Make Me a Supermodel: Plexi-glass, Pasties and Peppermint, Bitch!

Happy Undergarments

Hey YO! Welcome to the world renowned, celebrity-studded recap of Bravo Tv’s MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL! WOHOOO! By world-renowned, I guess I mean in my bedroom and surrounding living spaces. By Celebrity-studded, I mean my cats are chillin with me whilst I write this. So join me, friends lovers and brethren, as I take you into the world of super-modelry. And, it’s going to be a ridiculous season!

Already, a plexi-glass photo shoot, candy galore and makeovers as the models HEAT UP!

Episode 1 of Make Me A Supermodel Season 2 begins with 16 men, women and miscellaneous (and I do mean miscellaneous) competing for the chance to maybe make it as a model, or at least get some TV time.

Oh, and new host, Nicole Trunfio, who is apparently a model that has a couple ounces more personality than Tyson Beckford, who is like a big hunk of chocolate cardboard. Seriously, though, I dig Nicole- she’s like a Bohemian European homeless person who is gorgeous, and seems like she could give two shits about the contestants. Love it!

Tyson is the same old soul-less, smiling shell of a beautiful man. Yawn!

Let’s make this season’s theme be “Buildings.” And, giants who loiter.

As for the judges, there is international model scout and Ace Hardware store owner, Marlon, supermodel Jenny Shimizu (meh, spelling these asiatic names has never been my strong point), eccentric/flamboyant fashion photographer Peru (yeah, another “Cher” name. Yawn, so last season!) and probably the most famous and bored by the reality TV fervor, designer Katherine Malandrino. We really ARE in a recession, aren’t we?

As for the contestants….

We first meet Mountaha, who I will call Muahaha, because it’s funnier. She’s from Brazil, but looks like the love child of sWarren Beatty and an eight year old boy and Keri Strug.

I left my skittles in Brazil. Also, where in the World IS Carmen San Diego????

She’s 23, going on boy.

Colin is formally introduced next- man, he is one HUNK of 21 year old virgin, if I do say so myself. I’d drunkenly grope him any day. He’s like Clark Kent, and I’m his Lois Lane. Well, if Lois Lane was chunkier, and jewwy. And, was currently being treated fr multiple venereal diseases. Did I mention I’m awesome?

Med Student? No modeling Experience? YUMMERS!

Then, there’s Chris, who looks like he has fetal alcohol syndrome. Uh, I mean, he looks, uh, Androgynous? I mean, sort of in the same way “Predator” looks androgynous. Erg.

I also come with night vision.

Branden is sorta cute, in that non-descript white male way.

Meh.

Jordan, the uppity bitch with some modeling experience, didn’t seem like a big threat in the beginning but by episode 2, she was bringing out her PMS and her killer walk. Day-umn!

I hate everyone.

Jonathan is the only one who actually looks like a model, and who will work after the show is over. You know? He seems all right, though.

Aside from being OLD.

Then there is Gabriel, the surly, pouty-lipped second runner up in giving me a hard-on. He seems sort of dickish, though. There is Kerryn, who beyond the annoyingly different way of spelling her name, just seems boring and horse-faced.

Like a bowl of oatmeal.

Then there is the other Karen, who spells her name like a normal human being. The only thing is that she’s got an obnoxious angry face. So I’m going to call her Angry-Face. Or, pissed of black chick with a weird belly button.

I’ll reach over this building and pull your hair extensions, bitch!

Amanda’s the Cabo Party-lookin’ girl, who seems nice enough but sort of gets into the realm of bug-eye. Am I right? Laury also has an angry face, but looks like a black suburban mom. Thank GOD there’s a makeover episode. So I’m going to call her angrier-face.

When I’m not taking my kids to soccer practice, I’m fighting crime.

Ken is the token thug-man with a big forehead. I’d still do him, though. Salome (doubt her birth-name) is the Mennonite girl who is going to hell because she’s a model. She has an AWESOME look, but gets a little cocky. CJ just looks like a call girl who got fucked in the ass one too many times.

I hurt.

Sandhurst (from now on, Starburst) is the sensitive dancer who never misses a chance to tell someone he’s from the island of Tobago. Shawn is the cool gay guy who is older and doesn’t act obnoxious.

