
Unfortunately they run right into a pissed off Hostile on a horse, who quickly decides to play polo with Jack’s head.
Widmore shows up and captures Jack and Kate and brings them back to Tentsylvania, where Eloise is trying to figure out what the hell just happened and everyone’s got a lot on their mind…
Daniel: WTF, am I…dead?
Eloise: WTF, did I just…kill my son?
Richard: WTF, how come no one commented on how fierce these pants are??
Eloise: Did you show up with this dead guy?
Jack: Damn straight!
Kate: Way to keep the mystery going, Jackass.
Eloise: Very well…put them in my tent. I want to have one of those “key parties” everyone keeps talking about.
So 30 years in the future, Richard is pulling a Bill Adama and putting together a model ship. In a bottle. Which I will bet any amount of money is the Black Rock. sd’;fkasldkfal;d
But I digress. So Richard’s bottle-building, and this random girl runs up and goes, “HE’S HERE” which is weird considering no one had seen or heard from Locke in 3 years, AMIRIGHT?
Anyway Locke rolls up to the beach with a frickin’ BOAR in tow, and he’s all like, “I brought you this delicious boar, hope you don’t mind, I was going to bring some meatloaf, but then I thought that was a little BOAR-ing…” *chuckles to himself*
And Richard’s just like, “Heh heh ehhhh…what are you doing here? We thought you were gone forever. And…is there something different about you?”
“Well, I’m in a lavender shirt that’s a far cry from my usual Pit Stain Chic. And I just saved money by switching to Geico. I think that’s about it. OH, and I was dead like 48 hours ago. Crazy, right?? I think I still kinda smell like death.”
Sun: Who is that guy?
Ben: Oh, that’s Richard. He’s old. REALLY old. Older than the hills. Older than like Mickey Rooney, even. Don’t let the lush lashes and J. Crew ensemble fool you. That man eats wheat germ and prunes for breakfast and calls jeans “dungarees.”
With this new information, Sun runs over to Richard to ask him if he knows anything about the time traveling Losties!
Sun: Do you remember my husband? He was here in the 70′s. About 6′, Korean, hilarious accent?
Richard: Ohh yeah, the “Udders” guy? Sure. But sry2say, he’s dead. I watched them all die. They’re all dead. Dead dead dead. Dead as doornails. Dead as disco.
Sun: So do you really think they’re dead?
Sun: But how can you say that, after what that elderly man told us?
Locke: We still have another season of this show to get through, HELLO??!!
So Locke says he needs to run an errand, and he’d like Richard and Ben to join him.
“Does Benny want to go for a walk? Whose a good boy? Is Benny a good boy? Whoseagoodboywhowantstogoforawalk, is it Benny? Come on, Benny! Grab your leash!”
And then Locke turns to Sun and he’s like, “If there’s a way to kill Jaco…I mean…find our people, I’ll do it!! LOL did I almost say kill Jacob? Why would I do that? Silly John.”
Back in Eloise’s tent, Jack and Kate are roughed up by an especially hostile Hostile, and Jack’s face is oozing Blood, Sweat, and Jears.
With his nose and mouth full of blood, he’s just like, “Don’t you shee, Kate? This is aweshome! I can shave everyone! We can erashe the lasht three yearsh and…we’ve god anudder chansh!!! My whole Nick Nolte phashe will be ancient hishtory!”
But Kate’s like, “Why the hell would any of us want to go back to before the crash? I’d be going to prison! Sawyer would be miserable, Juliet would be stuck here, Penny would have never found Desmond, Charlie would be alive, but a heroin addict, Sun would hate Jin, Rose would be dying of cancer, Locke would be paralyzed, Claire would be giving Aaron up for adoption, and Ana-Lucia would be breathing!”
“Yesh, but I would feel bedder!”
Then Eloise comes in and she’s got Daniel’s journal and she wants to know how the hell any of this is even possible. “Time travel I get, but what the hell, is Kate actually disagreeing with you? Is this Bizarro World???”
And it was in that moment that Jack and Kate realized that maybe they had really grown apart…but at least they still shared one thing in common.
