I really think that this week’s episode of Making the Band was my favorite of this season so far. Even though there wasn’t any Brillo/Orangebrey drama to shake things up, we finally got to hear the sound of the Earth cracking wide open. Meaning that we heard Diddy utter some words that I never expected to ever hear…
But before we get to that, Diddy of course opens the show with the same cocky/silly/weird introduction that we get every week where he sets the stage and further proves his insanity. The first words out of his mouth are “I’m the KIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!” We’re back in Miami and Diddy is calling in the “calvary.” It is comprised of several people whose names aren’t memorable, but apparently they all have very extensive resumes as producers and songwriters. I thought about researching them all to give you guys some background, but then I decided that we’ll just have to take Diddy’s word for it. These people are impressive. Got it. We believe you, King Diddy.
So Diddy and the Calvary meet in the studio where the Calvary are all crammed on one couch, overflowing to standing-room-only, and Diddy has the biggest most comfy chair I’ve ever seen. I guess that one of the benefits of being King, is that you always get your own Lay-Z Boy throne. Very nice. I should apply for the so-called “king job.” I could use a nice chair.
He gives the Calvary a run-down of his three creations. The boys are a hip-hop soul group, reminiscent of a modern day New Edition. Oh really? I can’t wait to see which one becomes the breakout star, follows his own prerogative and gets Whitney Houston addicted to crack. His Brilloness is more of a clean slate who isn’t similar to anyone else. The biggest clean slate, of course, is his brain. (Sorry, that joke was just too easy.) But Danity Kane. This is where the greatest challenge comes in. All the girls can sing, but they all really need to be pushed to be the best they can be. He said they need songs that are more emotional in nature. Oh, MTV! You are doing that tricky foreshadowing thing again, aren’t you? You little trickster! I wonder what you are trying to tell us!
Bryan Cox, one of the producers and part of Diddy’s royal mounted police, gets inspired right away and creates a hot track for the boys. He plays it for them, and they all love it. And you know. I kinda like it too. Is that so wrong? Maybe I’m just SO happy to hear something other than “Exclusive” that my brain is more accepting of new songs for the boys.
Brillo is also in the studio but with Slam working on some new music. It’s a brief little snippet, so we don’t get to hear what he’s working on, but he seems inspired and ready to go.
But Danity Kane, however, things aren’t going so well for them. They are working with Producer Jim Beanz and are not excited because he has given them yet another slow, emotional, piano-driven piece of crap. All of the girls visibly cringe. D a.k.a. Ms. Lopsided Crazy Hair (sorry, y’all, I just can’t seem to get past the hair. It’s so distracting.) tells us that the song is nice, but they are looking for something more upbeat and energetic. They’ve done three songs, and they’ve all been slow. The girls have a vision of being more pop international, but the execs are pushing them in the opposite direction.
And what kind of studio are they IN anyway? The combination of old school looking wooden keyboard, fake silk flowers and an abundance of coathangers reminds me of my grandma’s attic. You’ll have to forgive me for the screengrab, but the only time they adequately showed the flowers and hangers was during a pan, so it’s a bit blurry. But I just HAD to show you guys.
All they need is a couch covered in plastic.
Aubrey meets up with Conrad outside who is relaxing in a nice reclined pool lounge. In the dark. With sunglasses on. Strange. And she tells him that the last album was more about learning and growing and that they found themselves. This new album should show that they’ve found themselves. Because they have been together for TWO YEARS afterall. Danity Kane knows exactly who Danity Kane is. And Danity Kane doesn’t sing ballads! Danity Kane are strong women, and they are gonna let you know what’s Up!
“Our vision includes more jazz hands!”
Conrad rebuts by saying that the girls need to understand the business of music. Translation: Diddy owns you now, bitch! So shut yo’ trap! Orangebrey said that she understands, as long as they can just get a little bit of themselves on the album, they’ll be happy.
I definitely give some props to Orango here. Yes, she’s always known as the loud mouth. But in the situation, it’s cool that she’s acting as the mouthpiece for the rest of the girls, stepping up, and negotiating their interests. That takes some balls. Or at least some really big beehive hair that may or may not be real.
