Make Me A Supermodel: Buttcheeks and Superfreaks

Mouhaha: Bringing the pretty.

This week on Make me a Supermodel, Tyson is gone because he got a modeling gig? Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it. The gals and dudes have a shoot based on who they are, or at least how they look like in front of mirrors. The winners get a specially especial treat- a sorta probably maybe kinda chance to walk in the highly sorta critically acclaimed Montreal fashion week. Get your francophone on! Anyhoo, the runway’s all about freakiness and being performancy and arty and lame. Also, Kerryn touches Colin’s pee-pee. Yeah, watching this episode? The pleasure was ALL mine.

Man, there is nothing weirder than waking up to a digital video of Tyson Beckford awkwardly reading a teleprompter. Am I right, models?

Wait, Tyson Beckford actually BOOKED A GIG? Isn’t he like, 40 something? Maybe it’s for dockers. Or, like, one of those mall shops with all those cosby sweaters that black people like. Is that racist? Maybe, but someone’s gotta be keeping those stores in business, and it sure isn’t my cheap-ass Jewish self.

Moving on…Gabriel cool-ly hopes that the “trip” is the Hamptons, because it’s close by. Oh, Gaby Baby- it’s not like you’d WIN the challenge anyway. Am I right?

At..the studio…? Nicole meets them looking a little pissed that she’ll have to talk to the models more than the usual odd insult. Oh, Tyson- none of the producers bet on you BOOKING A JOB. Oh, and guess who decided to go avant-garde on us this week? Jon and Muahaha.

The Aerosmith bandmates

So, Michael Bergen is being the guy’s mentor this week. Apparently, he’s some model guy who was on Baywatch once, but he looks like my Dad.

If my Dad were unemployed and wore douchey necklaces.

The photographer is Endura Sisserrine, also lookin’ like a real housewife of Orange County. Like, a really, really bitchy housewife who makes her daughters go on diets and who dates an old guy with cancer. Man, I am so PC this week, and we haven’t even BEGUN the slow and deliberate ridicule of the models!

The Housewife of Orange County (who, now that I look at her, could also be a guy in drag, take your pick) tells the models that they are going to be posing with someone they know “very well.” Geez. She can’t just say they’re doing a photo shoot with a bunch of mirrors, can she?

Of course, Jordan wastes no time asserting that she does NOT want to be with Amanda and that Amanda should die.

Apparently, this shoot is all about capturing emotion, being raw and…expressive. Uh, sorry, Gabriel. No Pouts allowed!

The winner of the shoot picks a buddy and gets to possibly maybe walk in the Montreal Fashion Week, which is two steps up from the Pewaukee, Wisconsin Fashion Week, which takes place in the Cloverdale Value Mall.

Nicole says a few fleeting, uninspired words to the girls while the men jack each other off and do man things like eat beef jerky and hi-five.

This Photo shoot is gonna be Hetero as SHIT.

For some reason, Jonathan is looking more and more like a plucked duckling or Christian Bale in “The Machinist.” What gives? Jonathan, take your One-A-Days! It’s good for you.

Somebody give this man a ham sandwich.

Jonathan’s picture looks lame, but everyone likes it. Starburst doesn’t like his reflection but when he was YOUNG, he had ACNE. Ugh, Cry me a river, Starburst. Or, don’t. Instead, how about you give me a super bland photo. Ok? Cool.

Oh, and now it’s Gaby Baby. Emotion does NOT equal cool looking and pouting. Why can’t he do ANYTHING ELSE WITH HIS FACE? Even when he talks about his pops getting a BRAIN TUMOR. Christ, I think this guy needs a personality and emotions more so than a career in modeling.

CJ did well, for once. Weird.

Branden, on the other hand, doesn’t know where Montreal is. Wow, I mean, I know you’re 18, but did you pass elementary school, or did you get by on your looks? Man, I wish I got by on my looks in 3rd grade. I mean, I had a super fucking hot 3rd grade face, but my teachers didn’t seem to notice it, probably because they were starin’ at my rock-hard 3rd grade abs and pecs!

Branden also seems impressed by things like cameras, mirrors and jackets. He’s like a super pretty chimp.

