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This week on Lost, Sayid goes on a killing spree in not just one but TWO dimensions, Kate and Claire are reunited and it should technically feel so good but doesn’t at all, and Smokey gathers his army.
“I don’t know why you’re asking me all these questions. I don’t know why you’re treating me this way — why I have to explain to you who I am when you don’t tell me who you are.”
“I was 23 years old when the Americans came to my country. I was a good man. I was a soldier. And when they left, I was something different. For the next 6 years I did things I wish I could erase from my memory – things which I never thought myself to be capable of. But I did come to learn this – there was a part of me which was always capable. You want to know who I am? My name is Sayid Jarrah, and I am a torchurra.”
*beat down occurs*
Okay, so let me think…I’ve got the flowers, the stalker photo of Nadia right on top of my suitcase, my awesome Brillo wig is on straight…yeah, I think that’s it.
Sayid rings a doorbell and hooray! It is Nadia! And she is very happy to see Sayid! And he is very happy see her and also sniff her hair in a creepy way!
Unfortunately for them both, Sayid’s brother Omer isn’t so happy to see Sayid sniffing Nadia’s hair because WTF SHE IS HIS WIFE.
Oh, Sideways World. Just when I was starting to really like you.
So anyway Sayid’s niece and nephew want to know what their uncle brought them back from Sydney!
Sayid: Just go check my suitcase!
Nephew: All we can see is this stalker picture of my mom!
Sayid: Keep digging!
Niece: Are these scrunchies for me!?
Sayid: No no, those are mine! Keep looking!
Nephew: Whoa! Nunchucks!!! And a Taser!! And sharpened bamboo shoots! And a bloody hammer!! And a…
Sayid: Still mine! Should be right under those!
Niece: Ohhh…a boomerang. How original. Thanks, Uncle Sayid.
Apparently Nadia had been sending Sayid letters, and he never responded to one! We get quite a few vibes from this scene:
1. Sayid is still obviously in love with Nadia
2. Nadia seems to have feelings for Sayid
3. Sayid’s brother is kind of an ass
4. Boomerangs make crappy gifts
At the temple, Sayid shakes his badass tailfeathers right into Dogen’s VIP lounge, and he’s immediately like, “WTF DUDE, YOU TORTURED ME, YOU ELECTROCUTED ME, BURNED ME, CALLED ME NAMES, AND…YOU…REALLY HURT MY FEELINGS. JOO HAFF SOME SPLAINING TO DO, MISTER!!”
So Dogen did explain – through some very “scientific” experiments, he has deduced that on a scale of good to evil, Sayid was SUPERBAD! He also deduced that Sayid was rocking his tank top extra hard today!
“PSH. Tell me something I DON’T know!!”
And then before we could figure out just what the what was happening, everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!
Dee nee nee nee nee neee neee neeeeeee!!
Despite Sayid’s history of kicking ass and taking names, it was actually Dogen who was fast as lightning!
Sayid: It would seem you have bested me.
Audience: SWEEP THE LEG!!!!!!
Dogen: Strike first, strike hard, no mercy!
And he has Sayid pinned down on the table with a pointy thing to his throat, when some baseball (we know it was a baseball thanks to Jack’s thorough inquiry a few weeks ago) falls on the floor, and it freaks Dogen out for some reason, and for some reason Dogen lets Sayid go, and he tells him to scram!
Dogen: Ohhhh noooo HAVE YOU THEEN MY BASEBALL??
Dogen: Uhhh…you must leave this place and NEVER RETURN!!!! Until like…6 minutes from now!!!!!!!”
And meanwhile Crazy Claire and Mocke are loitering around the temple entrance…
Claire: I don’t want my bay-bee hanging around Aladdin extras.
Mocke: Well if you run in and drop off this little death threat for me, I’ll give you Aaron just like I promised.
Claire asked Mocke if he’d hurt anyone, and he said only the ones who won’t listen! Spoken like a true dictator and and all around megalomaniac (emphasis on maniac)!
Sayid’s brother wakes him up in the middle of the night, and Sayid has him in a Sleeper Hold in like .4 seconds. Which is…normal.
“Listen…I took a loan from this big tough muscley guy. I’ve made a huge mistake! At the time it didn’t seem like such a big deal, I told him I would gladly pay him Tuesday for a hamburger today, and he agreed! But when I paid him on Tuesday he said I owed him forever!”
Omer was asking Sayid to “convince” this bad guy to leave him alone, just like he used to get the enemy to “communicate” in Iraq!
