Lost: Scooby-Dooby-DO Me!

My assignment is late this week. More a refresher for tonight than a recap from Thursday, really. I’d give you a big song and dance about the why’s and the wherefore’s, but let’s face it: You wouldn’t care. Plus even if I gave you documented proof, you’d never believe I was abducted by a tribe of Amazonian aliens to use as breeding stock.

It’s been a rough week.

Having this week’s episode of Lost start with what looks like a return to the John Locke of season 2 didn’t help. Locke wakes up and starts a little egg and melon breakfast, just like a good little Hatch-Wife. He takes a book off the shelf and heads out to deliver breakfast.

(*Thankfully interesting book choice sidenote: Valis by Philip K. Dick is a science fiction book that deals with spirituality and artificial environments. I haven’t read it (PKD is the guy who wrote “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep” which became the movie Blade Runner. He writes trippy sci-fi that isn’t my cup of tea.) but the wiki article on it makes for some interesting reading. Particularly the description of the element of the “Black Iron Prison” which I’ll steal:

“Once, in a cheap science fiction novel, Fat had come across a perfect description of the Black Iron Prison, but set in the far future. So if you superimposed the past (ancient Rome) over the present (California in the twentieth century) and superimposed the far future world of The Android Cried Me a River over that, you got the Empire, as the supra- or trans-temporal constant. Everyone who had ever lived was literally surrounded by the iron walls of the prison; they were all inside it and none of them knew it.”

Sound familiar?)

Did no one think to stock some Sidney Sheldon? Jeez. Lighten up, Island.

Now, back to the re-emasculation of John Locke.

He takes breakfast and the book to none other than Ben, once again locked in a room and ready to bake old Johnny’s noodle. Locke really should know by now that having Ben locked in a room is FAR more dangerous than dragging him around in the jungle. We may have a recent picture of Ben working in a Vet’s office or some sort of laboratory facility, but there is little doubt that he’s a master manipulator and well versed in psychology. He has Locke’s number and isn’t afraid to push his bald buttons.

He starts by rejecting the copy of Valis that Locke brings him to pass the time. When Locke suggests that he might catch something he missed the first time through the book, Ben ignores the suggestion, subtly conveying his confidence in his own mind. Ben isn’t the type to miss anything.

When Locke asks Ben to share the name of the spy Ben claims to have on Miles’ ship, Ben switches gears and turns the conversation to Locke’s desperate search for direction.

“You’re so desperate to figure out what to do next, you’re even asking me for help. So, here we are, just like old times. Except I’m locked in a different room and you’re more lost than you ever were.”

I’m sure everyone out there noted the slight over emphasis on the word “Lost” in Ben’s delivery. It was pointed out that I was wrong in thinking that the writers hadn’t used the “L” word prior to this season, but even though they’ve let other characters use the word, they’ve never had one use it quite as pointedly.

Have you LOST the urge to belittle yourself over your LOST father and LOST wife and LOST hair, LOSTer?

Instead of the standard beating of the bug-eyed one, Locke simply snaps up the tray with Ben’s breakfast on it and shuts his prisoner back into the dark. Just when I start thinking that perhaps I was wrong and Locke isn’t reverting to his Hatch-wife persona, he takes a few steps and slams the tray against the wall in a fit of frustration. Of course, Ben hears the shattering dishes and allows himself a satisfied eyebrow twitch.

Have I mentioned I really HATED the season two Locke?

It’s my sincere hope that Locke is trying to play Ben against himself by pretending to be frustrated, but I just don’t see the writers heading that direction. I’d love it if they would though.

As if to kill my hope before it’s even fully formed, we see an angry Locke storming out of “his” house, slamming the door despite the fact that he’s probably out of Ben’s earshot.

Kate watches the display and asks Claire if she knows what it’s about.

He just heard Firefly was cancelled.

“Who knows. It’s Locke.”

Why is Claire still on the show again?

Sawyer strolls up, commenting on how good the coffee smells. Claire offers to go and make him a cup. Right. That’s why she’s there.

We are now three minutes into the show. We’ve had breakfast and now coffee. I had no idea I was recapping The View.