As Jonathan says, the guys seem a little stonger than the girls in terms of their looks. As the bunch o’ models meet, they get their first challenge: take a pajama-photo in a big clear box overlooking brooklyn. Simple, right? Peru takes the photos, and him, Tyson and Nicole all look like extras from the matrix.

If I had a spoon to bend, I would.

Apparently, this challenge is a lesson about being in the public eye, and not like, some ridiculous plexiglass debacle that the producers thought would be funny.

this shoot was fairly uneventful, showcasing who has the most experience and who doesn’t. As pairs, there was some tension when Branden thought he was gay because he had to pose with Chris. Ha! GET OVER IT. I love how he also called it a “gay shoot.”

After the shoot, they get the keys to their bitchin’ model pad. And Salome gets her first whiff of moderately priced champagne.

Smells like SIN

When they all get comfy, we learn a couple new tidbits about the models, priceless gems like “I was raised Mennonite, which is…almost Amish (Salome),” and that Shawn is gay and doesn’t hang with straight people. Geez, Shawn. I’m jealous.

Then Nicole brings the models their pics. Jordan and CJ’s picture turned out pretty well, Starburst and Muahaha dig their picture, too. Jonathan and Laury look meh, but Chris and Branden (the GAY shoot) look kinda good, from my angle. YUM. Shaun and Karen look okay, but Gabriel and Salome’s pic looks the best.

Hot Hellians!

Kerryn and Amanda’s pic looks average, but Ken and Colin’s just looks awkward.

Like Handicapped people on Plexiglass.

Nicole tells the models that each week, the photographer is going to choose one winner to go on a go-see and waste some poor designer’s time. This week, Salome gets the call….and she’s not scared of the phone! Hopefully, she won’t be scared of riding in the car that will take her there, because engines and technology are evil. You know, evil as in SATANIC. Like, buckles. And, dental floss. She gets to bring one frenemy, and chooses CJ because CJ sucks. HA!

They go to Catharine Maladino’s (surprise surprise) and meet James, the casting director/awkward pimple-face. Sorry, is that mean? He stresses confidence in a runway walk, and also, you know, sleeping with anyone with privates. Got that, Mennonite?

Salome looks cute and model-y in the clothes, but CJ looks like she’s going to the prom.

Vote CJ homecoming queen!

In the ned, James tells both CJ and Salome to hit the road, but maybe Salome could come walk for Katherine when she doesn’t suck. Next- BODY FAT! The models strip down for scrutiny. YUM!

Jonathan and Starburst have the best bodies, which makes Colin wanna work out. Aw, Colin- I’ll work you out. Come over to my place and bring something rip-able. I have the vaseline and ant farm. We’re set!

Amanda has a decent body, especially after popping out a kid. DAY-UMN! Salome has a big ass, and Ken is a fat-ass. Whoops! Chris needs to gain some weight (and a gender identity) and Colin needs to work on his man-nips and overall bod. Whatever!

I think I just insulted the Teletubby. Ulp.

At the catwalk/elimination, everyone’s nervous except Tyson, who is not up for elimination (unfortunately). The men are wearing shit “inspired” (read, not actually) by the fashions of Alexander McQueen and Prada. The Ladies will be wearing aluminum siding and puff pastry.

Also, a gigantic pine cone.

After the fashion show for nobody, the models find out who is safe, a winner and going home to North Dakota or a Mennonite farm or wherever.

In the end, Salome, Chris, Ken, Starburst, Colin and Jordan are left for praise and asshole-rippage. The stand-outs are Salome, Starburst and Jordan, while Chris, Ken and Colin get a dose of suck serum. Jordan wins immunity and Ken McJockFootballgangrapetastic gets the boot!

Ah, and now onto our current episode, episode 2. The models wake up groggy and gangly, ready for a new day of unpaid work. Jordan basks in her immunity, which apparently feels cold and like an Old Navy ad.

Nothing says couture like a headband and performance fleece.

Colin is spooked by the intensity and total ridiculousness of the modeling industry, and vows to start to shape up.

The models are alerted to a weirdass looking email telling them of the day’s shoot. Then, they follow a trail of candy not to an evil witches gingerbread house (as a note- who picks up candy on a sidewalk of New York City? GROSS!) but to a studio, where the models are confronted by a real housewife of Orange county. Uh, I mean, Suza Scalora, some edgy photographer or something.

Anyone have a rich Dad I could hit on?

