Make Me a Supermodel: Schitz and Giggles.

Make me a supertease

This week on Bravo’s MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL, the models do a weird, netty underwater shoot. Salome overcomes her fear of the water (thanks, Mennonite parents!) and Branden gets cockier than ever when faced with not having the best photo. The go-see is for People’s Revolution, and Salome is also stifling her career with her tremendous ass. Then some beer pong and drinky-drinks go down and the drama that is Amanda and Gabe becomes a little more ridiculous. The catwalk is about the elements, too, with women dressed as red hot ladie-fires and the men in cool, whitish suits. Yeah, baby!

Hey Bitches- sorry for the late recap, I was busy wrestling water bison for the Smirnoff Vodka fortune. And hey, I won. So, I’m gonna have a lot of free time to do shit like court hot men and write recaps. Don’t you worry!

Anyhoo, we start this episode with Gabriel wondering why he’s always in the BOTTOM. Yeah, big fucking mystery. Hug Amanda and keep wondering with that glorious vacant pout of yours.

At the same time, everyone’s reeling over the loss of their precious CJ, who Gabe jokes about. “She will be missed…just kidding. She’s not going to be missed.” Good one, Gabe!

Like a typical model morning, Jonathan reads the next photo shoot email…apparently he’s the only one who can read, or at least use a computer, because he always seems like the computer-to-model go-between. Oh Jonathan- you aren’t just a model! You’re an ambassador of weekly challenges!

No, silly. Computers won’t work under water.

Sorry, I mean the challenge is something that has to do with being underwater. of course, Ex-mennonite freaks because water’s the devil’s chambermaid. Or, some shit like that. Starburst is happy in his creepy little way, because he’s “water people.” Whatever that means, Mr. Sea Monkey.

Meanwhile, the models truck out to some random backyard.

Looks like Wisconsin.

Nicole and Tyson look like disinterested Russian bourgeoisie. Oh, except for Tyson. He’s black, so that doesn’t have much historical congruence.

My Bad.

Actually, Tyson looks a lot like those HIV test billboards with Blair Underwood on them. I mean, they’re both attractive black men with smarmy leather jackets on and take themselves way to seriously.

For the whole billboard, stop by Hollywood and Highland.

But I digress. And hey, looks like we have a new awkward looking eighth grader to pick up where CJ left off….

Still life with Kerryn, 8th grader and Angrier-face eskimo

Tyson and Nicole introduce the models to Howard Schatz…unfortunate last name. Heh. heh. When he’s doing his underwater photo shoots, do people jokingly yell, “Somebody, Schatz in the pool! Please, somebody Schatz in the pool!” heh. Yeah, whatever, he shot for the New Yorker. I’m classy.

Schatz gets in the pool (heheheh) and teaches the models to breath underwater, right after he teaches them how to regrow limbs and make a non-fat snickers bar. You know, they need to be ready for their fashion-y shoot with bright colored nets, right?

Salome is having a hard time, and Gabe and Amanda make fun of her.

No, you guys, really. She was like, coughing and stuff!

Colin is glad that the models don’t have to wear bathing suits, “Not because we don’t have bathing suit bodies.” Ah, Colin, you really are learning the snarkiness that defines the modeling industry.

Jonathon goes first, and naturally blows the competition out of the water. Get it? Well, mostly just Salome, who was weeping poolside. It’s weird, though, because Jonathan always seems to get photos where he looks angry. Don’t y’all think?

wrestling match with a yellow net. Click! Pretty.

Starburst is next, but before he goes of course he creepily whispers Tobaganese sayings into Salome’s ear.

Mind if I whisper at you and clutch your ass before my shoot?

Starburst gets a big ‘ol net for, I dunno, his heritage as being a “water person?” Amanda is next, and, as usual, performs with grace and fastidiousness.

Cameramen, watch your fingers.

Lovely Colin goes after Amanda, I’d get in under a net in a pool any day. Yeah, with my famous hyperventilation technique. Use your imagination, people!

Muahahaha is next, and does a good ‘ol sexy job. I know, right? Mouhahaha, sexy? Brandon parlays his own sense of uh, individuality into the shot next. Schitz tells him to look pretty, and of course, that’s what he does best, BITCH! Man, this kid is a Rhodes Scholar.

Brandon looks like a dead constipated soldier in his picture, which I guess is….sexy?

Meh.

Kerryn says some shit about every girl wanting to float through her dream state, or something, and that, uh, they’re sorta kinda getting a reality of that? I guess so, complete with an old man with a camera. Wha? I’m confused. Is Colin flummoxing you, little girl? Just do a pretty picture for like, your inner child or something. right? Geez.

Last but not least, Salome McSwimsalot. .She’s determined, for sure, even though she’s got the drowned rat vibe going for her.