To break up the sad-sappery in the air, Eloise agrees to take Jate to the bomb!
“Let me see if I can wrangle you up some neckerchiefs for the journey.”
Back in Dharmaville, Sawyer has found himself handcuffed to a chair, having the shit kicked out of him by bitchy Others!! Radzinsky, the old softy, is repeatedly punching him in the face because Sawyer won’t tell him where Kate is!
“WHERE IS SHE?? TELL ME NOW, WHERE IS SHE?? AND WHAT DID ONE SNOWMAN SAY TO THE OTHER SNOWMAN? AND WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH FRINGE? I MEAN IT STARTED OUT KIND OF SLOW AND I STOPPED DVR-ING IT, BUT NOW EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE WATCHING IT AND I’M THINKING TO MYSELF, AM I MISSING OUT?”
But Horace was not ready for Radzinsky’s jelly.
“RADZINSKY YOU IGNORANT SLUT, CALM DOWN! MAKE LOVE NOT WAR, MAN! WE’RE HIPPIES, REMEMBER??”
And poor Juliet is watching Sawyer getting his ass handed to him and she’s just like “HEY, HEY WATCH THE GOODS! HALF OUR RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON THAT CHISELED JAWLINE! And while we’re here, can someone get me a different shirt? This one’s a little too RED for my liking…”
And then to show how manly he is,
Phil PHAIL hits a girl!!!!!
Then to show how manly HE is, Sawyer threatens Phail’s life despite the fact that he’s a tied up bloody mess!
But really if they wanted to get information out of him, all they’d have to do is take him out to that wigwam, tie him to a tree, and feed him sugar cubes. How soon they forget.
Meanwhile, not at all perpetuating any kind of stereotype, we find Hurley grabbing as much food as he can. Because nothing says “cunning escape plan” more than a can full of Dharma Mixed Fruit.
On their way to the beach, Hurley, Miles, and Jin run into PF Chang! And he’s like, “That Faraday nutter told me you guys are from the future. Is that true?”
“Dude that’s not the point right now, we gotta get outta this place! If it’s the last thing we ever do! We gotta get out of this place…”
“Girl, there’s a better life for me and you! I love that song, I haven’t heard it in years.”
“You’re in luck, I’ve got it on my ipod…Discman…Walkman…8-Track?”
“HaHA! You ARE from the future! Which means we have to evacuate The Island! So that means you’re really my son?”
“Hey son. Go to your room. Yeah. That feels right.”
So Widmore and Eloise are standing around Daniel’s dead body, creating the most frakked up family portrait ever, and Widmore’s starting to recognize him from somewhere…
But before Widmore can figure out who Faraday is, Eloise drops the bomb, so to speak, that she’ll be taking the prisoners on a field trip to Jughead’s Temple!
And Widmore pulls Eloise aside to ~*have a talk*~ and Jack’s all like, “What is their deal? How come they’re all fighty?” And Richard explains “Let’s put it this way, last night they both changed their Facebook status to “It’s Complicated.”
Cue Jack looking RIGHT at Kate…”Yes Richard, love CAN be complicated…ooooh baby I love your way…every day…oooohhh….”
Widmore: But those people don’t belong with us! They don’t even have neckerchiefs for chrissakes! And now you think you’re going to take them to the bomb? You can’t do that, Eloise!
Eloise: Charles, DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN’T DO!
Speaking of which…
So despite the fact that Richard would have liked to catch up with Locke over lattes and toasted cheese sandwiches, John was all “TAKE ME TO UR LEADER” and Richard had to oblige!
“…and then you give him this compass, tell him to bring everyone back, and tell him he’s gonna have to die, kapeesh?”
Richard goes and finds Locke all shot in the leg and stuff, and he gets the bullet out and tells him he’s gonna haff tah dy-eee and whatnot, etc etc. And Locke’s all “RICHARD WHAT’S HAAAAPPENING??” and Richard doesn’t really have time to explain!
Ben: This is impressive, John. how did you know hhhhwhen to be here?
Locke: Why did you say it like that?
