Love Games Recap: Boys And Battle Raps

It’s week two of Love Games and Kori is wasting no time in trying to get Psycho on her side. She wants them to team up and send Sydney’s boys home first. Psycho plays along but then tells us she isn’t stupid, crazy yes, but she knows if Kori will make a deal with her, she’ll make one against her.

Just smile and nod Psycho.

Kori explains that Psycho could never be any type of competition for her but she can use her to get where she needs to be.  Ok, never underestimate a guys attraction to crazy. How the hell do you think I’ve managed to marry twice?

Downstairs, Sydney is telling us she knows she has a good portion of the guys but that she and John have something special. She even asks him if he’s “feeling” anyone else to which he replies no. About this time Pasquale walks in and he tells us that what John is doing to Sydney is “playing the game.” But guess what so is he. Then he asks Sydney if she wants some macaroni and she almost has an orgasm. He settles on mac & cheese. My hero.

His dick might be bigger but I can boil noodles and sprinkle an unknown powder into them and make mac & cheese.

John explains to us that Pasquale may be making lunch, but Sydney is eating out of his hands.

Kori meanwhile is holding court and telling all the guys about how hard her life has been. It seems she doesn’t remember anything about her childhood. And, it’s been so traumatic. If you can’t remember it why is it traumatic? Hell give me childhood amnesia, for that matter most of my 20′s too.

Then she tells the famous “rehab” story that she told on BGC, about being sent to rehab because she ran away. My parents encouraged me to run away. Hell for years all I got for Christmas was a backpack full of clothes and a bus ticket.

Anyway most of these dongs are buying what she’s selling. Joey is all, “Wow there is a lot more in this girl’s brain than might appear.”

Uh no dude, there is so NOT.

In the midst of Kori’s sob story Sydney comes bouncing in and actually beats Joey with some sort of stick thing and laughter ensues which causes Kori to leave. Kori is all mad because she was having a nice time and Sydney ruined it all because she is “one jealous bitch”!! No bitch, she’s playing the game and you tucked tail and ran. So suck it.

Here comes trouble!

It’s HBIC Challenge time!!!

Tanisha tells us a true HBIC always says what’s she’s thinking but has the “swagger” to back it up. To this Sydney pokes out her ass. The Challenge? A Rap Battle. They have to pick teams of guys to help them come up with a rap that disses the other girls. To help Tanisha with the judging is Too $hort.

Tanisha draws names out of a bag to see who gets to pick first and so on until all three girls have their groups. They are then sent off to practice.

First group up is Psycho’s. She starts off and seems to be doing well and then suddenly she fucks up a word. EVEN THOUGH SHE IS READING IT OFF A PAPER! This makes Kori mucho happy.

Settle down stroke face, it ain’t over yet.

For a second Psycho freezes and then she just starts free rapping and from the looks of  Too $hort, he’s pleased.

Calm down lest you shit your $horts!

A couple of the guys are impressed as is Psycho herself. She didn’t panic and run away.

Next up is Kori who says, “For all those who think a white girl from Scottsdale can’t rap, suck it!” Then she proceeds to suck. Even though Tanisha looked like she was sitting on a washing machine.

Oh never mind, she went to her happy place, Taco Bell.

Urkel is all impressed with Kori’s rap.

At the most she’ll give you a hand job so keep clapping.

Sydney is up next and she throws some punches at the other two but mainly talks about her own curves causing Mathew to lose focus and forget everything but her bubble butt.

Too $hort is sweating bullets but he tells Sydney that she had stage presence but it was a little too friendly. He tells Psycho that she was original and even though she had a fuck up moment her crew kept it together. He tells Kori she rapped better than all of them but the crew sucked and she should have “spit” those rhymes. He gives a hand to them all but the winner is…………..

Psycho fucks up and still manages to win!

Kori is disappointed but she knows that since she and Psycho have a deal all her guys are safe. Too $hort gets the hell outta dodge and it’s time for Psycho to pick a date for each of them. Later they each get to pick one other date.

For Sydney, Psycho picks Pasquale because he’s short and bug eyed. She describes his body as “an ice cream cone mixed with a troll.” For Kori she picks Edson because he has way too much personality for her. For herself she picks Robby because he’s a model.

His half shirt tells me he’s gay.

Back to the house for some drinking and partying! Michael tells us it’s time for him to let Psycho know he’s feeling her lips and eyebrows (wtf?) and he wants her to spit some cool raps his way. This is getting to be a theme but I’m pretty sure he’s gay too.

