Make Me a Supermodel: The Codpiece Monologues.

Hotness McHotterstein.

This week, it’s all about sports, but not looking retarded while doing them. Yep, it’s gonna be a hard challenge for these models. The shoot consists of the models flying around in the air like rag dolls, and then the catwalk is them in sexy little underwear cages. Mmmm…and, of course, a little bit of cattiness, a sprinkle of resentment and a dollop of unrequited lust!

This week on Make Me a Supermodel, what the fuck happened to Katherine Mallandrino? Did she die in a freak cashmere accident? And filling in, TABITHA? Uh, I’m not like a fashion expert, but doesn’t that bitch do hair? Anyhoo, I digress…

To celebrate not being eliminated, Branden, Jordan and Mennonite have a threesome.

Oh yeah, In my Mennonite village, we did this all the time. But instead of Ikea comforters, we had hay.

Just kidding, you uptight bastards! They didn’t boink each other. I’m sure they just talked about world issues until morning.

Angry-face reads a weird-looking email saying “Don’t miss the bus for the photo shoot.” I know, WEIRD. Bus? It’s like being poor all over again!

Hey! Get dressed for a post-orgy bus ride!

Branden, you have some green jizz on your face- some sort of post-candy jack off session. But seriously, folks, it’s a facial mask. And, Branden, you are so, so not gay. Kisses, Monamonzano.

Meanwhile, everyone’s sorta pissed CJ is still in the house. Angrier face has an angrier face, just thinking about it.

Pretty, pretty models.

CJ realizes that she’s the center of the drama, and states that it’s hard. Yep, meeting new people is hard. Living with new people is hard. In fact, even modeling is hard. So is a maintaining a hairstyle that doesn’t make you look like an awkward 8th grade girl.

Can we get this interview done? I’m going to be late to Language Arts Class.

Meanwhile, the editors seem to love the intensely boring side story of Gabriel waiting for the bathroom in his baby-blue underwear, looking like a stillborn. Yeah, I said it.

Gaby-baby

And I need to make an amendment- Angry face looks more like scary-face. That’s Karen, the one who spells her name normally and doesn’t have a boner for Colin. So they all shuffle out to the school bus, and get on in. everyone’s making a big goddamned to-do about the school bus, school bus this, school bus that. But now I sorta kinda like Gabriel because he admits on national television that he “hates kids a little bit. Yeah, me too. With their tiny boots, rosy cheeks and unjaded youth. Fuck kids!

They arrive at a football field, and already the excuses are in abundance as to why the models are gonna suck at this shoot. Nice work, models!

Tyson comes up on that thingy that football guys push around to get strong or something. Yeah, I used to play semi-professionally. I’m so knowledgeable that I don’t even have to use football terminology anymore. Um, yeah. And, Nicole looks super forlorn by this week’s theme, as she’s more suited for bongos and cute hats than ‘roids and ass-grabbery.

Ugh- this jacket makes me look less avant-garde.

They introduce Justin Steel, some fancy-schmancy sports film-clicky to make glossy pictures of people guy. Naturally, everyone is impressed. Justin Steel tells the models they’re gonna be on some weird harness thing on some sort of apparatus he made in his basement.

Okay, does anyone notice how Starburst always seems to get a little creepy when he gets his confessional camera time? Like his little sexy song? And now, likening himself to a matrix character? Ulp. Must be some Tobago ballerina thing.

Mr. Steel groups the models by they way they look and who they would least like to work with. Naturally, there is only one CJ so some groups don’t have to deal with too much disappointment. Booo! The assignment: convery beauty and strength, and an aptitude for loathing. Got it, models? GO!

Amanda feels good because she’s from a brood of athletes, and she went to the Junior Olympics for track and premature baby-making.

Colin and Branden get paired up. Muahaha, Shawn and Salome get paired up. Angrier-face, Amanda and Kerryn get to be a group. Jordan, Starburst and scaredy-face get to be a group and last and certainly least, Gabriel, CJ and Jonathan. Poor Jonathan- he should just kill himself. Or, like quit the competition.

Before the shoot, some of the models warm up, because, you know, true athletes warm up and shit.

I smell a Heisman.

Salome’s scared because she doesn’t play sports because she’s all Mennonite, Muahaha is like, from Brazil, where, you know, their primary sport is like, sacrificing people and playing with jungle animals, and Shawn? Well…he’s just gay.

We’re fucked. And, not in a good way.