Ben: hhhhhWhat ever do you mean?
Locke: You mean WHAT ever do you mean?
Ben: Right, hhhhwhat ever do you mean?
Locke: You’re saying it weird, you’re putting too much emphasis on the h.
Ben: hhhhWhatever, man.
Locke: Say “what.”
Locke: Now say “What ever do you mean.”
Ben: hhhhhhWhat ever do you mean?
Locke: You know, me and The Island are like total BFFs now.
Ben: No way!
Locke: Way! Right before you murdered me I bought us some of those Best Friends Forever necklaces. I wear “Best” and The Island wears “Friends.” Jealous?
Ben: Psh. No.
Locke: Good then, you won’t have a pity party for yourself when I tell you I got invited to a sleepover at Jacob’s cabin tonight and you’re not allowed to come. Jacob’s got the other piece of the necklace, he’s got that little squiggly piece in the middle.
Sooo anyway, Bullet Wound!Locke pops out of existence and Richard comes back and is like “You believed me when I told you you’d have to die, good thing that never had to happen!”
And Locke goes, “Yeah actually, it did.” And he rolled his eyes and jerked his head toward Ben, and the sad trombone rang out across the jungle while Ben mimed adjusting his invisible necktie!
PF Chang runs down into the hatch where they’re holding Sawyer and Juliet and he’s like, “Look, I don’t know if you assholes realize this, but next week’s episode is called THE INCIDENT, mmkay? So unless you’re a big fan your balls being so radioactive that they glow green, grab your patchouli and your bongs and get the hell off this island PRONTO.”
“Listen to him! I’ll tell you where the Hostiles are if you let us go on the sub, but I’m warning you now: Lost season finales don’t look kindly on Others so be careful. If you see an Iraqi dude wearing a tank top and a scrunchie, run.”
“ESPECIALLY if he starts taking off his shoes. And seriously, does anyone have like a blue shirt I could borrow, just for today?”
So Eloise & Friends get to this river thingy, and she tells them in order to get to the bomb, they’ve got to swim through an underwater tunnel!
At this point, Kate makes up her mind and turns to leave. “All of this is meshugga. That’s it! I’m Audi 5000.”
But as she’s walking away, BANG BANG shots go off and OMG!!!
KATE GOT SHOT!!!!
Half the Lost audience: Yaaaaay!!!!
The other half of the Lost audience: Noooooo!!!!!
OH NO WAIT, SHE’S OKAY!
Half the Lost audience: Noooooo!!!!!
The other half of the Lost audience: Yaaaaay!!!!
Turns out the Hostile dude got shot by ACTION SAYID!!!!!! Secret Sniper Sayid popped out of the bushes and saved the day! Again!
Good thing he never went to those court-mandated BAMFs Pwnonymous courses!
“…so you see Sayid, if we go down and set off this bomb, the hatch is never built, the plane never crashes, and we’ll get our old lives back!”
Sayid: I have two things to say: one, doesn’t my hair look sexy swept to one side like this? And two, your plan will not work. I have killed BB Benjamin, and we’re still here.
Jack: Unfortunately for us both, you are wrong. Kate ~*saved*~ him. *rolls eyes*
Sayid: WTF Kate, you SAVED him??
“Since when is setting off H-bombs and killing kids okay?”
“And since when do you make rational decisions? And come on, no one ‘s got anything to say about my hair?”
“I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! How am I the logical one in this scenario?? You know what? Screw you guys, I’m goin’ home!”
But Jack was like, “But Kate, I am your density!!! This is fate! This is why we’re here! This is…”
“Complete and utter bullshit. You guys are on your own.” And she left! And for the first time in a long time I was kind of like “OOH KATE, YOU GO GIRL!”
And then Miles was spying on his dad, and he saw him kicking his mom off The Island, and then he finally understood what had happened between them…it was just a matter of premature evacuation!
He was PROUD that douche was his dad!
So Juliet and Sawyer are being carted off to the Dharma Submarine, and they’re making all these plans to invest in Microsoft and invent leg warmers and hair crimpers when they get back to the real world since the 80′s are just around the corner.
