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This week on Lost, Jack and Claire do some family bonding, Sawyer takes charge, Sayid tries to whack Desmond, Sun and Jin finally reunite, and more crap explodes.
“What the hell are you?”
“I’m the Boogie Man, Jack. The FÃ¼hrer of Fury, The Tyrant of Terror, His Royal Highness of Horror. I’m the thing that goes bump in the night, Jack. And I want you to join my Army of Champions.”
Jack: So you took on the form of John Locke? Why him? Was it the bald thing, or are you just a fan of moobs?
Mocke: John Locke was sucker enough to think he had a Special Destiny and that he was some kind of ~*Chosen One*~. Not that I know anyone else with such delusions of grandeur.
Jack: I have no idea who you could be referring to.
“Riiight. Look, I needed a corpse to possess, and Locke was the first dead guy I came across. The moobs were just a bonus.”
“The third day I was here I chased my dead father through the jungle. It was super creepy and Jears-filled. Was that you too?”
Mocke: Jack, I WAS YOUR FAAATHER. Sure, I could have thought of much less creepy ways to lead you to water, but hey – I’ve been here a long ass time and I need to get my kicks somehow.
Jack: Dick. So what do you want with us now?
Mocke: I’m blowing this pop stand once and for all, and to do that I need all you knuckleheads to come with me.
Meanwhile, on Rescue 911…
Locke’s just been turned into roadkill via Desmond “Vehicular Homicide” Hume, and he’s being rushed to the hospital! Even though he’s on the verge of passing out he’s telling the medics to call Helen, and he’s all like, “Now I’ll never dance at my wedding” or something!
Paramedic: What is this man’s name?
Ben: Uhhh…Mr. Locke. I don’t know his first name. I took advice from him that nearly ended my career the day after I met him, but I never quite caught his name.
Paramedic: Well that’s kind of weird.
Ben: I know, right?
So anyway they get to the hospital and Locke is being wheeled in next to Sun, who was just shot right in the baby by Patchy! And I guess since she’s having a near death experience, she recognizes Locke!
But I guess since Sun was never in love with Locke, she’s totally scared of him!! How does that even work!?
“Clairebear, what did I tell you about lurking sinisterly in the bushes like that?”
“Sorry Big Daddy, it’s just that I’m filled with slightly less hate and paranoia since you’re standing next to my brothah from anothah mothah.”
“Claaaire! It’s so good to see you! My very own ax-wielding bastard half-sister. What more could a man want?”
“Well, I was hoping you’d want to join Team Mocke. Because you’re coming with us now. Whether you like it or not. I guess no one really mentioned this, but once he talks to you, there is no escaping the vice-like grip he has on your mind.”
“Ummm no! No one mentioned that tiny little detail! Awesome! Oh and by the way? I know we’re in a jungle being lead around by a monster, and we’re both emotionally broken, and I’m pretty sure you have lice, but this is still the most functional family get-together I’ve ever had. So kudos, sister.”
Sawyer: So just act like you’re going along with Mocke for now, and I’ll put my cunning escape plan into action.
Hurley: Okay, and Sayid’s invited too, right? Despite his depression? I heard he started taking Zombutrin for it…
Sawyer: No way, Sayid’s gone to the Dark Side.
“But some people can come back from the Dark Side. I mean, look at Anakin.”
Sawyer: Who the hell is Anakin?
Hurley: You should know who Anakin is, you’re chock full of Star Wars references.
Sawyer: Lookit Hugo, I’m the Han Solo in this scenario, am I not?
Sawyer: And Han Solo wasn’t in the prequels.
Sawyer: So Han Solo wouldn’t know him as Anakin, he would know him as Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith.
Hurley: LOL what a nerd!!!
Sawyer: Laugh it up, fuzzball!
And speaking of fuzzballs, at that moment Claire comes up to Hurley to say hi! And he’s like, “Wow Claire…you…look……*throws up in mouth a little*……..great!”
And Locke comes back with Jack, and he looks at everyone there together, and he’s like…
♪♪ Together again, gee it’s good to be together again!
I just can’t imagine that you’ve ever been gone,
It’s not starting over, it’s just going on! ♪♪
Lost Writers: Do you all know what time it is, kids?
Audience: SKATE O’CLOCK!!!!
“Arson, assaulting a federal officer, first degree murder…and off the record, it’s got to be illegal to be that hot.”
“I’m not a murderer. And I definitely smell a pork product of some type.”
