Make Me a Supermodel: The Mangina Monologues

Tonight is our second to last episode! We’ve come so far this season, from thinking one of the contestants was a tranny, to posing nude a zillion times, to scandals involving Britney Spears. But it’s all about to come to a close on Make Me a Supermodel!

Here’s to it being almost over!

Ahh, spring. A time when a young woman’s fancy turns to recapping on her porch swing with a six-pack of Miller Lite. It’s the first seriously nice day this year in the Mile High City, and Sparkles intends to take advantage of every bit of it, such as the sun, the blooming flowers, and the fucking Chihuahua next door that barks its golf-ball-sized head off every time the fucking wind blows. Also, the fattest pigeon I have ever seen in my life is walking by. His little pigeon buddy walking next to him is about half his size. It’s like that movie Twins, with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito. But a fowl version of it (ha!).

I also have to apologize to one eagle-eyed reader who pointed out that I missed remarking on Perry scratching his balls for a full fifteen seconds in last week’s episode. That is the stuff that dreams/recaps/dreamy recaps are made of. Thank you, kind lady for correcting my oversight. Shan’t happen again.

My DVR decided to eat the first few minutes of the show, but to the surprise of no one, Shannon was eliminated. An arrogant string bean with an unfortunate visage didn’t stand much of a chance next to Ronnie’s All-American Beefcake.

My recording picked up with Tyson talking to himself as he walks up the stairs, “Check my swagger up the stairs, son! Boo-yah!” Where is this new cockiness coming from, Tyson? He yells up the stairs, “Come on you sexy beasts!” What is going on? Our formerly humorless host has been injected with a little personality! Then he introduces Naomi Campbell and it all makes sense. Duh – they were doing lines of coke in the limo! Tyson and Naomi say that they’re besties and fawn all over each other for a few minutes. They talk about posing together, with and without clothes. Yep, that’s how I make all of my best friends.

Then Naomi looks through the models’ portfolios. She likes Holly’s hair, but hates snakes. She thinks the photo of Perry and Casey is saucy, and Perry’s heart is all aflutter. He IS newly single, you know. I bet Naomi’s the type of girl who only falls for assholes because they’re the only ones who don’t fall all over themselves to impress her, so this could be a match made in heaven.

Don’t be jealous, Tyson. You’ve always got Ralph Lauren to fall back on.

After Naomi and Tyson trade best friends lockets and pinky swear on it, the models go to their photoshoot set. This will be their last shoot, so they are instructed to really work it. They meet photographer Matthew Rolston, who informs them that they’ll be photographed as natural elements today: earth, air, fire, and water. Is that natural elements, or Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers? And – surprise! – in a last minute ratings bid, the models are to be naked – yet again. Holly’s reaction is that she doesn’t want the boys to see her, and she especially doesn’t want to see them; they’re like her brothers. Given her predilection for the social graces of Appalachia, wouldn’t that be just about par for the course?

We see clip after clip of Ben getting oiled up. Then one of the art directors tells him that they’ll be cutting off his BVDs. Oh, come on, it’s not like he was in a car accident. I guess that old axe about “putting his pants one leg at a time” doesn’t apply to models. Or maybe they do put them on one leg at a time, but have people cut them off at the end of the day. The world may never know. But at least we get to see Perry get his junk shaved!

Rolston wants to see something he wasn’t expecting. They give Ben some flowing mesh/netting/something sheer and a wind machine so his tresses can flow. Oh ,wait. He is supposed to be bringing power and sensuality, so they oil him up some more. Then they give him another piece of gauze to pose with, and he nails the shot. Rolston is impressed, Ben can take direction well. Plus his body looks seriously amazing.

Holly goes next – she’s posing as fire. She gets a bald cap, and then strips and lays down on the floor, looking like a giant, hairless, beige snake. Not that snakes usually have hair…you know what I mean. Rolston says he’s looking for fierce and intense, and I think she delivers that. Then he adds the dig that her body is not as toned or thin as it should be to do fashion or nudes.

After she’s done, she says she can’t wait to see the flames on her head. They light a mannequin (that’s a lot harder to spell than it looks when Sparkles is halfway through the aforementioned sixer) head on fire and photograph it, then Photoshop the flames on Holly’s bald head.