Kate and Sawyer chat about her moving in with him and what her agenda might be since she’s not willing to become Sawyer’s new roomie. Did I tune into the right show?

If Sherri Shepherd says the island is flat one more time, I’m gonna kill someone.

(*Mugshot sidenote: For those who are interested in the REALLY trivial stuff, Kate’s mug is a “Mainstays” mug. Mainstays is apparently an exclusive brand of Wal-Mart. Even so, I’m not taking any “Wal-Mart is Dharma” conspiracy bets.)

Ultimately, Kate tells him that she simply doesn’t trust him and that’s why she’s not telling him her reasons for staying with the Locke group. She then shoos him off the porch.

First The View. Now The Waltons.

In her lawyer’s amazingly soundproof car, Kate tries to convince him to take her in the back entrance.

Wait. That didn’t come out right.

Kate wonders if they can use the back entrance.

Nope. That still sounds kinda dirty.

Kate’s lawyer convinces her to go in the front entrance with her head held high.

Ok, I can use that.

Leaving the amazingly soundproof car, Kate is assaulted by paparazzi. I gotta say, I never expected to use the word “paparazzi” in a Lost recap.

Who are you wearing?!?

This big guy yells something unintelligible (It kind of sounds like “We’ll get you all” but that’s really not much more than a guess) at her as she fights her way into the courthouse. I’m reasonably certain we’ll be seeing him again.

In the courtroom, Kate enters a not guilty plea and the prosecutor argues successfully to keep “Who, me? A flight risk?” Kate in custody during the trial. Insert your own Chained Heat imagery here.

On the beach, Jin is trying to get Sun to choose a place for them to go in America. Albuquerque is too hot (I’m REALLY impressed that ESL student Jin is able to read “Albuquerque” and figure out that it’s pronounced “Albakurkee”), New York is too crowded. Sun really wants to go back to Korea to have her baby. So she did the same math that I did way back in Season 3, figuring out that since she and Jin weren’t on speaking terms at the time that Juliet estimated as the conception date, that the baby is not likely his. Her silence when he says “You mean our baby,” speaks volumes. Fortunately for Sun, that moment is cut short when Jack returns with Juliet, Charlotte and Faraday.

Faraday looks distinctly uncomfortable when Jack tells the group that the freighter crew can make arrangements to get all of them off the island. Sun asks about Kate and Jack looks distinctly uncomfortable when he tells her that Kate decided to stay with Locke.

Speaking of Kate and Locke, Kate is at his door, catching him cleaning up after he just choked his…er…killed a chicken.

XYZ, perv.

Kate wants to talk to Miles. When Locke asks her why, she evades by saying “It’s personal”. Locke has a simple answer.

“No.”

When she protests, he explains that his little operation is not a democracy, unlike Jack’s version of island governance.

“Then, I guess that makes it a dictatorship.”

“If I was a dictator, I would just shoot you and go about my day.”

I’m gonna guess that Locke failed “Threat Veiling 101″.

Kate, never one to be deterred by a death threat, finds Hurley as he is carrying a tray of food. Within about six seconds, she fools him into telling her that Miles is being held in the boathouse.

“You just totally Scooby-Doo’ed me didn’t you?”

Hurley’s great, but Locke REALLY should know better than to give him secret responsibilities by now.

It turns out that Kate’s reason for wanting to talk to Miles is personal. She wants to know if he knows about who she is and what she has done. Obviously, Kate thinks that at least some of Miles’ reason for being on the island isn’t the finding of Ben or Desmond. She seems to suspect that there is a deeper game at work here and as usual she’s working towards covering her own pretty ass.

Yeah, I know you. Weren’t you dating that hobbit dude?

Miles makes her a deal. He’ll tell her everything he knows about her as long as she finds a way for him to talk to Ben. Deals. That’s what this episode is all about.

(*You probably already found this out by now sidenote: Eggtown (The title of the episode) is a word that used to be a term used by travelling salesmen in the Great Depression. An “eggtown”was a town or region that was so poor that no good deals could be made there. Often, travelling salesmen would trade goods for their stock, since cash wasn’t always available. The hope was to be able to trade the goods further down the line for real money or at least something more valuable. No one would trade a travelling salesman for eggs since they might well be past edible, so taking eggs in trade for your stock was a bad deal that you would never be able to make pay.)

