Tonight some of the best become some of the worst, Perry’s heart gets stomped on, Shannon’s hair gets pulled, and Ronnie does his best David Lee Roth on Make Me a Supermodel!My darlings, you have my sincerest apologies for the late recap. Unfortunately, at Sparkles’ place of business, management seems to have taken on Hydra-like qualities. Since my boss was fired last year, five separate people all decided that they are my boss instead, and I’ve been run ragged, working obscene amounts of overtime, all which keeps me from my first love, making fun of would-be models.
(Aside – I am hoping to god that it actually IS Hydra that, if you cut off its head, two more grow in its place. Because the only thing more obnoxious than making reference to Greek mythology is doing so incorrectly. But I’m too lazy to look it up. Oh well.)
We kick off the episode with Bonnie discussing how Ben will miss Ronnie if he gets voted off. Beautiful Frankie holds up a framed photo of his girlfriend and says he wants to see her, but he doesn’t want to see her yet. I bet the feeling is mutual. I can just see Frankie having the type of girlfriend who slams the door in his face and yells “And don’t come back until you’ve got a contract with Ralph Lauren!”
Katy says she feels good about this elimination, because she’s crawled back out of it so many times before. She says she didn’t do anything wrong this week. Yeah, except EAT BREAD AFTER YOU RUN!! In model world, that’s the equivalent of a real-world person who stands on the street corner dressed as the statue of liberty and screams at the top of their lungs about the second coming of Christ. (To all my street-corner-yelling readers – I didn’t mean it. I love you all. Kisses.)
Beautiful Frankie makes the decision to wear a giant clock around his neck to elimination, for reasons unclear. Maybe we can set him up with some leftover Flavor of Love skanks! Those girls are so cracked-out, they won’t even be able to tell the difference. Let’s count the similarities between Beautiful Frankie and Flav:
1. Inflated sense of their own attractiveness.
2. Comparatively small stature.
3. Unfortunate coif.
I think we could pull it off. Someone give Buckwild a call! I miss her so much.
At the elimination ceremony, Niki explains to us in her signaturely-measured monotone that last week was all about the catwalk. The models walked in Fashion Week at Bryant Park, where Katy, Ronnie, and Frankie all sucked big time.
They announce that Ronnie is safe, and he breathes a huge sigh of relief. Aw, Ronnie, sweetie, of course you’re safe! He’s really the only person on this show that is halfway likable.
And then Tyson drops the bomb that Katy is finally out. People are voting for Beautiful Frankie??? He actually has an audience? I mean, I personally think he’s hilarious, but not enough to pick up the phone to call Bravo and say so. Katy exits the catwalk in her 1998-style long belted sweater/jacket, and says that maybe she’s average, but she’s going to model anyway. Sure. I can think of plenty of average-looking supermodels. Like, uh…um….ok, maybe it’s going to be a little harder than she thought.
Corey speaks for everyone back at panel and says they all agree that America made the right decision. He calls her beautiful, and even hot, but not a model. By now, she’s probably a stripper. A girl could really use a confidence boost after all that criticism.
Back at the house, as always, the models are discussing who they think will return. Jacki, ever eager for Ben’s ire, says that Ronnie may be too old to be starting out in modeling. Despite my glaring favoritism for him, I have to agree a big. A 25-year-old is no spring chicken in Milan. Shannon mentions that the winner of the competition needs to be able to carry the title with style and grace, and she doesn’t think Frankie could do that. All he’s carrying right now is a Mystic Tan membership card and some vitriol aimed at Holly.
Ronnie and Beautiful Frankie come back in the house, and when Perry sees Frankie, he actually jumps in the air out of excitement. You just wait until you two get to do a nude photo shoot together, Perry! Come on, you know it’s coming.
And we set the tone for this episode when Perry announces, “this is how I do the dishes.” Then he yells upstairs, “Shannon! Dishes!” She yells back for him to learn how to wipe his own ass, and he tells her that she should wipe it. This doesn’t bode well for the male/female dynamic in the house. Jacki tells us that the boys don’t respect the girls, and she’s getting sick of it. Then again, she does talk shit on all the boys’ BFFs when they aren’t there, so what does she really expect?
Later on, the models head to Bleeker Street Theater to meet Tyson. He tells them that this week is all about storytelling. Feminstephanie is dressed for exploring the tundra.
“The story that I’ll be telling is Julie of the Wolves.”
Tyson says the models are to use their body language and movement to play a scene. The photographer adds that they need to convey emotion, drama, and a sense of story. They’re broken into groups of three, and Jacki, Perry, and Ben go first.
