Make Me a Supermodel: Hangin’ With Mr. Beckford

Tonight we get a whirlwind episode of makeovers, confessed crushes, and Niki wears yet another pair of neon-colored tights. But that’s par for the course on Make Me a Supermodel!

Before we dive in, we’ve got a controversy to clear up. Based on last week’s recap’s reader comments, the jury’s still out on if Shannon should be using the little girls’ room or the little boys’ room. So we’re going to start a point system each week. Every time she looks, says or does something feminine, one point goes to the She-annon side. When she seems more like a dude, the Mannon side gets a point. At the end of each episode, we’ll tally the results and, barring any hard (ha!) evidence, the team with the most episode wins takes the season! Place your bets, Gasmii!

We open tonight’s show with the models retreating, tails between their legs, having been semi-brutally critiqued by our illustrious judging panel. Sarah, Katy, and Dominic are up for elimination, and only America’s texting skills can save them.

Back at the house, it becomes abundantly clear that everyone wants to get rid of Dominic. Katy even calls him a prima donna. Really? The guy who complained that a necklace gave him back pain? He says he’s not sweating it, because he’ll get to go back to his “chick, records, and turntables.”

PrimaDOMa

Sarah tells us that packing is the worst feeling ever. Try going home, sweetie. That might feel a leeetle bit worse.

Beautiful Frankie, ever the strategist, tells us that he wants Dominic and Katy to come back, because he sees Sarah as the biggest threat. Shannon, on the other hand, “wants her girls to come home.” And Team She-annon gets one point for the Oprah-esque declaration of female solidarity!

The three would-be losers go before the judges, who do a quick synopsis of last week’s performance. Katy’s photo was uninspiring and her walk was too jiggly. Dominic was low energy and complains too much. Sarah is a girl-next-door, not a supermodel. Or even a regular model. The Sears catalog wouldn’t even take her.

The votes are in, and Sarah is out! Tyson even delivers the ultimate insult, “we can’t make you a supermodel.” Implicit in that declaration is the fact that all the anorexia and coke habits in the world wouldn’t make her succeed in this business. The three losers hug, and as Sarah is walking away, Dom screams “YEAH!” and pumps his fist. Have a little respect for the dead, buddy. The body isn’t even cold.

In Sarah’s exit interview, she reveals that she thought Dominic’s attitude would send him home. I thought it would be his poor photos. Sarah, you and I will never agree.

Especially not on this haircut.

Katy and Dominic go back to the apartment and the other models are surprised. Dominic hugs all the guys except Casey, who says Dom’s a bitch to everyone. Feministephanie gave Dominic a hug, but was the only girl to greet him. Holly was noticeably disappointed. You and me both, honey.

But enough with the tears. It’s makeover time! The models meet Corey at the oh-so-creatively named salon, Color. Wow, guys. Did you stay up all night thinking of that one?

Dominic says he has had mohawks, pompadours, and magenta hair in the past, and I am shocked. Who knew Dominic knew words as big as pompadour?

Corey, who has been hating on Holly’s bob since day one, tells her they’re going to chop it all off. The stylists asks if she wants to follow fashion, or develop it.

“Please don’t take my Campbell’s Soup kid look away from me!”

As it turns out, Holly’s the only one with a drastic makeover. Because they kicked her out and replaced her with Natalie Portman!

Sorry about how that whole Mr. Magorium thing turned out…

The models are all excited about their infinitesimally different looks. Tyson says it was an amazing transformation. What the hell is he talking about? Besides Aryn’s highlights, Katy’s orange hair, and Hollitie Portman, the rest of them look exactly like they did when they went in that morning. They did give Ronnie a kind of Wall Street Type A haircut, which would have gone perfectly with the suit they made him burn on the first episode. Whoops.

“Dude, it’s a whole new you.”

