Lost: That 70′s Show

This week on Lost, Sawyer gets in touch with his inner softy, Juliet learns how to fix a carburetor, Dick Alpert demands some justice, and the love quadrangle rears its ugly head yet again.

Previously on Lost…

“What’s the matter, Lassie? Did Locke fall down the well??”

***

So the well has just disappeared and our heroes look up and they’re like, “UHHHH…”

“All the cops in the donut shop say…”

“Way ohh way ohhh…”

“Ohh wayyy oh wayy ohhhh….”

“WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIANNNNNN.”

And we were all like :O WHAT. And…is that a mullet?

And then all the sudden there was this HUGE flash and the ground was shaking and everyone’s brains started melting!!! They were all “I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE, I’M GETTING A HEADACHE!”

The Island: Here, take two of these!
Juliet: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.

And their headaches/nose bleeds were gone! HUZZAH!

But Sawyer was sad because the well was there but all filled in! (Like your mom, wut!?) So he announced he’d be staying there to wait for Locke and Company – however long it takes.

***

Three Years Later…

***

So that guy from Friday Night Lights and this chick named Rosie are eating some ~*brownies*~ , waiting for Kelso and Hyde to come over, and generally shirking off their duties the way the kids do.

In short, they’re having a hootenanny.

But then Jimmy Barrett from Mad Men storms in and he’s all, “You kids, with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg records, your Zima, hula hoops, and Pac-Man video games!!!! Do you want LaFleur to find out you’re slacking off!?”

Guy from Friday Night Lights: You’re harshing my mellow, NARC.
Jimmy Barrett: GOODSPEED IS OUT THERE BLOWING UP TREES!
Guy from Friday Night Lights: *5 second delayed reaction* …ohhhh noooOOOOO!
Horace Goodspeed: I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!!!!!!!!! *lights self on fire*

So Jimmy Barrett and Friday Night Lights dude run over to LaFleur Delacour’s house and they’re totally sweating it because apparently this guy is going to bust their balls!

“Um, sir? We have…a bit of a situation. Code Orange: Drunk hippie with dynamite in the Valley Sector.”

And then LaFleur is like “SON OF A BITCH” and we’re like, “OH LOST, I SEE WHAT YOU’VE DONE THERE.”

So Sawyer James LaFleur and Miles jump into the Dharmamobile to investigate!

And they find Horace totally assed out on the grass mumbling, “I dig music…I’m on drugs…” to himself.

Sawyer throws him in the back of the van and takes him home to his wife. She says they had been fighting, which is no good considering she is heavy with child!

And after Sawyer made a joke about the coconut telegraph (kfdl;askfs;d) this Amy chick unconveniently goes into labor! *cue dramatic music*

At first Sawyer’s like, “I can do this! I saw Kate do it once in a flashback!” But then once she screamed a couple of times, he changed his mind and took her to the doctor!

***

Three Years Earlier

***

Juliet, Miles, and Sawyer find Daniel in the jungle mumbling to himself and he is like SUPER sad face

“Daniel, WHA HAPPENED????”

“I got a weal wed wagon…not gonna tell her…Charlotte is…disappeared…dead…vanished….”

“Charlotte’s dead? This is really turning into a sausage fest.”

“We should go back to the beach, wait for Locke. Plus, I need to get some sun. All this time traveling has done a number on my tan.”

“Yeah, okay. I kind of miss having sand in my buttcrack 24/7. Let’s go.”

“Um, I’m sorry – but who put him in charge?”

“God did when he made him an Alpha Male. Now shut it, Beta.”

***

So they’re on their way to the beach when they hear some chick screaming a little ways away from them!! And then they heard gunshots!

And Miles, being the brave one, is like, “DANIEL, WE’RE NOT ALLOWED TO INTERFERE, RIGHT?? I WOULDN’T WANT TO MESS UP THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM…OR MY FACE.”

But Daniel’s like, “Whatever happened, happened.”

“Very deep, Plato. Did you think of that one all by yourself?”

“Um…fortune cookie, actually.”

So even though Daniel is a gibbering mess and Miles is only brave enough to save his OWN ass, Juliet and Sawyer go in with guns blazing!!! They kill two Hostiles!

Apparently Juliet is a sharp shooter. The dog never laughs at her when she’s playing Duck Hunt.

Turns out the screaming chick was having a picnic with her Dharma husband when some Hostiles showed up and wanted some potato salad. Despite being hippies, they didn’t share, and so the Hostiles KILLED the guy!!!

I guess now we know “Hostiles” isn’t just a clever name O_o

Anyway, Sawyer makes up this cockamamie story about them crashing on The Island on the way to Tahiti, they decide to bury the Hostiles, and Amy begs them to bring her husband’s body back ala Cedric Diggory.

