Love Games: Whiny Bitches, Every Last One (of the boys)

On this week’s episode of “Love Games,” there’s some serious drama. Oh, wait, sorry, that was supposed to be some “seriously staged drama.” My bad. Kendra acts like she might give Dan a chance, and Justin and Matt try to imagine what it would be like for a man like Dan to usurp their booty. They are unsuccessful. Amber and Kendra nail Sarah to the wall during elimination, and she freaks out. But not really, because I have Youtubed Sarah, and her genuine freak outs are nothing compared to the half-assed whining we get treated to at the end of the show. But the question remains…

Back at a house that’s probably hosted a porn shoot or two, Amber, Kendra and Sarah have splintered off into their respective couples and ménage á trios-es, leaving Dan to entertain himself and everyone else. He’s pretty good at it, telling kind of an awesome story about his friend throwing a dead bird out a window and killing another one in the process. Amber doesn’t know what Dan’s still doing here considering he still hasn’t picked a girl. I think it’s more that a girl hasn’t picked Dan. Dan’s entertaining, intelligent and not terrible to look at. It is not, however, his primary activity to prove how big his penis is every time the camera flashes to him, nor does he compete with the other guys for dominance. Which is why I’m betting tonight is his last episode.

Then Matt tries to make a dirty joke, but Sarah ruins the punchline before he can deliver. She accompanies the parade rain with a picture perfect eyeroll she rocks coupled with an “over it” swig of cocktail. Sarah’s whole life is a dirty joke, so she doesn’t think they’re funny, just redundant. Kendra still thinks Matt’s cute despite his windless sails, explaining that she hasn’t had that kind of fun, goofy energy around her in a while.

It’s back to Sarah, and I’m starting to get why she punched Matt’s joke in the face a minute ago. She’s staring annoyed daggers at Nick, who’s doing the unthinkable – not showering her with attention. She interviews that she just got done ripping Joe a new one at elimination for not trying hard enough (as though he had to – Amber’s so far up that ass she could probably wave out of his mouth), and here’s Nick! Listening to someone else speak while she’s in the room! Sarah walks over to Tim and starts playing with his hands – attempting to accomplish what? I’m not sure. Right at that moment, Nick walks outside (I’d say stalks, but he doesn’t seem that upset or anything, just like maybe he feels like a cigarette), and after a minute, Sarah stalks out after him.

She immediately starts laying into him, because, according to her, he’s acting like he doesn’t want to be there. Nick just starts whining about how much Tim hurts his feelings by flaunting success and pointing out Nick’s current lack of job/money at the same time. Shut up, Nick. Most girls worth being with won’t follow a guy around JUST because of his money, but they’ll take a confident rich dude over a whiny poor guy any day of the week. Nick moans some more about how hard it is not to be able to sweep her up and carry her away all for himself, and Sarah cuts him off by telling him to just leave if it’s so hard. Nick whines some more, completely missing Sarah’s entire point, which is that she WANTS him to man the fuck up and sweep her off her feet – Tim be damned! But, all Nick can do in the face of Sarah’s In-Your-FACEness is cower and blame shift. He is not the man for her. They both walk inside pissed at each other and utterly unable to communicate. Amber interviews that it’s like the two are already married.

The “drama” continues in the bunny lounge as Sarah relates her woes to a more understanding audience. I say more understanding because Kendra totally calls her out, asking if Sarah wants the boys to follow her around like puppy dogs because that’s pretty much what she’s demanding. Amen, Kendra. Sarah gets a little flustered at Kendra hitting it right on the fucking nose, and tries to cover by saying that she’d just like, when she’s upset, for the boys to notice and care. I’d like to take this moment to point out that Tim was the one facing Sarah as she bitchfaced through the entirety of the last scene, not Nick, and he didn’t seem to give a flying fuck about anything else but Dan’s epic bird story. Sarah ends the conversation lamenting (seriously – lamenting) that she’s frustrated because at first she thought she liked Nick better, but now she thinks she might like Tim. Woe, thy name is Sarah.

Or maybe it’s Nick, who is still downstairs, bitching to Joe now about how sad Tim makes him, and Joe offers the wisdom that’s worked so well for him: just be yourself. This seems to bolster Nick despite his “self” being kind of a whiny douche. He vows to not go down without a fight at the same time Sarah wishes she liked girls.

