Love Games: Is Anyone Watching?

Most boring season finale ever. Unbelievable, “Love Games.” Where’s the trash?

Love Games, Shmove Shmames

Where was the nudity? Where was the drunk? Where was the violence? Where was the nude, drunken violence? You are a spin-off of a show that features girls who are proud of behavioral issues and borderline alcoholism, and illustrate said pride in obnoxious, epically stupid and sometimes violent ways. Shit, it’s why I started watching. But you, “Love Games”? YOU have proven yourself to be a stagey, shallow and worst of all boring dating show. After all the fucking lead up, man-challenges, and dick measuring, two couples get made in this episode NOT because Matt hit himself too hard in the head and Tim got kicked out for finally punching Nick in the face, but through careful consideration and one-on-one time.

If I wanted to watch that, I’d turn off the fucking television and start talking to people.

Everyone returns from elimination one bimbo/mimbo combination lighter, and Matt shouts, “Four, Baby! Yeah!” in a way that surprises me not at all. (Too loud, too excited). Sarah coos that there IS champagne, as though the presence of liquor in the house wasn’t absolutely necessary to incite anything interesting on this show, and a bottle is popped. Kendra says it’s kind of weird not having Amber in the house, but she doesn’t really give a fuck because it’s time to focus really, really hard on which kind of douchebag she’d like to have a pretend relationship with a cheating douchebag or a douchebag douchebag? Sarah interviews that she’s basically hung out with Nick and Tim the entire time on the show, so making a decision that hurts someone is going to be really tough. Whatever, she wants love not just money, she’s gonna pick Nick. Do I really have to sit through another 40 minutes of this bullshit hemming and hawing?

Oh yeah, this decision-making process is wearing on Sarah.

Host walks in and asks if everyone is having fun (all the while repeating his silent mantra, All publicity is good publicity. “Money is money. This is lots of money. I don’t hate myself.) and informs the group that there will be no challenge this week, just extra… long… individual… dates. Fuck you, Host. Stim and Mandra are up first.

Tim jogs in place and throws a few air punches (in his mind) as he says that there is only one person standing between him and Sarah starting their lives together. Nick feels the same way and is really lucky he and Sarah both smoke as they both exit the tiny party for some alone time under the guise of feeding addiction. Nick does the manliest thing he’s done on the show since I started watching and straight up asks Sarah what she sees in Tim. She answers that the dude’s a gentleman, he’s smart, and he’s got a lot of the same things going for him that Nick has. Except Tim’s good qualities come gift-wrapped with hundred dollar bills. Duh.

Nick of course stops being manly as soon as he has the opportunity to be girly and immediately starts bashing Tim, telling Sarah that she needs more of a take charge personality, someone who’ll give her a slap “in the right direction†once in a while, and not let her run the show 24/7. I think Nick would have a lot more luck with girls if his idea of the perfect relationship didn’t echo spousal abuse quite so much. Tim walks up at that precise moment, and Nick appropriately shuts up. Sarah, for reasons unknown greets Tim as “Sparkles,” and even he doesn’t want to sleep with her enough not to be all, “Sparkles?”

I think Nick’s random, weirdo nickname should be… Whinypants McClosetcase.

Sarah points out that no matter how much Nick trashtalks Tim, it’s not going to change the way she feels about the boy from St. Louis. Unless, of course, Nick gains some rock hard evidence that Tim doesn’t have all this money he’s talked about since day one. Bet Sarah’s feelings’d be changing all over the place, then.

Kendra likes the fact that her men are civilized gentlemen when fighting for her affections (because when Matt’s not fighting for her affections, he walks around in bubble bath suits and exposes himself), explaining that she likes them both for different reasons and they’re willing to ride out her decision making without killing each other. Ugh, BORING.

Everyone heads to bed, and the next morning with its dates for Tim and Matt arrives. They don’t know what to expect, but go batshit insane (mostly Matt) when they see the girls standing next to two Ferraris. I kinda don’t blame them. Two marginally attractive ladies standing next to sweet cars? Grill a few steaks on the hood and it’s a hetero male amusement park.

My amusement park would be… Indian food, a nap and someone to cuddle with.

The girls announce that the date will be Kendra and Sarah driving the cars around Beverly Hills with the boys in the passenger seat. Matt’s so excited he probably tried to bite off his own face, but if I were a dude, that date would have gone from rock to suck in .2 seconds flat. First it was hot girls and Ferraris (fast cars), then it became bossy girls in tiny cars that can’t go above 35 because they’re in BEVERLY HILLS. The boys both seem to genuinely enjoy the “joyriding,” and I’m impressed with their ability to find a silver lining. Both couples head to restaurants to talk because for some reason the producers are still committed to making us think anything about this show is believable.

