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This week we got something new. A show where half the flashbacks happened on the island and a timestamp on them to boot. We also got the long awaited backstory on Nikki and Paulo, the two newbies this season. For the last few weeks, the Lost boards have been buzzing with the news that Nikki has a seedy past as a stripper. It turns out the truth is much, much worse.
She’s an actress.
Oh and a murderess.
Old friends stopped by to say hello, Billy Dee Williams showed up and we got to see the first few weeks on the island from a different perspective. We learned that Paulo knew far more about the island and the Others than anyone else on the beach, but for his own reasons chose not to share what he knew. Bad Paulo!
The big surprise for me was that for once, we got an episode that completely shot down a theory that’s been floating around the net all season. More on that later.
Finally, we can all now stop asking “Who the hell are Paulo and Nikki?” The real question has to be “What was the point of Paulo and Nikki?” Surely there was a point.
More on murder, theft, betrayal, lies, spiders, one less Lost theory and a crap load of diamonds after the jump.
The opening this week is a shot of Nikki running desperately through the jungle. She stops to quickly bury something with her bare hands and then gets up and plows on through the jungle.
Cut to her being introduced at a strip bar as “Corvette”. Insert adolescent male “vroom vroom” noises and spanking jokes to taste.
She’s currently waiting tables at The Standard downtown. God bless day players!
As she dances, she sees a man walk through the club with a briefcase. She bursts in to the office just in time to see the case opened, revealing wads of cash being handed over to…Billy Dee Williams?
Lando The Lost
First “Jabba”, then the Old Wookie Prisoner Gag and now Lando Calrissian. This show sure knows how to make us geeks feel right at home. Sparkly bikinis and Star Wars.
An incredibly cheesy exchange between Lando (who we learn is Mr. LaShade and also “The Cobra” – hmmm…bad guy masquerading as a good guy…) and Corvette follows and then just like Han Solo before him, Lando shoots first.
(*Geek side note: Han really did shoot first, no matter how many times Lucas tries to CGI us into believing that Han and Greedo decided to settle their differences though a frank discussion of their grievances over a nice mocha chino.*)
Did she really say “Razzle Dazzle” before kicking the henchman in the face?
By this time, if you haven’t figured out that The Cobra and Corvette are characters on a really bad tv show, you really need to burn your Baywatch DVDs.
Sure enough, “Cut” is called and that’s a “Series wrap” on the show “Expose” for Nikki. The director/producer takes her aside and suggests that perhaps they could resurrect the character with some (not so) creative writing, but Nikki knows that she’s a guest star and what the fate of all guest stars must be. Her character is dead.
Is it just me or has Lost gotten into the habit of talking directly to the audience lately?
Then there’s the big reveal that she loves the man she’s talking to, a guy old enough to be her grandfather. They kiss.
Greybishop pauses his DVR to go have a shower.
Ummmm. . . too easy.
Sawyer is trying to improve his ping-pong game, going best out of five, and then best of seven against the island’s resident table tennis shark, Hurley.
As they play, Nikki stumbles out of the jungle and collapses. As Sawyer heads into the jungle to get help, the stripper/actress/molestee breathes one last word to Hurley.
“Dude. Nikki’s dead.”
“Who the hell’s Nikki?”
I almost expected Sawyer to break the fourth wall and wink at us.
(*Theatre buff side note: When a character in a tv show, movie or stage show talks directly to the audience, it is known as “Breaking the fourth wall,” which implies that we the audience suspend our disbelief and in effect become the fourth wall of the stage. In recent weeks, Lost has come very close to breaking the fourth wall, particularly with reference to Paulo and Nikki.*)
84 days ago, Nikki and Howie are having a meal together. Howie introduces Nikki to his new chef, Paulo. Apparently, back home, Paulo is the “Wolfgang Puck” of Brazil. Brazil…I wonder if Paulo plays chess or owns a parka?
It seems that Paulo heard that Howie was hiring and showed up at his office every day until he got the job.
