Make Me a Supermodel: Snakes on a Frame

Get it? Like a frame of film? In a camera? That they shoot models with? Yeah, I know it’s dumb. But sometimes you don’t get much material to work with on Make Me a Supermodel!

Yeah, I’m bored too.

We left off last week with Feministephanie, Beautiful Frankie, and Ronnie up for the vote, and Sparkles hoping desperately that Feministephanie will go away so we don’t have to hear how intellectual she is anymore.

Ben wakes up Ronnie and says it’s judgement day again. Ben gives Ronnie an uggo shiny blue pendant and says that he won immunity while wearing it. Ronnie puts it on and says that if he gets sent home, he’s blaming the pendant. Rightly so. It’s seriously hideous, and if I were on the panel, I’d want to immediately banish anyone wearing it from ever working in fashion again.

Dealbreaker

In the other room, Feministephanie tells Holly that she’s prepared to leave, but Holly says she’ll have nervous breakdown if Steph goes. Which makes it doubly fun for us, the viewers! Can you imagine getting rid of the art student and watching the chastity ball debutante lose it in the same episode?! Sign me up!

The three models up for elimination head to the runway for the decision. Niki is rocking a particularly brassy new dye job. I guess working for a reality show that films every day doesn’t really give you time to let your color settle in. But wouldn’t you think the biggest supermodel of the 90′s could afford to get a decent colorist? I guess she must have squandered her Cover Girl and Seventeen Magazine fortunes, which led to her cohosting a reality show on Bravo, which isn’t exactly going to win her any Emmys.

“Sometimes, you have to take what you can get.”

Niki and her yellow hair announce that Beautiful Frankie is safe. It is seriously shocking that he survived two eliminations. His girlfriend must have given half of Miami BJs to get him the votes.

Ronnie is also safe, which means that Feministephanie is outta here! Who can say why? Maybe because had trouble with her walk. Maybe because her photo was week. Or maybe, just maybe, because there are two kinds of art students. The kind that are secure in their own talent and go about sculpting or painting without rubbing it in everyone’s faces, and the kind that traipse around constantly talking about how creative they are, and how they eat, breathe, and shit art. I don’t have to tell you which kind Feministephanie is.

And PS – the Bravo website has been touting Steph’s “shocking” exit interview. I endured yet ANOTHER ad for The Other Boleyn Girl to bring you the “unbelievable” news. Feministephanie and Holly apparently made out once. Where the camera crew was, I don’t know, but someone really dropped the ball on that one. What America really needs is more footage of hardcore Christians getting taken advantage of by the pseudo-bisexual self-professed intelligensia.

But back to the show. For the first time, we don’t get to hear Corey tell us if America made the right decision. But good old Sparkles can tell you: Yes We Did!

Ronnie busts through the front door of the house and yells, “The amulet worked!” Of course it did. Because he didn’t let anyone see it. Then Frankie comes back and jumps into Perry’s arms. Papa bear and baby bear share a sweet little reunion, and Frankie tells us that America loves him and he loves America. He better go call his girlfriend to thank her. I bet her jaw is pretty sore.

Then Holly starts the waterworks. Come on, nervous breakdown!

“God must be punishing me for sticking my tongue in her mouth.”

Corey greets the models later that day. He says that it’s week 7 and therefore time to touch up their hair. Then they drop the bomb that they’re going to get rid of Beautiful Frankie’s flowing locks. Corey asks BF how many times people have called him Fabio, and Holly grins evilly and openly in the background. Corey says we have to redefine Fabio, and Jacki is openly giggling. I’m glad the other models get to share in our schadenfreude. Makes me feel a little closer to the girls in the house.

Frankie tells us that he hasn’t cut his hair in three years (gross!) but he knows he’d “get reamed a new one for saying no,” so he goes for it.

Casey says Frankie was letting his hair define who he was instead of defining it for himself. As the stylist starts cutting, Perry asks if Frankie feels like part of his soul is missing. Then Perry tells us that when Francesca finds out that Frankie’s hair is gone, she’ll leave him for sure. Frankie & Francesca? That sounds like the name of a Saturday morning cartoon. Maybe they could make one about a pair of ferrets, one of which has supermodel aspirations but a head full of split ends.

