Make Me a Supermodel: Butts, Bubbles and Butterflies

This week: Salome works on a gut to match her ass

Make Me A Supermodel is all about bare-assedness this week… too bad Gabe isn’t here. They do a nude photo shoot to showcase accessories and rock-hard abs, and then the models get back to their usual activity: bitching about each other. Jonathan has money issues somewhere in between, and A Bangs give valuable lessons on child-rearing. Ugh. The catwalk is all about wearing tight clothes and plastic bubble things…I love how much these contestants get TORTURED! BWA HA HA!

Ahh, the naked episode. So many reality traditions revolve around nudity, and Bravo’s Make Me A Supermodel is no exception.

Anyhoo, this episode beings with Starburst and Jonathan talking about how they miss Cullen. Uh, I mean, Colin. The rest of the models Sorry, couldn’t hear the remorse under all that hunky British accent. A Bangs is mad because she’s in the bottom, like, and it, like, so totally sucks. Like, so much so, like, my eyes are, like bulging out like I’m a big ‘ol kewpie doll.

Or a Frantic PTA mom?

So, she’s gonna step up her game? I guess so. At the mysterious computer message, the models hear that their next photo shoot is “all about the little things.” Hmmm….Salome immediately thinks of Brownie bites, while I think that they’re going to do a photo shoot with A Bangs’ brain cells. That’d be fun!

Next is a gratuitous montage of the models utilizing public transportation and trendy eyewear. Come on, really? Are we that stupid that the editors need to tell us that the models don’t use some sort of futuristic (possibly holographic) transport system a la star trek? Geez.

When they get to the studio, Tyson and Nicole are there. DUH! Tyson starts by saying how accessories are a huge part of modeling.

And sometimes, they are just huge.

The models have thirty secs to select an accessory. Brandon, once you select it, you cannot eat it. Just, making sure you understand the terms and conditions of this challenge.

Mmm…that tie reminds me of my favorite pork product….

Starburst picks the O.J. Gloves. Classy.

There was no white bronco on the table, so I went for the next best thing.

Jordan chooses a ridiculously large white handbag.

The best part is, it sleeps a family of five!

Jonathan has a gay purple scarf and Brandon has his bacon. Er, tie. Salome picks some hooker-y earrings and Mouhahaha gets those damned tranny heels. A Bangs has a black scarf-thing (well put, Amanda). Then, Tyson introduces the mods to their photographer, Bill Diadato. I dunno, just some guy, nothing funny about him, except for his weird shirt. I dunno. He seems normal, I guess.

But what isn’t normal is how Tyson presents what they will be wearing….pulling down a black clothes rack sheet to reveal….

Another black sheet with a rack!

Undoubtedly, Amanda thinks that they’ll be wearing cast iron and black burlap. Brandon thinks they’ll be wearing the clotheshangers. Oh, models, come on! You’re going to get NEKKID! I absolutely love how Branden immediately regrets his choice of tie. A Bangs is like, really, like superglad she picked a scarf.

You don’t understand, like, we’re posing in like, the NUDE!

A Bangs is super insecure with her body, surprise surprise. Man, that girl is perfect model material. Everyone starts to disrobe and psyche themselves up for their nude shoot…some in weirder ways than others.

For example, Mouhahaha likes to rub one out.

Brandon likes to pretend he’s a stroke victim

Oh, but wanna hear something rich, and possibly the stupidest, most ignorant think I’ve ever heard? Man, I don’t even want to repeat it to you guys for fear the repetition will make you all dumber by association. Still, it’s so fucking unbelievable I sort of have to.

Amanda says…

“I’m really really open with my son, like, I don’t want him to become, like, I mean, like, no offense, like, GAY when he’s older, so I’m like always like, NAKED in front of him now, so I’m absolutely not nervous.”

Okay, holy shit.

There are SO MANY things wrong with A Bangs and her fucking statement, I don’t even know where to begin. I’m sorry if you’ve lost brain cells by reading it. Really, my apologies.