I must say, I was surprised that Paulo was a chef. Somehow I just assumed he was a plumber.
Howie passes Nikki a homemade roll and when she removes it from the basket, there’s a bracelet behind it. As Howie explains that one day it will be a ring, not just a bracelet, he starts showing signs of heart attack. In moments, he’s gone.
Nikki rips open the dead man’s shirt and removes a key from around his neck.
“I would have loved it if you could have figured out a way where I didn’t have to eat the same food as him.”
Not just a bad actress with a great body. A bad person. With a great body.
Bonnie and Clyde head into a walk in closet and open a safe that contains stuff that is “Way off the books.” As they open the safe, Paulo tries to light an post murder smoke, but Nikki points out that ashes from the cigarette would be evidence and stops him before he can get it lit. Inside the safe, they find…a Russian nesting doll.
“Razzle freakin’ Dazzle.”
Do I hear more tapping on that fourth wall?
The Scooby Gang is gathered around Nikki’s corpse, discussing what might have happened to her. There’s no obvious signs of what might have killed her, so the idea of poison comes up. Sun suggests that they check the food supply to be sure. Doing his best Quincy impression, Charlie notices “gunk” under her fingernails.
Sawyer recounts how she stumbled out of the jungle, face planted and said something like “Plywood”.
Hurley thought it was “Power lines.”
As they discuss it, the big man realizes that it wasn’t “Power lines” but “Paulo lies.”
“Who the hell’s Paulo?”
Hurley explains that Paulo is her husband or boyfriend. Sawyer wonders where Paulo might be, because if he lies, that’s probably a good place to start.
80 days ago, at the airport, Paulo reads an article to Nikki about the man they killed. He was found dead in his home, apparently of heart failure. They seem to have gotten away with it. Happiness and kissing ensue. Nikki notes that he’s chewing gum, so he shows her the nicotine gum he’s using to help him quit smoking.
Old friends Shannon and Boone show up in the lounge, but there’s no where for them to sit. Shannon’s bitchy whining draws Paulo and Nikki’s attention even before Boone asks if he can borrow their spare chair. When Shannon brow beats Boone into leaving the lounge, Nikki asks Paulo to promise that they’ll never end up like them.
On one hand, unless their parents get married to each other, there’s not much danger of that. Of course, there’s that pesky dying on Mystery Frickin’ Island similarity they might have to watch out for.
From the airport, flash forward to the first few moments after the crash. During the mayhem, Nikki searches frantically for Paulo. During her search, one of the Season 3 theories about her and Paulo is put to bed. For a while there has been speculation that somehow our resident time traveller, Desmond, had managed to change something in the past, which resulted in Paulo and Nikki taking the place of Rose and Bernard on the plane, explaining why the older couple have been so conspicuously absent all season. We see Boone killing Rose with kindness just before Jack rushes in and performs CPR just as badly.
So. No switcheroo. So where are Rose and Bernard anyway?
Just after she sees Boone and Rose, Nikki is stopped dead in her tracks and looks up at part of the plane wreckage. She seems to hear something. This maybe?
Hey, I remember this. . . this is back when LOST was a great show, remember?
Then all hell breaks loose as Mr. Darwin-was-SO- right backs his about to be hamburger ass right into the still running jet engine.
Seconds after the explosion, she finds Paulo and turns him over. Only it’s not Paulo, its a completely unexploded Dr. Leslie Arzt. He frantically asks Nikki if they survived and if he’s ok. You don’t suppose he thinks that he died and is in Limbo or Purgatory do you?
In my favourite scene of the week, Boone runs up to Nikki (slinky little flowered dress, no purse) and asks if she has a pen. If you recall, he’s looking for a pen to do the “Father Mulcahey from M.A.S.H. style Tracheotomy” on Rose. Nikki naturally gives him the “What the hell could you possibly want a pen for?” look and moves on.
Finally, she spots Paulo and rushes to him. The second she sees that he’s basically hale and healthy, she asks about the bag.