Because he’s been told to, Matt asks fifty million questions about Kendra’s family, and Kendra, stupidly is impressed by this. I’m not saying Matt’s a bad guy, but he has the emotional age of a fetus in the breach position and Kendra is fooling herself if she thinks once the shiny cameras have been put away that she’ll be enough to distract Matt from so much as a blinking “Don’t Walk” sign. But I digress…

Sarah and Tim also go on a date with the express purpose of Sarah asking Tim “really personal questions.” She says she wants to find out more about all the stuff he “said he could do” since he got to the house. Just show her your bank statement SAVE ME FROM THIS SHIT, TIM. Ugh, he obviously does not comply, and he and Sarah mumble together about how he learned to landscape through “winging it.” Jesus, that is both boring AND unbelievable. Landscaping is pretty hard shit to wing without the right equipment. If you have no money and no know-how, you can pretend to know how to properly remove a tree stump all you like, but it’s not going to get you a repeat customer. Sarah’s probably never had to mow a lawn in her life, and so totally buys Tim’s line, just as Kendra ate up Matt’ faux family interest.

The stupidity repels. That’s why the restaurants they eat at are usually empty.

Back at the house Nick and Justin strategize like it makes a difference how they behave in the outcome of the show, and Nick talks more shit about Tim. Just go make out already. To Nick’s credit, however, he does stumble on a pretty good metaphor for Matt in a chainsaw – loud, goes off randomly and suddenly, and destroys everything in its path.

After one last pledge of love to Kendra, Matt’s date is over, and ruins it totally when he shouts “You go, Girl!” to Kendra as they toast. There is no less hetero saying that can come from a straight man’s mouth, Matt. Have fun leaving alone. Sarah pushes Tim to tell her why he’s the manboy for her, and he basically says that he’s a grown-up and Nick’s not. She listens for roughly two seconds and then resumes eating, her momentary need for attention having been satisfied.

Back at the STD shack, Matt and Tim both set up lame “after date” makeout rooms for their ladies. Tim goes to all the trouble of placing paper fans on an already made bed, and Matt puts some Wheat Thins and sliced cheese on a plate on a bearskin rug. Is there just a really low budget for this show? Is that why everything sucks?

Whatever, there’s making out between Sarah and Tim that I’m uncomfortable watching, and Kendra and Matt actually make me smile for a second as they chat amicably. But that doesn’t last for long as Matt starts massaging Kendra, she starts talking about how horny she is and tells him he can go under her shirt. Thank GOD it’s time for a commercial.

It’s even lit like softcore porn! I’m guessing!

Justin and Nick are gnashing their teeth and pulling their hair in frustration as they wait for their girls to stop using the other penises for the night. Ugh, then it’s Tim’s turn to fail miserably at bedroom talk as he whispers that he doesn’t want this to be the last time he “kisses on” Sarah. Sorry, I just hate that phrase.” Sarah just likes that she’s getting sex for free, so is complimentary of Tim in the exit interview. And Kendra and Matt had a good time. Oh, the competition, it is heating up.

Now it’s time for Nick and Justin’s dates, and they are prefaced with each girl stating that every bad girl loves doing things that get her dirty and mess up her hair. The hell they do. I have been to the saddle ranch, and bitches with PUNCH you if you accidentally, like, sniff their hair. Something tells me that Matt and Tim lucked out with the Ferrari driving.

My thoughts are confirmed as Sarah confronts Nick in the limo on the way there about his partying ways. She explains that every time she’s been cheated on it’s been by someone who’s been partying and has made a bad decision. Or they just weren’t that into you. Nick assures her that she doesn’t have to worry. Even though he’s basically gotten drunk and bitched his way through this entire show. Not that I blame him. Dealing with Sarah sober is a job for a sponsor.

Turns out the couples are headed for a ride in a byplane, which is admittedly way cooler than taking a Ferrari around city streets. Justin’s a little nervous, and I don’t really know how Nick feels because Sarah’s hideous fucking leopard coat is distracting me so much I can’t even hear anything.

That was retro edgy in the late nineties, you idiot. Put the genie suit back on.

I think both Sarah and Nick are excited, but Sarah’s nervous, too, and Nick plants this lame kiss on her cheek and says, “I’ve got you.” I guess this is some sort of meaningful on Sarah’s part because the camera gets all slow for a few milliseconds. What would we do without reality TV editors?

