Make Me A Supermodel: Undaunted Bitterness

…it’s like Stephen Ambrose nonfiction, only bustier.

Exploring exotic western openings since America’s birth

Ughhh, you guys, I am in SUCH a bitchy mood, I’m tempted to tell you who got booted in this intro and call this motherf***er a night. God giveth and god taketh away, and motherfu***rs, though I am an unfair, menstruating god who does the latter, I’ll be kind and not blow my load in paragraph one. Instead, I’ll be recapping Make Me A Supermodel with an extra dose of cynicism and tangential banter. You like that, you sickos, dontcha??? Yes, I’m talking to all four of you, especially Juddfan.

Last week, the models got butt-naked. This week, getting rowdy? Sounds fucking lame.

Anyhoo, the episode starts with Mouhahaha running on a treadmill. YAWN.

Make Me A Supermodel: A real snorefest

For realz, whose dick do I have to suck to see some dick suckage? And you know what, I’m not ashamed to say it: I miss Amanda and Gabriel, for all their awkward highschoolishness. Fuck em, but let’s see some fucking before this show becomes like my grandpa: comatose, flaccid and smelling like he just wet himself.

Jonathan thinks the top three will be Jordan, Starburst and himself. Yeah, if you can keep your wife and kid clothed and fed for the rest of the show’s duration. Honestly, who- as breadwinner- doesn’t leave their family provided for while they gallivant on a reality tv show?

This tool, that’s who.

They get one of those dumbass emails about their next shoot being “rowdy.” Ok. Someone wake Brandon up, mmmkay?

Or at least ward away demon-spirits with a gigantic mirror

According Mouhahhaa, there isn’t time for Bacon and coca cola for Brandon. Man, shut up Mouhahaha- the only thing this boy has LEFT is bacon and coca cola, minus the bacon that that dykey trainer took away.

the back end of Mouhahhaa looking dumb.

At the rooftop of some scuzzy building, Nicole and Tyson both look fucking ridiculous. I mean, first off: Tyson, what the fuck is with you wearing the gayest biker chick shit you can possibly find? You look like a burgular in the thirties. And, nicole? I’m pretty sure you killed some drag queen to achieve the ultimate look of unadulterated, morbid gaudiness of your day’s outfit.

Hate these people

Today is all about pleasing your client and selling a brand. Yeah? Because other days are mostly about looking dumb and fucking up go-sees.

As they introduce the next designer whom they will be working for, Salome (of course) makes an allusion to her lame mennonite-ness.

Yes. And fornicate. Also, listen to records. Comb your hair, bitch!

Dallas Austin comes out, with the faggiest set of names this side of the Mississippi. God, come on! I bet his real name is Marty Abromowitz or Gaylord Cuntz.

Dullis Ass-tan

His clothes are super fucking hot topic, in the guise of words like “Mad Max” (reference, appreciated, I’m sure, by these models), sex pistols and Gwen Stefani.

Uh, What’s “London?” P.S. Brush your hair, bitch!

Mouhaha is excited because she’s already dressed herself as a gay 8th grader from Manchester.

Hey Mom, I smoked my first cigarette!

Brandon thinks the shoot is gonna be “badass.” Too bad you aren’t a good model. Boo hoo!

With a dumbass Faux Hawk. Very Punk Rock.

He can’t wait to Rock N’ Roll N’ Jump N’ Hump, while Patrick Anderson gets introduced and looks like my old theatre professor in Chicago. Yeah, fuck you guys- I got an awesome education, despite writing freelance. An MFA, to be exact. And, by freelance I mean weekly for free, through tvgasm. Somebody shoot me.

My old Theatre Professor tells the models to forget posed modeling and just fuck shit up. Ok, I’m down. I love fucking shit up. I love being photographed while doing it, too. Yeah, paper trails!

The boys go first, which causes controversy among…ahem, the bitchier girls. Still, they look fucking ridiculous.

Apparently, Rowdy means eyeliner an white keds

It’s like they’re the cast of Cats, only faggier. And, generally, less talented.

So not gay

Groan

God, these pictures look so. dumb. Starburst thinks Jonathan is his biggest competition. Maybe…just be your creepy ass dancer self, starburst, and you’ll be just fine.

Dumb

Brandon gets pissed that my Theatre Professor pulls Brandon out and starts shooting dumb pictures with Jonathan.

What? You gonna cry to Mommy?

Also, Starburst looks like a gay black Pirate. Him and Tyson should date and have nicely muscled babies with well defined cheekbones.

The Brandon grab

And again, little Brandon gets pulled outta the shot.

Boo-ya!

Finally, the girls jump in, and look slightly less ridiculous, despite Mouhahaha showing her boy-tits.

Rowdy…sorta.

My Theatre Professor fingers Jordan out (heh heh) as the cute, Brooding chick. No shit.

Crimped hair and Chucks. Revolutionary.

Blah blah blah Jordan’s always been a loner. Drone on about it, why don’t you?

I will. Boo hoo, my life.

Salome is jealous that Jordan can work it in front of the camera. So? Starburst is wearing blinders.

Very dignified

Brandon gets all down on himself for not having talent to Starburst, and starburst doesn’t know what to say, presumably because he’s too disappointed that he looks like a fucking idiot. Oh Brandon, at least you don’t have to wear blinders.