So to keep the Dead-Body-Slung-Over-Shoulder Lost tradition going, Jin throws the guy over his shoulder and they take a stroll back to Otherville.

Daniel’s about to walk into CERTAIN DEATH and Juliet is like “DANIEL NOOOOOO!!!! DON’T WALK PAST THAT DHARMA-MADE PYLON, IT CREATES A SONIC BARRIER TO KEEP OUT THE SMOKE MONS…I mean…heyyy what are those big metal thingies?”

And they make Amy “turn it off” and she walks through it and seems fine!

But then THEY walk through it…

And immediately fall to the ground, experiencing earth-shattering orgasms!

And that’s when Amy removes her SUPER SECRET DEFENSE WEAPON – EAR PLUGS! LMAO!!!!! Seriously, Lost? EAR PLUGS? So Juliet could have just stuffed her fingers in her ears? Is that how Richard gets through? Really great defense system you’ve got there, Dharma people. HAHAHA.

HAHAHAHA ahhhh.

But I digress.

***

So now it’s back to baby-having, and this Amy chick is having a ROUGH time. We’re kind of waiting for her head to start spinning, pea soup splattering the walls.

It turns out the baby is breech! And of course this hippie doctor is all, “LOOK, I’M A DOCTOR, NOT A…LADY BITS DOCTOR! I mean, have you SEEN those things!? Scary, bro.”

So Sawyer runs to the one lady bits doctor he knows!!

Sawyer: YOU HAVE TO DO A C-SECTION ON AMY!!!
Juliet: I’M A MECHANIC, NOT A DOCTOR!
Sawyer: CAR ENGINE, UTERUS, SAME DIFF!

“We had a deal! You promised that if we did it in the polar bear cages once a month that no one would ever know that I’m a doctor! Island + Babies = BAD NEWS!”

“If you go and do this for me, I’ll let you bring me sandwiches while I’m locked in the dolphin tank, alright?? I know you can do this, you’ll do a killer…I MEAN SUPER AWESOME JOB.”

And we’re all like, “Wait…are they…like…TOGETHER OR SOMETHING!?” What do the fans called them, Suliet? Sawliet? Julawyer? Wouldn’t that be a racial slur?

Ahem.

“FINE. Put her up on blocks and let me get my blowtorch.”

***

So Juliet goes to the Dharma hospital and she’s like, “Okay. I’m going to need a number 12 scalpel, 14 gauge sutures, a football helmet full of cottage cheese, and naked pictures of Bea Arthur. STAT.”

And Sawyer was like, “You’re gonna do great. Just pretend you’re dealing with a ’68 VW van and you’ll be fine.” And it was kind of adorable, right??

While he’s pacing around waiting for the baby, Jin shows up and in PERFECT ENGLISH (which is now actually plausible thanks to the 3 year stretch he’s been there) tells Sawyer the millionth sweep of The Island to look for Lockey Locke and the Lostie Bunch came up with nothing.

RIP, JIN-GLISH. 2004-2009…er…1974. Whatever. We hardly knew ye. *sniff*

And then Juliet comes out and the baby is fine!!! And the mom is fine!!! And everyone’s fine!!! And she’s happy/teary!

And Sawyer’s happy/dimpley!

But of course all we want to know is WHO IS THAT BABY!??? Was he one of the random Dharma red shirts killed in The Purge? Or was it someone who went to the Dark Side, like say, ETHAN!? Or PICKETT?? Hmmm….

***

So now Sawyer’s waking up from his mind-melting orgasm via sonic fence, and our old pal Horace Goodspeed is there!

Horace: Heyyyy brother. Check out my sweet Kurt Cobain hair. I invented grunge 20 years before its time.
Sawyer: Whatever you say, Teen Spirit.

Horace and Sawyer – or should I say Jim – have a chat about how Jim and his posse ended up on Craphole Island. Supposedly they were searching for the Black Rock, which Horace claims he’s never heard of. So Horace tells Jimbo that he’ll be sending him and his team off The Island via Dharma Submarine tomorrow. If they come across his other “crew” members, he’ll send them along too.

“Look, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

And then he tells Sawyer that he’s definitely NOT “Dharma material,” which is…supposed to be…an…insult? lol

***

And then Daniel went all creepy-old-guy-Pedobear! Okay not really but he was like O_O CHAH-LOTT!

And baby Charlotte Staples Center was like “Pip pip and tally ho! Awfully funny that I was born on an island full of people with American accents and still managed to sound British, right? Bob’s your uncle!”

And we were like, waaait last year Benry said Charlotte was born in 1979…and this is 1974…so she’s either REALLY BIG for her age (her age being -5) or something fishy is going on!

So anyway Daniel got up to go start his life as the crazy man that lives in a van by the river when….