With mixed results.

Perry is given black nail polish and emo hair and crazy pointy teeth. He does a few pushups before his shoot, and then they shove an ice cube in his mouth. AND TELL HIM TO DO HIS BEST MANGINA!! Perfect! Last week, they figuratively took away his balls by making him totally look like Amanda’s bitch, and this week they do it literally! Holly says it looks like he has “[her] my private parts.”

If you say, so, Holly.

Afterwards, Perry knows he got a really great shot, and doesn’t want any reminders of Amanda to sully the memory of his best tuckback ever, so he asks Rolston if they can Photoshop out his tattoo of her initial. Given Tyra’s estimate that it would take thousands of dollars to digitally remove Fatima’s armpit hair on ANTM last week (Holla, Hoolia!), you’d think they’d make a bigger deal out of it. But actually, I could do it in about five seconds (someone clue Tyra in on a magic little tool called Clone Stamp), and Rolston says its totally no big deal.

Ok, so it took fifteen seconds.

Finally, Ronnie is up, and I guess he’s earth, because they have crap smeared all over him and he’s posing with a tree. He needs a lot of direction from Rolston, but ends up looking really cool. Rolston called him the god of the wood (wink, wink), and said he was masculine grace at it’s finest.

As the models are driving home, they stop by a gallery. Inside are their shots hanging up, larger than life. Perry is loving it, saying it’s totally surreal. Ronnie basks in his own greatness, saying that it’s a piece of art that will live on forever. The rampant narcissism even gets to Holly, who says that she’s a big deal. Ben says he’s living out his dream, doing what he’s always wanted to do. I don’t buy it. I figured him as having more violent aspirations.

And the next day, the models go to the catwalk/studio for their final walk. Niki tells them that their assignment this week is doing three winning looks, making use of everything they’ve learned. And they have a special friend to help them out. Is it Naomi Campbell? Marcus Shenkenberg? No! It’s Project Runway winner Christian! Yay, cross-promotion! Now I am not a Project Runway viewer (sorry, Flipit), but nevertheless, I am still shocked by how itty-bitty this guy is. Someone told me he literally lives in a closet, and now I see how it’s possible. Niki looks like Santa Claus with her merry little elf.

Have you been good boys and girls this year?

But good things come in small packages (cough, Perry, cough) and Christian is ever so happy to be there! He says all the models are just fabulous, and he even made a dress especially for Holly. Awww. Holly then interviews that she’s “gonna kill that catwalk like it’s a lazy squirrel.” Ok, this has to stop. I know, I know, different (or “Diff’rent,” I suppose) strokes for different folks, but this is getting too country, even for a girl who went to school in rural Pennsylvania. (Go Nittany Lions!)

So Christian coaches the models on their walks. He thinks Ben is too serious. He hates Perry’s mugging, but likes the pep in hi step. He thinks that Ronnie is a little too pageant-y, and asks him to look more straight. He thinks Holly is fun and sassy, and elegant and beautiful.

During Coach Christian’s Fierce Runway Lessons, Round Two, Christian says that Ben’s too slow, and looks like a zombie killer. He does appreciate Ben’s symmetrical face. He likes Perry’s height, and wants Holly to have more personality, but would probably still book her in a show. Then he totally contradicts himself and says he wants Ronnie to be more fabulous. He loves his lazy, dopey eyes.

The models go to styling and get lame temporary tattoos.

*Hint – if you have to get a tattoo saying you’re a badass, it means you probably aren’t one.

Catwalk time! Ben comes out in black panties and a scarf. He looks as much of a prison guard as ever, and I’m wondering if this is a little visual throwback to all the goth and fetish stuff they’ve done this season. Ben’s next look is total Poindexter, with argyle socks complete with garters, sweater vest, and dipshit expression. Then he blows my mind and does the running man. His third look is a simple suit, and he finishes strong.

Perry is wearing the same panties, scarf and tattoo combo. Then the same dork look, but instead of the running man, he does that thing where you put your hands on your knees and kind of shuffle them around – does that have a name? Finally, in his suit, I can finally pinpoint who he reminds me of – Lurch. Something about his shoulders or the way he walks is just too stiff for me to take him seriously.

