We see Betty is suiting up for another fancy soiree, but something seems to be amiss. Her normally svelte frame is being squeezed into a dress like a sausage into a casing. What the hell is this? All Betty’s got going for her are her looks, what happened?? She fakes out, making Henry go alone, watching him walk out while she sits there dejectedly with a pile of blond curls on top of her head like so much whipped cream topping.
We cut to Megan, who is just as much teh sex as ever, being the best wife she can be. Subservient and hot and adorable, all at the same time! She and Don make a quick joke about daddy issues, and then it’s off to meet with Mr. and Mrs. Heinz Baked Beans.
Mrs. Heinz Baked Beans: How did you two meet?
Don: Funny story…I met Megan at work. I hadn’t been in such a stable relationship in a long time. She understood me, I respected her…
Mrs. Heinz Baked Beans: That’s beautiful, Don.
Don: …then I cheated on that woman a few times with my secretary/nanny, and that’s how Megan and me hooked up.
Mrs. Heinz Baked Beans: *horrified*
Heinz guy is apparently over the whole “Bite and Smile” thing from last week because now he’s got a totally rad idea that will never work in a million years! Get the Rolling Stones to sing “Beans Beans the Magical Fruit” in a commercial! That’s what kids are into these days, right? Sexy, dangerous, rock gods singing about getting enough fiber in your diet?
Pete is both smug and happy to announce to Roger that Mohawk Airlines is coming back to Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. He and Lane tell Roger that he can take over the account once they sign on, which is a little bit of a slap in the face because I mean, since when does Roger take Pete’s handouts? Since Peggy’s got a vagina and Don’s too cool to write daily ads, they decide they should hire a new copywriter for the job.
Don’s new black secretary is named Dawn, which is both hilarious and confusing. Harry tells Don he scored tickets to the Stones concert (so they can try and convince the guys to do a bean commercial). He tries setting up a man date with Don for before the show, but is denied. We knew Don hated Harry, but could he know about the stuff Harry said about schtupping Megan? Probably not, as I think that would have resulted in a Don Draper-sized shoe up Harry’s ass.
And then it’s time for the pot to call the kettle fat! Henry’s mother comes over to give Betty a pep talk. Betty has apparently been spending her days eating Bugles in a quilted pink polyester nightmare of a Snuggie that is not unlike Glinda the Good Witch’s frock, both in size and shape.
Mamma Francis tells Betty that menopausal women don’t need to worry about their looks, but since she’s a trophy wife, go diet pill it up! “I raised my son to stop loving his wife the moment she packed on a few pounds because I am a terrible person.”
Betty goes to see her condescending, sexist, asshole of a doctor for diet pills, but omg! There is a lump or something! Henry’s off lawyering or mayoring or advising or whatever the hell he does, so when Betty comes home in a panic, she calls the only person who would give a shit.
Betty: *freaking out* omg the doctor found a nodule on my thyroid ;_; omg look how fat my wrists arrrrre ;_;
Audience: Awwww!!! *totally forgets they were the Worst Couple Ever*
Betty: Say what you always say.
Betty: I said say what you always say.
Betty: Don’t be ridiculous.
Don: Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Everything’s gonna be okay.
Audience: Are mommy and daddy getting back together?
Wow! Don actually looks upset! Could it be possible that they actually need each other?
Since Mohawk has made it pretty clear they need a copywriter with a penis, Peggy’s going through portfolios and Stan gives her the sage advice that she should only hire someone mediocre because god forbid you hire someone that will challenge you. Peggy goes with her gut anyway and brings in someone, who on paper, seems super talented. This kid Michael Ginsburg comes in, sounding like Ralph Macchio and dressed like a borderline hobo/clown/kid’s birthday party magician and says he really wants to make a good impression on Don, totally ignoring Peggy and thinking she’s a secretary.
Peggy: Uh, I’m actually a copywriter.
Ginsburg: *wacky bow tie spins* But I’m here to meet Don, I really want to impress him!
Peggy: Maybe you should cool it with the novelty items, then. Do you have a resume?
Ginsburg: Sure, it’s right here, rolled up in my sleeve, along with 30 brightly colored handkerchiefs all tied together.
Peggy: …uh…okay well thanks, but no thanks.
Ginsburg: *squirts water from flower boutonniere* Look, I have no life.
Ginsburg: Just give me a chance! You won’t be sorry. I’ve got a great work ethic…
Ginsburg: …just like I’ve got…your NOSE!
Peggy: -_- Don’s gonna hate you.
Roger comes stumbling in after a meeting with the Mohawk racists sexists guys and tells Peggy that they already think they’ve got a Jewy copywriter on the job, so she should just hire that crazy guy. He also calls Don’s new secretary “It’s always the darkest before the dawn,” which is as hilarious as it is offensive and pretty much the best nickname ever.
Betty sits down to lunch with an old friend that she bumped into at the doctor’s office. Apparently this chick’s got cancer, but she hasn’t told her kids. She told her husband to just tell them she got hit by car, which is in no way dysfunctional or anything. Betty starts complaining that if she dies her kids won’t hear another nice thing about her again. Of course she doesn’t connect the fact that if she wasn’t such a huge bitch to everyone about everything all the time, perhaps people would remember her a little more fondly, but…whatever. So this woman describes what it’s like to have cancer, which is even more depressing than you could possibly imagine. So after this primer of doom and gloom and being lost at sea, Professor Trelawney shows up for some fortune telling!