Just eyeliner and a dumb trucker hat.

Can anyone say date rapist? Hey, maybe that’s the look that Rowdy is going for.

Speaking of rape, how are the girls doing?

Ah. Sorry I asked.

Salome likes to maneuver herself in front of women for the shot. Sounds…rowdy? Then the girls let their little titties out and balance on the side of the building.

Super Scardey-models

Also, I bet Jordan’s pubes look just like her crimped hair. Just sayin.’

The Pube Triplets

And a bit of Areola, just for giggles.

Insert creepy side comment about Salome’s body by Starburst, and we have a photo shoot, folks!

All in a Day’s Twerk

Back at the ranch, Jonathan thinks he’s gonna be in two or three of the images. Hah. Brandon weeps like a fucking baby, because everyone is sooootalented. God, go back to North Dakota, or wherever you’re from.

Mommy!

NIcole comes around and brings her book of dumb, rowdy photos. Brandon hits on Nicole (who could probably be his mom) and then they talk about the shoot. Salome and Jordan bitch about not getting enough time to shoot because of hair and makeup. Nicole promptly shuts them down, though.

First off is that midly inappropriate areola shot.

Uhhh….

Then a homeless-looking group shot and then another of Salome looking hooker-ish.

This one will make Mennonite news, probably.

Then there’s Brandon looking homeless….

Mommy….

And Starburst looking like a spider-monkey…

Eyepatch-tastic

And another of the gruesome threesome. Jonathan is pissy that he’s only in one group shot, with his eyes clothes.

Cory calls chez model, and SALOME wins it (again). She takes Mouhahahaha while the other models get makeovers. Man, the show has gotten that boring that they need makeovers again. Wow.

In other news, Starburst has a face fungus.

Cory comes to measure the models before they get some hair styling and shit. Salome’s ass is the same, and cries about it.

What kind of god would curse me with such a burdensome ass???

Everyone else seems fine, I guess. On some sort of rooftop, Jonathan and Brandon have a heart to heart about Jonathan’s lack of representations in the Rowdy campaign. I love how Jonathan says he let his family down, and Brandon (the genius that he is) says, “No, you let them UP.” This man is a living poet, folks. Also, he calls Jonathan a “Man-figure.” gay.

Jonathan: Just like having a dad.

At the go-see, the girls are surprised to learn that the designers like girls who are thin with long hair who are pretty. Sorry, ladies. Still, they consider Salome for the summer collection. Ohhh!

At the makeover station in the mall (hah) Jonathan decides to cut his fried locks and go dark brown.

Uhhh….

Jonathan’s hair looks pubey, but not as much as Jordan’s. They suggest extensions and what? Jordan freaks. Aren’t extensions just for ugly people? You know, people with ugly hair? I’m not ugly!

Jordan, trying out her new arm-moustache look.

Mouhahaha and Salome join them and Mouhhahaha gets blonde and Salome gets some more hair.

my life is so hard….

Jonathan looks weird.

but not less pubey

Obviously, everyone’s on board.

And a little left out.

At Judging, Jonathan thinks everyone is looking at him. And, the catwalk is all about urban pieces of cliche. Like, heelies! The models decide whether they wanna use heelies or not. If not, they better fucking bring it. Hah! Really, Salome? No Mennonite comments?

Jordan SUCKS on the heelies, while Salome rocks it. Mouhahahah and Jonathan get it, and everyone seems to catch on quick, which makes Jordan the ice queen even angrier.

First up on the catwalk: Salome! Then, Brandon. My my my, they all look like those asian teenagers who like exotic drinks and fancy phones and anime.

Where’s Andy, Raggety Ann?

Then, a crazy homeless person walks out on the runway. Oops- that’s mouhahah in a yarn wig.

Rapunzel meets clownskank

But I crown Jonathan as the King of Ridiculous. For real.

With the blue-fur muff hat to prove it.

At the panel, the models look like rag-tag freaks. Marlon asks if anyone felt intimidated by anyone, and Brandon pipes up. Then Jenny Chimizu tells some ancient modeling anecdote. Brandon’s runway was praised and Starburst was told that he rocked it. Mouhahaha is called the photo winner, and is also praised for…listening. Wow. Sounds….ridiculous. Marlon tells Jonathan that he’s overmodeling and on the runway he looked….dumb, but in a good way.

Jesus Christ does he look like a dumbass

Marlon has a problem with Salome’s body and Catherine Malandrino dug the runway but Perou thought she was shit. Jordan’s runway ate shit, and the judges thought she should’ve trashed the heelies.

Tyson tells the guys that they aren’t breaking out of their own lame shell into supermodel territory. Nicole tells Jordan she has no soul. And, Nicole is right!

Before they decide who gets the boot, the Judges talk about how Starburst is good, Salome is fat, Mouhahaha…listens and isn’t pretty, Jordan is boring and Brandon is a goofy baby. Jonathan wows the judges with going backwards on the heelies. Meh.

In the end, Brandon is safe and Mouhahah wins immunity. Starburst is safe.

The judges wonder if Salome is a one-face wonder. Jonathan is told he’s overdoing it, and Jordan is mediocre.

Jordan gets the motherfucking BOOT. Good riddance!

Go home and take out your weave.

But she doesnt go without bitching. She bitches about the heelies, about how unlucky she is, and all that bullshit. Nice.