Suza’s gonna make them all into candy for the shoot. Candy, eh? Sounds like an orgy party I attended; I’m still getting pixie stick dust out from my buttcheeks. Anyhow, I guess what I’m trying to say is this shoot sounds hot.

Colin, this means you. (Wink)

Branden, happy that this isn’t another one of those FAGGY shoots (as he dresses like a big piece of Mallowmar), admires the ladies’ bodies. Blech, Branden needs to get eliminated, so he can, I dunno- go to community college or take over his Dad’s carpeting business or something. For realsies. He also calls CJ’s boobs “Wewewawas.” Wow, young AND sophisticated.

Shawn feels bad that he’s married and Jonathan is married (and isn’t gay) because Shawn wants himself a PIECE. I would, too- even as a ridiculous looking lollipop, Jonathan looks hot hot hot.

And what’s this??? Kerryn McHORSE FACE is hitting on my man Colin???? Okay, the only person who licks fake chocolate off of the aformentioned 21 year old virgin is ME. Got it, bitch?

Get your licorice-whip head outta the clouds, lady!

Aww, Colin was captain of his academic team (what high school is he from? St. McHottie weird activity?) and attention from girls makes him AWKWARD! I love him.

Meanwhile, Mennonite is comfortable and men have penises.

YUM!

First up is Gabriel, whose candy seems to be “glitter and a wig.” Uh, okay. Gabriel sucks it, and looks more like a fairy who just got sexually molested in Nottingham forest.

All I remember is drinking a dewdrop out of an uncovered leaflet…

Muahaha also is assigned “deshevelled pixie” for her candy. What gives? Is if there isn’t enough candy in the world. What about weird non-descript asian candy? Or, Mallowmar. Okay, okay, I just like saying Mallowmar a lot. Mallowmar. Mallowmar. Runts.

Muahaha just farted.

And Salome is ALSO a pixie. Really? Apparently, there was a sale at the garish, irregular wig store. Still, she looks cute. Oh wait, I guess they’re all supposed to be pixie sticks. Meh.

Mennonite-stick

Chris’ candy is aparently alien-face. Uh, I mean, sprinkles. He. is. so. weird. looking! And, he sucked at the shoot. Kerryn is the other sprinkle and works it, and Angry-face is rock candy. Shawn, also rock candy, looks like Andy Warhol. Or, like he’s gonna beat the shit outta the candy store.

Fuck you, Charleston Chew!

Angrier-face is pissed that she’s chocolate, and that “chocolate really doesn’t do anything.” Uh, okay, next time you can be a Xerox machine, okay, angry? Geez. Just look pretty, for chrissakes. Her shoot looks super uncomfortable, then pornographic when she gets to lick a marashino cherry.

This seems appropriate.

Colin is also chocolate, and looks like a vampire zombie who attacked the Nestle factory. Also, he looks retarded. Suzza’s prescription? Put some chocolate in his hair.

No, still looks retarded.

Aww, he feels bad that Suzza doesn’t dig him. Poor Colin!

Next is Starburst, who is a gumball/cirque de soliel player. He works it, as does CJ. And by worked it, I mean CJ did what she does best: bitch and look uncomfortable.

Yawn.

Lollipops Amanda and Jonathan work it hardcore, and look cute, too. As do the Peppermint sticks, Branden and Jordan.

This shoot is so hetero I’m about to high five another dude.

Back at the house, the two gays bond by getting their nails did.

This friendship is so hetero I’m about to play some sports.

At the same time as the gays do their nails and talk about their feelings, Branden is….sitting with an acoustic guitar and talking about his feelings. Feelings about GAYS, that is. (Uh, I’m, uh, okay with them. I mean, I think they’re hot. NO! Not hot. Like, touchable. Uh, I mean, I like vaginas and boobs. Vaginas and boobs!)

This conversation is so hetero it’s about to grow excess body hair.

Branden talks about not having a Dad and how that makes him not like to touch other men or associate with people who are different than he is. Starburst looks at him like he’s insane, but politely nods. Then, the Cabo squad enters for a backrub party!!!!! Yay!! Jello shots!!!

This massage is so hetero that we just collectively got pregnant.

The Cabo Squad (re: CJ and Amanda) annoy Jordan, who is deep and thoughtful. Right? And, enemies are made. Now, we’re getting somewhere!