A new day dawns and it’s Challenge Day! Or Humiliation Day if you’re Dan. The gang arrives at Hollywood Boulevard and I wonder what the point is of having a comedian for a host (or having a host at all) when the girls announce the challenge and Ernst says, like, three words. The dudes are to form teams of three and ask tourists outside the Kodak Theater for items a Bad Girl would keep in her purse. According to Amber, these items include mascara, lip gloss and clean panties, among others. What the hell does a Bad Girl need with panties? Condoms are also on the list, and that I can understand. Nick is with Joe and Justin, and claims that the other team doesn’t stand a chance. They’ve got Dan, who’s a great talker (has Nick noticed that Dan couldn’t talk the panties off of a hooker?), also Tim and Cosmo, who are just going to scare everyone away. Delusion, thy name is Nick.

A montage of running and embarrassing questions follows with the boys attempting to score tampons, condoms, panties and makeup from English and non-English speakers alike.

Matt says asking for tampons makes people think he’s a wacko, but not enough of a wacko for some girl to refrain from asking for a kiss on national television. He complies and he and Tim have four to go. P.S. Tissues are also on the list – to wipe the tears of a Bad Girl after one of her sisters slaps her in the face after one too many shots and some stolen attention. Joe actually has the stones to approach a woman with children like children have any place on Hollywood Boulevard or this show, but thankfully only asks for her mascara.

Tim accurately deduces that clean underwear is the most difficult of things to find on Hollywood Boulevard, but it’s Matt, of all people who procures it. I’d have just gone to American Apparel and bought some – not because it’s hard to find wholesome people on Hollywood Boulevard, but who carries a spare set of clean underwear with them on a regular basis? I guess that’s what makes it a challenge.

Joe, Justin and Nick find some shortly after and are only one condom away from completing the hunt!

The boys sprint back to the bus, and it’s Joe, Justin and Nick who come in first place. The first part of the challenge, she is complete. Dan, Tim and Matt get to hang out on the bus, denied alone time with their honies for the foreseeable future. Sarah is “SO” disappointed in Tim, who can’t win a challenge to save his life. If Nick could crap happy right now, he would. Part Two of the challenge was inspired by the wondrous diversity that pervades Hollywood Boulevard. Each boy is paired with their lady and tasked with translating some “Bad Girl” phrases into different languages – specifically Italian or French. This truly is a challenge – if they’d been given Korean or Spanish, this would have been over in 20 seconds. The first and second place teams advance to the third round, while the last team ascends to the bus of shame with Tim, Dan and Matt. Sarah says that she and Nick are both very smart and that she would be shocked if they were defeated. There are actually too many fish in that barrel for me to shoot at, so let’s just move on.

The teams sprint off the bus and Amber screams like she’s on a fucking roller coaster as they run back to the boulevard.

The girls totally get it done, running around the block yelling “Italian or French?!” at people, and meeting people who speak either very quickly. “Can I buy you a drink?” is one of the questions, and Sarah nails it first in French, and Amber closely follows… with Spanish. Awesome. I guess it’s part of the rules that the same person can’t translate all three phrases, because the girls run off to find other people as soon as their translations are complete. A point that may work in Ambers favor. Kendra and Justin “are working really well together” as they try to translate, “Is my underwear edible?”, but it’s Sarah and Nick who bring it home first.

When all three teams have returned to the bus, Host is there with a translator to tally up the scores. Amber is positive she and Joe won, and I wonder how much Amber is positive about that is totally and utterly false. The high possibility of getting pregnant in a hot tub? Sucking on pennies helps you defeat breathalyzers? The list goes on. Of course, she and Joe are in third place because while they had the second best time, one of their translations was wrong. Which one, you ask? Well, here’s a clue – “bebida” is SPANISH for “drink,” not Italian.

Kendra and Justin come in second and Sarah and Nick come in first! Sarah’s incredibly glad she got to work with Nick on this challenge, because if she would have been forced to work with Tim, she knows they would have lost. Tim looks on from the roof of the bus in consternation, and just wants the whole thing to be over. The stink of failure, it smells rank to Tim. Not as much as it stinks to Amber, though, who is “not impressed” and “doesn’t like losing.” She stomps back to the bus, even though it means she gets to spend time alone with Joe. Which was the prize. Oh, Amber.

For the third, and final challenge, Justin and Nick have to search the boulevard for quarters from either the state their girls are from or the year they were born. How incredibly boring. I think they should be looking for guys the girls have slept with, because I’ll bet there are way more of those on the boulevard than year/state specific coins. No one listens to me, though, so the boys run off in search of Wisconsin or some year in the ’80s, hoping they’re right about both facts because the girls were not able to give them hints. Both men are confident, but only one can win. Quarterdome!!!