Sawyer: I get it – bacon, pig, oink-oink, police officer. I said that to cops when I was your age. Hey if I’m such a pig, then how come I let you go last week when we were on that elevator? Funny we just keep bumping into each other like this.
Skaters: Skate = Fate!!!
Sawyer: I think someone’s trying to put us together.
Skaters: I guess all that praying worked?? ‘d;lk’;alsdkf;lasd
“I think you let me go because you went to Australia to kill the man who caused your parents’ deaths, but you didn’t want anyone to know. See, apart from being an arsonist, fugitive, boar tracker, and surrogate mother, I’m also a psychic.”
Sawyer: Oh I like you.
Skaters: Oh we like this scene.
Everyone Else: Oh we hate this scene.
But before any visits to some polar bear cages could be arranged, Det. Miles “Cockblock” Straum shows up to let Sawyer know that they’ve got bigger fish to fry – a certain Jheri-curled Iraqi fish, to be exact.
Kate: Sayid’s…different now.
Jack: That what happens when you die and are brought back to life by the Valedictorian of Villainy or whatever the hell he calls himself.
Then the island’s version of Kimmy Gibbler shows up uninvited again, and she’s saying that they all stole something that belonged to Team Widmore and they want it back or else!
Mocke: Or else what, exactly?
Zoe: Or else BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!!!!!!
So Zoe gives him a walkie-talkie and tells him to give her a jingle when they’re ready to hand over the hot Scottish package…
…to which Mocke basically replies, “I fart in your general direction” and he smashes the walkie to bits and goes, “Well, here we go!”
Which to me is like the writers going, “Here marks the beginning of the end! Please buckle your safety belts and make sure your hands and arms stay inside the vehicle at all times! Enjoy the ride!”
Back in the Sideways World, Desmond has blasted past Cupid status and is now hovering somewhere around restraining order territory when he “runs into” Claire just as she’s about to meet with an adoption agency! He’s pretty creepy. And he’s talking way faster than usual.
Desmond: I know this sounds a bit forward, but all these strangers have been telling me their deepest secrets lately so I thought maybe you could tell me why you’re going to an adoption agency without any sort of legal representation which I could provide for you considering we’ve met once for 10 seconds?
Claire: Uh…no thanks.
Desmond: Just come with me for 5 minutes and everything will be right as rain! You really don’t want to just give your baby away, I mean didn’t some psychic tell you that you were the one who had to raise him? Or wait – am I talking about the other timeline? Jesus I can’t keep this stuff straight anymore!
Audience: Now you know how we feel!
Anyway in the end Desmond manages to convince Claire to come see this lawyer friend of his, which just happens to be Ilana, who just happens to have been searching for Claire so she could listen to Christian Shephard’s will, which she just happens to be reading to Jack and his son in like 5 minutes!
I mean seriously, Lost. Come on now. This is starting to get entirely too silly.
Mocke: Good morning. In less than an hour, you will be launching one of the most important battles in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. Especially since I am neither a man, nor kind. Anyway, we will be united in our common interests. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, it will be known as the day the island declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!
Team Mocke: SO SAY WE ALL! SO SAY WE ALL!
Mocke: Find my boat and bring it around to meet me at the beach. Can you handle that?
Sawyer: You got nothing to worry about, I’m a professional.
Mocke: A professional what?
But of course Sawyer’s got his own cunning escape plan, and it has nothing to do with helping Smokey. So he tells Jack to break away from the group and bring Sun, Hurley, and Lapidus so they can steal the boat and cash in on the deal with Widmore.
“But what about Sayid and Claire? Surely you can’t just leave them here.”
“Sayid’s about 4 minutes away from chowing down on some brains, and not only does Claire have a skull baby, she tried to stab Kate. Their rescue mission invites got lost in the mail. And please, don’t call me Shirley.”
Mocke reminds Iraqi Eeyore that if he wants to be with his zombie bride Nadia, he has to do what he says. He tells him to go find Desmond and kill him!!!
Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish for Nadia to come back to life.
Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish that when she comes back to life she’s all new and fresh and not like all decomposed and stuff.
Desmond: HEY YOO! KNOCK IT OFF!
Sayid: *tosses penny down well* I wish that she doesn’t mind that I’ve killed like a million people since she’s been dead.
