Make Me A Supermodel: Fire and Dick

Amanda would call this baby gay

On the nail-biting finale (and pre-finale) episode of Make Me A Supermodel, shit hits the Flan! I mean fan. I’m on a diet, bitches, leave me ALONE!

Mohahaha, Starburst, Brandon and Jonathan do a fire shoot where they only have like 10 takes. Then they get to do some in-house modeling at Bloomies and Brandon becomes a man. Yes, in that order. In the finale episode, the three remaining models meet with their families and then one is crowned…as….being….made….into…..some type….porkchop sandwich….model. Super.

Hey Bitches! This week’s a two-fer, considering I was busy last week getting my nobel peace prize in awesome. Sorry, folks- that million dollar trust won’t spend itself, am I right? Anyhow, I just got back from the states and boy do I need my fix of recap bitchin.’

So, who is left again? Oh yeah, Starburst, Mouhahah, Jonathan and Brandon. Wow, snoozefest. Still, Starburst wants the judges to know that he doesn’t have the face or soul of an accountant.

I left my 1099′s in the car.

Also, Jonathan finds some of Salome’s clothes…on a kitchen countertop? I’m confused. In a microwave?

These were all set on defrost.

I know, I know, it’s probably a DRYER, folks. But still, it’s kinda weird that it’s right in the kitchen bay, you know what I’m saying?

“Queen Mouhahaha” is really proud to be the last vagina standing. We get it, you love yourself.

An associate of Awesome?

Oh sorry, I mean that she’s queen of the 8th grade boys.

Let’s play soccer and have snacks!

The editors make a big fucking to-do about that weird email coming telling the models about the day’s photo shoot. Eventually it comes, and is “crazy.” A night shoot! Oh my god, I just shit my pants.

So they go to the shoot, and enter this dark building were Starburst- oh Starburst- says that in Scary Movies, the black man always dies first. Fortunately for him, this is just a really boring reality tv competition.

Then, plumes of fire. Brandon wets himself.

I just texted the NYC fire marshall.

Tyson tells the models that they’re all a step closer to them being made into a Supermodel…literally. What Tyson really means is not literally. Tyson, you speak in riddles! Cay Patrick Mcbride comes in looking like a busted up country singer, or at least a short Bret Michaels.

nice fedora, Roman Polanski.

He talks about something…fire? Kiss in it’s prime? Setting some pyro? Is this guy drunk? Drunk people shouldn’t be around fire. THe models only get one chance at taking a picture with a shitload of fire…but by one, we soon learn means like ten shots before the big flames get photographed.

Also, does anyone notice Jonathan is a little more glammy then usual? I think he’s taken to wearing Salome’s eyeliner that she forgot in the toaster oven.

Then the guys all jack off together and get ready for a little pyrosexical work. GET IT? God, guys are so gay.

The ladies agree.

Jonathan goes first, but he’s conflicted because he wants to go crazy and thinks that the judges want to see a tamer side of him. Still, there are FLAMES behind you, for chrissake. Do you really think a lame standing shot is gonna do it?

Jonathan, to get prepped, says the same thing before every shoot: “I’m a father, I’m a provider.” Wow, sexy. And his picture? LACKLUSTER!

Meh.

Brandon is next and goes into a whole spiel about how he’s the only American left. Hmm…any correlation with being the only bacon eater and homophobe?

The photographer warns Brandon to stay pretty, and he doesn’t. The photographer, when asked about the photo shoot, said “the fire looked good.” Erg.

Wonky alert!

I like how the photographer calls brandon “Bra.” SO appropriate. Mouhahaha is up to bat next and she’s striking the SAME weirdo pose for the whole shoot.

Mwahahaha as coathanger

Starburst knows he has to not be so accountant-y, and he brings the crazy. In a weird orgasm-y way.

Starburst: like a homeless man wandered onset.

The next day, Nicole shows them their picture-witctures. Brandon’s looks like he’s Hot Topic model.

Complete with gross faux-hawk.

Jonathan’s safe shot also looks a little hot topic-y, but you know, older and grosser. More international male with an extended budget than anything. Still, he digs his shot.

Leopard Pants, 29.99.

MOuhahah’s picture looks stiff and weird.

Smell my finger

Starburst looks APESHIT. And, not pretty. Still, the judges are gonna DIG IT!

note to self: homeless men get irritable around fire.

Cory picks Starburst, of course, on account of him being scary. Still, the prize is a SECRET! Ohhh!

All four models go to Bloomingdales for a new kind of challenge, because go-sees are so BORING. At Bloomingdales, some old bitch greets them.

Aforementioned old bitch

MOuhahaha is wearing a gross-colored Michael Koors and Brandon is in Hugo Boss. Brandon is a super awkward suit salesman…I mean, can you imagine an 8 foot 18 year old boy with nice cheekbones coming up to you in Bloomingdales and asking you if you like “high class stuff?” A gay man corrects him on his pronunciation of shoes, too, which turns out to be awkward and hilarious. See? This IS better than a go-see.

Look ma! It’s just like at my Bar Mitzvah!

Jonathan is wearing some weird sweater thing and walks like he’s a wet dog.