Another montage of frantic running and yelling ensues that is neither as funny, nor as awkward as the previous two. The only thing worthy of note is here is that Nick realizes mid-search that he’s not sure if Sarah was born in ’84 or ’85. Can’t help you there, Nick. I thought ’80, myself. While Nick is busy scratching his head and working math, Justin owns the challenge and skates back to the bus, magic quarter in hand. Kendra verifies that the quarter ’tis indeed a true quarter from North Carolina! Justin wins her favor and his first trophy.

Nick follows soon after… with a quarter from the wrong year. Back to Tim Sarah goes.

Sarah can’t quite believe the epic FAIL of Nick not knowing a fact about her that she never told him (’84, not ’85, btw), and huffs and puffs away from him.

Kendra and Justin get all cozy on the roof of the bus in possibly the most unromantic setting imaginable – bus, daytime, Hollywood Boulevard, etc. She knows he’s a player, but she still wants to get to know him better. To anyone who thinks she’s being stupid – hush. There’s a reason players are players. They are good at getting ladies. Kendra is currently in the process of getting got, and she doesn’t even know it. The duo ride around on the bus, don’t talk and eventually start making out a little, after which Kendra interviews that she thinks Justin would totally turn in his player card for a girl like her. Justin knows how to effectively use his alone time.

Night falls, the alone time ends and it’s Date Night. Dan is hoping that one of the girls will see the light and finally pick him. I’m not exactly sure what light he’s talking about, but at least he’s optimistic. Matt tells Kendra that it did give him a frowny face to see her ride away on the magic bus with Justin, but he likes to see her smile, so the day wasn’t a total wash. Damn, Matt should be dating Sarah. That is exactly the kind of shit she likes. The magic bus and makeout session did wonders for Justin’s already overwheening ego, and he is positive he’s going on the date tonight. I am now positive he isn’t.

All arrive at the Staircase of Choice as Host announces that instead of double dates, there will be three solo dates – the stakes, they have been raised! It’s not really worth mentioning that Amber picks Joe, but I will, for posterity’s sake. Nick really hopes Sarah picks him, but she doesn’t, choosing Tim. Nick is, of course, completely befuddled and pissed that Sarah would take a guy who couldn’t even win a simple scavenger hunt. Unbelievable! What else could the man possibly have to offer? Nick whines that he can’t figure out what Tim is doing right. Stop stamping your foot and bitching, and maybe something will come to you, Nick.

Tim thinks it’s HUGE that even though Nick almost won the challenge, he was not picked for a date by Sarah. And if it’s HUGE, it’s right up Tim’s alley. According to Sarah, she spent a lot of time with Nick today and it made her miss Tim a little – ha!

And it’s down to Kendra, who surprises all by choosing Dan! Not me, really, because Dan is good reality and the possible combination of him and Kendra is going to be phenomenal. Justin is simply flabbergasted and straight up calls Kendra crazy. NEVER say that to a Bad Girl. They don’t like it because it’s true, and they will tear your shit up. Kendra says she just picked Dan because she wants to know what’s going on inside his head. And because the producers told her to. This was the “drama” I was talking about earlier.

Sarah and Tim share a lovely dinner and talk about… Nick. Always a good sign. She calls Tim a bit more stable than Nick. It does look like he’s got a wider center of gravity… He goes so far as to tell Sarah that Nick snuggled up to Kendra once or twice and used alcohol as an excuse. Tim assures her that she would not have to worry about that with him. Nope, probably just one-sided sex and coming in second to work. Tim interviews that he thinks he and Sarah have such a good connection that he can ride it all the way through to the end. We’ll see about that.

It’s onto Joe and Amber who look sincerely and disgustingly into each other in a way that is incredibly inappropriate for reality television.

Joe addresses his perceived lack of enthusiasm by saying he’s just intimidated by the loud personalities of the guys in the house. Because every girl wants to hear how their guy is intimidated by other men. That doesn’t seem to bother Amber, though, as right afterwards Joe launches into the crazy stories about zany stuff he did back home in Arizona. Like going to a party naked a.k.a. streaking. Bitch, that ain’t crazy, that’s college. Amber giggles, feeds him some sushi and dreams that things will grow between them when they leave the house. She also dreams about riding a pink pony through Candyland, but that’s not as relevant.

