Make Me a Supermodel: Bawdy Art

And the nudity theme continues, and even intensifies! Tonight the models take it all off for the sake of art and ratings. Someone’s got it in for Holly and her persistent Christian values on Make Me a Supermodel!

If we remember from last week, Holly, Jay, and Birdface Aryn are up for the vote. Beautiful Frankie says Holly will be leaving “fo sho,” but I am personally not so “sho” she’ll be going anywhere. The producers set Birdface up for a big fall this week, and I’m positive America ate it right up.

We get back to the catwalk, and rehash what makes these three supermodels supersuck. Holly couldn’t make any chemistry with Frankie. Jay can’t take a good photo, and Aryn looks too avian and wasn’t believable in their shoot. The results are in, and Birdface is outta here! I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but that means good old Sparkles is three for three on these predictions. Either I’m just as easily swayed by the editors as everyone else, or just supersmart. I’ll let you decide.

While leaving, Aryn says that she’s shocked and saddened by her elimination. She thinks she has a lot of potential, and is upset that America didn’t agree. Aryn, I agree 100% in your potential to annoy me. Good thing you practically broke up with your boyfriend on the phone last week! I bet that’s going to be fun to come home to.

“So, honey, remember when I said there was no way I would ever marry you because I’m going to be a supermodel? I was just kiddin.”

After excusing Holly and Jay, Niki and Jennifer agree that America made the wrong decision. And they start Jaybashing…and never stop all episode. Looks like you’re the chosen one this week, buddy! I hope you enjoyed your last hours in the house.

Back at the house, a PA tells the models to gather and ruminate on who will be leaving. Ben wants Holly to leave. Frankie wants Holly to leave. I also want Holly to leave, but not as much as I wanted Aryn to leave. Jacki says Aryn isn’t trying. Apparently the first week, Aryn was on the treadmill every day, but she doesn’t have her heart in it anymore. Ben sticks up for Aryn, which causes Jacki to snap back with, “I wouldn’t know, I don’t sleep with her every day.” Burn! Ben say something that gets bleeped out, and oh how I wish we could know what it was! That prison-guard-cum-model has got some fight in him yet!

“We’re just friends!”

Jay comes back in the front door and everyone cheers. Its hugs all around as they all know he’ll be a cinch to hurtle over as the competition progresses. Jay goes back out into the hall and carries Holly in on his shoulders. If both those people are model-tall, I have no idea how they even fit through the door like that, but he didn’t drop her or anything, so I guess it worked. The girls all hug Holly, but Ronnie, Frankie, and Ben look uncomfortable, disappointed, and surprised, respectively.

Casey talks to the boys about the girls’ collective their two-faced-ness. Which seems kind of two-faced to me, but that’s besides the point. Basically, everyone on this show talks shit about how everyone else is talking shit about everyone else. Its very cyclical and kind of beautiful in its symmetry and irony.

Out on the balcony, Ben bitches to Jay about Jacki talking shit on Aryn. He calls her fake, which may be true. However, Jacki is constantly being praised by the judges and photographers and everyone who comes into contact with her, so maybe a little fake ain’t so bad in this industry, Mr. BOTTOM THREE.

The models arrive at Parson School of Design. They get inside and there’s a nude model being sketched from all sides by drawing students. Beautiful Frankie busts out with, “I want to be nude.’ I have a feeling his dream is about to come true!

Holly looks worried. Tyson peeks out from one of the canvasses and tells the models that this week is all about the body as a work of art (read: take it all off!) The models’ assignment is to concentrate on the shapes their bodies are making. They are supposed to hold a pose for ten minutes so the art students can draw them.

Katy goes first. She says to the students, “y’all make me look skinny.” But Katy, this is supposed to be realistic art. The teacher/principal/headmaster likes her body, and says she’s good for drawing.

Holly is next. She drops the bomb on us that she’s not comfortable with this. Shocking! Even her fiancé hasn’t seen her totally naked. I wonder if he’s back at home somewhere in Georgia watching this, thinking about how she’s all tainted now that a bunch of sleazy art students got a peek at the goods.

Such as this guy.

After all, why buy the cow/model when you get the milk/full frontal for free?

Beautiful Frankie is barely through the door when he doffs his robe. Thanks, Frankie.

We do a quick montage of what must have been forgettable posing, and whip through Beautiful Frankie, Shannon, and Ben. What we DO get, however, is a surprising amount of butt cracks and side boobs. On my cable in Denver, Bravo is channel 180 – I didn’t think the real sleaze started until at LEAST the 500-level channels…

…but I must have been mistaken.