The Scooby Gang follow Nikki’s trail back into the jungle and come upon another corpse.
“I’m guessin’ that’s Paulo.”
He’s just like Nikki, no wound or evidence of trauma. Oddly, his pants are undone and one of his shoes is lodged in a tree across the clearing.
When Jin goes to taste the water from the bottle Paulo was carrying, Sawyer stops him and dumps the water. He’s thinking it might be poisoned. Hurley reminds him that the water is “evidence” and that Sawyer is contaminating the “crime scene”.
“Crime scene? Is there a forensics hatch I don’t know about?”
Jin cuts the conversation short before the CSI jokes can start to fly. He figures that the culprit is obvious:
75 Days ago, Nikki is reassuring Paulo that “There’s no such thing as monsters.” Paulo, like Hurley before him, speculates that it might have been a dinosaur. “It’s not Jurassic Park, Paulo, it’s the South Pacific.”
She snaps Paulo’s focus back to the missing bag and their ill gotten diamonds. They have to find them before they get rescued, since they Coast Guard won’t wait around for them to find their missing luggage.
Just then, Ethan (You remember Ethan, right? Plumber, surgeon, corporate recruiter, kidnapper, brain-washer, spy, clothier…makes a helluva martini…) emerges from the jungle and suggests that the couple might find their missing luggage further inland, since the plane broke up over the island.
(*Lost fan WTF: Why would Other, Ethan, encourage these two to explore inland? After all, they might stumble on one of the hatches or Otherville’s sonic fence…*)
During the discussion, Arzt flies by yelling “Boone! Boone took the water.”
Just as the mob prepares to lynch Mr. Cheekbones, Jack returns and gives his signature “Live together, die alone” speech. Oddly, he makes no mention of tattoos, Volkswagon microbuses or secret hatches, all of which are vital to island survival.
Speaking of dying, as they carry the bodies to the rapidly growing island grave yard, Hurley is voicing his opinion as to what killed the couple voted “Most likely to make ridiculously good looking Island Children”. He figures it’s the monster, just like Jin.
“Locke said when Eko died, his last words were: ‘You’re next’ and Nikki and Paulo were with them. He was talking about them”
“He wasn’t saying ‘You’re next’ about them. He was saying ‘You’re next’ as in ‘You’re all next.’”
“Yeah, that’s not really better.”
Sawyer figures that the best way to find out about “Nina and Pablo”, the two dead “jabonies” is to start with the stuff in their tent.
(*Lost Fan Side Note: I guess that using nicknames on the dead doesn’t count against Sawyer’s “No nicknames for a week” stake.*)
(*Lost Fan Grin: Jin has this week’s best line: “Ja bone ees?”*)
57 Days ago, Nikki’s boobs ask Dr. Arzt for help in finding her lost luggage. She takes an interest in his growing collection of biological samples, particularly a spider, latradactus regina, the Medusa spider. A female of the species excretes pheromones strong enough to draw every male for miles. Charmed beyond all capacity for coherent thought, Arzt naturally agrees to help her boobs find their lost luggage.
Like I wasn’t going to use this screencap?
(*Geek side note: I could only find one spider variety with the name “regina” in it’s Latin name, “Pediana regina”, which is a spider of unknown toxicity and ugly as sin to boot…*)
Paulo seems a tad jealous of Leslie and his spiders. He brings up the fact that she slept with Zuckerman to facilitate their theft of the diamonds in the first place. She reminds him that she did that for them both. As they argue, they stumble on the infamous Beechcraft still lodged in the jungle canopy. Nikki suggests that Paulo climb up and check for a radio, but he balks at the idea of climbing up into a plane perched so precariously in the trees. Good thing too. Otherwise, Boone would have had to find some other damn fool way to die.
As they start crossing the clearing, Nikki spots the latch handle of the Pearl Station. They clear it off and open it. Paulo wants to go down and check it out, but this time it’s Nikki who balks. She figures that exploring a deep dark hole in the ground is at least as foolish as climbing up into the Beechcraft and it’s obvious that their missing bag won’t be in the hole.