Finally we’re onto the interesting date of the night – Dan and Kendra. Dan’s busy laying on the bullshit charm he lays on all the girls, telling Kendra that from the first second he laid eyes on her, he knew she’d “get” him before any other girl in the house did. She asks him if she’s his type, and he hilariously and honestly answers that he doesn’t think he knows her well enough to answer that question. Then he interviews that even though she’s his best friend (?????), but there are other guys still after her, so he’s not going to commit. Yeah, Dan’s going home tonight, but he’s going home with a bang. A big, conflicting, hilarious bang. But not a sexual one…

Kendra completely misses how Dan’s speech makes no sense IN THE SLIGHTEST and just thinks that he’s nice, but probably wouldn’t be able to handle her crazy. She’s not wrong, I’ll give her that.

Back home, the remaining dudes are indulging in the time-honored, reality love contest tradition of bingin’ and bitchin’. They still can’t fathom how Dan managed to snag a date with Kendra, and Matt even goes so far as to call the kid a pimp for pulling that shit off. All of that pretty much degrades into Nick drunkenly venting about Tim. The other guys try to stop it, but Nick goes on about how much Tim blows, that he’s the wrong guy for Sarah, and that he’s the boring version of Nick. I’m starting to think that every time Nick kisses Sarah, he’s quietly, subconsciously wishing it were Tim.

Nick interviews that he and Sarah have a much stronger connection than any two people in the house, but she’s still going on dates with Tim, AND YOU’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT HIM, NICK. Shut up and go buy Sarah a present. Trust me, it’ll go a lot further than anything you’ve done so far. Interestingly, it seems like Matt and Justin agree that Tim is shallow, boring and can only talk about money, as they chime in with a story of their own about Tim bragging that he owned a house, when really he rented. There’s also a clip of Tim telling Sarah that he had enough money to fly her out to St. Louis whenever she wanted. Isn’t Sarah from Wisconsin? Shit, I have enough money to fly somebody out to St. Louis from Wisconsin anytime I wanted. Well, maybe not, but it’s still spectacularly unimpressive. Tell me you can fly me Dubai anytime I want (on a private jet), and then we’ll talk.

As if Tim can hear the boys (or as if he’d been coached), we’re treated to a montage of his date with Sarah during which he talks ad nauseam about, you guessed it – money! Sarah isn’t bothered by this because she’s worried he’s shallow and materialistic. No, she’s pissed he’s not currently listing off the things he likes about her.

The couples return home and the girls head to bed exhausted from their day of accepting flattery, and the Matt, Justin and kind of inexplicably Nick, begin to whale on him trying to find out what happened on the date with Kendra. The horseplay/fisticuffs/homoerotic tension goes on for what seems to be around 20 minutes, as the guys wrestle and slap around Dan in a bunch of different rooms in the house. Nick explains that since Dan’s the littlest, he’s the easiest one to torture. Again, why does Nick give a fuck? Tim and Joe listen in and roll their eyes at the immaturity of the other guys. They don’t try to help or anything, but they do sit in judgment.

Amber interviews that the girls can hear everything going on downstairs and that it sounds like the boys are torturing Dan, which is not okay. She goes on to say that acting like a frat boy is a reason not to date someone, and they should shape up. She obviously can’t see how much Dan is enjoying finally being in the center of attention, though, or she might change her tune.

Teabagging and merriment ensues, until finally we head to commercial. But not without the promise of Kendra rage to come.

Morning arrives and the girls enjoy breakfast in bed to dish about their dates as though they didn’t do that as soon as they got home the night before. Kendra laughs at herself for taking Dan on the first solo date, but seems to enjoy the fact that Dan can be so calm around her. Sarah relates that Tim brought up a few points about Nick that she couldn’t deny were negative. She completely agrees with and believes Moneybags, because why would Tim lie or misrepresent a situation to his own advantage? Sarah comes to the conclusion that Nick’s a bit of a party kid, while Tim likes to go out, but he also has a business and is therefore more grounded. Then Amber surprises me like she did last week when she used the word “elaborate,” and says something pretty insightful. She wonders if Tim isn’t too far on the other end of the spectrum, and not enough fun. Sarah agrees, and contemplates fusing the two men together in a way that would be both scientifically possible and sexually attractive.

Sarah asks Amber about Joe, and she lurrrves him. Sarah thinks their relationship is bland and that there aren’t any sparks. Just like the false drama about to follow!