Taking a break from the pillow fights and mass showering that we all know go on in every women’s prison, Kate has a sit down with her attorney. He has a strategy that he wants to use, since Kate’s Mother is the prosecution’s star witness. He wants to put Kate’s son in the courtroom to generate sympathy for her case. She is having none of it.

(*Almost a week late sidenote:I know that I’m saying this LONG after the fact, but did ANYONE out there not assume that this “son” was going to be Aaron?)

Back on the beach, Jack is unable to reach the ship with the phone. Juliet facetiously suggests that they try another number, like 911. Jack gives her a look that every single man in the audience recognized immediately. It’s the look that a man’s face takes on as he bites his own tongue off for fear of never getting laid again.

We learn that it has been a whole day since Sayid left in the helicopter. Sun puts into words what many of them are thinking.

“What if Locke was right? What if these people are here to hurt us?”

“Locke has no idea what he’s doing.” Well, that may be true, Jack, but that doesn’t really answer the question now does it?

Hanging laundry with Claire, as they casually discuss the captive Ben and Locke’s weird cooking fetish, we learn that Kate isn’t very good with babies. Plus, could you please shower and take Sawyer up on some different clothes before handling clean linen?

Back in the court room, Kate’s lawyer has a surprise witness. It’s Jack! Ok, not so much a surprise.

Don’t even try to defend We Are Marshall. Your ass’ll be thrown in the can.

Jack’s testimony is a fabric woven of more lies than I can count, including “facts” like the death of the U.S. Marshal who was escorting Kate before he and Jack could ever talk, Kate being the one to tell him that she was a prisoner and on and on and on…

It seems that between “today” on the island and “today” in the courtroom, there has been an awful lot of revisionist history.

Jack tells a story of Kate the hero, who pulled survivors from the water after a crash that left only eight people alive, saving lives with first aid, food gathering and general gosh-darned goody two-shoes-ism.

To paraphrase Rousseau, “Was he on the same island I’ve been watching?”

On cross examination the D.A., who has taken this case on herself rather than the normal practice of having an assistant D.A. prosecute the case, has only one question.

“Do you love the defendant?”

I have only one question for the D.A.. How the HELL did such a lame idiot become a lawyer, let alone a District Attorney? “Do you love the defendant?” Seriously? She might as well have asked him what he had for breakfast for all the relevance of the question. I’m sorry folks, but someone at the Lost recently renegotiated contract writing table should find themselves writing a resume instead of a television show.

Do you, or do you not, sir, wear Old Spice?

Bizarrely, the lawyer for the defense objects! Slam! That’s another writer getting booted out the door. Good grief!

Jack finally answers “No. Not anymore.” Like anyone in the jury could possibly give a damn.

Back in Otherville, Hurley is trying to pick a movie. Choices are “Xanadu” or “Satan’s Doom”.

(*Cinematic sidenote: Hopefully the movie “Xanadu” has nothing to do with Lost, because it’s about dancing and the Muses of Greek mythology who inspire artists. BUT. Xanadu is the name of the Chinese province where Khan establishes his pleasure garden in the poem “Kubla Khan, or, A Vision in a Dream, A Fragment”. What “Satan’s Doom” might have to do with the show might prove more interesting, but with a name like “Satan’s Doom” I just can’t see how. No entry on any movie database that I could find.)

Sawyer is reading.

(*Sawyer’s book club sidenote: As usual, Sawyer’s book pick is a Lost related piece of literature. “The invention of Morel” is by Adolfo Bioy Casares, takes place on an island, and involves mystery, suspense and some less than likely romance.)

As the movie starts, Kate arrives on Sawyer’s doorstep. Hurley gives Sawyer a wink, but Sawyer chooses to ignore it and moves he and Kate into the kitchen. He offers her some of their special Dharma wine in a box and tells her flat out that he knows that she’s there to get something from him, since she’s already told him she didn’t stay behind for him.

He’s right. She wants his help to get Ben out of Locke’s clutches.

Next thing we see, there’s Sawyer on Locke’s doorstep, backgammon board in hand. As they set up the board, Locke asks if Sawyer is worried about whether or not Locke knows what he’s doing.