After the commercial break, Diddy interrupt the “regularly scheduled program for a Making the Band special report.” Ok, this is a little cheesy Dids, but we’ll humor you. He tells us that he’s named the guys, and they are to be called “DAY26.” Ok, THIS is the breaking news? We’ve known this news for like two weeks now. He hasn’t even bothered to try to keep it a secret. We’ve just been playing along with him this whole time, pretending like we didn’t know they had a name in a feeble effort to humor him. But whatever, Diddy, you just named them and this is breaking news. Ok, fine. We’ll play along again.
I grabbed this by accident. But I’m totally sending it in to Ghost Hunters.
The second announcement he makes is that there’s been another outbreak of bitchassness. He said that in last week’s show when Q set up Brillo to get busted by Orangerella while on a date was a prime example of bitchassness. Ok, that’s just hilarious! I’m glad that Diddy is trying to keep his new word alive. He tells us that bitchassness is running rampant on the streets and instructs us to call him if we see another outbreak. 1-800-555-BITCHASSNESS. I actually tried calling the number, but it leads to some company called Hinkley Springs, and they want to know if I already have an agent serving me. I knew it wouldn’t work but was just curious all the same. That, and I wanted to make a report. I saw some bitchassness today. A strange man with a weird name that rhymes with “KIDDY” opened a show by screaming “I AM KIIIIIIING!” Bitchassness.
Back in the regularly scheduled program, Shannon, Dawn and Aundrea are in their Miami bedroom listening to their newest slow song while practicing the art of frowning. They agree that the song is not taking them in the direction they want to go in. They are tired of singing songs about being hurt and want to sing something more empowering.
Empowering like when you take a man back who just totally dissed you.
Day26 is having the polar opposite experience over at Circle House Studios. They are recording a new song called “Are We in This Together” that they are sure the clubs will eat up. Just as they are celebrating and dancing with Gandhi, Orangbrey enters the room with a slow speed conga line, holding onto the back of the music producer, Adonis. With a sour expression on her face, she bops along with the song and then asks, “Why do you guys have good music and we don’t? Can you give the girls a good song on our album because we don’t have one yet.” Then she makes a snarky comment about how they boys have 24 songs on their album and the girls don’t even have one good song. Nice quip, Aubs, but keep your day job and leave the snarkiness to me.
To celebrate the boys’ success, they all decide to hit the town that night and clubhop across Miami. But really they just start pounding drinks in the very first joint they step inside. Brian tells us have Robert has one too many drinks. But that assessment is rather on the modest end. I’d say that Robert had closer to 9-12 too many drinks because boy can barely walk. And I mean, I’ve had my fair share of drinks. I went to college at a Big Ten school in the middle of a cornfield where there is nothing to do but imbibe, imbibe, imbibe. And yet no matter how much I had, I could always walk home.
I never had to have my bandmate, Big Mike, prop me up and yet still fall over like a sack of sand, taking Mike with me. Which is exactly what happens here. And I never randomly fell in a flower bed on the side of the road (although my friend Ben did this once) right onto a cat. Which is exactly what happens here. And when I needed to sit down on a newspaper-dispenser-box-thingy, I could sit up pretty straight. Which is exactly what happens here. I also didn’t need my bandmate Mike to point out where the bathroom is located for me while I almost peed in the corner. Which is exactly what happens here. And I also didn’t accidentally fall into the tub. Which, yet again, IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS HERE. Yeah, so from this assessment, Robert had about 20 too many drinks.
“Is this the sink!? Am I shrinking?!”
The following morning, Marco the Trainer shows up for an early workout. From the way things ensued the night before, who do you think didn’t make it? Would you guess Robert? Well you’d be wrong! It was Willie! He randomly decides to sleep in.
You know, Brian is a little guy with a squeaky voice, but he has some niiiiiice muscles. Yum! For some reason, I never noticed that before. Maybe because I rarely notice, well, anything about him. Except for the shaved lines in his eyebrows a la Vanilla Ice style.
Then occurs a comedy of errors. Mike twists his knee while running. Q almost passes out. Brillo looks like he’s really struggling with like 10 pound weights. And Robert barfs. Diddy finds out, of course, because he is the all and powerful Oz and surprise surprise he’s not happy. He gathers the guys around and tells them to man up. He’s now going to push them even harder. Diddy tells us that he can’t trust the boys with his money because they might fuck it up. So to keep them in line, he’s going to bring in a den mother.