Kendra pulls Matt aside to ask him about the hustle and bustle that occurred the night before, and it takes Matt roughly five seconds total to throw Nick under the bus as the ringleader. He claims he doesn’t want to rat out his boys, but he’s going to do whatever it takes to win Kendra’s heart. Then throw Justin under the bus, you moron. How the fuck is Nick going home gonna help you? Kendra does not like frat boy bullshit in her house (except for Matt, of course, and his cosmos of douchebaggery), and she is not pleased with Nick.

Out on the porch, Amber’s talking to Tim trying to suss out a wild side, and she finds one: motorcycles. Tim goes on about going ridiculously fast (and furious!) on his bike, and Amber is extremely unimpressed with said behavior. And still a little pissed that Sarah put Joe up for elimination last week, I’d wager. The wheels of revenge, they are a’turnin’ in Amber’s head, as she becomes more and more disapproving of Tim’s newly discovered reckless side, and wonders if he’s right for Sarah.

Matt is a friend enough to warn Nick that Kendra is pissed at him, and Nick is stupid enough to believe that Matt didn’t help her come to that conclusion in any way. Nick can’t believe that now there’s a chance he could get kicked out of the house for being loud – so pissed he doesn’t take a one single second to glare at Tim as the guy walks by without saying a word.

Nick is so legitimately freaked out that he awkwardly tries to talk Dan into defending him, trying to get the kid to agree that Nick putting his balls on Dan’s forehead wasn’t an attack – just fun! Dan awesomely refuses to throw Nick a bone, and just brags about Kendra’s obvious affection for him. Oh, Nick. You are screwed.

Justin’s nervous, too, and talks it out with Joe, explaining that while the debacle with Dan did escalate, it didn’t escalate to a violent point. I get where Justin’s coming from – they were never going to actually hurt Dan. But it’s pretty tough to explain to a girl for whom pulling hair and slapping is enough to get thrown out of a club, that holding someone down and putting your testicles on their forehead is not violent. Justin’s a little worried, because at this point, anything can get one thrown out of the game.

Joe’s a little nervous, just because the odds say that half the guys will be up for elimination, so no matter how well he’s done, he could still be in danger. And in case you were wondering, Tim’s not worried in the slightest.

Then something of note happens – Sarah interviews that in order to save her two guys, she’ll put anyone up for elimination that she can. Just like she did last week.

The Bad Girls limo ferries the boys to a studio made to look like the VIP room at a club, where Host and the girls await them. It’s worth noting that all the girls look nice, except for Amber. Sarah’s rocking this maneating boob dress, Kendra’s got this pretty, off-the-shoulder royal blue mini, and Amber’s wearing what I can only describe as a sequined smock.

Tim’s first up, and as I replay in my head his Speech of Certainty that he would surely not be put on a heart, Amber sends his ass to the stage faster than you can say job security. Nick beams from ear to ear as Sarah tries hard hold the “What the FUCK?!” back from her throat.

Matt and Joe sail through, but the bloodbath continues with Nick! Kendra and her disapproval of hijinks send him to the second heart, and Sarah wails in her interview that she doesn’t understand why she’s under attack. Hey, remember that little thing I told you to take note of a little earlier? How Sarah was all, “I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure my men are safe?” And that whole thing last week where she threw Joe to the wolves for the same reason, but told Amber it had all been for her own good? Remember that? Sarah’s awesome, huh!

Last but not least, it’s Dan and Justin on the chopping block, and the choice is down to Sarah. She yeses Justin and no-s Dan, and that, my friends is a clue to how fake all of this really is. There is no way in hell that Sarah would have missed an opportunity to screw a girl who had just screwed her, and she knows that Kendra couldn’t give two shits about Dan. Essentially, Dan needed to leave, but since none of the girls liked him, some drama needed to be added. Two cups of backstab were contributed by Amber and Kendra, and *poof*! DRAMA.

The girls head to the Stools of Reason and prepare for judgement. Amber starts with Tim, asking him why, if he claims to be so responsible and mature, does he also tell stories of reckless motorcycle driving and… kicking out car mirrors? Okay, I must have missed that one. That’s not so much reckless as incredibly lame. And vandalism. Tim explains that he’s just got a “fun” side, but that he is definitely mature and responsible, and would never do anything to make Sarah look bad if she were to be with him.

Nick and Kendra are up next, and she calls him out for what she calls some “nasty, frat boy hazing” of Dan to find out what happened on the date. She first wants to know why he specifically picked on Dan. Because he went on a date with you. Didn’t you just say that, Kendra? Anyway, Nick doesn’t even bother to answer before shifting blame to Matt and Justin, saying they were holding Dan while Nick only shoved a pool cue in his face. Nick! Stop talking! Kendra doesn’t really listen to Nick’s protests, just lets him know that she doesn’t hold with that frat boy behavior, and she doesn’t like that he’s doing that, and also dating her friend.

