Love Games: Holy Crap, He Actually Did It.

Wow, “Love Games.” Wow. I have mocked and mocked and MOCKED your trashy, stagey, poor man’s “Bachelorette,” drama for the past two episodes. But damn if you didn’t bring it home this week. One word: AssTat.

Sarah cues us in, pleased that all the fat has been trimmed. She and Tim mush face on the couch as she talks about how great he is to talk to and how much she could see herself being with him. She also rocks an inhuman set of false eyelashes as she does so.

For her part, Kendra wants to get to know Justin a little bit better and is excited about Matt because he’s something new and different that she’s never experienced before. Really? I meet like, a dozen of Matt every time I cross the street in Hollywood. They seem to congregate around Big Wangs. As for getting to know Justin better, doesn’t she have a day or so to do that…? Get on the stick, Kendra.

Oh, and Amber and Joe are probably already pregnant. No news there.

It’s back to Sarah and my ears perk up as she asks Nick to come “snuggle” with her in what appears to be the public sex bed in the house. “Snuggle” doesn’t sound right coming out of Sarah’s mouth. Bang? Yes. Spoon? Yes. Fork? Definitely. She asks him how he feels about the whole thing (another thing that doesn’t sound right coming out of her mouth – consideration for others), and Nick weirdo answers that he’s totally happy to be with her and that his mom is the sweetest person in the world. Does he live with her or was that just bad editing. Anyway, Sarah blahs on about what a hard decision she has to make, and Nick affirms that even if she doesn’t pick him, he won’t stop fighting for her. Nick! Raise your standards! This girl is a bag of bitchcrazy on a good day, and you’ll take her even after she rejects you?

With that, night turns to day and we’re treated to a montage of the boys sleeping peacefully into late morning, Justin curled around a blow-up doll. Has that been addressed? Then feet in pointy boots start walking through the house, and Tanisha, a Bad Girl I actually know, shows up! Of course she does the one thing she and the show are recognized for and starts loudly banging pans together telling the boys to get the fuck up. The boys are understandably confused, but not as murderously pissed as I would be. If Tanisha had pulled that shit in my house, she would’ve been hospitalized with a head injury I probably wouldn’t have remembered giving her.

The girls run in like it’s fucking Christmas and they’ve managed to catch a glimpse of a black, angry, female Santa. They explain that Taaisha is a notorious Bad Girl and remain really excited as a montage of a woman with CLEAR rage issues is played. Yay! Let’s glorify disturbed people! Sarah says that Tanisha is there to help them decide which boys are truly in it to win it. Oooh… is she going to wrestle them? Because that would be an adequate test of commitment and strength.

The girls sit down with Tanisha who acts way more like a social worker than someone in need of one, to my disappointment, as the girls describe their guys. Kendra likes Justin, but he’s a player. Kendra also likes Matt, but he could also be a player because he’s on the road so much with hockey. Sarah likes Tim’s money, but wants more from him, and Nick’s poor, so that’s an issue. Oh, and Amber loves Joe, but wants to know if he feels the same way about her. Bitch, go to a psychic for that shit. Don’t waste Tanisha’s time.
The girls just aren’t sure and need Tanisha to fix it! Which she promises to do, and says it in a hardass enough way to reinterest me a little bit. A little.

Tonisha announces that she’s created little, patronizing tests for each boy to overcome in an effort to help her judge who’s “for real” and good for her girls. Whom I’m pretty sure she’s never met until now. All of the boys are gung ho to prove themselves, and none of them seem the least bit bothered by the idea of a total stranger passing judgment on their relationships. Way to be focused, Gentlemen.

The boys have the option of saying no to each challenge, but Tanisha warns that will say a lot about them. Most likely something along the lines of them being total pussies, or just not wanting to destroy their reputations on national television. Let’s see!

Tim the Piercing Artist enters stage right and I guess this is where things are supposed to get interesting, but I’m not impressed with the possibility of one of the guys having to get something pierced. First of all, most piercings don’t hurt that much, and second of all, they’re not permanent. Then Kendra says Matt needs to get a nipple ring to prove his commitment to her, and things do actually get interesting. You can tell he’s a little disgusted by it at first, but then jumps in with both feet and man’s his way through the entire thing. I don’t think a nipple ring on a hockey player who’s probably had his head bashed into some pretty unforgiving ice warrants as much of a man roar as Matt lets out, but it’s pretty funny.

The grossest thing about this for me is the man nipple. Just think they’re weird and unnecessary.