Um…Locke? Good leaders never ask their followers, not even the second in command, if they think they know what you’re doing. That is a sure sign that you don’t.

Tell me the truth. Do you think I’m handsome?

Sawyer reassures him that he would be more worried if he was still on the beach and that the rest of the group is following like sheep.

Except Kate. Sawyer tries to secure Locke’s word not to harm her before warning the leader of Kate’s intentions. Locke agrees and Sawyer spills her intention to try to get Ben free.

“Why?”

“She talked to that guy, Bruce Lee, from the freighter. The guy you’ve got locked up. He told her to bring Ben down for a chat.”

“That’s impossible. She doesn’t even know where Miles is.”

“What? The boat house down by the dock? If Hugo knows, everybody knows.”

Locke grabs a gun and heads out at a run for the boathouse. At this point, if you weren’t screaming “CON!!!” at your television, I vote you off the island.

Locke might have the coolest knife collection, but he’s far from the sharpest one in the drawer. Naturally, when they arrive, Miles is gone.

Kate busts the window in Locke’s door and brings Miles to the basement. Without hesitation, she shoots the lock off the door.

“You got one minute. Go.”

“How ’bout some privacy?”

“Fifty-five seconds.”

Tell me the truth. Do you think I’m handsome?

Miles figures he better make the best of what little time he has. The exchange between he and Ben is as interesting as it is puzzling.

“You know who I am?”

“Yes.”

“You know who I work for?”

“Yes.”

“And you know he’s put a lot of time and energy into finding you. So now, I found you and I can tell him exactly where you are. Or I can lie and tell him you’re already dead. I’d be willing to do that for three point two million dollars.”

Kate’s expression is as surprised as the rest of the audience. Ben says what we’re all thinking:

“You’ve arranged this meeting so you could blackmail me?”

“It’s extortion if you want to get technical.”

“Three point two? Why not three point three or three point four?”

Miles and Ben share a look that says that more than money is on the line here.

“What makes you think that I have access to that kind of money?”

“Do not treat me like I’m one of them! Like I don’t know who you are and what you can do.”

“Your friend Charlotte has seen me. She knows I’m alive.”

“I’ll take care of Charlotte. You just worry about getting me the money. You have two days.”

“My present situation is a little bit restricted. Can that be amended?”

“Okay, one week. In cash.”

Both Miles and Ben seem pretty confident that Ben being locked in a tiny room, tied to a chair is only a minor inconvenience and that he will be able to handle the payoff without much trouble. That seems even weirder than the whole conversation. Another deal.

Kate pulls him bodily out of the little cell. She puts Miles up against the wall and demands that he prove that he knows about her and her past. Sure enough, he does, reciting the Kate rap sheet for murder and more.

Locke bursts in just as Miles is suggesting that maybe Kate’s best bet is to stay on the island, rather than get rescued.

A while later, Kate is listening to “She’s got you” when John comes a-knockin’. All he wants is to know what the two captives said to each other. She tells him and tries to apologize for her actions. Locke isn’t in the forgiving mood. He banishes her from his little tribe.

In what looks like a conference room in the courthouse, Kate has a face to face with her Mother. Mamma Austin is obviously quite ill, and all she really wants is to see her grandson. She seems interested in trading her testimony for a chance to see him. Kate doesn’t seem interested in the deal.

Why Kate would be so stubborn about such a simple deal is really quite puzzling.

Fine. Then give me a cigarette.

Back in Otherville, Kate slides into Sawyer’s room. We learn (as if it wasn’t dead obvious already) that Sawyer actually helped her execute her plan. She tells him about her banishment and he valiantly “unbanishes” her. She stays the night. Fortunately for Sawyer, she seems to have taken my advice about the shower and clothes. Seems Kate’s stayin’ the night.

Over at the beach, Charlotte and Faraday are playing some three card monte, only it’s not the usual con-man version. It seems she’s quizzing him in a sort of timed memory test. He can only remember two of the three cards. Well, Naomi did call him a “head case”. It seems that not all of Faraday’s sandwiches came to the picnic.

Jack interrupts the little session, demanding to know why no one on the boat is answering. It’s now been over a day since Sayid left on the ‘copter.