Professor Trelawney: Let me read your Tea Leaves!
Audience: lol, episode title
Betty: Gee, I hope I don’t get any bad news.
Professor Trelawney: Agh! It’s…THE GRIM!
Professor Trelawney: I mean…you are very important to the people around you, and you are in no way a total bitch toward your husband. Or kids. Or ex. Or family. Both immediate and extended. Or domestic help. Or in-laws. They would all be super sad if you were to suddenly drop dead and wouldn’t dance through the streets in celebration.
Don and Harry get ready to go to the Stones concert to try and convince the band to do a Heinz commercial. Don says something about making sure he looks like “The Man,” and all the female viewers are like, “Don’t worry. You’re covered.” So they get there and it’s all Almost Famous backstage, and people are screaming “It’s all happening!” and these two super young girls make fun of Harry and Don saying they don’t look cool.
Audience: I’m sorry, did you just say that Donald Effing Draper doesn’t look cool?
The man who epitomizes cool? Who oozes cool from his every pore?
Who has more cool in one strand of his jet black, perfectly combed hair than anyone, real or imagined, could ever actually have?
Teenage girls: Laaaame.
These girls are SO young that you really hope, for once, that the men actually show some self-control and don’t hit on them because that is waaaay crossing over into creepy territory. Harry gets stoned and rambles about Charlton Heston while Don both flirts with and grills this girl for information. I mean hey, it’s free marketing research! For once he sounds like a father and not The Master of Seduction. Between acting all fatherly to this girl and worrying about his kids losing their mother, could it be that Don is finally turning into a grownup?
Girl: Old people don’t want us to have any fun because you never got to.
Don: I drink, smoke, and nap all day when I’m not banging my hot young wife on my desk. Don’t tell me I don’t have fun.
Harry comes out of the dressing room, super excited that he just signed the Stones. Only that wasn’t the Stones, it was some band no one’s ever heard of, and the actual Rolling Stones just showed up. Everyone freaks out and Penny Lane leads the groupies onward. Don makes it abundantly clear that he hates Harry’s guts, Harry eats 20 tiny hamburgers, comments on how fun young girls/drugs are, and peaces out.
Betty and Henry do it for the first time in a long time – faced with her own immortality, could the frigid region where Betty’s heart should be be slowly warming up? She has a dream about her own death that night that is creepy and weird, but funnily enough is probably about as happy as an actual breakfast in the Francis household is. A bit later it’s the Fourth of July, and while the kids run circles around her, oh my god, Betty SMILES. For the first time in like 2 seasons. Her ice heart is totally melting!
Megan is getting ready to go to Fire Island and Don tells her about Betty’s possible demise. He says he’s too bummed to go to the beach, but just like that girl from the Stones concert, Megan wants to let loose. Ah, the price you pay for marrying someone half your age! She tells him they’ll deal with the Betty thing, whatever happens.
So it turns out Don doesn’t hate the new guy as much as Peggy thought he would, mostly because he actually took Peggy’s advice and left his rubber chicken at home. Wow, someone who will actually listen to Peggy? And respect her? What a refreshing change of pace. Anyway, he tells Don he’s admired him since he wrote that letter last season, and he wants in on SCDP. Don is picking up what he’s putting down and hires him on the spot.
He seems like a good, aw shucks kind of guy, but is he genuine? Thanking Peggy, he says “No one in the world cares I got the job but you!” only to go home to a creepy father who seems to care enough to want to hire hookers for the occasion. What’s your game, Michael Ginsburg?
Anyway, Betty’s tumor is benign and all my dreams of seeing her die a painful death are dashed. So much for her actually turning into a nice person! She manages to turn this awesome news into a bitchfest!
Betty: It’s benign. I’m just fat.
Henry: Everything’s okay. You’re exhausted from sitting around doing absolutely nothing all day. Anyway, I love you just the way you are. Because I’m inexplicably the world’s most accepting and patient husband.
Betty: Yeah well, you’re momma’s so fat she sat on a penny and squished a booger out of Lincoln’s nose.
Henry: Give me a hug, you complete asshole. The only thing that’s unforgivable is if you randomly called Don and told him about this in a moment of weakness.
Betty: …go get me the Bugles.
In his ballsiest move yet, Pete is such a little shit that he makes this big pompous announcement to the whole agency about how he worked so hard to resign Mohawk airlines, even though for once, Roger actually helped! He is sooo cruisin’ for a bruisin’!! What a slap in the face!
Anyway, Roger and Don have a heart to heart in which Roger admits he thought he loved Pete, but now he hates him, and then Don kind of admits that he thought he hated Betty, but now it turns out maybe he doesn’t after all. They wonder when everything is going to go back to normal, although we all know that ain’t happening any time soon.
The episode ends with a shot of Betty eating a second dish of ice cream. Because she may be a little chubby, but at least she doesn’t have cancer. Treat yo’self, girl.