Ugh, anyhow, the photographer asks the models, ahem, ahem, make sure they’re trimmed, uh, ahem ahem, down THERE. Of course, Brandon is not, so he promptly goes into the back room and nicks his little teenage testes. Oh Brandon!

Creepily, Starbursts asks Brandon if a stain on his robe is “from the blood from his testicles.” Man, why is Starburst so skeezy sometimes? Maybe its his accent, but he makes me wanna call a social worker.

Uh, no, I uh, it’s blood from a really manly fight I was in….

Jonathan goes first, who (of course) is cool as a cucumber. Man, why don’t they just stop this show now and give him the money and the contract, for chrissakes?

The ass of a champion

Although, he sorta looks like a gawky, muscular goose in this shoot. Am I right?

Honk honk

His picture is okay…a little to “artistic” for my taste. I can show you some great nude shots, just step into my van over here. Ah, but I digress. Mouhahaha is next, and she looks like a little gay boy who found his alcoholic Mommie’s stripper heels.

But, with weirder hair.

Man, Mouhahaha looks so awkward and undignified scuttling around trying not to get ass juice on her shoes. Modeling isn’t so glamorous as one might think, I suppose (see aformentioned nutsack incident). I sorta dig her photo, though.

Ba Donk

Salome is next, and Amanda says that “for the biggest girl to choose the smallest accessory is kind of ironic.” Ugh, Amanda, you are spewing stupid all over this reality show. Do you know what irony means? What else do you use to ward evil gay spirits away from your son? You should be shot.

Salome is next, and looks like she’s an extra in some sort of expeirmental, community college version of cabaret.

Or, just porn.

Salome rocks it, and Starburst is next, and man, he looks super creepy naked in gloves. Seriously.

Erg.

Jordan goes after the African god that is creep-a-licious starburst, complete with her gigantic bag. Jordan looks like a naked nancy drew, for real.

Off to catch the nudist camp caper!

A Bangs is next, and rocking her trashy, dumb, sex kitten look. Ugh.

A Bangs: modeling at its most redneck.

Nicole half-assedly (HA, no pun intended!) tells A Bangs that she was brave for baring her junk in front of everyone. Yawn. Brandon is next and he looks fucking BIZARRE with his tie and weird facial expressions.

What’s that photographer doing here?

The photographer wants to kill himself, Brandon is doing so shittily! Oy Veh. The photographer is so pissed in fact that he takes Tyson aside and tells him he wants to stab Brandon. Well, close. Commence sentimental “Brandon’s Mom” montage, where he’s doing this for her, blah blah blah, she’s the best, blah blah blah, I love her. Seriously, just learn how to turn. Oh man, then he starts to CRY!

Yeesh, this is uncomfortable.

Back at the ranch, Jordan is doing what she does best: badmouthing A Bangs. It still irks me, even though A bangs pisses me off.

Pretty.

The next morning, Nicole brings over the photos. Jonathan digs his, because…

…of his killer smile

Salome’s pic is great, though- even though it’s true that her picture is curiously lacking in the ass department. Mouhahaha and Starburst dig their pics, too, though Brandon is hoping his will keep him here, aka away from his mommy a week longer. A Bangs doesn’t like her picture, but Jordan likes hers. Cory calls and….

SALOME SNAGS ANOTHER GO-SEE! Wow, looks like ass was unnecessary! Apparently, she has some en-vitro ad campaign. Hey, maybe they need big girls? No seriously, though, it is cool that she won this shit. Salome picks Jordan to go with her…yeesh, apparently, Salome digs trash talkin.’

And they both bitch, bitch bitch about being in the same house with the same people. At least Salome admits she’s annoyed of jordan. Jordan, of course, can’t imagine anyone being annoyed with her because she is perfect, of course! And then Salome eats a hunk of green something before her go-see. Classy!

Shh! Don’t tell anyone I’m eating this parakeet.

At the house, A Bangs does some bitching of her own to Starburst. Starburts’ response to A Bangs having the weakest picture? “You want this, right? well, ya know?” Man, Starburst should be a therapist. Then they hold each other on a gigantic pillow.

Sponsored by IKEA

Back to En Vitro, where Jordan and Salome have their go see…the place looks suspiciously like Ikea.