I will take this Chimp and capture him for my own.

Then Brendan talks about how not having a Dad made him wanna be a firefighter. Surprise surprise, he’s a model. Uh, a so not totally not at all gay model.

Salome bitches about being scared to be in the bottom, and of course she doesn’t EVER forget to mention that she was RAISED MENNONITE. Wha? Yeah, old news, editors. Cut that shit out, it’s getting OLD! Her picture is pretty, though.

Man, Jordan goes next and she really gives the mirror..nothing. I mean, Jordan has plenty of bitch to go around, surely the camera can have some of it. Still, lackluster, Madame Beeyatch.

Back at the house, Kerryn tries more desperate strategies for getting sweet, sweet Colin’s attention.

Look! My nose!

I’m gonna bite your face off!

Going straight for the junk.

Man, some might call that assault, specifically my parole officer. Potato, Potatoh, Kerryn. Nobody is really sure if Colin wants to bone Kerryn or not….I think not, seeing as he hasn’t said anything really positive about her or her boneability.

Oh wait- back to the pictures…Kerryn has a hard time, Muahaha looks a little…uh, womanly. Still, not enough to win, Muahaha. Shawn thinks his assets lie in his Japanese/German face. He also volunteers his gayness as what is “different” about him to the Housewives of Orange County lady. YAWN! I mean, he’s pretty, but he’s old. And, he has a freakin’ husband, so no junk-grabbing! You’re no fun at all Shawn. No fun atall!

Next is Amanda, and I love how she wants to go dark but Real Housewife Photographer lady wants her to dance with herself like a tool. Awesome picture, though- very TRAGIC STRIPPER. Still, it wins her the fuckin’ shoot! DAYUMNN!

Starburst looks like a Benetton campaing starring some dude with a broken jaw.

Inner pain; outside? cartigan.

Shawn doesn’t think the photographer caught his best emotion….but that’s what they all say, right? When they do super shitty? Ugh, cry me a river, gay exotic lookin’ model-man. Like I said, Amanda won. Simultaneously, Jordan’s butthole puckers. Branden also wins. So Amanda brings Muahaha and Branden brings my sweet, sweet Colin. I do have to say, Amanda’s being sort of cool about getting to knwo the other people. Shawn gets snarky about Branden picking Colin, blah blah blah.

The winners get some weird makeup tutorial before their Montreal Go-see….you know, putting on mascara and making sure your hair doesn’t look like shit. Also, product placement. YAWN! After the perfunctory makeover, they get on some weird party bus thing to be trucked out to Montreal. Branden? Yeah, it’s far away. LIke, in miles. Do you know what miles are?

Back at the model house, the models bitch about Amanda being talky and cocky. The winners, on the other hand, aren’t badmouthing anyone but they ARE hitting on underaged girls. Sorry, I get ahead of myself….first, the man-meat go see is at Dinh Ba design. The girls go see Chrtistian Sheniah Twain, or some such shit. What do I look like? A fashionista? I know I have model good looks, but I mostly just wear sweats. Yeah, I’m classy like that.

Man, Colin is. so. cute. SIGH. But I digress….

Dinh Ba looks like a garden gnome from hell.

with creepy chicklet teeth.

Mr. Sheniah Twain looks like a guy who sells old magazines out of his van to neighborhood children. No, I never used to do that. Well, on weekends. Geez, the economy is rough, lay off!

May I sell you a slightly soiled copy of Marie Claire?

After Colin wears a cleavagey, purple, tight shirt uncomfortably, all four of the models get cast in Montreal Fashion week! Wohooo!!

Salome meanwhile goads Gabriel into thinking about making a move on Amanda. But overshadowing this, is Colin, awkwardly hitting on a sixteen year old girl. Sigh. At one point, I was that sixteen year old girl. Only, not beautiful and with body odor that made me the laughing stock of my gym class. KIDDING! Me? BO? Are you insane? At 12, I got a Ph.D. in awesome, and keep on getting peace prizes n’ shit that I don’t even ask for. Go figure.

Sixteen? Is it illegal for me to put my penis inside of you if I’m out of state?

You’ll have to buy me Twilight on DVD first.