Sayid: No! I am out of the torcha game!
Omer: Don’t lie to me, I saw your suitcase! Tasers? Scrunchies? Come on, brother! For me!
Sayid: I choked a chicken for you once.
Omer: That’s what she said.
Sayid: OMER. Listen to me. That was the first and last time I will ever kill for you. Srsly.
So then Miles sees Sayid is leaving, and when he asks him what’s up Sayid’s like, “Apparently I am evil and have been banished. I swear, people will just not forget about 9/11, sheesh.”
“Dude, they don’t think you’re a terrorist…they drowned you in that iced tea jacuzzi, and you were dead for 2 whole hours. But now I’m standing here talking to you. Which isn’t as weird for me as it would be for most, but still. You being up and about is a little…freaky deaky, man.”
“Don’t call it a comeback. HEY-OH!”
So then of course Buckets of Crazy shows up, and she goes right up to Dogen, and she’s like…
Claire: The Dark Lord has beckoned you. You must go to him.
Sayid: Who? Mock…
Claire: SHHH! No one shall utter the Dark Lord’s name!!
Dogen: You can tell You-Know-Who to shove it up his smokey behind. If I go out there, he’ll Avada Kedavra my ass before I have a chance to block!
Claire: So send someone he won’t kill, silly goose.
“Has it been six minutes already?”
So Dogen takes Sayid back to the VIP lounge, where he pulls out this samurai sword, and he explains:
1. There is this pissed off dude in the jungle who’s going to kill EVERYthing on the island
2. And Claire’s under his influence
3. And this guy has been trapped here for a long time
4. And oh btw he’s EVIL INCARNATE
5. MWA HA HA!!!!!
6. So if Sayid is still a marshmallow like he claims he is, he can kill this guy
7. And he’s going to show up in the jungle as someone Sayid already knows, someone who is dead
8. All he has to do is plunge this sword into the dude’s
manboobs chest and voila! Simple!*
* Subject cannot open mouth to speak, lest it shall be too late. Cannot be combined with another offer. Void where prohibited.
And Sayid agrees to do it! Because I can’t think of a better way to prove that you’re still a good person then by killing someone, right??
Back in the Sideways World, Uncle Sayid had just put the little scamps on the school bus when Nadia comes running out of the house – Omer seems to have been “in an accident” or “mugged” or “brutally injured because he owes some dude money!”
They rush to the hospital, and of course
Scrappy Doo’s Sayid’s first reaction is “Let me at ‘em, let me at ‘em!!” while brandishing his fists comically in the air, but Nadia begs him to do nothing! She tells him if he really wants to help, go home and wait for the kids!
And he listens to her! Because he loves her and also he’s a “good guy,” right? But there was one condition…
Sayid: Let me just sniff that hair again. Mmmm. Mmmmm. Mmmmm! MMM!
Nadia: Alright, that’s enough.
So then Kate comes back to the temple, and after she and Miles both admitted that Sawyer gave them each “Let’s just be friends” speeches…
Kate: So, what did I miss? Anyone else come back to life or anything?
Miles: Um, no. Hurley went looking for a Food Court 2 days ago and never came back.
Kate: So that’s it?
Miles: Umm…yeah, that’s it.
Miles: Oh wait, and that chick whose son you raised and you time traveled for rolled up about an hour ago.
Kate: WHAT!? CLAIRE’S HERE???
“Yeah, yeah, she’s inside. I’m pretty sure she is totally out of her gourd. Still hot, though. Her hair kind of looks like the drain in Chewbacca’s shower, and she smells kind of gamey, and she carries around a skull baby and ax murders people. But still, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed.”
And Sayid’s out in the jungle when all of the sudden the Smokey Express was pulling into the station!!! IT’S THE CRAZY TRAIN! ALL ABOOOOAAAARRRDDD!!!
And even though most of us had our doubts about this, Sayid was just like, “ON IT.” and totally just stuck that sword right into Mocke’s gut!!! Like without any hesitation!!! Too bad Smokey had had a split second to say “HAI SAYID” before he did it!
Not only does Mocke pull that sword right out again, with NO BLOOD on it, but he’s all like, “It’s just a flesh wound!!”
Mocke: Want your sword back, Zorro?
Sayid: What are you?
Mocke: I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.
Mocke: People know me.
Sayid: Well, I’m very happy for you.