Justin is of course worried what’s next for him if Matt had to have something shoved through his nipple, but he shouldn’t be. Because all Kendra’s going to do is call some of Justin’s old girlfriends to see if they think he’s a player too, and then erase said numbers. Like a dude like Justin wouldn’t have that shit backed up eight ways from Sunday. Lame. Kendra calls some girls, they say he’s player, too and it’s all very predictable. Kendra says that Justin has the option of her calling more girls, or just smashing his phone right there with a hammer. Wait a minute – so Justin’s choices here are Kendra hearing more about how he’s a manwhore, or him immediately stopping that from happening in a way that requires no personal growth or commitment from him whatsoever. Whatever will he choose????!!!

Justin feigns a little discomfort at first, but then blasts that phone to smithereens as soon as the hammer’s in his hand. All good players know how to cover their tracks. Matt and I agree that it’s total bullshit that he basically had to injure himself while Justin gets to smash a phone he probably had insured anyway.

It’s Sarah’s turn next to humiliate and patronize people she cares about, and so enters Gabe the Tattoo Artist! Now we’re talking! Even if this whole show is reality television bullshit, some guy is walking out of here with a lifelong, “Love Games” brand. This is one of those “are they incredibly brave or incredibly stupid?” moments.

And the honor? It falls to Nick! Sarah knows they have a deep and intense connection, but that’s not good enough for her. No, Nick needs to get her name tattooed on his ass. In front of Tim, to boot, if Nick didn’t already feel whipped enough. Nick at least proves he’s intelligent, if not committed when he interviews that he’s never met someone who ended up being happy about getting a girl’s name tattooed on them – but boyo agrees anyway!!! Holy Crap! He actually does it! The kid actually gets Sarah’s name with the “Love Games” logo tattooed on his ass and he hasn’t even slept with this chick yet! This is truly fantastic. Meanwhile, Tim interviews that he has no idea how he’s gonna top a tattoo, and the answer is, he isn’t. But you can bet he’s doing cartwheels in his head thanking the good lord that his ass is still pure.

It’s Tim’s turn, and he’s of course, scared to death. He shouldn’t be, though, because all Sarah wants is to see his bank statements. Given that that’s the part of his personality that takes centerstage all the time, she feels justified in asking. Tim doesn’t think so, though, and shuts her down then and there. Whoa. Risky behavior, Timbo. First, Bad Girls don’t like “no,” it pisses them off. Second, that means you either have way less money than you said, or you’re just afraid that after telling Sarah all about it, you’re scared she’s a gold digger. Totally your fault, by the way. It’s not looking good for Tim. I’m also pretty sure Nick has actually had a spontaneous orgasm at the mile long lead he’s just acquired.

Next it’s onto Amber and Joe! What the fuck does Joe have to prove? I think his willingness to be in Amber’s presence for more than five minutes without putting a ball gag in her mouth evidence of his commitment. But Amber disagrees, and Joe is driven to a street corner in Hollywood and tasked with showing his love to her in a non-low key way. He is given a megaphone and comes up with, totally on his own, the idea of getting naked, wearing signs about his love for Amber and shouting into the megaphone how much he’s devoted to her. Oh, and he also walks in and out of traffic.

Joe is totally pleased with his performance and thinks he’s got the challenge in the bag.
Please. Nick walked away with that shit the minute the “h” on the end of “Sarah” was completed on his right butt cheek. Maybe if you’d actually let yourself get run over, but you don’t stand a chance as it is.

I’m right, of course, and Nick wins. Tim whines pissily that he’s tired of seeing Nick’s face on the wall, and the game? It needs to be stepped up. Good luck, buddy. I think a Prince Albert and a face tat are your only hopes at this point.

Upstairs the boys get ready for date night, and I’m not sure why Tim is even putting on clothes. Justin asks Tim why he didn’t show Sarah the accounts, and Tim answers that he wants Sarah to be with him for more than just his money. Yeah, Tim’s broke. Maybe talk about your money a little less if you want Sarah to care about your sparkling personality and fathomless depths. Dick.

We arrive at the Staircase of Decision and Host (who receives no name because he fulfills no purpose) appears! Bret Ernst has the easiest job on the planet. Kendra picks Matt, Sarah picks Nick and Amber picks Justin. Ha! Just kidding – wanted to check and see if you were still reading. She picks Joe. Matt’s nipple ring is making Justin a little less confident that he’ll be taking home the prize that is Kendra, and I have to be honest, because in the Rochambeau game of life, piercing beats phone smash. And tattoo beats piercing.