And the whole time you’re almost waiting for “Jim” to pull a Classic Sawyer and let Juliet into the sub and then turn around and say he ain’t goin’…but he just turns around, tells The Island “Fuck you very much” and climbs into the sub! Whaaaa?
And then instead of just using the front door around the corner, Richard and Jack dive under this waterfall thing to go spelunking! Let’s hope Richard’s manscara is waterproof!
Luckily for Jack he was able to hold his breath so long thanks to his years of nearly drowning in his own tears.
Sayid follows soon after with Eloise, and when he climbs out of the pool Jack is like, “I didn’t think you’d come” and all the 12-year-old boys
and me laughed.
Sayid immediately put his torcha scrunchie back on. “The way I see it, either you’ll save us all, or put us out of our misery. Either way I’ll never have to see you again. Now we must be on our guard. There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world.”
Meanwhile Richard and Locke have come back from their little errand and Locke immediately wants to go to Jacob’s slumber party! “Let’s go now! I’m an eager beaver!”
Richard tries to convince Locke to wait until morning – he’s still got lattes and cheese sandwiches to eat, and he really needs his beauty rest.
“If I don’t get a full 8 hours, I’ve got bags under my eyes that you could carry your groceries in, okay?”
And that’s when Locke goes into Obama Mode, kissing babies, shaking hands with veterans, and talking about hope and change! “People of Craphole Island, lend me your ears! We’ve been told by our leaders that we’re not allowed to see Jacob – as your new leader, I am telling you now, YES! WE! CAN!”
And as the flock started to get ready for their trip to see the big kahuna, Ben and Richard stood on the edge of the group like bitchy high school girls, talking about the new slutty girl in the cafeteria.
Richard: That bitch has crossed the line, who does he think he is?
Ben: Why do you think I tried to kill him, girl??
Richard: Ooooh sister, PREACH!
Ben: It has so already been broughten.
And then Sawyer and Juliet are on the sub, waiting for it to leave, and they’re being all cute and stuff, but we’re like NO WAY THIS ISN’T RIGHT, WHERE’S KATE?? WHERE IS SHE? COME ON, LOST, DON’T LET US DOWN NOW!
Sawyer’s like “ILU!”
And Juliet’s like “ILU2!!!”
And Kate’s like “ILU3!!! LOL HEY GUYS!” and the audience is just like HAHAHAHA OH LOST, NEVER CHANGE.
So anyway, Sawyer’s trying not to look at Kate, and Kate’s trying not to look at Sawyer…
…and Juliet’s trying to not look at them trying not to look at each other, and she’s starting to think that she may need to invent acid wash jeans on her own.
♪ In the town where I was born
Lived a man who sailed to sea
And he told us of his life
In the land of horribly rendered CGI submarines ♪
Jack: Wow, that thing is da bomb.
Sayid: Ugh. How do you know we can trust that lady with no eyelashes?
Jack: Because 30 years from now she’s the one who sends us back here. And I’m an excellent judge of character. I trusted Locke in the 1st finale, I trusted Michael in the 2nd finale, I trusted Naomi in the 3rd finale, and I trusted Ben in the 4th finale. And everything worked out with them each time, RIGHT? So shut it.
And then everyone goes on a pilgrimage to meet Jacob, and Ben lets Locke know Richard has his doubts about this brilliant plan of his.
Ben: I think you’re making a huge mistake, as is your wont. I don’t think you can do what it is you think you’re about to do.
Locke: Don’t tell me what I can’t…
Ben: DO, right right. Nope, I’m just standing aside this time, letting the cards fall as they may. If you need my help to reunite with your people, I’ll be a team player. It will look good on my resume.
Locke: Oh no, no. I’m not reuniting anyone. I’m going to Jacob so I can KILL HIM.
And Ben is like “WHAAAAAAAA???????”
AND WE’RE ALL LIKE, “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?????”
I MEAN SERIOUSLY…WHAAAAAAA!? ‘S;DLKF;LASDKL;FDS
I never thought I’d say this, but someone needs to tell John Locke what he can’t do. O_o