Mocke: I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
So Mocke’s like, “Okay Sayid, let’s make a deal. If you go deliver my message to the Templetons, I’ll give you anything your ever-increasingly black heart desires.”
And that’s when Sayid said that the only thing he’s ever wanted died in his arms, and she’s never coming back!
And that’s when Shannon was like, “YOU HAD BETTER BE TALKING ABOUT ME, ASSHOLE.”
“Can’t live with them, can’t kill them. HA just kidding, I can totally kill them!”
So even though we kind of hoped that Sayid would turn around and say, “I would do anything for love…but I won’t do that…no I won’t do that…” we somehow doubt that was the outcome ;_;
So Nadia finally gets home from the hospital, and Sayid is cleaning up after he accidentally torcha-ed a vase.
Apparently back in the day, Sayid pushed Nadia to his brother instead of being with her!! And even though Nadia obviously still has a thing for Sayid (despite the hair sniffing), it’s been Sayid that has kept her away!
And he told her that the reason they could never be together is that he had done some awful things in the war, and that he was still trying to wash his hands of those crimes, and that he didn’t deserve her!
Which was both sad and adorable! But also worrisome because at this point we’re just waiting for the other foot to drop – onto someone’s neck – if you know what I mean.
Then Sayid moseys on back to the temple to deliver Smokey’s message!
Sayid: People of the temple, lend me your ears! Jacob is dead! You are free to leave! The Smokey Express is leaving at Sundown!
Audience: lol episode title
Sayid: Last call! You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here!
And Cindy’s like, “Well what if we do stay here?”
Sayid: You will pass on! You will be no more! You will cease to be! You will expire and go to meet your maker! You’ll be a stiff! Bereft of life, resting in peace! You’ll be pushing up the daisies! Your metabolic processes will be history! You’ll be off the twig! You’ll kick the bucket, shuffle off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and join the bleedin’ choir invisible! YOU WILL BE AN EX-PERSON!
Cindy: I think we get the picture!
Sayid: Very well! *shoots Dark Mark into the sky* YOU HAVE UNTIL SUNDOWN!
Meanwhile, Claire’s sitting at the bottom of a pit singing “Catch a Falling Star” to herself and generally being a creepy nutcase when Kate finally finds her!
Kate: Claire!! It’s me!! Kate!!! Wow Miles wasn’t wrong about you, I can smell you from up here!!
Claire: It rubs the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again!
“Kate!! They have Aaron! They stole MAH BOY right outta MAH HANDS!”
And Michael’s like, “Claire! Quit stealing my lines! DAMN!!”
So this was finally the moment that Kate had been waiting for! Giving Aaron to Claire’s mom, the second plane, the time travel, the 70′s and the Dharma Initiative, the atom bomb – ALL of that was leading to this moment!!
“Claire, I have Aaron! I took him away when we couldn’t find you, and I raised him as my own son, and I came back here to rescue you, to bring you back to him, so you can be together forever like you should be!”
And so she says all this thinking Claire’s going to be like “OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAVING MY SON AND LOVING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!!!!” but instead, Claire gives Kate the Ultimate Stink Eye!!!
“If anyone needs rescuing it’s you, home slice. He’s coming. And I don’t think any of you are ready for his jelly.”
So some [freighter] thugs kidnap Sayid and bring him to this very unsanitary restaurant where they apparently leave all their meat just sitting out on the counters. And we’re all kind of like, “Hm, knives? Industrial-sized dishwashers? This does not bode well for whoever’s in here…”
And it’s who else but Keamy! Looking like one of those scary Duracell people!!
Sayid: Who are you?
Keamy: I am the Egg Man. Goo goo g’ joob.
Sayid: Did you hurt my brother?
Keamy: I didn’t beat up your brother, I was MAKING EGGS.
So basically Keamy is the muscley guy Omer borrowed money from, and big surprise! He’s being a dick about it! He tells Sayid that someone had better pay up or else some serious shit would happen to his brother!!
“Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle it’s called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it’s called murder?”
And Sayid sighs to himself and goes, “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit manslaughter.”
Despite all the knives/dishwashers/other potentially lethal stuff sitting around, Sayid went the boring route and used a gun. TO KILL EVERY LAST MOTHERFUNKER IN THE ROOM. HA!
Because he’s Sayid Jarrah, Torchurra, who holds the Masters in Ass Kicking and a PhD in Badass Motherfucker-ology from the Jack Bauer Institute for Pwnage, and he is NOT to be trifled with, son!!!