After the break, the boys go back to get waxed. I don’t know about you guys, but I am so over how it’s supposedly hilarious when boys get waxed. Pain is beauty. Grow a pair! I’m sure Shannon agrees. However, I won’t deny how awesome it was to see Beautiful Frankie get his treasure trail and nipples done.

With their marginally-new looks, the models head to a photoshoot. Photographer Sarah Silver is suspended in the air and tells them what she wants from that shoot. She talks in disjointed sentence fragments, like she’s doing poetry at open mic night. “Moving, moving, moving, comfortable, what are you wearing, what’s your hair look like?” She gestures to her shoulder area and says, “from here on up, you’re beautiful.” Was that a subtle dig at Katy’s thunder thighs? LOL, Sarah!

Shannon says she got a new ‘do and is feeling extra confident, even more than she was before. I think that’s a point for Mannon. Girls don’t say “new ‘do,” but I would bet boys trying to sound like girls just might.

Ronnie’s up first and he looks like what would happen if Chris Isaak and Brendan Fraser had a gorgeous, gorgeous lovechild.

He looks pretty comfortable suspended in the air. He does great and Sarah is impressed. And at the behest of a commenter, I will be providing all the model’s best shots:

Ben is up next. Sarah calls continually for more energy. She says he’s thinking about his body so much his face is suffering. I’ll say. Sarah keeps yelling ‘hit it’ at him, at which point he starts acting like a zombie or vampire or something and starts snarling at her. His best shot is so-so.

“This is me showing ENERGY!”

Feministephanie goes next., with absolutely no commentary from the photographer or anyone else.

Yeah, I don’t have anything to say about it either.

Aryn is next. She loved her shoot and is hoping for a good reaction from the judges.

Teacher’s Pet Jacki, as we’ve come to expect, gets stellar reviews. Sarah calls Jacki was a bolt of energy.

Beautiful Frankie’s hair has been straightened. He’s the only one to really work the harness, and Sarah loves it.

Perry is Zoolandering again, and I’m instantly annoyed. Then he pulls a Dom and starts bitching about how uncomfortable he was in the harness.

I swear to god during Hollitie Portman’s shoot, they are playing a remix of the Ghostbusters theme song.

“I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.”

Shannon has a gorge dress. She doesn’t complain about her junk in the harness. Point She-annon!

The makeup people have puffed Katy’s hair out like she’s about to compete in a Miss Texas pageant.

“World peace, y’all!”

Jay says he feels like James Brown. He smiles too much in his shot. Smiling is not high fashion, Jay. It isn’t even low fashion.

Casey’s best shot looks kinda Bowie-esque, but Sarah has nothing to say about it.

And our favorite douchebag Dominic is bringing up the rear. Sarah loves his looks but his performance wasn’t great. That’s what she said!

After the shoot, the models go to another runway lesson with Galliano’s muse Debbie Butterface and, as promised they take everyone’s measurements.

Uh-oh, Katy. She’s gained a few inches in her boobs since last week, and Corey is not happy. Fortunately, Butterface gives her a free pass by saying she’s probably on the rag. Or pregnant.

Aryn, on the other hand, must have had her Aunt Flo visit during the initial measurement, because she’s lost 2.5″ off her boobs and waist. Corey and Butterface are concerned, and Aryn says she’s been running and hasn’t touched bread. Feministephanie shoots daggers at Aryn with her eyes. Gloria Steinem would be rolling in her grave. If she were dead, I mean.

Ben’s gained an inch or two, to rave reviews. He says he’s been working out with Ronnie, who promptly turns purple. Someone has a man crush!!

The crew gets home and tries to sabatoge Katy by making a big, greasy family dinner.

Do you think there’s enough lard in here yet?