WTF does Ultimate Bro even mean?

Sydney decides she’s gonna show she’s all domesticated and shit and starts frying some chicken. Meanwhile John and Mathew are outside talking about who they like more.

Deep man discussion. Mostly involving scratching and farts.

Sydney yells that the food is ready in a fishwife sort of way that pisses both guys off. Two seconds later Sydney is losing her shit and telling them to fuck off and she gives their food to others. Ok it’s one thing if someone asks you to cook for them and you do and then they keep you waiting, but if you volunteer and then get pissed when you start slapping spoons at them and they don’t come running, that’s your problem.

Sydney starts yacking at John and he tells her she is disrespecting him and she says no he is disrespecting her and off she walks. John is left to stand there and he thinks the bitch is tripping.

Dude all bitches trip. You just need to learn how to get the hell out of the way.

One of the dudes whose name escapes me now, tells John that when a girl cooks YOU EAT and that he should go apologize. You can tell he doesn’t want to but he does it anyway. They(John and Sydney) hug and kiss and all is well. <snort>

Psycho is upstairs trying to lock down as many guys as possible. Urkel claims he likes both she and Sydney and she is all hell no but then agrees that since she’s still feeling out other dudes it’s only fair. Next she hits up Jordan and she is determined to make him Team Psycho.

Psycho has come to realize that these guys like sober Psycho more than they like drunk out of control “I want to eat you” Psycho. Next she sets her sights on John. She knows she can get him she says because she’s not gonna make him a plate a food, chase his ass down and then be mad when he doesn’t eat it.

As they are continuing this deep ass convo, Pasquale walks by and decides to listen in.

He decides that John is “playing the game” and even though Psycho warns John that people are listening…………

People.

They kiss anyway, giving Pasquale what he thinks is ammunition.

Ha! You only thought Sydney was pissed when you didn’t come running for her fried chicken!

As the night goes on, people are drinking and some odd things start happening.

What’s wrong with freeing Willy, with a dude? Perfectly normal when trying to find the right girl.

Joey tells us that Chris and Michael are playing “helicopter” and he evacuates that party because he is there for vagina not penis. Urkel takes up the story from there. Seems the helicopter twins thought he was asleep and they both went, free flopping, into the bathroom and locked the door. And yes you hear the click of the cock, I mean lock.

Urkel is freaking and exclaims “There is some undercover brothers in this house!!!”

“And I ain’t talking about blankets y’all!”

Word spreads through the house  faster than the Kardashian’s family tree. Sydney realizes it’s Chris and Michael in there naked.

I’m sure they were just checking each other for irregular moles.

Chris claims he was already in there taking a shit and “some dude” walks in. Someone asks who locked the door and he claims he didn’t do it. They call Michael in and he basically just giggles the whole time. Then Michael leaves Chris all red faced and scared looking.

Later we see Chris working out all manly like and inside Joey is talking about how they need to “quarantine” them or else it will spread and then there will be a huge cockfest going on. Everyone is laughing so I’m pretty sure he was making a joke but the editors love to make things look different.

On to the date portion. The living room has been transformed into a love palace! A teacher of the Kama Sutra is going to be there and teach a class to the girls and their dates. They each get to choose another date to join them with the dates Psycho has already chosen.

Sydney chooses Mathew. Kori chooses Nick H. And Psycho chooses Urkel. Kori is pretty sure she has Joey locked down but just in case she lets him cop a feel of her hot boob.

Joey says,”Let me get my thermometer just to be sure.”

Oh hell, Pasquale takes Sydney aside so that he can tell her all about John and Psycho kissing. Sydney hops up and runs right to Psycho and demands to know what happened. Psycho fesses up( and tells us she’s scared as hell of her and thinks of her as Chucky’s Bride lol) that yes they kissed but that John said he was “feeling” Sydney as well and then Psycho gets mad at blabbermouth who then makes his presence known and says he is going to ask Psycho one question and Psycho starts yelling at him to shut up and don’t talk to her. He gets in her face which brings out the pit bull in Sydney and she loses her shit and yells at Pasquale and tells him he will NOT talk to a woman like that and that “You should be talking to God right now you mother fucker!”

Ima embroider that shit on a pillow.

On to the Kama Sutra!

She gets paid for this crap?