Hey Hippie! Like my sweater?

At the end, old bitch gathers them together and tells them how they did. Brandon is generally clueless, Mouhahaha seems mean, Starburst worked it (creepy) and Jonathan did the best. Overall, all three non-photoshoot winners get 2,000 dollars to shop in Bloomingdales and Starburst gets 4,000 dollars. Jesus. And, they only have 30 minutes. Jonathan wants shit for his wife, Mouhahah wants shoes, Brandon takes the suit he was wearing (HILARIOUSLY asking if the pants came with the jacket) and Starburst gets some watches.

After, the models go to New York Model Management to meet with Cory. Yawn, it’s an agency. They get to watch a video of Holly, last season’s winner, and how she’s doing okay for herself. Really? is she that okay, professionally, that she can’t talk to them in person?

Then they go home and talk about how quiet the apartment is for like TEN MINUTES.

At the judging, the guys wear James Bond suits and Mouhahaha wears Catherine Malandrino! Oh, the pressure! They get some more coaching on their walk and then they’re good to go.

Brandon, using what he’s learned.

Not gonna lie- Mouhahaha looks pretty hot, in a wiggy sort of way.

Malandrino-ed.

Jonathan gets bond-y and it rocks!

At panel, Jonathan gets chided for not giving enough in the photo. No shit! Here’s Jonathan, coasting on his photo and still kicking ass more than anyone else. Brandon was very new-age, and doesn’t know who Billy Idol is. Hah! So he’s so-so. MOuhahaha thinks she looks good (surprise surprise) and is praised for her ability to get her makeup and hair done. She sucks, though, for doing the SAME pose over and over. Hah! Stabrust is praised for his looking insane, but the judges were concerned with him not following the photographer. Apparently, the definition of “really great modeling” is looking like a crazed homeless man.

Both Tyson and Nicole think that all four should stay. Hmmm…I just did the math and it probably won’t work out that way.

After deliberation, Starburst wins the challenge and Jonathan is safe, too, though the judges tell him he needs more passion.

So, who goes home? Unique-face or creepy 18 year old? Both are improving. Still….BRANDON IS SAFE!!???WHA?

There there, Mouhahaha.

Hey, what have we learned? Don’t fuck around with Catherine Malandrino’s shit.

And what will Nicole do now that all the vaginas are gone???

WELL, now you can find out, with my GENEROUS, slightly soggy and definitely Kosher second helping of MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL!

Let’s plunge right in, shall we, folks? And I’m seeing it for the first time, and commenting on it, so this will be extra extra fresh, Funky fresh, even.

This week starts out with Brandon doing math…how he’s 1/3 of the way to getting money! Wohoo! Man, Brandon, I bet you were a smart kid in school. Yes? Probably just because you were good looking- sorry to break it to you.

I love how when they get the email this week, none of them have any fucking idea what it means and just go, no questions. Except for Starburst, who creepily sings and rubs his head maybe trying to find an answer?

Must be a Tobago thing.

I love how the editors need to milk more time with them communting to the shoot, and more banter about how Jonathan has a wife and kid. Yawn.

Timothy Greenfield Sanders, aka father time, meets up with the models to photograph them. The camera is big and old and rare- only five in the world! Probably because it’s so easily shoplifted, I would guess.

Wowzers.

Father time tells the models that the point of this shoot is to show who they are as people. Ok, let me see….Brandon is young and the product of a single mom, Jonathan is a dad, husband and provider and Starburst is from Tobago. Shoot over. Am I right?

The ‘Burst is first. Heheh. He takes one shot and then they wait two minutes for it to develop, old fashioned style. Gross, though- maybe its because i know him through the show, but this picture looks EXTRA creepy.

This is gonna look great when I have to introduce myself to my neighbors as a convicted felon.

Starburst find confidence in the two minutes that the picture developed. Touching. Next- Jonathan. His picture is actually really good…in that I AM SAM kind of way.

A Special Man

Jonathan, of course, is deeply moved by the picture of himself. In his own face…he sees innocence. Ugh, for reals? Didn’t you used to be cool and not such a fucking lame ass? Branden is next and does a pretty good shot, if I do say so m’self. Also, I like to fuck young men. What? Did I just type that? I guess I’ll leave it. I’m lazy!

Forshortening is HILARIOUS!

The theme of the next grouping of shot is apparently gay, black cowboy ballet dancer.

Yee Haw!

Brandon looks like a weird goth fop.

I scream menswear, I swear!

Jonathan’s picture looks like he’s in Pete Wentz’s band. What’s it called? Gay McGreasyhair dumb rock hobotown? Yeah, that’s it.

I’m a man…a provider…

I’d love to wedge myself into their group shot, however.

This is us as waiters or Mormons. You decide.

Back around 6:30 am, the phone rings. Cory decides that it is of the UTMOST importance to inform the models that they have a really big go-see…in about 11 HOURS. What a weirdo. Good job, editors, making it seem like the go-see was at 6:45.

Apparently a circus has beaten them to the go-see at cosmo. Interesting.

Or at least an interracial family of four.

They’re there for a Cosmo cover test. Not a real cover, but a good waste of….15 minutes of the show. Nice!