As Jordan whispers snarkily from the wings, Salome, Shawn and Muahaha do their best impression of football players.

Exhibit 1

Exhibit 2

Exhibit 3

Notice Muahaha almost out of frame in the last shot- that’s because her harness catapulted her into Calabasas county while the other models tried, in vain, to feign footballish qualities….

Nicole tells Salome to work on her fuckin’ face, Shawn needs to work on his masculinity, and Muahahaa? Someone tell a PA to run out to Calabasas. And, bring some band-aids.

Colin and Branden are next, in their so not totally gay photo shoot. I mean, there is nothing gay at all about two beautiful men groping hungrily at balls. Am I right?

Dig it.

MMM…they got all bruised up and shit. And, Branden says he thinks he knows what it’s like to have a baby, from a couple of bruises on his abdominal area. Oh, Branden- so sweet, so young, so naive. So sure he isn’t gay….

Next is Amanda, Kerryn and Angry-face. Amanda seems to be playing the sport of accounting…

Um, I’m out of receipt paper….

Angrier-face is playing the sport of “I wanna beat the shit outta my photographer.”

But in a retarded way.

And Kerryn- she’s playing the sport of the “mysteriously appearing boobie.” It’s international, people- you wouldn’t understand.

Oddly enough, Kerryn’s never looked hotter.

Overall, these girls look WEIRD. What gives?

Welcome to Camel-Toe island!

Angrier-face is sure she’s gonna show up the other girls with her TOTALLY RETARDED facial expressions.

Pretty!

I mean, I’m sorry if the word “retarded” offends anyone, but man, does this photo look the “r word.” Yeah, I’ll use that from now on, just in case there are some, mentally handicapped of friends of mentally handicapped who don’t like to be offended and read my make me a supermodel recap. Yeah, I’m totally PC. Boobs. Rape. Chinese People. Poppers. Poop!

Post-shoot droopy model heinies!

Then we get Karen’s sob story once Nicole tells her that she’s fading. Uh- I don’t really follow- her younger brother was killed in a car accident. Don’t wanna live with regrets. Triplets. Not identical. Life is short. The group thing. Shining? Hmmm….

Jordan, Starburst and Scaredy-face do an okay job, though Jordan was giving off the “awkward eighth grader” vibe in her ill-fitting sports bra.

Gabriel and Tyson, in a moment of Tyson doing his actual job as a mentor- tells Gabie baby not to fuck this one up, or he’s going back to whatever depressing rural town that he came from. So, the dream team- Gabe, CJ and a regretful Jonathan, go for the gold in whatever obscure sport is assigned to them. I can’t really tell- they lost me at football.

In the grass, the other models gossip. And, CJ’s looking a little eighth grade girl awkward, too- with some weird crimp going on with her hair and the tenuous mix of violence and boredom in her eyes.

I gotta cut this interview short- I’m going to be late for Language Arts.

Nicole, bored of “mentoring” wants to know the gossip.

These Flash Gordon shoes are killing me- let’s talk some shit!

Of course, they all bitch about CJ. Nicole, I think hoping that someone fucked someone else, gives them the stock “deal with it” pep talk and then goes away. Ah, mentors.

Back at the house, Amanda longs for people to hate her out of envy. Uh, wanting to win and all that shit. And, CJ calls her Pops, talks about her “social malfunctioning,” and gives the confessional cameras another awkward 8th grade “look.”

Wanna go steady? We can listen to some Sublime and then I’ll show you my skate moves.

Meanwhile, Gabriel DIGS Amanda. Um, Gabe? She has a BABY. As in, a small human being. I thought that that was like dick kryptonite or something, but apparently when you’re young and beautiful, a post-preggo 21 year old is fair wet dream territory.

Boys? Boys = more babies!

She totally digs it.

The next morning, Colin gets teased for being a virgin, but not for not having seen “The 40 Year Old Virgin.” Really? Have you been to a movie theatre, Colin? If not, take my hand. I’ll show you some videos that I’ve made in my basement, and yeah, we’ll have some fuckin’ popcorn with it. Yeah.

Kerryn digs Colin, almost as much as I do. BOO KERRYN! BOO!

Nicole brings the pictures to the models shortly thereafter, and everyone’s marginally happy with their pics except Gabriel, Salome and Shawn. Gabriel likens his picture with Jonathan and CJ to “Communism.” Uh, you lost me, Gaby Baby. You and your pout maybe need to get back into a remedial history class, because I have a PH.D in Russian history, and my brain just exploded.