Nicole comes to the model house with their photos and a dose of boho sophistication. Gabriel is not in love with his boring photo, while Salome was. Jonathan’s picture is BANGIN’.

A Yummy Man-pop

Starburst likes his picture and super-creepily sings a song about being sexy. GROSS! Listen, you might’ve been okay to do that shit in ballet school in Tobago, but here in NEW YORK CITY, we prefer your odd, rough reach-arounds and trashy lingerie. Am I right?

The photographer picks Jordan for the winner, and she gets to do a go-see at Miss Sixty. You know the place- they have jeans or some shit. Amanda of the Cabo squad bitches about Jordan, saying it was unfair because she had the most makeup on. She chooses Muahaha to bring along for their imminent rejection.

But before that- what? What say you? One Word: MAKEOVER!!!!! And yeah, let’s bring over someone from another Bravo show to do it. Publicity, people. Tabitha, from that haircut show. You know, she’s like a D list celebrity.

Of course, she goes around recommending changes, but the most drastic (at least, in reaction) is CJ, who Tabitha recommends a shorter style and a brown dye job. CJ’s pissed because she likes looking like a college-aged date rape victim, apparently. Amanda of the Cabo squad calls her a porn star (hey, what are friends for?) and that she’s gonna look great. Oh, did I mention that Amanda, aside from having a kid at 21, is also a hypnotist’s assistant? Awesome. And, so, totally not gay.

At Miss Sixty, Muahaha and Jordan fail. Muahaha is too “edgy” and Jordan looks gross in the Jeans, with big ‘ol hips. Hey, Miss Sixty’s words, not mine! I’m like a kitten. A kitten who trains falcons and makes beef jerky for fun. Yeah, that kind of kitten.

At Cutler hair salon, the models fidget and nervously play with their bedraggled locks. Angry-face looks like a soccer mom when she’s done.

Pissed off woman to Febreeze commercial.

Chris….

Before: Creepy. After: Creepy.

Amanda gets bangs….

Yawn.

Muahaha’s actually looks cuter and edgier.

Lipstick not included.

Jonathan looks good…

Fabio-wannabe to delightfully deshevelled.

CJ looks different and HATES the style…

Same bitch, different hair color.

And everyone else seems to look okay. I mean, okay as tall, skinny gorgeous people can look. Blech!

Before elimination, the catwalk challenge has people working the walk two by two (Salome: it’s just like the bible. You remember Noah’s ark?). But with gigantic candy props, just like in REAL LIFE.

Colin is nervous, and it’s cute how the guys are giving him pointers : ) See? Only the girls are bitchy, except Branden, who is spending all his time hoping he isn’t gay.

Salome and Colin go first together, and Colin looks super cute and funnily sprinkles large bits of chocolate on an uncomfortable Salome.

He can spray his candy bits on me ANY DAY.

Shawn and CJ look like homeless extras in the Wizard of Oz.

It all started when I was denied entrance into the Lollipop guild…then I got into drinking.

After the candy parade, Gabriel, CJ, Jonathan, Jordan, Chris, Colin and Branden are left to face the wrath of the pretty people panel.

Colin is praised for his fuckability and catwalk improvement. Okay, maybe just the latter. Of course, the Judges love Jordan. Mehhhh….if only she wasn’t so freakin’ serious all the time. Her and Gabriel should hook up.

The Judges bitched out Gabriel for looking miserable and constipated. He responds that he is “naturally more dark.” HA! You’re so deep, Gabriel…

THey don’t dig Chris, even though he isn’t a total asshole. Marlon has a hardon for Branden but CJ….the pretty people panel have bitch-dar, and it’s GOING OFF. Nicole tells CJ that she’s a “tasteless version of Kate Moss.” Man, I love that woman. If I wasn’t already betrothed to Colin I’d propose.

But…I thought that I didn’t look like a porn star anymore…?

Then, the pretty people panel gets their time to do a few lines and talk about who stays and who goes….Chris is called “not gutsy,” but CJ gives good face, even though she’s a super-bitch. Gabriel “looks like he’s being arrested” and generally seems constipated. Everyone likes Branden, Jordan and Jonathan so…..

Branden gets immunity. Also, a certificate that says he isn’t gay.

In the end, three models remain….

And…

Androgy-Chris gets the BOOT!

Thoughts???