And then we get to poor Jay. He can’t hold his pose and his arms keep sagging. He’s so obviously going to be eliminated that I’ve already started to forget his name.

Casey goes next, and got pretty nervous. You would think a professed Buddhist would be cool with the whole thing. I mean it sorta does interfere with the Right Livelihood part of the Eightfold Path, but you’d think he could just meditate through it. He looked sweaty and uncomfortable, and the dude in charge says it was clearly very difficult for him.

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Ronnie did great, Feministephanie did great, Jacki did great despite getting blotchy and red and uncomfortable. The teacher guy’s favorites were Feministephanie and Perry. As per usual.

Back at the house, Ronnie and Ben talk about Ben’s problems at home. Apparently, his wife is the only person supporting him in this endeavor. I guess she hasn’t actually seen the show. If I were her, I’d get as far away as possible from this trainwreck. Ben asks Ronnie what he thinks of their relationship. Ronnie says he loves their friendship, and would never cross that line without getting Ben drunk enough first.

The next morning, the models go to an old mansion and meet Niki. She tells them they’re all going to be pieces of a portrait, doing a group photo. Their assignment is to connect with the lens and each other.

They’ll be divided by gender (but which group is Shannon getting put in?) with each group getting to pick one of the others to pose with them. And viola, problem solved, as the boys pick Shannon to join them, thereby saving the awkward situation of the producers intervening to find out to which group she really belongs. The girls pick Perry to pose with them, which is probably a good choice, as he and Ronnie are the only male models to so far avoid critique of any kind.

The models meet Russ Flatt, their photographer.

This guy is affiliated with the fashion industry?!?

Russ explains that the models need to work as a team, and take direction down to the smallest detail. If he feels like one or two models are compromising the chemistry of his shot, he’ll ask them to leave. I wish I could do that at my job! Imagine being in a meeting and suddenly deciding that, say, Emily looks distracted. Kick her out! I love it.

They do the kids up in 20s glam gear, and they look great. The boys go first, posing on a couch with Shannon in the middle. Russ moves them around a little, and decides that Casey and Jay are dead weight.

PWN3d!!1!

Before

After

Jay says it hurt that he got cut, and he isn’t trying to taste bottom three again. I don’t think he’s going to taste it so much as have his whole face rubbed in it. It’s a multisensory experience, being up for that vote.

The girls come in, and Feminstephanie starts firing off questions like an empty-nest mother who just sent her last baby to college.

How are your classes? Tell me about your roommate. What’s your dorm look like?

She’s asking questions faster than anyone can answer them, about what happened, and if the photographer kicked anyone out. Casey is trying to tell her, but she won’t shut her big fat feminist mouth. Perry deflects the situation, and gets the girls together for their shoot.

They’re cuddled up on the couch like the boys were in their first shot. Russ mentions that Katy had problems keeping her focus, but ultimately decided not to cut her. He says they’re all really present in the picture, and that Shannon in particular is a natural.

The next day, Corey meets them at Make Up Forever downtown to tell them that they’re going to be a living art installation. They meet a “beauty engineer” who tells them more about the assignment.

This fox needs to smell its own hole.

The models are going to build a sculpture with their bodies that they take downtown to perform. But first, they need to audition a leading lady. The girls are given a walking test in the craziest shoes I’ve ever seen. Picture ballet toe shoes in black patent leather with a spike heel. Everyone’s ankles start rolling and I feel like I’m going to need crutches from just watching this.

The beauty engineer appoints Feministephanie as the leading lady. Ever the humble soul, she proclaims, “art is my life, this is what I study.” I once took a macroeconomics course at college, but I’m not modeling my persona after Alan Greenspan, sweetie.

Getting ready for the art installation, the models are once again stripped and shaved, and painted black. They get gems and plants plastered to their face. What exactly is the theme of this “art?”

And isn’t performing in blackface not very PC these days?

And the performance begins! Feministephanie has 2-foot platform shoes on, and like a big muumuu draped over her arms. All the models are supposed to walk in down the stairs and get inside her muumuu. Then she births them all out and they writhe around her. They do some kind of lighting or camera trick on Feministephanie’s eyes, and I’m scared.

OK, OK, I’ll make a donation to NOW.