There’s a lot of screaming and kissing during the plane rides, and thankfully we’re only treated to about five seconds of that before cutting to Matt and Tim playing pool back at the house. Upon further consideration, I could have eliminated the word “thankfully” from the previous sentence. Tim’s once again bitching about the unworthiness of Nick, and Matt tolerates it mumbling something about how he and Justin manage to keep their shit together, but he’s worried about who Kendra will pick.

Back to the byplanes, Kendra’s having a great time, it’s the greatest experience of Justin’s (obviously boring or tragic) life, and Nick and Sarah are having a blast.

It kind of looks like it’s gonna crash. Another missed opportunity for drama.

The planes land safely (pfft), and Sarah and Nick sit on the roof of a car to chit-chat. Nick says that he loves everything about her, even the time they fought and she slapped the living shit out of him. Oh, Nick. Run away. She will whip the living crap out of you until you’re a long distance house husband calling to offer support while she’s on “Celebrity Rehab.” Pass the bag of crazy to Tim, and count your blessings.

Over a hot dog picnic, Sarah tells Nick that she’s concerned about whether or not she can trust him. Not sure why, considering he’s been so far up her ass these past few episodes he apply her lipstick from the inside out. Both sit in nervousness about the upcoming elimination as we cut to commercial.

We’re back and it’s onto Kendra and Justin, who get to go to an actual restaurant, not on the hood of a vehicle. Justin tells Kendra that he doesn’t have a problem with Matt, but he doesn’t think that a relationship between her and a hockey player who’s too comfortable being naked in front of strangers will last. That’s pretty much, it, and we return to Sarah and Nick, who are not only sitting on the roof of a car, but sitting on the roof of a car at an airport with planes flying overhead. I think the producers have made their choice, and their choice is Tim. If Nick makes a declaration of anything, Sarah won’t be able to hear it unless she goes through the dailies.

Sarah wonders what would happen if she picked neither boy, or if she asked Nick to share her with Tim. Neither of these are workable situations for Nick, nor will they, in any universe happen. Sarah likes two things, control and attention. Picking one guy and crushing another is the only way she can satisfy both urges.

Oooh, I just don’t know!

Nick makes a really gay Freudian slip lending credence to my theory that his real problem with Tim is that they’ll never be together (he says he’d never share another guy with her and she awkwardly corrects him), then starts talking about the “beyond dating” connection that exists between them. I have a hard time believing that such connections exist when one party is actively making out with a third party. I know it’s a dating show, but that’s just how I roll.

The dates end and Sarah returns home to find flowers from Tim. The card says that even if she doesn’t pick him, he’ll still be there for her as a friend. Bullshit. Tim’s gonna gun it back to St. Louis and drunkenly curse slutty brunettes until he feels better.

Justin and Nick regale Tim and Matt with their stories of what Justin calls their ride in a “private jet.” Ha. Tim is confounded at this story because he thought Nick was afraid of heights, and he and Matt agree that the quiet ride in Ferraris followed by intimate dinners was way better than what Justin and Nick got. Jealous! I think really the perfect dates for all of these dudes would have been riding in a Ferrari that happened to be tied to the wing of a jet. Girls optional.

Time for the After Date, and Justin does blow Matt (and Tim) out of the water with champagne, roses and a hot tub. Well, Matt and Tim didn’t set the bar very high. Careful Kendra! Sperm swim in Jacuzzis! Nick uses his powerful mental prowess to determine that Sarah likes animal prints, and lays down a leopard rug in front of the fireplace. Sarah is duly impressed and kisses Nick all over the place when he calls her the most “ridiculous” girl. The chocolate body frosting that follows his words of love serves to show Sarah his “romantic” and “sensual” side.

Chocolate hickeys are forever.

Ew, more makeouts between both couples, and it’s like the show was designed to gross me out, because now BOTH couples are using food (Justin’s coup de grace was the addition of strawberries). For the record, I’m not seven years old and squicked out by people kissing, but the fact that neither of these couples are real or have done anything to convince me that this show is nothing but a publicity stunt for the next season of “The Bad Girls Club,” makes the porny sections of this show really, really uncomfortable.

It’s like watching a bunch of truckstop hookers try to perform Romeo and Juliet.