Our Balsa Wood Line

Oddly enough, there are ACTUALLY other models there for the job. WHa? This is reality tv, but it’s not, like, actually supposed to be REAL. Salome is dramatic and Jordan is…sculptural? I don’t get it. Jordan is the “frontrunner,” but neither of them seem to do particularly well…more of a “we’ll call you.” Thanks, en vitro.

At the house, Starburst talks shit about Salome’s walk and Brandon sings that he doesn’t like Salome. Yow! A Bangs bitches about how Salome doesn’t book shit. Man, that’s calling the kettle black, eh, bug eyes? Then Salome and Jordan walk in…busted, bitches! Jordan, little do people know, will crush people who bring drama.

Really? I hope you can wipe your own face off of the bottom of your stilettos, bitch!

Meanwhile, Jonathan calls Mrs. Jonathan and she says that their finances are down the toilet. Whooops! Guess all that dough Jonathan saved up being a Janitor didn’t exactly make ends meet for the fam. For added sympathy, the editors show lots of shots of Jonathan’s wedding band…aww.

Still life with Crotch and Wedding band.

Jonathan basically says he’s got to win the show. Or, you know, play lots of online poker and hope for the best.

The next day at judging n’ Runway, Nicole shows up with some personal space issues.

Can’t be too careful- swine flu!

Turns out, the models are gonna wear big plastic orbs for their catwalk, and tight skanky clothes. But that’s not all! There will be butterflies in the bubbles! OHHHHHH! Oh yeah…

A Bangs looks like shit.

The clothes are very American Apparel meets cirque de soliel. With butterfly orb things. The ‘burst goes first….

Sex and Monarchs sell.

Jordan’s hippy walk seems super awkward, and she keeps bitching about how the ball-orb-thing was cutting into her fucking neck and her shoes…blah blah blah. Branden has a David Bowie-eque outfit complete with see-through shirt and butterflies.

These Butterflies better not be gay.

Overall, everyone seemed to look uncomfortable. After the runway, Starburst is grilled first, and is told to SEX IT UP! Eww. I think that means more creepy comments. Jonathan is next, and thought that being naked felt liberating. Everyone likes him, but Perou said good equals safe. And that is SUCKY! Yowch. For Salome the judges love the picture but hated the last pose on the runway. Catherine Malandrino said her head would explode if she had Salome get all posey on the runway like that.

A Bangs is generally disappointing. Duh. Salome giggles as A Bangs makes excuses, and Salome actually eloquently explains the giggle factor and how there’s no room for excuses in modeling. Wohoo, Saloms! Catherine Malandrino told Jordan her walk was the best (what?) but her picture was the worst. Jordan, of course, backtalks that she likes the picture. Catherine says Jordan “gives her nothing, but all she sees is an EN ORMOUUUHHHS BAHG, a leetle girl, veehrery sheeye that I blinded.” Man, foreign people talk funny, right?

Jenny Shimizu worries, too, that Jordan is fading into the background. Jordan hides in her enormous white bag and cries.

Branden’s picture is stinky, too, and the judges need some more strength from Brando. Mouhahha was focused but did shitty in the photo by moving too much.

Tyson and Nicole both are disappointed by the men and women’s performances, respectfully. Sick the butterflies on them!

At deliberation, there is more talk about Jonathan playing it safe, Salome’s ass, and Mouhahaha being a stand-out. Starburst is growing and A Bangs is BORING and TALENTLESS. Branden’s runway was bad, and his photography is bad, and he had more character when he was a cocky frat boy. Anyhoooooo……

This catwalk theme: Gay Native Americans.

Mouhahaa is safe, Jonathan is safe, and the ‘burt wins this week. Jordan and Salome are safe….which leaves Brandon and A Bangs.

And a whole lot of pleather.

The judges are afraid A Bangs is forgettable (she is) and that Branden has no confidence (he doesn’t).

In the end….

.A BANGS GETS THE BOOT!

This is like Jordan’s christmas, and now A Bangs can go back to teaching her kid not to be gay. UGH!