Then they all get death shrouds out of Feministephanie’s muumuu and walk out. The beauty engineer says the installation was a hit, and I have to admit, it did look pretty cool. Not enough for me to ever pay money to see it, or even enough for me to go watch it at a gallery for free, but when your expectations are as low as mine, even this seemed impressive.

Because everyone’s stressed from the competition, the models decide to schoolgirl and professor night back at the house. Perry is spot-on as a Shakespearian acting coach. Ronnie is deliciously pervtastic as the female anatomy teacher. Beautiful Frankie is the “washed-up, has-been rock history teacher.”

Yeah, the first part sounds about right.

Frankie spits some rhymes and I feel the need to transcribe:

“Sitting right here with my homies, cool, yeah,
We lookin all like we real smooth man
I don’t give a fuck who’s goin home
We boys for life man y’all already know
All these hoes downstairs they already know
they get on the floor and we gonna blow yeah”

If anyone knows anyone in the recording industry, PLEASE get in touch with him. I personally will advance-order ten copies of his debut album, “Highlightz and Abz”

You can tell that the guys all got kind of drunk, because they’re getting to the point in the night where they start man-crushing all over each other. Perry tells us that if the earth was made over again, Frankie would be the meteor that hit it.

Then Beautiful Frankie returns the favor by coming onto Casey, saying that he’s burst of energy AND a burst of talent. Casey’s taught Frankie a lot.

Such as proper application of hair product.

Then the whole room collapses into all of them fawning all over each other. Perry says they’re like a fraternity, and someone pipes up with, “but really, really good looking.” Let’s not push it.

Enough with the sap-fest, it’s catwalk time! Today, Niki tells them their assignment is to carry themselves like walking sculptures.

Beautiful Frankie goes first, wearing a dress and trying to make it look masculine. He does the same pose three times, and looks more like an asshole than a sculpture, but who’s counting?

Holly is next, wearing looped pieces of cellophane. Her poses look good, but she’s not making it to Fashion Week pulling this amateur stuff.

Katy

Casey

Ronnie

Jay

Shannon

Feministephanie’s makeup makes her look like ET. She tells us that this was her dream week because of her knowledge of art.

If someone made me wear that, I’d want to phone home too.

Ben

Jacki

Perry

And it’s question time! Jennifer asks Katy how she felt in her dress. Corey calls her out for being easily distracted, and it’s not the first time we’ve heard that about her. But, her walk IS improving, and since we don’t get footage of their weekly measurements being taken and harped on anymore, we have to assume that she’s improving there, too.

Niki compliments Ben’s walk; she says he’s doing better and letting go. Ben confesses to us that he wasn’t comfortable posing nude, and didn’t know what to do in the art installation. He should have looked to our resident feminist, artist, and extraterrestrial for inspiration.

Jennifer tells Jay that it’s clear that he’s trying, but he still takes bad pictures. She says that there are amazing looking people in the world who just aren’t meant to be models. I can think of at least five or six of them standing on a certain catwalk right now!

Casey was also called out for being pulled from the photo. He said the whole week was a blow to his confidence, and the panel wonders if he has the mental toughness for this industry. This is the guy who professed to having been homeless. You would think he could handle walking 20 feet down a runway.

Niki tells Holly that she looks great in this era of clothing. WTF era is this? I wasn’t the greatest history student, but I don’t ever remember people wearing plastic dresses anytime in the past.

The panel excuses the models and talks it out. Jay is trying very hard, but can’t deliver. Holly had a great comeback from last week’s shitstorm. Katy was good in the photo, but distracted on set. Ben needs to be more comfortable in his skin. Tyson says he would date Perry if he were a girl, but it’s unclear if boy-Tyson would date girl-Perry, or if girl-Tyson would want to date boy-Perry. Maybe we could ask Shannon which makes the most sense.

They call seven models back out. They tell Shannon that she gets better every week, and could be doing Paris couture right now. Holly bounced back from last week and did great.
And Feministephanie finally showed her hunger and range – and is awarded the utterly useless title of this week’s winner, for which you actually receive absolutely nothing.

And that leaves Katy, Jay, Ben, and Casey, three of whom have been in the bottom three before. They give Ben some crap about trying to be more comfortable, and let him leave the catwalk.

So Katy, Jay, and Casey are up for the vote! Considering that the panel was talking the whole episode about how much of a giant poop sandwich Jay’s portfolio was, I’m thinking he’s probably gone, even though he’s a total sweetheart. Katy is likable enough to keep her around, and Casey is fun and unpredictable. Nice guys finish last, Jay, better get used to it!