Back in the water? Are you serious? Christ.

She does pretty well, though. Gabe, always putting a positive spin on getting shat on week to week, decides that “the judges see something special in them and he’s going to show them more.” Nice. Schitz tries to put his disappointment politely when he says that Gabe has a “naturally enigmatic face.” SO SHOW SOME FUCKING EMOTION. Geez.

the man held down by his pout

Angrier-face is politely called ugly by Schitz, and Jordan tries to give Schitz “sexy fun.” Hmmm- okay, okay, Jordan is talented. If she wasn’t so much of a bitch, you know, I might actually be rooting for her. And that’s the shoot.

Back at the house, Amanda doesn’t think she can give her kid a good life without making it as a model. Hmmm, might want to think up a plan B, perhaps, when the “deer in the headlights” look goes out of style. Gabe, showing absolutely no emotion whatsoever, tries to comfort her with his monotone voice and pout. Erg. I don’t even know why she likes him. Maybe she has a thing for the semi-comatose? It’s a mystery to me.

The next morning, Gabe and Jonathan work out while Brandon ketchups his bacon. Just a normal day in a model house, right?

A normal, Sodium-Saturated day.

Nicole shows the models their photos, but not without Brandon getting a semi and a word in first about Nicole’s foxiness. We get it, we get it, you wanna do her like the rest of America.

Brandon loves his dead soldier photo, Gabe (as usual) is not too crazy about his photo. NO SHIT. Hey, newsflash: It’s because you suck, and you suck hard.

Even underwater!

Gabe’s criticism of himself is that he could LOOK A LITTLE PRETTIER IN THE PICTURE. So, uh, are you saying you should POUT MORE? My god man, you’re delusional and should pack your bags now. Just pack ‘em. give Angrier-face some room for her sports bras and booty shorts, mmmmkay?

Speaking of Angrier-face. her shot? Meh.

A little less angry. You know, in the face.

Jordan’s picture has cool colors, but I feel like she’s just…confused. But I guess I’m in the minority, because everyone digs it.

???

Colin’s picture is also fawned over, but his hands look sorta floppy looking, if you ask me. Like he has flippers, or something. And, like he’s Jordan’s confused trapped sea monkey brother.

Glub Glub?

Nicole thinks the shot is going to get Colin laid.

What??? You said the “L” word! That’s a one way ticket to the Bonerama at the Bonerville Bonerplex Boner-dome!

In a testament to Colin’s delightful cluelessness, he wishes he could put his photo on a business card and hand it out to ladies in bars. Yeah, because nothing says fuck me now like an awkward fish-man handing out pictures of himself at the local pub.

I actually sort of dig the drama in Salome’s picture, and that she’s happy she isn’t dead. Oh, Mennonites! What will they do next???

Get trapped underwater in a net.

Amanda’s sick of hearing about how Salome conquered her fears. Now, more about Amanda. Right?

Cory Bautista calls and asks to speak to….Jordan. Wow, she’s gonna not stop talking about this, eh? Angrier-face and Amanda are a little intimidated by Jordan, as they should be, though I don’t think they should fear her as much as Kerryn. She gets a go-see at People’s revolution and she brings…Salome. Cool choice, actually, though also I bet Jordan wants to beat her. And, Salome agrees! Don’t ever say having the fattest ass in the house never got you anywhere, Saloms.

Branden, pouty about not being the bestest, bitches about Jordan getting the go-see and not him. Ugh. Good, get upset Branden. Cry. No, you aren’t gay if you cry about not getting a pretty model shoot at a jeans company. No way!

Then, in an AWESOME conversation, Jordan thinks everyone’s getting a big head and implores Salome to tell her if she ever gets too egotistical. HAHAHAHA. If I could turn back time, I’d tell you that episode 1, Jordan!

Uhhh…no. You’re, uh…uh….are we at the go-see yet, chauffeur???

At People’s Revolution, Jordan and Salome strut their stuff. Jordan looks a lot like an anime character when she walks.

Are you sure you aren’t a japanese boy?

Salome, on the other hand, didn’t “fit the swimsuit” the way the people’s revolution thought she would. Yeah, that’s fashion code for fat-ass alert.

I’m still a hero! I went underwater this week!

People’s Revolution decides to go with the not-so-fat-ass girl, Jordan. You know, the one with the tiny ego. Miss Modest. Salome supports Jordan and is all polite n’ shit. I love that it makes Salome want to work out. Poor Salome!

That night, everyone eats and the drinks start flowing. Here’s a really dumb-looking shot of Angrier face, by the way….

Pretty?

So the drinking starts, with Jordan the party pooper calling out who she thinks will get drunk. Hmmm…who will it be….

Insert any variety of jokey captions here. Cripes.