Yeah, along with being cute and awkward, Colin is also kinda hilarious.

So they do the show, and it’s uneventful except for Colin sorta looking like a yellow cockhead and Amanda almost tripping on the way off the runway. Back to America, BITCHES!

Oh, and shit, at the catwalk Nicole changes from her usual gorgeous self into a fuckin’ gross-looking GREMLIN.

For this challenge, I will slowly gnaw off your penis.

Again, showing us that there is a fine line between modelesque and fucking’ gross. And that seems to be the theme of this week’s catwalk: looking like those goth kids in 8th grade, only with a bigger budget and more self-adhesive gems.

Sorry, when I say gross, or disgusting, I mostly mean proponents of performance art. Oh CJ, you look the part but I’m sure you’ll be flummoxed. I can’t wait!!!!! They all do a practice in their regular clothes, and look completely awkward. Time for judging!

Jordan goes first, and looks better than ever with a bare ass and blinders.

Freaky, or less bitchy? You be the judge.

Jonathan looks like a street performer who wandered into the wrong building for his lunch break.

Yeah, I’ll do the robot. Got any change?

Colin looks like…well, like he probably did in High School when he played D & D with the chess club. CJ looks uncomfortable (what else is new) and Kerryn looks kinda cool, but who cares, cause she has immunity!

Shawn looks straight out of Cirque De Soliel, and acts like it, too. Actually, more like he was cut for still being in high school and for being generally terrible at movement. Man, you can never make too many Cirque de Soliel jokes, can you, folks?

Nice Job, Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.

Amanda goes next, and she really looks like a fuckin’ alien. Uh, one trying to be sexy, sort of.

I will charm you then put a microchip in your brain.

And of course, even with a bunch of fucking makeup on, we still see the lifeless pout that is Gabriel.

Is this “deep” enough for you, Gaby Baby?

Angrier-face looks freaky as HELL, which is an improvement. Salome looks like a zombie. Branden is wearing a BOA (you know, a super straight boa) and Muahaha?

Someone left their pretty at home, didn’t they?

Starburst uses his dancin’ skills for good, and not evil, and then let’s get our judging on!

A bunch of models do well enough to be mediocre, and they leave. Left are the best and the worst: Jonathan, Colin, Starburst, Amanda, Angry-face, Shawn and Branden.

Shawn is asked what the fuck was up with his walk, and he says something about overlords and domain names. The judges criticize him for being too over the top, and then criticize him for not conveying emotion in his photo.

Jonathan shows off his HAMMERPANTS on the runway, and Angry-face does a good-ass walk. Both do well, but everyone knows Angry-face’s weakness: HER FUCKING FACE.

Amanda is criticized for having a walk that is too pornographic and confusing, and then her picture is criticized for being too pornographic and confusing. Then, she cries like a little baby. Kudos to that blonde judge for bitching her out about crying, yeah! Love these judges!

Colin’s runway was terrible, his photo mediocre. Man, they are only keeping him on because I like him, right? Or is Kerryn going to rape him next episode? Who knows.

Branden is congratulated for growing up, and then that blonde judge tries to set Branden up with her little sister? Gross. Starburst does okay, but his picture is mediocre. Because…he has hangups about mirrors? What a weirdo!

NIcole says “better luck next time” to her gals, and the guest judge (my Dad) says Shawn did okay. Nice work, mentors. You’ve earned your paycheck.

After a non-impressive deliberation, decisions are made. Dreams, broken!

Angrier-face and Starburst are safe, and leave the catwalk. Branden gets to leave, and Jonathan wins immunity…yeah, big suprise that he gets it, right?

Amanda is chided for being a big ol freaky crybaby, and is safe. Then there is just Shawn and my future husband, Colin.

I think there’s a deck of Majick the Gathering Cards in my pants…

Nicole says that Colin can no longer blame his shittiness on not knowing how to do a photo shoot or model. Shawn is passionate but way over the top, and goes home!!!!!

Now who else feels that Colin is safe until his V Card is lost? I do I do!

Until next week, my pretties!!!! Menage a Toi! Bring your lube and your superman fetishes, I know I will.