Their storyline is that Perry pissed away Jacki’s money, and Ben is a friend of the couple who doesn’t want them to fight. Perry wastes no time, and dives in with “Fat ass bitch!” That really gets the shoot rolling, as Jacki is screaming right back at him in no time. Ben really does have to hold her back. Jacki says afterward that Perry really helped motivate her because he made it personal. You just know those two are going to end up in bed together before the end of the season.
Ben, who is also likely going to end up in bed with another cast member before the show’s over, says that at one point when Perry was coming at him, his prison guard instincts took over, and he really wanted to hit Perry. You and me both, buddy. You and me and probably all of America, both.
But all’s well that ends well, I guess. After the shoot, our Machiavellian trio check out the frames on the photographer’s computer, and everyone’s giggling about how great the shots came out.
The next scenario consists of Frankie, who has been spurned by Holly to get engaged to Ronnie. Good choice, if I do say so myself. I’d rather have a gay fiancee than Frankie as my fiancee.
Beautiful Frankie, trying to get into character, starts mumbling to himself. “Nobody can love her like I can, man. Nobody, bro.” Tyson is egging him on while Frankie sneers at Ronnie groping Holly. I love the reality of all of this: a gay dude groping a virgin while her secret archnemesis looks on with tears in his eyes. It’s almost Shakespearean.
“Et tu, Ronnie?”
The final shoot’s scenario is that Shannon is the other woman between Casey and Feministephanie.
I’d cheat on someone who wore these pants too.
Shannon totally steals the show, as usual. She’s straddling Casey, who is laying(lying?) on the couch, while Feminstephanie is behind them. The photographer says that Casey was good, but needed to bring more. Casey says that Shannon did well, but Feminstephanie needed a kick in the bum (sic). Feministephanie pulls Shannon’s hair a little, but never really gets into it. She says she’s not the type of person who fights and screams and yells. Obviously. She is totally the type who stabs you in the back and tries to turn all your friends against you. I could have called that on day one.
The photographer says they all did well, but his favorites from each shoot were Shannon, Holly, and Perry, and I drop dead from the shock.
Later that night, Shannon has decided to have a talk with the boys in the house about respect. She calls Perry an alpha dog, which he eats up with a spoon. Jacki says that if Perry told Beautiful Frankie he had an itch, Frankie would scratch, which is so awesome and probably true. Frankie says, “do you actually think I would be somebody’s bitch?”
I’d say that this picture is worth a thousand snarks.
The next morning, Tyson shows up at the house to give them their catwalk assignments. They’re going to be walking in pairs, performing assigned characters to tell a story. Tyson asks for a slick, choreographed performance on the runway. Fat chance. Tyson tells them that one person will have to walk alone, since they have an odd number. Jacki volunteers because she doesn’t work well with others and wants to stand out, which is probably a smart move.
Tyson has cards with different themes, and Shannon and Beautiful Frankie pick “Old Hollywood,” Perry and Casey are “High Society,” Bonnie are “Rock Stars,” Holly and Feministephanie are Heroes and Villians, and Jacki is an “Executive Bitch. “
We are reminded that Ben has immunity from winning last week, so they can both work to support Ronnie.
And Tyson leaves the models to begin thinking about their choreography. Perry thinks that high society consists of two socialists trying to upstage each other. Bonnie are planning lots of sliding and running, and making me nervous. Feministephanie is slinking around Holly like a freshman art student in their first performance piece, which she actually may be.
Then we have Jacki. She tells us that she wants to start getting in character by looking rich and sophisticated. Then she starts growling into the mirror and smushing her face around.
This is what “classy” looks like.
But enough practicing, it’s Valentine’s Day! The models agree that the boys will cook dinner, and the girls will decorate. Perry laments making dessert for four other women on his and his girlfriend’s first anniversary. The kids enjoy their meal, and then go in the living room to find another surprise – messages from home!
They put in the tape to be greeted by Shannon’s mom, who defies all expectations by not having the build of a WNBA player. We get to see Beautiful Frankie’s girlfriend, and Casey’s mom, aunts, and bandmates. Feministephanie has the appropriately shaggy-haired art school boyfriend. Ronnie’s heart breaks as Ben’s wife talks about how much she misses him.
The real treat of the segment, however, is Holly’s fiancee, who looks like a total Guido. He says something creepy about patiently waiting for her, and wanting to give his supermodel a huge hug when she gets back.
Wait a minute, buddy. She’s saving that hug for your wedding night.
A few more messages, and the tape is over, with nary a word from Perry’s girlfriend, whose name is tattooed on his wrist. However, he’s allowed to call her to find out what’s up.