And when it’s all said and done, he looks even shorter. Holly remarks that they gave him the exact same haircut as hers, and she’s absolutely right. He’s gone from someone I might openly laugh at if I saw walking down the street to someone I might merely mistake for a girl.

In a scene that was not at all staged whatsoever, Beautiful Frankie says that he used to be afraid to cut his hear, but now he likes it. And Shannon makes the perfectly natural segue by asking what everyone’s worst fears are. Perry hates ghosts and bugs. Ronnie says George Bush is his worst fear, and we get to hear Frankie’s patented guffaw again. You can take his hair, but you’ll never take his spirit.

Ben says he used to be scared of blood, until he had to hold someone’s body while they slit their wrists in jail. That might just make me more afraid of blood, not less, but who’s counting?

Holly says Jesus taught her to be afraid of beetles, tarantulas, feet, and butt cracks. And Casey tells us he’s afraid of huge snakes. While in a lake several years ago, he felt something brush against him, and he says he looked down to find that it was a family of poisonous snakes. How did he know they were poison if they just swam by him? He must have had a guidebook in his hand or something. Because if I know one thing about models, they always tell the truth and never embellish their stories. I’m looking at you here, ANTM Cycle 6 also-ran Jade.

At 5:00AM the next morning the models are awoken and asked to dress warm. Ben tells us that not even God is awake at 5:00AM. They get to an airfield three hours later and see a black tank filled with water.

Niki’s there to greet them and give them this week’s assignment. The challenge this week is to push out of their comfort zones, and the assignment is posing in extreme conditions. Yep, they’re tossing the models in the giant fish tank! In February! This is where old Sparkles would turn around and go home. I don’t like being cold, and I don’t like being wet. And I don’t like being photographed when cold and wet. Modeling isn’t for everyone.

The shoot is going to be based on David Bowie’s Interplanetary Being. The models are to go underwater and hold their breath, looking at the camera as though they lived in the tank. Then Niki tells them that they’ll be working with a partner. And she brings out a giant yellow snake! What a coincidence that Casey is deathly afraid of snakes!

It’s really not that different than working with Frankie.

In hair and makeup, Perry says he doesn’t like snakes, so he plans to wrestle it to the death and come back victorious. How exactly would you wrestle a snake? Snakes are pretty flexible…isn’t that kind of their defining feature? I guess you can’t mince words with an idiot.

To prepare, Casey sits on the beach meditating. He wants to change his perception of the snake from a horrible beast to a beautiful creature. Bravo sounds an incredibly culturally-sensitive gong every time they show Casey meditating. People say that we’ve come a long way in our acceptance of Asian cultures since the days of Long Duck Dong, but I’m not so sure.

Perry goes first, and looks mighty uncomfortable. Then he goes underwater and it looks really cool. I know I’m supposed to be all snarktastic here, but I love this shoot. Perry seems fluid and natural during the shoot, but his best shot ends up looking like he had bad plastic surgery.

Jacki’s up next, and she’s moving too fast for the photographer. She’s dressed in a semi-Princess-Leia-in-the-clutches-of-Jabba-the-Hut getup, which is exactly what I would wear if I lived in a giant fish tank with a big yellow snake. The photographer gives Jacki feedback while she’s underwater and can’t hear, and then blames her for not following it.

Beautiful Frankie has his newly cropped hair in bobby pins. Why, why, why? He does a great job though, and looks really comfortable underwater.

Ben has a tough time with it – he keeps squinting, and it’s clear in his face that he’s holding his breath. He’s not listening to any feedback and keeps repeating the same mistakes. His best shot is craptastic and I have a feeling he’s going to be marked for the bottom three.

Ronnie, on the other hand, says this shoot is going to be a walk in the park. He was a water aerobics instructor and a lifeguard for several years, so he’s very comfortable underwater. And right then, when I picture Ronnie instructing a group of 20 septegenarians to do scissor kicks at the Y, I fall in love with him a little bit more. If that’s even possible. He turns it out and gets a shot in just three frames, before they even bring in the snake.