Even Diddy needs to have the cameras hidden…
When we come back, Diddy is interviewing a saucy man named Michael for the Den Mother position. Based on the types of people that Diddy has hired for this position, he must do his advertising for available jobs in the publication “Sassy Gays Weekly” or something.
The interview is brief, but we find out that Michael knows pretty much nothing about anything. Perfect! He’s hired!
Things Michael knows nothing about.
But even though Michael doesn’t know about, well, anything, he does know how to wake boys up and get them places in time. (Or so he thinks.) And as a former trainer for beauty pageants, he also knows what it takes to be on top.
“I’m never a bottom.”
The next morning at 5:45 a.m., Michael waltzes up to the one-bathroom mansion with his suitcases, ready to move in and mother a den. He rings the doorbell, and Aundrea wakes up to get the door. Orangebrey follows her close behind. And I just really need to point out that our Orange friend even SLEEPS in her headband! At this point, I’m pretty sure that it’s not a band, but some sort of growth that needs to be surgically removed. I also need to point out that Orange is sans make up and looks quite pretty. She really is such a naturally pretty girl. I just wish she’d tone down the make up a little.
Matching pajama/headband set
When Michael tells them he’s the new den mother, it triggers mad flashbacks of that horrible, verbally abusive, powertripping, chubby twit from MTB3. Ugh. For their sake, I hope that Michael is nothing like him.
Slowly everyone begins to emerge from bed to come meet Michael downstairs, and this, my friends, was the comedy of the year for me. THE COMEDY OF THE YEAR. And here’s why:
The highlight of my recapping career, thus far.
Big Mike is apparently quite the morning person. And Little Mr. Sunshine doesn’t seem to understand what’s going on. So he keeps inaudibly muttering in the background and then doesn’t understand why no one can hear him. I took many screengrabs of this because I just really laughed my head off here. I don’t know if it’s because he’s mumbling, frowning or being ignored, but whatever it was added up to comic gold.
I like to call this series: “Grumpy Mike 1-5.”
The guys have never heard the term “Den Mother” before. So I guess they never tuned into “Making the Band: The Danity Kane Years.” Brillo tells us, “I only have one mama, and that’s all I need. Except when Aubrey makes me call her ‘big mommy’ and pulls my hair.”
Speaking of hair. I think I’ve finally put my finger on why Brillo’s hair weirds me out so much. Yes, there’s the strange coarse quality. And, yes, it’s quite puffy. And, yes, it’s frosted within an inch of it’s life. But what I’ve failed to have really noticed is that his sideburns are sheared soooooo close and they go up so far. So it just looks weird. Super short sideburns going up and up and up until BOOM! BIG PUFF OF HAIR!
That night, DK is back in the studio awaiting a new song, hoping it will be up-tempo. Too bad! It’s another slow piece of crap about how they want their boy back. Orangebrey says to Shannon that she is willing to stand up to Diddy and say that they want their input taken seriously.
The following morning, Michael is already showing frustration with the boys, trying to get them out of bed and out the door on time. Considering that the boys lack major enthusiasm and all forms of discipline, it’s not an easy job. Michael predicts that they won’t make it in the music biz because they are all unprofessional divas. I don’t think they are necessarily divas, just majorly unmotivated. But tomato tomahto, I suppose.
The boys, upset at being called diva and having to call a man ‘Den Mother,’ go into full Operation Removal mode. Their plan is to torture Michael until he wants to quit. Maybe they should just sing “Exclusive” for him. That should do it.
The girls decide to sit down and talk with Conrad and Slam about their concerns in the direction the album is going. So they meet them back in Grandma’s Living Room for a full on fight. Orangebrey really takes charge of the whole matter and lets her big mouth flap all over the place. Something’s really off here, and this time it’s not just her taste in men. She unleashes Orangerella on them and says they really “hate. HATE HATE HATE!” some of the songs they are forced to do. The girls back up Orange and chime in that the songs are too mediocre. Conrad brings up the “P” word and says that on their first album they went platinum, so they can’t complain.