Over dinner, the group plays a sixth-grade sleepover type game, where they write down questions for everyone to answer. The question of who is the weakest model comes up. This is the best part of any modeling show: when one of the models has been given some good feedback and totally cops a tude with anyone she finds inferior. Jacki, high on praise from Niki and Tyson, pipes right up and says Aryn and her bird face are the weakest. Apparently, all that running and bread-avoiding has given Aryn a case of the low self-esteems. Predictably, Aryn takes it personally and goes running for her Dexatrim and laxatives.

Ronnie, our other judge/photographer/and fan-favorite says the judges are right – Dominic sucks. Even meek little Katy gangs up and says he complains too much. Dominic says he likes the criticism, and it makes him stronger.

Frankie reads off the question, “who do you think is most attractive in the house?” Ronnie says Feministephanie is the most beautiful.

Huh?

He goes on to say everyone already knows which of the guys he has the biggest chubby for. Then he blushes again and says Ben is a total hottie. Ben is a good sport about it and returns the compliment. Then they go upstairs and make out.

The next morning is panel time. Everyone assembles backstage and Niki greets them with their assignment. They are to show fun and attitude in their walk.

The designers come in, and it’s Heatherette today. Yay! One of the designers says the brand is all about Hollywood and New York, playing a role, living the dream. Since this sounds exactly like Beautiful Frankie’s audition tape, he’ll probably take it. In any case, the clothes are DOPE.

And it’s lights, camera, action, go! Apparently, Heatherette has drawn inspiration this season from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. With Jay in the role of the Blaster part of MasterBlaster.

We don’t need another hero.

Aryn said her goal for this week was to show her personality and have fun. Shannon thought she did well, and was bein’ all sassy. I say the point goes to She-annon for use of the word sassy. Wait. Gay guys say that a lot two. Let’s just call this one a draw.

Dom thinks he did mediocre, which I think is generous. His walk has more unsightly bounce than Katy’s thighs. And then we have our piece de resistance: Beautiful Frankie dressed as some kind of tribal medicine man.

Let me heal you.

Hollitie Portman gives a little Betty Boop dip, which the judges eat up, and then it’s time for questions!

Corey says Dom stills needs to work on his walk. Dom, blameless as ever, says he’s never worn cowboy boots or spurs. I’d be willing to bet that sweet little Jay has never worn dominatrix gear before, but you don’t hear him complaining.

Niki asks Ronnie how things are going. He says he misses his parents and I fall in love with him a little more. Tyson asks him who in the house he’s crushing on. He confesses that he has the hots for Ben. Niki says they’re bosom buddies, and Corey fires back with, “more like prison buddies.” LOL, Corey!!

They ask Katy the bitchiest three-way-calling-without-telling-you-who-else-is-on-the-line question: who should be up for vote this week and why. She says that Dominic isn’t progressing, Casey’s walk hasn’t improved, and Bird Face has poor self-confidence.

It’s time for the judges to talk it out, and it’s the same old same old. Katy’s not high fashion, Teacher’s Pet Jacki is universally good, Ben looks stiff and uncomfortable. Dominic’s stiff and boring, Ronnie is a great kid (totes!), Jay is doing a tiny bit better, but it’s not enough.

They bring seven models back out, still in their apocalypto-gear.

Aryn showed the most improvement and is excused. Ronnie is consistently great, and may leave the catwalk. And of course, our Teacher’s Pet Jacki is this week’s winner!

And after the longest ad ever for Millionaire Matchmaker…

Punky Brewster, you don’t look so good.

…we’re back with the rest of the results! Jay is excused, and it’s perennial losers Dom and Katy, plus Ben whose fates are up for America to decide! I’m saying next week Dominic and his piss-poor attitude will go. I don’t know if he has been this much of a douche all along, but the editing this week is really making him look bad. I bet viewers are going to want to give Katy one more chance to lay off the Twinkies, and probably want to see if Ben ever puts out for Ronnie. You’re outta there, Dom!

Shannon Tally:

She-annon – 3

Mannon – 1

This episode says Shannon’s has a vadge! But what will the next episode hold? Meet me next week, same time, same place to find out!