Unfortunately, all that meditating and gong-banging couldn’t save Casey. He’s still terrified, but decides to get it over with and jumps in. He’s nervous that there’s a “giant killing machine in my bath” and I can totally relate. There’s an extremely industrious spider that lives somewhere in my bathroom. I find huge new cobwebs every day, but I’ve never seen their creator. I picture him about 6 inches wide though…and pray our paths never cross. Casey eventually gets his bearings and ends up producing a fantastic photo. Yay for overcoming your fears!

Holly is sick and has completely lost her voice. They give her a crazy mohawk, which disappears the second she gets underwater. Good job to whoever styled her. Did anyone mention in the makeup trailer that the shoot was underwater? Holly moves too fast for the photographer to get a good shot. In the end, he tells her that she did her best, which in the fashion industry, usually means “say goodbye to your dreams.”

Shannon tells the photographer that she’s not at all afraid of snakes. She is, however, apparently afraid of holding her breath. She’s having trouble staying under, and the photographer is getting annoyed. He wants to quit, but she says no, she can do it. It would be generous to call her best shot mediocre.

Back at the house, the models discuss the competition. Beautiful Frankie (who you may remember works as a valet) reminds us that one of the models is a mere five weeks away from $100,000. Screw the modeling contract. Frankie’s in it for the cash.

Jacki says that winning means more to her than the money. But it seems like everyone else is more interested in the bankroll. Poor Ronnie will have to go back and live with his mother if he doesn’t win. Ronnie, don’t worry, I’ll take your water aerobics class!

Perry says he works at a nightclub as a waiter, and washes dishes on the side. He’s tired of working two jobs and getting 4 hours of sleep a night. His mom also works two jobs, and he says she shouldn’t have to do that at age 42. Ugh, no one should ever have to do that at any age.

Ben is the only one who actually talks about investing the money in his modeling career – he’d use the money to fix up his house so he could sell it and move to New York. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, here. If I were him, I would use the money to hire ANTM’s Miss J to come to Nashville for a week of walking lessons before he tried to set foot in the Big Apple. You know J would find all the gingham totally charming, and would probably wash Ben’s car in a pair of teeny-tiny cutoff shorts and pigtails. Ben, Ben’s wife, and Miss J is a reality show combination that can’t lose!

The next day, the models arrive at the catwalk for their assignment. Niki and her unfortunately-hued tresses remind us that this week is about remaining professional and focused, even outside of their comfort zone.

She shows the models giant headpieces they’ll be wearing. They’re crazy-looking things – all glitter and feathers and spirals. Shannon tells us that it’s a challenge to balance such an enormous weight on your head. Perry’s got tons of practice with that, though. His ego alone weighs more than a Buick.

After practicing a bit with the headpieces, Niki tells them she was just kidding and that the assignment’s too easy. There’s another accessory for the models. And then Jack Hannah, I mean Tyson, comes out with a whole barnyard on leashes.

Old MacBeckford had a farm…

The models are supposed to balance their giant hats, and drag a poor animal down the catwalk with them. They draw names from a hat: Holly gets the peacock, Jacki has the poodle, Ben has a big brown goat, Frankie has a duck, Perry gets the pig, Shannon gets another duck, which leaves Ronnie with a sheep. Pastoral chic must be in this season.

The models get a practice session with Debbie Butterface, who coaches them to walk with the animals. Casey articulates his challenge as such: to be in sync with the animal but still have a good walk. Then his goat takes a giant crap on the catwalk.

“This runway is great! For me to poop on!”

Perry is bonded with Elvis, his pig, but then when they get out on the runway, Elvis started screeching like nothing you’ve ever heard in your life. Then Elvis decides to drop a deuce on Perry’s arm. Hey Elvis, I wouldn’t want to walk with Perry either. He’s a total camera hog (get it? Pig? Hog?)

Catwalk time! Holly goes first with her peacock. She’s carrying it under her arm, and makes it look like a piece of cake.