Sarah and Nick head to miniature golf and she gets all hot and bothered, wondering how that could have happened at such a place. Nick’s hands all over her ass as he checks her form might have something to do with it. The two get very AmberJoe before we cut to Kendra and Matt. Those two are at an ice rink and Kendra’s wondering what Matt, the professional hockey player has to show her on the ice. BODY CHECK! Matt gets more excited about just stepping on the ice than he has been about any girls on the show, but that’s probably to be expected with any professional athlete. He shows her how to skate backwards and they dick around with hockey sticks for awhile. He lets her win, they drink hot chocolate, it’s cute. Matt shows his soft underbelly, telling Kendra how trustworthy he is, and Kendra’s happy because this was exactly what she was looking for from him. Wait, so does this mean no body check?

Joe and Amber go bowling and have fun. Joe lets Amber win. Joe is falling for Amber. That’s about it.

The long sticks and tiny balls in mini-golf have so worked up Sarah and Nick, they totally go (most likely) bone in her bed as soon as they get home! Awesome. Tim’s pissed (but still not enough to get a tattoo), and shows it as soon as Sarah and Nick emerge. To be fair, Sarah pretty much wants to hang out with Tim (in the same negligee she was wearing when she dragged Nick up the stairs) like everything’s normal and is perplexed when he’s upset. And because she’s a girl who couldn’t stop picking her scabs, Sarah follows Tim out of the house and confronts him. He calls her out on telling him last week that his money didn’t mean anything to her and then making it his challenge to reveal his bank statements. Sarah puts up some lame defense as the money always being Tim’s fallback when it comes time to get more emotionally intimate. See, if that were the case, the challenge should have been something like Sarah getting an hour alone in a room with Tim’s mom or something, so she could learn more about him.

Anyway, Tim’s basically jealous and angry right now, so he’s a total dick and threatens to leave because he claims there’s nothing he needs to prove to Sarah. This of course just makes Sarah run right back to Nick, and I continue to be astounded at Tim’s failure in strategy.

Kendra and Justin are lounging around, and Kendra tells him she wants him to be someone she can come home and just talk to. She likes that Justin can be himself around her, while Matt is constantly trying to impress her. Justin promises commitment to her, and says that if she can match what he offers, they could have a “bomb-ass future.” I love it when guys use the words “bomb” and “ass” when referring to a relationship.

Oh, and Joe and Amber are in the public sex room (boom-boom room, I guess), and the audience is treated to some softcore porn before we head to commercial. Thanks Oxygen!

Morning rolls in and much to my dismay, Sarah’s ready to talk it out with Tim. She asks him why he flipped out at her flaunting her relationship with someone else in his face, and he answers logically, that he was fucking jealous. This of course pleases Sarah’s sick and twisted notions of how relationships should work, and they make up. Ugh, boring. All the boys agree with me that Tim should go home, but I have a feeling that until he and Nick actually come to blows, Tim’s sticking around.

There’s some more talk about elimination between Amber and Joe, but the only think worth noticing is the water that paid for a spot on the show.

The gang heads to elimination with everyone assuming that it’s gonna be ugly. That it will. Tim is immediately sent to the Hearts of Judgment, as are Matt and Joe. Sarah bullshits that Matt isn’t serious enough, and Joe’s just sent up to provide fake drama. But wait! There’s a twist! After the boys take the time to defend their love for the ladies (and it’s revealed that Matt doesn’t even know that Kendra has a twin sister – eesh), Host finally serves a purpose and tells the gang that not only is a boy going home, but a girl must leave as well! Who will it be??!!!! Host explains that this show is about LOVE, and after I get up from the floor, clean up the Cheerios and milk I sprayed all over my computer when I heard Host utter those words and stop choking on my laughter, I hear him explain that a “surface” connection must be sent home. Bathroom of Decision, here we come. I hope someone loses a weave…

Christ, this show is so fucking lame. The girls walk into the bathroom and are such shitty actresses they couldn’t convince a three-year-old that they didn’t know this shit was about to go down. They hem and haw insincerely until both Kendra and Sarah flash looks Amber’s way implying the PAINFULLY OBVIOUS fact that she and Joe should go home because the game is basically over for them anyway.

Host announces that the two girls who enter first, are the girls who are staying, and of course, after some “intense” house music, Kendra and Sarah return. Joe is immediately sent home as well, and the two head back to Arizona to bone like desert bunnies.
Matt vows to learn Kendra’s sister’s name, and Tim has returned to cockiness once again not seeing any obstacles in his way toward winning Sarah’s manipulative little heart. That was fast. Next week: Ferraris! It’s also the season finale, and there weren’t any fisticuffs hinted at, so I’m thinking that none happen. What a fucking letdown.

Me too, Amber. Me too.