Kendra’s just agog at Justin’s powers of seduction which include (according to her) giving her chocolate and writing her a letter. Which she reads aloud with him watching, kind of destroying the romance. Justin promises that he’s being sincere, no smiles, no laughter. Then it’s back to Sarah and Nick, as Nick whispers that he will never kiss another girl the way he kisses her, and I puke a little in my mouth. She asks him why she should pick him over Tim, and Nick blahs something about putting himself out there more than he ever has in his life, and giving her his heart and soul. He carefully glosses over the fact that that’s basically all he has to give her since he has no job or money. But that should be fine. I’m sure Sarah will find his creative tuna sandwich picnics and quaint McDonald’s dates just the breath of fresh air she needs.

Morning dawns, and it’s time for elimination! Finally! Both the girls flashback to the weeks (weeks!) they’ve had with their men, and try to make decisions. Kendra’s up first and she’s nervous because she feels like she’s dating two guys, or has two boyfriends and needs to break up with one of them. You are Kendra, but you’re not so much dating, as hooking up with, and they’re not so much your boyfriends, but dudes who were willing to make out with you to get on television. But she is wearing this awesome sparkly dress that makes her look like a little bit of a superhero, so that’s cool.

Kendra likes Matt, but she feels lost sometimes because all Matt does is talk about himself, but she needs someone who can calm her down. She wonders if he can be her protector. Matt’s a hockey player, so this shit is right up his alley, and he promises that he will fulfill her needs. Justin is someone she’s used to, has awesome style and looks good on her arm. Seriously, that’s it. That’s all she says. Then Kendra says something totally off base to the effect of Justin looking at her with judgmental eyes and not accepting her for who she is. He lies through his teeth telling her he totally gets what she’s saying and promises to not judge her. Where the hell did that come from?

Whatever it is, that kind of promise must have been important to Kendra, because she wipes away a fake tear as we cut to Sarah’s turn.

Sarah looks like her usual combination of fashion victim and time travel enthusiast.

I think it’s trying to be Madonna?

She’s really attracted to Tim, but she doesn’t trust him worth a damn because he wouldn’t show her his bank statements (she says she thinks he’ll break her heart, but I’m sure we all know she’s thinking about his wallet). He promises that he is trustworthy and will not break her heart. Whatever.

Sarah has a good physical connection with Nick, but she claims he’s not much of a grown-up (he doesn’t have a job), and she wants to know if he’s serious about her. I wish I could say that Nick chose this moment to yell “PSYCH! No way in hell, bitch! You been PUNKED!” and then ran out with Host to do some more underground comedy, but I can’t. He’s serious about her and can tell her anything. Great.

Aaaaand Sarah picks… COMMERCIAL! Duh. Then a clip of the boys seeing who can pitch faster. Why? When the show finally resumes, Kendra takes a page from Tyra’s book and takes fucking twenty minutes to say, “The one… for me… is… Matt.” Yay!! That actually makes me happy. I like interesting couples, and Kendra’s gonna make a splash at the hockey rink. Justin doesn’t know what the fuck hit him, but the show stops caring about him pretty quickly and cuts to Kendra and Matt walking around triumphant.

Now who will Sarah pick? Someone around whom she can be herself and will do anything to make her happy. Like Sarah would be anything but her horribly dressed, bitch slappin’ self around ANYONE. Anyway, the one… for her… is… Nick! Sarah giggles excitedly and then she and Nick full on make out in front of Tim who stands there straightening his tie. Which he continues to do as the new couple walks off without a backward glance. Okay, that was kind of awesome.

The toasted ravioli stands alone.

Tim bitches a little about the whole thing, and then drops it down to the fact that Sarah always told him that blond hair and blue eyes has never been her thing, so that must be why she picked Nick. He could actually be onto something given the amount of crap this show is full of.

The girls meet Host outside with their men, and Host reveals that there shall be yet another twist. I hope Amber pops out of the limo and reveals that both men have gonorrhea. Not so. Apparently the show is looking for one, not two winning couples, so Amber (who IS in the limo) pops out to be the tiebreaker and who has the deepest connection. Amber is so ready to fuck some shit up. I love it.

There’s havoc in that smile.

Amber builds a modicum of suspense before we cut to commercial. What do they even win on this show? A trip or something? Hope it’s Sarah and Nick, because he can’t afford to take her anywhere. Of course it’s Sarah and Nick and they DO win a trip – hope they like each other by the end of it. Remember that show that put blind dates on a cruise together and then filmed as the couple hated their way through three days of activities? That would be such an awesome spin-off for this show.

Matt says he doesn’t need a free trip to enjoy his winnings (because he’s a professional hockey player and can afford his own vacations?), and Kendra smiles sweetly. Our winning couples limos off into the night, making out and talking about how horny they are.

Can’t think of a better send off for this show.

Adi-fucking-os.