Desmond: SAYID, BROTHAH, IF YOU’RE GONNA KEEP THROWING PENNIES DOWN THIS WELL WOULD YOU MIND THROWING DOWN THE ONE I’M MARRIED TO? *rimshot*
That’s when Sayid realizes Desmond’s actually sitting in a bloody heap at the bottom of the well, and he aims his gun right at him. Apparently Iraqi Eeyore doesn’t remember all the good times he and Desmond had together on the freighter Poor Desmond!!
Sayid: I’m sorry, but I keel you now.
Desmond: When that monster brings your wife back to life, do you really think she’s going to be down with the whole zombie thing?
Sayid: Excuse me?
Desmond: I mean you killed a guy to set her free in Iraq a million years ago, and she didn’t mind that. But the fact that you’ve been on a nonstop killing spree for like 2 years might bother her, amiright?
Desmond: Beware the Dark Side. Anger, fear, aggression. The Dark Side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will!
Sayid: OW! My conscience!!
Desmond: Are you alright Sayid? You look like you might actually be feeling something…
In the Sideways World, Sayid shows up at Nadia’s house just long enough to tell her that he’s leaving right now, he can never come back again, and that he obviously totally sucks at keeping his temper in check.
Nadia: You left your torcha scrunchie here, I thought that meant you wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Sayid: I didn’t torcha anyone.
Nadia: Oh thank god!
Sayid: I simply murdered four men.
Nadia: You WHAT!?
Sayid: Later, hater. *runs away*
Then Miles shows up at the front door, he sees a half-packed suitcase sitting on the coffee table and he catches a whiff of Soul Glow in the air! Sayid might have escaped, but he can’t have gotten far!
It was already too late! Thanks to reverting to a Home Alone-style bad guy trap involving a hose, Sayid was caught by the fuzz before he even got out of Nadia’s backyard!
It was merely poetic justice that the man who killed by the household appliance should
die get caught by the household appliance!
So Sawyer and Kate finally make it to this boat, and Sawyer’s all, “Thar she blows” and “You ready to get wet?” and those of us with gutter minds are having a good chuckle when Sawyer’s like “BTW we’re not meeting up with Mocke, we’re gonna go steal Widmore’s sub instead.”
And Kate’s all, “Not without my Claire!” and we/Sawyer can’t quite believe she still wants anything to do with that crazy bitch!
“TUNA! Are you KIDDING ME!? You’re seriously going to bring that knife-wielding maniac near a toddler?? You think Claire’s just going to get a shower and a change of clothes and magically join the PTA? I don’t think so.”
Jack asks Claire how long she’s “been with” Mocke, and she tells him it’s been since everyone else left because he’s the only one who never abandoned her. (Which is total BS considering when the Losties left the island they looked for her everywhere. It’s not their fault she was getting baked in that cabin with Christian, sheesh.)
Jack: Sorry we abandoned you, Claire.
Claire: That means a lot.
Jack: It won’t happen again.
Claire: Thanks, bro.
Jack: Hey Sun, Hurley, LaPenis and NOT CLAIRE, come on, we’re running away right now!
*Psycho theme playing*
“Where the hell have you been? I send you out on a simple kill-one-of-your-friends-in-cold-blood mission and you can’t hack it?”
Sayid: I did it, you jerk. Despite the fact that I haven’t shown any emotions since the beginning of the season, killing Desmond got me a little verklempt. Tawk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. An Apple Jack is neither an apple nor a Jack. Discuss.
Sayid: Okay, I’m better.
But we all know he didn’t really kill Desmond, so let’s not get ourselves into a tizzy over that right now.
So Jack rolls up to the boat with his posse and everything seems like it actually went according to plan, and we’re like “There has to be a catch, this is Lost after all…”
And that’s when Crazy Town shows up ala Rousseau with a rifle and a surly disposition!
And then Claire and Kate have a Mother-Effing Face-Off!!
“Claire, you should come with us so you can terrorize your young, impressionable son.”
“Why aren’t you waiting for Sir Smokes-a-lot?”
“That doesn’t matter! Come with us! You’re the only reason I came back to this island! I never should have raised Aaron! Sure I was there when he was born, and you abandoned him in the jungle to go off and live like a sewer rat, but you should be his mom now, not me.”
“Oh, alright. But if Mocke finds out you’re leaving, he’s gonna be angry. And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.”
David’s Mystery Mom: When will you have him back home?
Jack: Seven-ish, I think.
Audience: Plz to be telling us who that woman is. SOON.
Jack and David are going to hear Christian’s will being read, and David said he’s sad for Jack, and we’re like, “Kid trust us, he’s sad enough on his own, he doesn’t need help.”