Jonathan is first and let me tell you, he rocked it.

NOT!

Brendan looks perfect for this shit- young, fuckworthy….

Here’s Brendan and Jonathan. Starburst…didn’t have any stills. But, you know, for comparison’s sake…

Tight ass british

loose ass American

Now crazy Cosmopolitan editor decides she wants to give them a Critique.

I own you.

Starburst has vacant-eyes, but still is versatile. Hmmm…Branden did well balancing fun and fuckability. Jonathan didn’t nail it and was a little bitty posey. Ring around the rosie! Thanks, boys!

Back at home, the gents get to go to a fancy party plus one. Plus one? Who ever could-

OH SHIT, BRANDON’S MOM!

And a weepy story about how Brandon’s dad abandoned him. It’s weird, he looks just like that lady.

OH SHIT, STARBURST’S SISTER!

Who is way more stylish than he is. After a good 5 minutes of awkward making fun of his sister….

STYLIN!!!!!

HOLY FUCKTARD! Jon’s wife and kid. She’s actually kinda cute, his wife. I was hoping she’d be more like Susan Boyle.

The Provider and the Provided for.

The baby’s a little ugly, no?

More….old mannish.

So, uh, they’re going to…a gallery? Hmm….OH SHIT! OF THEMSELVES!

Presenting…the Make Me A Supermodel Jazz Trio.

Then, Nicole steals Jonathan’s baby.

Blond hair and blue eyes pay top dollar.

Then nicole, mortified but in a joking way, says that Jonathan’s baby “peed his pants.” Awesome.

Brandon is so funny when he gets excited, and then hugs Perou. Okay, I sorta love Brandon.

OH Brandon! Immune to the shit personality of Perou!

I love, too, how his mom doesn’t recognize him in the candy shoot. Makeup, lady! Then, some baby gets into Jon’s book.

Out, out Damn baby!

Oh man, I can’t emphasize enough how much Perou looks like a douche.

Really, Perou?

I don’t know who is gonna win, but I know Perou should lose.

HAHAHAHA- then Branden tells Nicole he loves her on his way out. Okay, despite being a voracious homophobe, I totally dig Brandon. Him and his mom are totally the same, too.

Larfies!

Back at the model stable, Starburst apologies because he underestimated Brandon. Yeah, he did.

Okay, now I’m drunk. So, sorry, everyone.

ANYHOOO– on the catwalk Nicole tells the penises that they’ll be going from “Fun” to…fabulous. Man, that’s vague. I guess, rock it? So, one of the looks needs to be fun…but not too fun. And the other needs to be fabulous, but not too fabulous. Thanks, Tyson.

Brandon is a little intimidated by Starburst and Jonathan, but I want him to winnnnn!

Look at this punim…and, his name. In case we forgot.

Brandon is out first with his “fun” look.

Like a 4th grade play but with killer abs

Jonathan looks RIDICULOUS.

Zoom in on Kneww Socks. YES!

The next catwalk is just…guys in suits with skinny ties. Yawn.

IN Panel…Jonathan is first. It was perfect, Jenny says. And Perou thinks he’s “got it.” Blech.

Brandon gets teased for not getting Nicole’s phone number and she says, “If he wins.” Brandon says… “that’s messed up.” Oh, 18 year old boys! Brandon is called “unique,” too by a guest judge I can only assume lives with Keebler elves.

Make me an E.L. Fudge cookie…er, I mean supermodel.

Then Catherine Malandrino- that old war horse- asks Brandon how it was not having a dad. PEACHY, Catherine. It was like a bed of fucking roses for an 18 year old giant-boy. DUH! Brandon needs a moment and sobs his way down the runway.

Awww,,,,,

Nicole looks on with ambivalence, but then she winks at Brandon. What a heartbreaker!

Starburst had a sweet-ass runway, despite his outfit being made entirely out of bow ties.

Pretty?

Starburst’s second walk is a bit suckier but then he makes a big ‘ol speech about shooting at the starts. Um, I mean for the stars. Oh, you weird trinidadians.

Isn’t it weird how they don’t show the cosmo cover shots or discuss them at all? Hmmm….

Of course, in the deliberation weird-table room, everyone has different opinions about who is gonna win and who ain’t.

So…..

Tyson tells Starburst that he captivates the viewer both on and off the runway. Brandon finally hit manhood (hot). Jonathan has a great look (really?).

And JONATHAN can’t be made into a supermodel. WHAT? With the dickish statement that the judges KNOW he’ll have a career as a model. Weird…

Poopy…

Starburst doesn’t win- BUT BRANDON DOES! Nice.

I have the sneaking suspicion that they had Brandon win because they know the “burst and Jonathan are gonna make it. Eh?

Welcome to New York Model Management….

What about Nicole’s number, Brandon? Eh? You could help her get all that confetti out of her dress.

A world of itch.

Anyhow, thanks for watching everyone- you’ve been PEACHES! The next show I do is Eye of the Beholder or some such thing…you know, that show that’s like the Bachelor, only for fat people. So if you dug me here, stay watching with me!

LOVE YOU GUYS!