Holly is given a cheeseball red wig for her first walk. She’s wearing what I can only describe as a halter top monokini hybrid? What exactly would you call that? Her next walk features the dress Christian made “especially” for her (read: wasn’t good enough to show at Bryant Park, wasn’t crappy enough to throw away), and she gets a little lost in all the fabric. She blows a kiss to the judges at the end of the runway, and they giggle. Her third look is a tight evening gown that I totally want in my closet right now!

Ronnie does well with his black panties and scarf look. Then in his nerd walk, he has Kanye/80′s slitted sunglasses on. Can anyone actually see out of those? Does it matter? Finally in his suit, he says he struggled, and he looks like he’s walking too slowly.

But never mind that, it’s question time! And our good buddy Matthew Rolston will be a guest judge today. They start with Ben, wanting to know who came up with the dance moves. Ben says he did, and everyone’s shocked at our favorite prison guard showing a little creativity. Good for you, Ben. Hope it makes the loss to Ronnie a little easier. Jennifer has her own little, ahem, tvgasm as she describes how sexy his walk and photoshoot were. Tyson still thinks Ben needs more than two looks, though.

On to Ronnie. Niki said his photo was amazing. Ronnie kisses Rolston’s ass for a while, and then the judges start in on his body. He’s been skipping training with Clay, and he’s not as cut as he used to be. Niki asks Ronnie how he’s come back from the bottom so many times (I feel like there’s a joke there…) and Ronnie says America sees his passion to be there and grow. He says America wants Ronnie to be its supermodel. Gag. Ok, now I see where Christian is coming from with the “pageant-y” statement.

The judges ask Holly what she would do if Ronnie won, and she says that she would slit her wrists. The judges kind of groan and wishes she could take it back. She’s happy to be the last girl standing, but the judges don’t think she has much of a personality, or good presence. Are they really doubting the charisma of the girl who gave the world squirrel gravy?? Perry agrees that she’s too meek, saying “goddamn it, you’re the fucking last girl here.” He wants her to grow a pair, already. Then everyone gangs up – Corey tells her to work on her speaking, and Rolston even calls her a fattie. But despite her shortcomings, Corey still said that plenty of agencies would book her, so I don’t know what he’s jawing about.

As for Perry, he’s still doing his signature head bop, and needs to keep working on it. Jennifer loved his photo, and Perry said it’s the same tuck job that he used to do in junior high. So he’s been practicing it for a while, should an occasion like this one arise. They ask him if he thinks he’s right for one particular genre over another, and he says he wants to do all types of modeling. Niki asks him what the most important thing he’s learned is, and he said belief in himself. Yawn.

The judges excuse the models for no apparent reason, because they’ll all be voted on in this episode. But whatever. They say that Ben was great this week, but Rolston thought his walk was flat, showing no charisma. She’d cast him in a fragrance ad tomorrow. Tyson still hates his walk.

Corey thinks Holly did great on the catwalk and the photoshoot. They call her a beautiful girl with a beautiful face (as opposed to an ugly girl with a beautiful face), but she didn’t work the clothes. Something more should have been happening with Christians yards and yards of magenta fabric.

Corey thinks that Perry did great this week, and is finally using his arrogance to his advantage. But Jennifer turns Benedict Arnold on Perry, saying that he could never do a fragrance campaign, and his shoulders are too flat to wear a suit. Thank you! Finally someone else notices!

Ronnie is trying to be edgier, but they aren’t sure if he’s succeeding. He’s been delivering a lot of standard Chicago beefy guy lately, whatever that means. Nonetheless, Corey still thinks Ben will have a great career and make a lot of money.

They bring the models back out, and Niki says that they are four incredible people who have shown commitment, professionalism, and beauty. Blah, blah, blah, Ben has grown as a person, Ronnie is articulate and charming, Holly has a flawless face and passion for the industry, and Perry is charismatic and ambitions.

And that’s it! Whoever gets the most votes tonight will win it all! What do you guys think? Does Ronnie have this totally in the bag? Has Perry perfected the mangina? Will they make us sit through an hour of highlights next week before revealing the results? Does this show have any chance at a second season?