Beer Pong is an all inclusive game, so we can’t leave out Angrier-face’s twat, right?

No we cannot. Right, Colin?

But fun games go drunkenly bad as someone makes fun of Amanda being stupid, well it’s Jonathan. AFTER Gabe bounced a ping pong ball of her head. Of course, she goes to her room to whine and hope Gaby-Baby comes to comfort her. And then they fight some more? Man, I’m confused. Cripes, drunk dumb people are…drunk and dumb. Jordan, acting like the ugly goth girl who never gets laid and mistakenly got invited to the popular-girl party, bitches about how ridiculous they are. And, they are, but still, Jordan needs to not be such a BITCH.

It’s funny how this show could ideally be filmed in three days- the shoot, the go-see and the catwalk-elimination. But no, a whole week?

The next morning, it’s catwalk time and Nicole looks like she picked up her outfit at one of my favorite stores, Hot Topic. Ever notice how that store and a lot of the other stores in the mall smelled like teenage fart? yeah, that was me.

Clearance rack.

For the runway, the ladies will be dressed up as fire. You know what would be simpler than making them up? Just bathe them in lighter fluid and light a match! It’s SO couture.

And the men? Are in…suits? With clean lines? I guess that’s icy. Whatever.

David Ralph comes in to coach the models how to walk…again. Didn’t they get this tutorial like five times already? I dunno. Salome gets better, and David recognizes the meat-headishness of Branden. Heh heh. For Gabe, David is seeing “a house but the lights aren’t on. Oh, and the house is pouting. What gives?” I do like how Jonathan even has something to learn. Yeah, Mr. Perfect! Eat it!

At the actual fashion show thing that isn’t a fashion show, everyone has a bit more confidence because of the coach and…I dunno. Probably just the coach. The judges do NOT dig Brandon, who has egoism out the wazoo.

My Pukey-face!

Salome is wearing the most revealing dress, accentuating her ass fat. You know, Salome was right- this isn’t her emotional episode, it’s her ass-fat showcase episode.

Bam!

Jordan looks like a librarian who mistakenly stuck her finger in an electrical socket.

I can feel your chances for immunity slipping away…..and I like it.

Gabriel’s walk is…the same. Man. Mouhahaha looks like Salome in her dress.

Enough ass for a family of five!

Alexander Hertchcovitch joins the judges for panel. I think I’ve met him before, on like a playground. Yeah, he had a big unmarked van and a bigger grin on his face.

And lots of Nazi Paraphenalia.

Oh wait, he’s not german. He’s Brazilian. And, he’s communicating with Mouhaha. Weird. Tyson calls Salome, Angrier-face, Starburst, Mouuhahaha, Gabriel, Kerryn and Branden to stay put for interrogation time. They tell Starburst he’s doing well with better pictures and taking the judge’s advice. Salome is called “girlfriend attractive” but not fashion model attractive and that weird angry cockney photographer likes her “slinky-moves.” Ugh.

Jordan is chastised for her weirdo walk but they like her picture. Brandon is called an “ego-crazy” maniac…but his brilliant defense is that he misunderstood the directions. Riiight. Gabriel doesn’t move his fucking face as much, and basically is preemptively sent home. His picture is called okay. Angrier-face has….an angry fucking face. that’s it. Cased closed, sherlock.

Jenny Shimizu tells Angrier face to think of Soft Bunnies. Uh, okay.

The judges dig Mouhahaha, especially that creep-o guest judge who keeps talkin’ all Brazilian to her.

Then the judges ask Tyson who should stay or be let go, and Tyson says let that pouty lame-ass Gaby Baby Go. Nicole likes Jordan, and thinks she is most ready for the industry. In terms of pettiness and bitchiness, I certainly agree.

Then, the judges deliberate…and guess what? They all hate Gabriel. No shit!

He’s just so…pouty!

The judges, like myself, see absolutely nothing of merit in Angrier-face, too. Okay, okay, Jenny thinks she’s getting better. Sorry. Branden is totally sour in the judges eyes because he’s a friggin egomaniac. Jordan had a weirdo walk. Salome is praised, but the weirdo guest judge says her head doesn’t fit her puffy-ass body.

The judges are thinking of giving Starburst immunity, but decide that he’s just sort of…good. Not getting better. Mouhahaha is praised, too.

Back at elimination, Jordan is saved. Starburst and Mouhahaha get praised. Mouhahaha is safe and Starburst gets immunity!

And the losers….Salome is safe, and Angrier-face gets saved as well. Insert look of worry on Amanda’s face as she sees all the people entering the safety zone.

And—-GABY BABY GOES HOME. FINALLY! (All rejoice but Amanda)

Next time, a double elimination! Yes yes yes. I’ll be watching!