Nick is so shocked that in a room with Matt, HE’S the one on the chopping block for frat boy activity, that he can barely defend himself. He does, saying that he’s not the one who’s been jumping in the pool naked and streaking through the house covered in bubbles, but that he did get loud the night before and is sorry. Ugh, that whole thing was just weird.

Sarah forgets her murderous rage long enough to tell Dan that while he’s driven and accomplished in life, he’s a hot mess when it comes to dating. Kendra and Amber laugh at his expense as Sarah also points out the fact that he still hasn’t picked a girl to share with the other guys. Dan uses those legendary words of his to tell each girl what he likes about them. He likes the way Amber makes him act. Smarter? He could talk to Kendra for days, and he wants to bone Sarah like there’ s no tomorrow, but he hasn’t had the opportunity to get to know her beyond that. He respectfully pleads for more time.

Sarah’s not having it, but it’s still funny watching Dan try to string a coherent sentence together. With that, the girls head to the Bathroom of Decision, and of course Sarah flips her ever-loving shit on Amber and Kendra. However, she barely gets out the sentence, “I can’t believe you guys put both of them up there!” before Kendra shuts her DOWN with, “Get over it, you haven’t had this much stress on you the entire time you’ve been here, so deal.” Awesome, Kendra. Awesome. Sarah snots back that if Kendra wants to be a bitch while Sarah’s sad/completely enraged, that’s fine, and Kendra one-twos her AGAIN saying that she doesn’t feel bad in the slightest about putting a frat boy douchebag on the chopping block. Boom!

Sarah continues to protest over and over again, even making a pretty good point about how if every time someone made a jackass frat boy move, Matt would’ve been gone on the first day (totally valid), but I still can’t ignore (and I’m sure neither can Amber or Kendra) the fact that Sarah DID THE EXACT SAME THING TO AMBER LAST WEEK.

Kendra is lapping up this shit with a spoon. She prisses that she has the power to eliminate whomeeeever she chooses in a sing-songy little voice, that, if I weren’t totally on her side right now, would me want to throat-punch her. Sarah warns Kendra that if either of her boys get sent home tonight, Justin, Matt and Dan will be up next week. Well, one of them will be because Sarah only gets one “no” vote, but you get the picture. Revenge will be hers. She also complains that she doesn’t understand why her boys are up on the hearts when no one is attracted to Dan. Ouch! That’s gonna hurt on the playback. Sorry, Dan!

Though, to Dan’s credit, Nick is kind of amazed with him, saying he might be the pimpest pimp that ever pimped – apparently Dan complimenting each girl individually was really a covert way to convince them to allow him to date all three girls at once. Nick and Dan must have dated some stupid, stupid girls for them to think that scenario ever has any chance of working.

We return to the BoD, and now it’s Amber’s turn to pipe up lamely about why Tim’s on the chopping block. She flips her hair and talks about how irresponsible he is what with his wild motorcycle side and all, and Sarah continues to look at her like she wishes eyes were made of bullets. After Amber’s been allowed her chance to speak, Kendra decides she’s tired of making believe Dan was gonna stick around and exits commenting that the girls’ decisions don’t get any easier. I feel a little of where Kendra is coming from. Choosing between a septet of assholes would be pretty difficult, not to mention depressing.

With the judgment finalized, the girls return to the their bar stools. Amber lets Tim off the hook, but makes sure he knows that she doubts his honesty. I hope Tim makes sure not to give a fuck. Dan’s up next and Sarah thinks he’s a nice guy, but he has to figure out what he wants. Kendra immediately lays into Nick without letting us know whether or not Dan is safe, telling him again that his frat boy behavior is unacceptable. Cleverly, the editors threw in a 30 second spot just before this segment showing Matt running around the house in thong underwear. In case anyone thought Kendra was not as big a hypocrite as Sarah.

At the end of the day and to the surprise of no one, Dan of a Thousand Words is sent home. Nick starts scraping away at the last piece of masculinity he has left when he starts crying, and poor Dan is sent home with three interviews from the girls all describing how much they weren’t attracted to him. Whew, that ended really well. I was pretty worried there for a minute that these girls would get into some sort of mud fight grudge match over the fine selection of beefcake in front of them, but thank goodness they refrained.

I kind of can’t wait for this season finale…