Casey and his goat go next. His walk looks a little bouncy, but at least the goat didn’t drop any more bombs.

Jacki had a poodle which was totally easy. She’s wearing a giant red Fruit Roll-Up on her head, and looks something like how Tim Burton might envision New York City high society.

Ben decides to carry his goat, and he’s looking like a prison guard again. I think he’s getting too comfortable, and not trying anymore.

Beautiful Frankie also opts to carry his duck, then at the end of the runway, instead of posing, he opts to adjust the duck’s bow tie. It’s totally cheesy but the judges are all grins.

Perry gets out on the catwalk and straddles his goat. Then it decides to just stop halfway down the runway, and Perry leans over and kind of air-humps it. He never gets the goat any further toward the judges, and I hope they punish him for it.

Shannon has a duck who is freaking out, quacking and trying to escape. She manages to contain it, all while balancing a gigantic yellow assemblage of cloth frisbees on her head. With this headpiece, the girl is at least 10 feet tall.

Ronnie’s sheep is wearing a precious little tiara. He says his walk was relaxed and smooth. His face looks uncomfortable though, like he’s trying too hard.

Question time! Niki asks Holy how’s he’s feeling. She said she’s never felt so sick, but that even if she had been well, the snake would still have been a huge challenge. Jennifer thinks that Holly made the peacock look like a great new accessory.

Jacki says she loved her costar, but Corey said that hers was by far the easiest, and she could have had more control.

Beautiful Frankie had to be open to change, and he proved it by cutting his hair.

Shannon had tallest headpiece, and the judges like her walk, but her photo really does suck. Tyson loves to bicker with Shannon, so he baits her, daring her to argue, which she does, and then they talk over each other for a few minutes, and I’m embarrassed for both of them.

Ronnie, who looks about the height of an Oompa Loompa when standing next to Shannon, finally had a great walk.

The judges are very impressed that he got his shot in three frames. But then they ask him who should be in the bottom three, and he says Ben half-assed his photo. Everyone’s shocked that Ronnie would rat out his man crush, but Ben’s photo was seriously awful.

Corey says that Perry’s photo was one of the weakest. Tyson says his attitude is not good, and then everyone gangs up. Corey adds that Perry needs to eat some humble pie. Then even our class tattletale Ronnie jumps in and says that Perry doesn’t realize how off-putting his behavior is. Perry shoots some serious eye-daggers at everyone. This is just like the end of Carrie. Come on, pig’s blood! Let’s see it!

Ben was thinking too much in his photo, instead of just doing what he was supposed to. Tyson tells him that the next time he slips up, he’s going home.

Casey had great self control, and the sheep helped him slow down and walk better. Casey took Jennifer’s favorite photos as well.

They excuse models to deliberate. Holly had a difficult week but looked great. They love Casey’s photos. Jacki had it easy and didn’t take advantage. Ben is inconsistent. Blah blah blah. Beautiful Frankie was one with the water. Corey’s glad they talked to Perry about not being such a cocky douche all the time. Ronnie has improved exponentially. It’s too far in the competition for Shannon to be making rookie mistakes.

But shouldn’t Shannon have immunity this week? Or was that a one-time deal? After Ben won it, they never mentioned it again. Niki, you can’t be preaching consistency to the models and not following it yourself.

The models come back out. Casey’s safe. Beautiful Frankie’s safe. And Ronnie, with his intense drive and good humor, is this week’s winner! (With no mention of immunity next week!)

Five models remain. Ben was noticeably uncomfortable in his poses. Holly isn’t tough enough for the industry. Shannon’s shoot was surprisingly bad and disappointing. Jacki is too far in the competition to be mediocre. Perry has crossed the not-so-fine line between confidence and arrogance.

And that said, Ben’s up for the vote. Holly’s safe. Perry’s up for the vote. Shannon’s safe, which leaves Jacki up for vote. This is serious business. Personality issues aside, I’d count Jacki and Perry among the best models in the house. Which means unless Ben’s burgeoning romance can save him, he’s long gone. What do you guys think? Who’s going home? Did this bottom three deserve to be there, or should it be someone else up for the vote?