Perry calls up Amanda and says “Happy anniversary, baby.” Her response is noncommittal at best. She says they have a lot to talk about, such as what happened in Phoenix. He says that he kissed a girl on the cheek on New Year’s Eve, which meant nothing to him. She isn’t letting him off the hook that easily though, and keeps up with the tude. He eventually badgers her until she starts crying, and then when he realizes he’s regained the upper hand, tells her he won’t get off the phone until she says she loves him and wants to spend her life with him. She eventually does, through tears, and he hangs up in a hurry before she changes her mind. Perry, Perry, Perry. I’ve been on the fence about him for a while, but I think this phone call firmly plants him in the loathe category.
But never mind all of that, it’s catwalk day! Because again, this show couldn’t scrape up a designer to lend them clothes, the models are styled by the staff in costume-y schlock.
Feministephanie and Holly (Heroes and Villians) go first. Holly is wearing a white outfit that looks like it’s part diaper, and Feministephanie is basically wearing a thong bodysuit with a face mask. As they walk down the runway, Feministephanie tickles Holly with what looks like my cat’s favorite toy, and Holly bats it away. Then before they leave the catwalk, Holly fulfills my personal fantasy, and strangles Feministephanie to death.
Beautiful Frankie comes out dressed as Inigo Montoya (Old Hollywood), and Shannon follows him wearing a top hat and tails, and looks like a 1980′s casino cocktail waitress. Or at least, being far too young to visit a casino in the 80′s, what my perception of a 1980′s casino cocktail waitress might look like. Frankie says their walk was synchronized perfectly, and it’s the best walk he’s ever done.
Casey and Perry (High Society) are wearing ruffled collars and lots of feathers. They look into hand mirrors and admire themselves. Yeah, this screams “high society” to me, all right!
Jacki (Executive Bitch) comes out with her pointer and stomps down the catwalk. She says she’s using her “oh no you di’n't” attitude.
Ben (Rock Stars) comes out in metallic blue, skintight pants, and kneels down. Ronnie enters and does a straddle leap over top of Ben. And he has some kind of reflective sticker on his forehead. Who styled this show? Drunk 4th graders? Yeah! Rock stars! They like stickers! Ben says that since they closed this week’s show, they want to be seen as the top two.
And its question time!
Niki wants to know what Ronnie was whispering to Holly during the shoot. She says he said “I’m gonna do things to you that have never been done before,” which, let’s face it, is pretty much everything. The judges say Holly’s walk was much stronger than Feministephanie’s. Corey adds that Steph is annoying, too. That’s what I’ve been saying all along!
They ask Perry and Casey whose idea their choreography was. iki says Casey didn’t have much to do in photoshoot, and that he didn’t step up. Perry, on the other hand, considers himself an actor/model, and adds that Jacki has a mean left hook.
When it’s Bonnie’s turn to be questioned, Corey says their jump was over the top. He adds that Ronnie still needs to conquer his walk, and the implication is that he should be focusing more on fundamentals than flashy moves. Tyson suggests that Ronnie is sacrificing himself for Ben, in exchange for sex. Seriously, Tyson? Haven’t you been working in this industry for a zillion years, and therefore been exposed to gazillions of gay guys? That insinuation is so insulting, and I’m disappointed. Ronnie, adorable and sweet as he is, just isn’t a great model yet. And I’m sure he’d have no problem picking up dudes wherever he went, so why target Ben?
As for Shannon and Frankie, they agree that they worked well together. Jennifer says that anyone who works with Shannon looks good, and I have to agree. She definitely seems to have the most raw talent of this cast.
At the judges’ consortium, they discuss Feministephanie totally bombing this week, how Holly keeps improving, and how Casey is too self-aware in front of a camera. They say Perry is consistent, Ronnie needs to work on his walk and energy, and Shannon looks beautiful and polished.
They bring back seven models. Holly was radiant on the catwalk. Perry brought passion and enthusiasm to every project, but our favorite formerly suspected tranny is this week’s winner. Congratulations, Shannon and your top hat!
That leaves Feministephanie, Casey, Frankie, and Ronnie. Feministephanie picks and chooses when to work hard. Beautiful Frankie made a good effort, but needs more depth and charisma all around. Ronnie needs to bring more dimension to his wholesome good looks. And Casey needs to learn to deliver consistently.
Apparently, he’s consistent enough for this week, because he’s excused, leaving Feministephanie, Beautiful Frankie, and Ronnie up for the vote! Down with Stephanie! Down with Stephanie! I can’t take any more of her severe winter wear!