The conversation gets so heated that Slam decides that it’s time to call in the big guns: Diddy. But Diddy isn’t really the big guns, he’s more like a nuclear weapon. Good luck girls.
Day26 is still scheming, figuring out a way to get rid of their Mother Hen. Robert (of COURSE the bitchass) comes up with a plan to have Big Mike cry by the pool, whimpering that he feels bad that he can’t work out since he twisted his knee. Ok, this should work since we know the boys are good at fake crying…we’ve seen them squeeze out those tears during the 900 times we’ve heard them sing “Exclusive.” And to comfort Mike, Q and Robert will go wake up Michael and tell them that they need him out by the pool. When Michael comes out to talk to Mike, the other boys will shove him into the water. I was kind of hoping that Big Mike would just dump a huge bucket of water on him in his sleep like he did to Q a couple weeks ago, but I guess that we viewers can’t win the lottery twice in one season, so we have to settle for a less funny prank.
Well, the thing goes off without a hitch, which surprises me because the boys cannot suppress their laughter long enough to make it appear authentic. I have no idea how Michael didn’t sense something fishy was up.
After pushing him into the pool, they all run away and hide in the shower, of all places. Way to back yourselves into a corner guys. But Michael, upon realizing that it was all set up, doesn’t seek retaliation. He’ll leave that dirty work up to the girls.
This shower curtain is totally from Target, p.s.
Diddy really knows how to spend the big bucks.
Over at the studio, DK is finally having their meeting with Diddy. Diddy asks what they wanted to say, and all the girls just kind of sit there. Want happened to Orangerella? I guess the ‘Rella got put away this morning. Diddy says he’s ready to have it out, and they still just sit there. Finally he says, “Aubrey, you ain’t got nothin’ to say? You got such a big mouth when I’m gone.” And either Orange just engages him in an intense staring contest, or it’s edited really wacky because she just glares at him for awhile.
When we come back from commercial break, Orangey says that they really wanted to take over the pop international market, and since that’s not what’s happening, they are really confused and frustrated. Diddy gives them this whole speech about being on a team and respecting the coach. Yeah, yeah, there’s no “I” in “Team” or some shit.
Well, this isn’t looking so good. Orangebrey says that they understand it’s a compromise, and they won’t love everything. But right now they hate everything. Diddy says that he chose them because he has confidence in them, so now they must have trust in him.
Then out of nowhere, the clouds part and the sun shines down in a heavenly beam and Diddy APOLOGIZES. Apologizes, people! He gets off his high horse long enough to say that he didn’t communicate with them properly or really take their feelings into account at all. Of course the girls, and the rest of America, are completely shocked. I mean, he could practically shit a rainbow out of his ass, and I think I’d be less surprised.
The fat lady sings.
Now it’s time for a celebration barbeque! Hosted by Den Mommy! The girls are really clicking with Den Mom, so they decide that they need to get revenge on the boys for pushing him into the pool. They plan to take the cake, sing around the boys and pretend like they are going to feed it to them, and then shove it into their face. Reminds me of a nice white trash wedding reception.
Weapon of choice.
Their plot works, and I can’t help but think it is SUCH a waste of a delicious cake! Sacrilege! Cakes that beautiful are meant to be loved, savored and worshipped! Not smashed into a nasty boy’s face! Orangebrey is sitting with Brillo, by the by. And both are acting like all the drama from last week never occurred. I wonder what happened in there?
But then, just as the girls think they got their perfect revenge, Q smashes a big piece into Aub’s face. Oh hilarity.
Well when you do this to Brillo…
…this is often what results.
Back at Circle House Studios, the girls finally get a new upbeat club song that they love. Another happy ending. And all is well in Miami.
But before we can get away without being further irritated, Diddy breaks in with another special report saying that DK and Day 26 have their first singles up on MTV.com. Um, thanks again Dids for the old news. Those singles have been available now, for what? Weeks? But, sure, I suppose that we can continue playing along with the charade.
Have any of you guys had a chance to listen to them? What do you think?
Next week it looks like there is going to be a little drama with our favorite couple – Q and Dawn! And I can’t wait!