…all of the sudden this alarm started going off and everyone was running around like crazy, and it was a HOSTILE!!! But it wasn’t just ANY Hostile!

It was Richard “Manbelline” Alpert!! He rolled up, totally rocking that torch! “WELCOME! To the ’74 Island Olympics!”

“LOL JUST KIDDING! People of Otherville! Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!”

THEY SEE HIM STROLLIN’ THEY HATIN’!!!!!! Everyone goes and hides out because Richard with a torch is srs bznss.

But Horace goes out there. It’s a MOTHERFUCKIN’ WALK-OFF!

But Horace totally fails and so Sawyer feels the need to jump in.

“Dick?! Dick ALPERT!?”

“Do I KNOW you!? WTF!? Why are people constantly coming up to me, claiming to know me?? I guess I just have one of those faces.”

Sawyer: I’m from that few-chah.
Richard: Exsqueeze me?
Sawyer: Haaaaaaaaave you met John Locke?
Richard: *blinks mascara-ed eyes*

“Look, Richard. Spoiler alert. That bomb you buried is named Jughead. A bald guy named John walked into your camp, claiming to be your leader. You apparently never age. Vader is Luke’s father. Rosebud was a sled. Bruce Willis was a dead guy. Kristin Shephard shot J.R. Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are the same dude.”

“Impressive. Alright. I can trust you. In order to maintain the truce my people have with the Dharma people, I’m going to need that dead guy’s body. We’ve got this new kid named Benjamin, we’re going to see if he can raise the dead like he claims. I think he’s full of shit, but I’ll be damned, he is convincing.”

Amy agrees to letting them hand Paul’s body over and somewhere outside you could hear Jin going, “They’re bringing him BACK? Maybe you should have mentioned this before you let me drag 200 pounds of dead weight across the whole damn Island!”

***

“So now that Goodspeed’s giving us 2 more weeks to look for Locke, you should stay for a while! Hang out! Drink some Dharma wine and relax. And anyway if you leave, who will be the fourth member of my ridiculously complicated love rhombus with Jack and Kate when they come back?”

“Well…if you cut off your sleeves and cry a little more often, maybe I’d be into it.”

“Well Juliet, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

But since it’s Lost, and males and females are incapable of being JUST FRIENDS on this show, our old pal Sawyer was a little off. And anyway, {SPOILER ALERT} she doesn’t leave.

***

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear? ♫

♫ Every time…you are near? ♫

♫ Just like me…they long to be… ♫

♫ Close to youuuuuu. ♫

“Hey snookums. I picked up this flower for you on the way home from my Personality Transplant.

And then depending on where your ~*allegiances*~ lie, you had one of the following three reactions:

a) AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!
b) EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!!!!
c) *snooze* where’s Ben/Sayid/Desmond/interesting people!?

“We’re so totally butt crazy in love and happy that nothing in the world could mess this up!”

“Not even if Kate and Jack magically drove up in a van from THE FUTURE to come and rescue us from this perfect blissful existence!”

***

“So, really? Three years is long enough to get over someone?”

“Suuure. There was a time when I thought I’d never get over this one girl. But now I can’t even remember her face. Or her freckles. Or the way she’d be a total bitch to me, only to come and bone me in my tent later that day. And I never think about her every time I eat strawberries. Or when I feed the polar bears fish biscuits. Nope. I’m OVER IT.”

“I mean, Juliet is awesome. She’s smart and cool and funny and actually treats me right. So let me reiterate, even if that other girl magically reappeared again, I wouldn’t care in the least. Not. In. The Least.”

***

And then we found out that Sawyer likes to be the Little Spoon. ;lsdkf’;kdls;ak

And he gets this call from Jin and he’s like “WHAT OH MY GOD DON’T BRING THEM IN, MEET ME OUT THERE” and he starts rushing around, but he’s not telling Juliet what’s happening!!

Juliet: James. James. JAMES!???
Sawyer: Yes, my pet?
Juliet: I have one very important question for you before you go.
Sawyer: *gulps* Yes, my lovely?
Juliet: …why am I the one who’s shirtless in this scene? I mean COME ON.

***

So then Sawyer goes and meets the van. And any good Lost fan is freaking out just a little bit. Because OMG IT’S BEEN 3 YEARS, GUYS. sz;’df;lskjl;kdfgjdf

Jack: Reunited and it feels so gooooood.

Hurley: Reunited ’cause we understoooood…

Jack and Hurley: There’s one perfect fit, and Sugar, this one is it…we both are so excited ’cause we’re reunited, hey, hey…

And then Sawyer did the ultimate 80′s movie double take move and took off his glasses!!!!

*OOM BOW BOW CHIK CHIKA CHIKAHHH*

“…Hi bb.”

“Wellllll shit.”