Amanda wins the go-see with Bloomingdales, and brings Colin-loving Kerryn with her. Angrier-face is pissed, and speaks up about it when Nicole (in her don’t give a shit kinda way) asks whose picture was better and Angrier-face says that she “did better.” Hmmm….let me just show this gem to my faithful TVgasm audience again…

“R Word,” anyone? Come ON.

Nicole puts Angrier-face in her place by saying her face looked angry and gross. Then Angrier-face gets all pissed and so is Amanda, for getting her thunder stolen by an Angry-faced beeyotch.

As a response, Angrier-face gets aggressive with a pork cutlet.

Colin is getting a boner.

In a mercifully cut-down drive to Bloomingdales, Kerryn looks bored by Amanda explaining about how American they both look.

American. Giant Millipedes. The Pledge of Allegiance. Axe Body Spray. You follow?

At Bloomingdales, the ladies walk for Bloomingdales and Amanda almost books it. They tell Kerryn to abort herself, if it isn’t too late. Listen, ladies, this isn’t a feel-good industry. Hmmm….

Back at the house, CJ and Jonathan decide to use the weird bin of crazy wigs, boas and hula-hoops that they found in the closet (WTF??) for a “crazy” photo shoot. And again, another 8th grade looking photo of CJ ensues.

Goooo 8th Grade Math Decathalon!

Everyone’s sort of impressed by CJ not being as bitchy as usual. Also, Gabe takes the opportunity to get naked for TV.

Really, Gaby Baby? You wanna be that guy?

Gabe takes himself and his underwear SO SERIOUSLY. And everyone thinks he’s hot anyway, so the least he can do is fuckin’ crack a smile SOMETIMES.

And Kerryn? Please wear makeup. Like, all the time- even when a shoot isn’t happening. Or, you might make me wanna puke, like when I had to watch you in this shot:

Blarf.

It’s like she drank 2 bottles of nyquil and put on a hoodie. This is TV, people!

At the weird runway judging place, Tyson and Nicole explain to the models that their runway walkins’ will be inspired by Alexandro De Laqua (forgive my spelling, those of you who are, like, into fashion n’ shit). apparently, it’ll be like wearing a ball of yarn and a jock strap. You know, like art.

I love how Nicole is slowly breaking the models by telling them that they’re gonna suck balls at this catwalk challenge. Heh heh. Karen McScaredy-face is nervous because her costume (sure, blame the costume) is gonna make her catwalk walk SUCK.

Brandon, with immunity, goes first and ushers in a parade of models wearing balsa-wood sculptures and tight-fitting knickers. Nice! Mouhaha and Salome look particularly cute, probably due to the heavy makeup.

After the catwalk, Karen, Starburst, Amanda, Kerryn, Salome, Johnathon and Gabriel get left for the customary rip-apart.

When the judges ask Salome what gives, she makes the excuse that she didn’t grow up with sports. Typical Mennonite excuse, am I right? Johnathon was praised for owning the codpiece (nice). Amanda was told that her walk wasn’t convincing, but the judges dug her picture but told her she was “middle of the road.” Hah- Amanda’s gonna have some drunken, blubbering confessional action tonight. Am I right? Starburst got away with his ballet shit (yawn) and Karen is surprised that she didn’t do well, or you know, her face was just at rest. Jesus, she ALWAYS LOOKS SURPRISED. It’s like she’s getting anally prodded, all the time.

Fashionably uncomfortable?

Ha- then Tabitha (filling in for an elusive Katherine Mallandrino) calls Karen “forgettable.” Heh. Bye bye, Scaredy-face!

The weird-spellin’ Kerryn gets praised for doing a great walk. Gabriel didn’t cut it AGAIN, this week, and looked like an ape in his picture. Then, WTF- he throws CJ under the bus. Classy, Gaby Baby.

Nicole wants to save Salome, and Tyson tells the judges that “Gabriel didn’t do that bad.” Erg, that’s encouraging.

In the end, Amanda and Starburst get saved. Jonathan is praised for being special and….thinking? But in the end, Kerryn gets immunity.

In terms of the shitty three, Salome gets chastized for her inconsistency, but is safe. Gabriel also gets saved, so do the math, people:

SCAREDY-FACE GOES HOME!

I mean, it was time for a girl, right? Do they have gender quotas? DISCUSS!