Tanisha comes running in with Pasquale telling Sydney she forgot her date. Hahahahaha! I forgot he was her date too. Jaya tells the girls to pick a guy and then sit back to back and touch each others thighs and shit. It’s warm up to sex.

Then they have to switch partners and as you can imagine, Sydney is thrilled with Pasquale.

I’d rather have my teeth pulled by a leper with Parkinson’s.

What the hell ever happened to just fucking? Why do you have to stare at each other for hours and touch faces and read minds and recite poetry from dead dudes who never got laid? Just asking.

Oh hell now Jaya has decided they need to do some three way action. The girls pick which dude they want eye contact with and the other one will support her from behind. OMG this gets better and better. Of course Sydney turns to Mathew and Pasquale decides he ain’t having it and starts to confront her but Sydney ain’t having it. The instructor bitch is and asks him to be her partner. She announces they are going to explore erogenous zones. She tells them to start touching her face….newsflash, fuck up my make up and die. Again WHAT’S HAPPENED TO FUCKING?

Moving on, here’s Psycho with Urkel really connecting and Robby pretending he’s not gay.

Winning!

Psycho is thrilled with her group and Sydney is all into Matthew. Kori keeps giggling and she tells us Nick is a cold fish and she’s having a way better time with Edson. My whole face is numb, touch my collarbone!

Nick tells us he’s too modest for this stuff. Date over.

Later Robby is making drinks and talking to Psycho. He tells us she might not be attracted to him yet but she will be. She then takes the drinks he made out to Urkel.

Sydney tells Mathew she needs a ride or die dude cause she’s a ride or die bitch. Stab me in the head now.

Elimination Day!!!!!

First up is Michael for obvious reasons.

Nothing weird looking there at all.

Nomination 2……….

Chris. Shocker! Psycho tells him it seems like he’s more worried about swinging his dingaling instead of swinging her way.

But I really like vaginas I promise!!!

Next Psycho goes and grabs Pasquale, to reassure him that she knows he was just trying to have her back and he is NOT up for elimination. The reason she reacted like she did she tells him, was to throw Sydney off. How he was “having her back” escapes me but she tells him as long as he’s 100% her and 0% the other two they can win this thing.

Psycho tells us she knows he’s an idiot and she is using this fool. Thank God cause I thought for a second she really thought he was “having her back”. He was wanting Sydney until Sydney yelled so loud his balls shrank.

Joey it seems becomes the 3rd nomination. He ain’t going anywhere.

She keeps saying “This is the Judi Show.” Kori just got a clue and realized that Psycho is not ganging up on Sydney!!!

Sydney and Kori decide its time to join forces.

At the Elimination Ceremony Psycho tells Kori that she sent one of her guys home and now it’s payback and that’s why Joey is up. Karma’s a bitch. Jumping the gun a bit. Kori just smiles and says “Bring it on bitch.”

This causes Tanisha some severe excitement!

Damn girl cut your Rabbit off during taping!

Basically Psycho thinks all three were there for Kori. When Psycho says that about Chris, Kori says, “Or for another man!” Chris denies this shit and Kori asks him if he’s bisexual or what and he claims he just likes being naked.

As amusing as Tanisha finds this they still have to get down to business. Joey says he needs to get to know all three and not just be a bag of funny. Michael says that he feels both girls are very sweet and eventually they will fall in love. (When he prays the gay away?) Sorry but that dude has about as much use for any of the three of them as I do. He just wanted to be on tv.

Speaking of wanting to be on tv, Chris says that Kori is beautiful and Syd is bad ass and blah blah blah.

So who gets saved first????

They easily agree on Joey. He’s constant positive energy!

Tanisha then asks Chris why he should stay over Michael. He says because his helicopter was bigger………..wait, no that was just what I assumed he’d say. Sorry. He says he should stay because he’s a great person and he’s there for “you guys.” Michael is asked the same. He says a woman of his will be taken care of well. I have no doubt. She will be dressed perfectly and her hair will be FABULOUS!!!!!

Sydney says that “if he hasn’t come up by now I don’t think he will.” Kori says she doesn’t think he has a connection with any of them.

And with that Michael is sent packing. He says it’s sad but if they weren’t feeling him, they weren’t feeling him.

Dude the only one “feeling” you was Chris, and maybe Robby.

So another one bites the dust. Were you surprised? What say you gasmites?

Until next time,

Love & Smooches,

Cherie

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