As the Scooby Gang go through the deceased couple’s things, they find some of Dr. Arzt’s bug collection and a script for “Expose”. Hurley knows the show.
“It’s like Baywatch, only better.” Um…Hugo…nevermind.
He’s stoked to discover that Nikki was on the show and that LaShade is “The Cobra”.
“The Cobra is this big bad guy who’s identity’s been shrouded in mystery for four seasons.”
Along with bugs and scripts, the deceased duo had a walkie talkie. Sawyer figures that Nikki and Paulo were working with the Others.
48 days ago, Shannon and Arzt are confronting Kate about the case of guns that she and Sawyer found in the jungle. While Incest Girl and Boom Boom are concerned about something as important as a case of guns not being shared openly with the camp, all Nikki wants to know is just precisely where Kate found the case.
The two head to the Grotto of Love where Kate found the case and Nikki gets Paulo to do the hard part. Personally, I was hoping for a repeat of the Kate strip-down that we got the first time we saw the Grotto, but alas, it appears that Nikki’s clothes only come off when there’s a bigger audience than just Paulo. The chef dives in, finds the bag they’re looking for and since he’s no longer sure of his lady’s loyalty, when she asks if he found anything, he lies through his perfect teeth that he only found bodies, no bag.
Back at the makeshift cemetery, the Scooby Gang is discussing the possibility that the couple might have been working for the Others all along. When Charlie asks why then would the Others decide to kill Nikki and Paulo if they were working with them, Sawyer’s answer is “Who knows why those people do anything.”
Is there even a fourth wall left?
Hurley is skeptical. He reminds everyone that he was with the Others two weeks ago and they’re based on the far side of the island. Sun isn’t so sure since she was nearly abducted by them. Charlie and Sawyer looks just a bit nervous when she mentions that uncomfortable bit of business. Eager to change the subject, Sawyer draws his gun (??) and heads off to do a “Perimeter sweep” and see if he can see any sign of “Them”.
32 Days ago, Paulo is popping nicotine gum and digging a hole on the beach when Locke walks up and asks what he’s doing. When Locke realizes that Paulo isn’t going to tell him why he’s digging a hole, he offers up some friendly advice.
“Things don’t stay buried on this island. The beach is eroding. Winter’s coming, high tide. Whatever it is you’re hidin’, make sure you pick a spot that won’t wash away.”
Paulo does just that. The Pearl Station. He explores it alone and finds the perfect spot to hide the Russian nesting doll: The toilet tank.
Just as he’s getting ready to hide the doll, he hears voices outside.
“Who left this open?”
“Tom was down here a couple of days ago.”
It’s Ben and Juliette! They’ve come to the Pearl Station to take a peek at Jack. While they spy on him, they discuss how Ben is going to convince the good doctor to perform the surgery.
“I find out what he’s emotionally invested in and I exploit it.”
Turns out that Ben has already figured out a way to get Michael to bring Kate, Sawyer and Dr. Jack at the run.
On his way out, Paulo snags a walkie that the Others left behind.
When Sherriff Hurley asks Desmond if he might know anything about Nikki and Paulo’s death, he tells the big man that he saw Nikki yelling at Sawyer this morning. Hurley takes the info to Sun and Charlie to get the rest of the Scooby Gang’s opinion on the Sawyer situation. During the conversation, Vincent runs off with the tarp that they covered the bodies with.
After Hurley leaves, Charlie reveals his part in Sun’s abduction.
9 Days ago, Locke is leading a group to the Pearl Station to check out its computer in the hopes that it can help them find their people. He asks if anyone wants to come along, and Nikki immediately volunteers. Paulo is surprised, but she points out that he’s always complaining about not being involved and now’s their chance.
While the group explores the hatch and tries to determine if any of the equipment can be salvaged, Paulo retrieves the diamonds from the Russian nesting doll, flushing the toilet to cover the fact that he took a shit load out of the toilet.