Although it is nice to see that David might not grow up with a mountain of daddy issues like everyone else on this show, right?
Anyway, Jack and David go up to Ilana’s office, and they meet the very pregnant Claire, who’s like, “Hi nice to meet you, by the way I’m your sister lol.”
As soon as Jack hears this he starts doing the patented Shephard Head Squeeze, and my Jears-sense started tingling, but the flood gates came crashing down prematurely when he got a call from the hospital! After all, someone had to save Locke’s sad, pathetic little life!
Just when they were about halfway to Hydra Island, Jack oh so subtly lets Sawyer know that he thinks maybe they shouldn’t leave!!!
“It doesn’t feel right leaving this time. Maybe Mocke wants us to leave so badly because he’s afraid of what will happen if we stay.”
Sawyer: Get. Off. My. Damn. Boat.
Jack: LOL WHAT!?
Audience: YEAH, LOL WHAT!???
Sawyer: *brow furrowing at maximum levels*
“I mean…not to sound like Wheezy Hawking and Chuck Widmore, but I don’t think this island is done with us yet!”
Sawyer: I don’t care, I’m done with this island!
Jack: I never thought I’d say this, but this Man of Science has officially become the Man of Faith!! Praise Jeebus!
Sawyer: STFU and GTFO. NOW.
And Jack turns to Sawyer and he’s like, “Sorry I got Juliet killed, dude. My bad.” and then he jumps out of the boat screaming “GERONIMOOOOOO (Jackson)!!!!!!!!”
And Kate “I’m-Going-Back-to-Save-Him” Austen was all, “I’m going back to save him,” to which Sawyer replied, “NUH-UH” and told Kate it was high time for her to find another nickname.
And then for once Lost decided to go for the Super Happy Ending!! Not only is Sun okay after being shot, but the pea in her pod is fine too! And Jin’s like, “It’s over and we’re all going to be okay.”
(I couldn’t help but think if maybe that statement alone symbolizes this entire Sideways World, right??)
After Jack scrubs in for surgery and looks at the X-rays of this poor guy who was already paralyzed and then got run over by a hot Scotsman, he peeks down at the patient, and even though he can only see half of his face he’s like, “OMG I know this guy!!! That is TV and film’s Terry O’Quinn! Oooh how exciting!”
So Jack gets back to the island and is met by Smokey and Gang and Mocke’s like…
Mocke: Sawyer took my boat, didn’t he?
Audience: No shit he took your boat you retard, he’s James fucking Ford, he doesn’t take no shit from no one!
Jack: Yes, he took your boat.
Everyone else gets to the shore of Hydra Island in varying degrees of sexiness, and they’re ready to play Let’s Make a Deal with Widmore.
But then this stupid bitch shows up and ruins everything AGAIN like she seems to ALWAYS DO. UGH! DIE ALREADY, POOR MAN’S TINA FEY! WE ALL HATE YOU. GO BACK TO SELLING STRIPPER POLES ON YOUR GODDAMN WEBSITE AND GET OFF OUR TVS!!!
But I digress…
And then somehow the Lost writers managed to trick us into not expecting this from a million miles away, but all of the sudden the Sun-bot was just like O_O
AND JIN WAS ALL O_O
AND AFTER 3 YEARS, 2 SEASONS, AND A MILLION ANNOYING SUBPLOTS, SUN AND JIN WERE FINALLY REUNITED!!!!
‘SDFKLAL;’SDFKL;’ADSKF’;LAKSDF’;LKSD;L CUTEST THING EVER!!!!!!!
But before they even had a chance to un-hug, Zoe and her team of scientist thugs drop the bomb that Sawyer’s deal with Widmore is off, and Sawyer’s all WTF!? And Zoe is on the walkie and she’s like, “Okay we got ‘em, fire when ready,” and then they drop the REAL bombs on the other island!!!
AND THEN THIS HAPPENED!!!!!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!
LOST SEASON 6: IT’S DY-NO-MITE!!!
And Mocke, who is unsurprisingly not hurt at all, picks Jack up off the beach and carries him inland to make sure his pretty new pet isn’t hurt or anything!
And he’s like, “It’s going to be okay – you’re with me know” and we’re like “WAIT WHAT?? I THOUGHT JACK WAS WORKING AGAINST HIM, RIGHT??”
But at that moment a disoriented Jack can’t think of much of anything except how shiny Mocke’s head looks in the sunshine.
Finally, he looks up at Mocke and goes, “It’s tired in here!” and passes out immediately.