And poor Daniel Dae Kim, who was finally allowed to speak English last year for like 6 whole episodes, was tied up in the walk-in, and forced to speak only Korean again.
So now I guess it’s official – Sayid’s Heart of Darkness ain’t going nowhere.
Back at the temple, Sayid comes back to Dogen and he’s like, “Well, I tried to kill that angry jungle man, but this sword did jack shit! Why do you keep having other people try to kill me when you had the chance yourself??”
And as is Lost’s way, instead of just answering the damn question, Dogen tells Sayid this whole big story about how he came to the island! In a nutshell, Dogen was a banker in Japan 15 years ago, got drunk, picked his kid up from baseball practice, and then got him killed in a bad accident. So Jacob showed up and said he’d bring this kid back to life if Dogen went to the island and never left again!
(This may or may not have been a message to all the Lost cast members who have gotten a DUI!)
Dogen guessed correctly that Smokey had offered Sayid a similar bargain, and that’s when Sayid casually mentioned that a.) it was sundown and b.) it was also time to die.
So Sayid tosses Dogen into the iced tea jacuzzi and drowns him with like NO EFFORT WHATSOEVER. I mean sure Claire is all possessed with Smokey and so she’s weird and scary, but Sayid was already a one man wrecking crew, now that he’s filled with The Dark Side he will be – dare I say it – UNSTOPPABLE!
Click for ambiance!!! LORD JARRAH, RISE.
And then Lennon shows up and is like “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, DOGEN WAS THE ONLY THING KEEPING IT OUT YOU IDIOT, YOU JUST LET IT IN!!”
AND SAYID SLITS HIS THROAT AND TOSSES HIM IN THE JACUZZI LIKE IT’S NO FUCKING BIG DEAL AT ALL. HAHAHA WOW.
HE IS THE NEW AND IMPROVED PWNMASTER 6000! HE SLICES! HE DICES! HE STABS, PUNCHES, STRANGLES, AND JULIENNES FRIES! AVAILABLE AT A LOCATION NEAR YOU.
And by now the Smokey Express is rolling into the station, reeking havoc and serving up a nice big slice of humble pie to all the Others that thought they could just stay and hang out!
And then FINALLY Ilana, LaPenis, Ben, and Sun all come running into the temple right in the nick of time! It’s been ages since we’ve had this many Losties under one (admittedly crumbling) roof!!
“HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS!”
And Kate runs back to rescue Claire again! And even though Claire wants to tear Kate’s eyes out with a spork, she tells her to climb into the pit because it’s safer there! And as soon as she’s in, Smokey comes blowing right over them!
And as Smokey’s flying over he’s all, “HERE I AM! ROCK YOU LIKE A SMOKEY-CANE!” *wails on air guitar*
Ben: I know I treated you wrong in the past, babeh, but we gotta get out of this place! I know a way, follow me! It’s not too late!
Sayid: It is for me! MWA HA HA!!!!!
And that’s when Ben backed away slowly, spun around, went “WUB WUB WUB!” and ran away as fast as he could, leaving a cloud of cartoon dust in his wake!
And Sayid was positively giddy with delight! As were we! But we were laughing at Ben, not at the whole Sodom and Gomorrah thing going on all around us lol.
Luckily for our intrepid heroes, Ilana inexplicably knew exactly where to hide in the temple to stay out of Smokey’s way! (I wish they would hurry up and explain why the hell she knows so much, amiright?)
And then as quickly as it had started, the whole thing was over and there was nothing but fire, death, and destruction all around! And to freak us out just a teeny bit MORE, they played Claire singing “Catch a Falling Star” again!
From the looks of it, Mocke had made an offer that most of the Templetons couldn’t refuse – he seems like he’s got a hell of a lot more followers than he did an hour ago!
And Sayid is pleased as punch!
*raises the roof*
*does the Roger Rabbit*
And Mocke’s obviously proud of the work his little minions have done!
And as per usual, Kate “I’m Going With You” Austen is both bewildered and disgusted, but goes along with them anyway!
And now as we get ever closer to this spectacular Rumble in the Jungle, the ultimate Good vs. Evil, we have to hope that Team Jacob consists of more than just a sniffly surgeon, a chubby guy, and Ilana, whoever the hell she is.
Will Claire bludgeon Kate with something pointy as soon as they leave the temple?
Can Smokey really bring Nadia back to life?
Have we seen the last of Dogen and his Kung Fu fighting?
Find out! On the next Lost!!