At the cemetery, Hurley confronts Sawyer about his argument with Nikki. Sawyer explains that Nikki wanted him to give her a gun. Turns out that he wanted to follow the lead of the dirt under Nikki’s nails and see what it turned up and that’s why he didn’t tell the group about his run in with her. He figures that anything that is important enough to bury when you are moments away from death must be pretty special. He tosses Sun the diamonds to prove that he had nothing to do with the couple’s death.
12 hours ago, Nikki asks Paulo if he realizes that Thanksgiving was 2 weeks ago. Paulo reassures her that they’ll get rescued. He has a new way of looking at things, like the bag with the diamonds. All that money might have torn the two of them apart. After he leaves, Nikki finds the nicotine gum that was in their luggage and realizes that the bastard has been lying to her murderous face all this time. She heads immediately for Sawyer and the stash of guns she thinks he has. She finds Sawyer deep into Agatha Christie’s mystery “Evil Under the Sun”. He refuses to give her a gun, mainly because she seems pretty ticked off and nothing good ever came of the combination of an angry woman and a 9mm.
Agatha Christie will tell you that it just ain’t that simple to stop a woman bent on killin’ somebody.
“How ’bout you go stick your head in the ocean and cool yourself off.”
“Thanks for nothin’.”
“And who the hell are you?”
At the cemetery, with a “Thanks for nothin’” of his own, Sawyer closes Nikki’s eyes for the last time and sets to work digging the grave for the couple.
Sun stops by and tells him what Charlie told her.
“You gonna tell Jin?”
“Because then we’d have to dig another grave.”
She leaves him with the worthless diamonds and a solid slap across the face.
(*Sun fan side note: Was I the only one who read serious attitude in her walk away wiggle? Awesome.*)
Yep, she sure looks preggers. Based on the inexplicable growth and through the magic of LOST island,
I suspect HURLEY is carrying her baby!
Hurley conducts a brief memorial for the fallen couple.
Sawyer tosses the diamonds into the grave.
8 hours ago, Nikki leads Paulo into the jungle. When they are in deep enough, actress Nikki drops the facade and tells Paulo that she knows he has the diamonds because she found the nicotine gum that was packed with them. She tosses one of Dr. Arzt’s Medusa Spiders at him and it bites him as he kills it. The Medusa Spider’s venom doesn’t kill but it does paralyze. Paulo will be unable to move for about 8 hours and his heart rate will drop so low that even a doctor would have a hard time finding a pulse.
Quick, who am I?
“Alas, poor Yurik, I knew him Horatio.”
She searches the rapidly fading Paulo, removing his shoe and tossing it away. When she doesn’t find it there, she tries the next logical spot and undoes his pants. Lo and behold, along with his Brazil Nuts, the diamonds.
Umm, hey. you know what.. . .he totally gave me the diamonds.
Yeah, ohhh look, Im paralyzed also. search me next. SEARCH ME NEXT!!!
As the paralysis takes hold, he tries to explain that he did it because he was afraid of losing her over the diamonds. Riiiight.
Of course, Nikki forgot about the hormone that the female spider produces that brings the males running. Right up her leg. Hey, if I’m a male spider, that’s where I’m going too.
Was that Smokey we heard as the Spider Cavalry rode in?
She gets bit, and now we return to that opening scene of her running through the jungle and furiously burying the diamonds before crashing onto the beach where Hurley and Saywer are playing ping-pong.
Not “plywood” or “power lines” or even “Paulo lies”.
The grave gets filled in and just before the first shovelful hits her face, Nikki’s eyes snap open.
Yeah, no clever caption. . . just this would really suck. Major suckage.
No one notices and they continue to fill in the pit until it’s completely covered.
So, for all the Nikki and Paulo haters, they’re gone.
Of course, like Locke says, “Nothin’ stays buried on this island.”
In the greatest ironic twist I can imagine, I almost hope they do come back, because if they don’t they were pretty much pointless.