“There is another number that we’re only supposed to use in emergencies.”

Juliet points out the obvious. “It’s an emergency.”

Jack, finally beginning to show a healthy suspicion of the whole situation tells Charlotte to put the call on the speaker.

Regina answers but wonders why Charlotte is using the emergency number. Charlotte tells her that Minkowski wasn’t answering, and that the people on the island were concerned about their friends that left on the chopper. Regina seems genuinely confused about this. She thinks that the chopper is still on the island.

This would be really tension building and concerning, except for two things.

1) We know that Sayid gets off the island okay, so no crashy-splashy, obviously.

2) Despite a convincing performance by “Regina”, we’ve already seen hints of some “the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing” on the boat, so even if she is telling the truth, it doesn’t mean much.

In the boat house, Miles is now suspended from the ceiling rather than tied to a chair. Locke doesn’t think this is sufficient punishment however. He has something more…evil in mind.

Without any explanation, he puts a grenade in Miles’ mouth and pulls the pin.

(*I have a dirty mind side note: This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “Please don’t go off in my mouth.”)

“I realize that when I tied you up in here the other day, I made the mistake of failing to introduce myself. My name is John Locke, and I’m responsible for the well being of this island. Eventually, Miles, you’re going to tell me who you are, and you’re going to tell me about the people on the boat, and you’re going to tell me why you’re so interested in Ben. In the meantime, however, you’re going to keep your mouth shut. I learned something yesterday. No use having rules if there’s no punishment for breaking them. Enjoy your breakfast.”

Okay. Apparently, Locke is as fed up with being the Hatch-Wife as I am with watching it.

Over at Sawyer’s house, Kate wakes him with some light “let’s have morning sex” kisses. When he responds in kind, she pulls away. When he presses to finish what they started last night, she pushes him off her. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. These two obviously need bear crap and fish biscuits to get in the mood.

Sawyer figures she’s worried that she might be pregnant, but she assures him that’s not the problem. He is naturally relieved.

“Would it have been the worst thing in the world?”

“Yes! Yes it would have been the worst thing!” You know, diapers, midnight feedings, having a baby on a deserted tropical island with no hospital in sight, not to mention death by pregnancy….

Sometimes you’re a total idiot.

Kate takes the opportunity to leave. Sawyer figures that within a week she’ll find a reason to get pissed with Jack and end up right back in Sawyer’s comfy bed. She slaps him in response. Obviously, he hit a little too close to the mark.

In the courtroom the idiot D.A., who has built her whole case on one woman’s testimony, learns that her main witness (who she knew was in failing health) can’t make it to court for medical reasons. She begs for time to get her case together. She should beg for a better script writer.

The judge grants a short recess and the D.A. has no choice but to offer Kate a deal. What? In what universe would a judge not grant the D.A. a week or more to give a star witness time for medical treatment? This is the worst written trial since O.J. and Judge Ito!

In the final deal, Kate gets time served plus ten years probation and can’t leave the State at all during that time.

Kate’s idiot lawyer actually starts to argue the travel restriction, but Kate interrupts and takes the deal.

“Give me something to sign and I’ll sign it. Then I walk out the back door. I just…I just want this to be over.” What is it with Kate and the back door?

“I can do that. Ten years probation and you stay put.”

Worst District Attorney in the universe.

In the parking garage, Jack finds Kate as she’s leaving. She thanks him for his testimony.

“You know Jack, I’ve heard you say that story so many times, I’m starting to think you believe it.”

He tells her that what he said in there he didn’t mean. Oooh, big surprise, he’s still in love with her. She tries to get him to come by to visit, inferring a visit with her and her son. He tries to get her to go for coffee with him instead.

“I know why you don’t want to see the baby, Jack. But until you do, until you want to, there’s no ‘you and me going for coffee’. But, um, if at any time you change your mind, come and see us.”

I think we’re supposed to infer that Sawyer is the father in this scene. I suppose that might be possible. There’s always the chance that the next scene, the one with the “big” reveal of baby Aaron isn’t what it seems. Perhaps Kate did have her own baby and named it after Aaron who never made it off the island.

Anything is possible.

Either way, this baby has static cling.