So I really wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to recap yet another season of Making the Band. I just didn’t know if anyone was still paying attention to all of that faux drama anymore. But then Flipit kept sending me season previews, and I just knew that I had to get back in the game. I mean, someone needs to sacrifice his/herself to cover all these catfights for everyone, right? So here we are, Gasmii. Hopefully we won’t regret it.
Danity Kane (minus the personality)
When our new season opens, it looks more like an episode of “Paranormal State” than it does anything on MTV. We see the city in tones of grey, with eerie, ghostly music playing over the background. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we got to re-live the story of Orangebrey, and at the end, an old woman to hobble out and say, “That’s my niece you describe…And she’s been dead for 50 years….” (You know, like that old hitchhiker ghost story? Yes?) Well, no such luck! The Orange is still alive and kickin’ it, only girl ain’t on this season! So where the drama will come from, I really haven’t any clue. Maybe we’ll just get some major bitchassness from those lazy boys over in Day 26.
Right away we are hit with a flashback from four months ago when the girls of Danity Kane told Diddy how unhappy they were. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, then you must know that Orangey and D.Woods were kicked out of the group. And now our three remaining members — Aundrea, Dawn, and Shannon — tearfully tell us how speechless they are because they really do care about one another and don’t want to lose their dreams.
They must be chopping an onion off-screen.
Okay, ladies, I’m just not buying it. You really can’t tell me that these girls aren’t just at least a *tiny* bit excited that the giant Orangina has left the building! Now there is no one to tart up their image and inject DK with a little STD. The show’s syphilis odds have officially dropped by 150% percent. They have to be grinning on the inside at least a bit, and we all know it. The tears are for themselves because now their fate is in the fickle hands of Diddy and his ever-changing mind.
FYI: Dawn has now made full transformation into Judy Jetson.
Then the man himself appears and tells us that breaking up is a reality in the music business. He cites some examples: The Beatles, *N Sync, Destiny’s Child, Outkast. By the way, he just loosely compared Danity Kane to The Beatles. I’m not sure that those words should ever be breathed in the same sentence EVER. AGAIN. But, I get his point. If The Beatles can break up, then I suppose anyone can. And, in this case, Orangebrey is just an under weight, over-sexed Yoko Ono.
The show’s intro is REALLY weird without D.Woods and Orangebrey. And also weird that Shannon is still in the picture even though I heard she’s no longer in the band and will not be on the show. But are we really going to miss that paper personality? Girl was a big snooze and y’all know it! She always seemed to me like she was against all fun. The could probably just prop up a cardboard cut-out of her in the background, and we’d never know the difference.
After the credits, Diddy appears in a very perky mood, and gives us a little recap. He tells us that Danity Kane has been acting crazy; Brillo is “in a fight for his life” because he has not yet had a hit; Day26 is going to London; and Diddy is working on his new album, but I won’t say the name of it because I don’t want to give him a plug. In fact, I think the whole reason for this season is just so he can plug himself. Not because he actually wants to make DK reconcile. Well the only plug he’s getting here is a foot-shaped butt plug because he really deserves a kick in the ass!
Now we see Brian, you know, the one with the corn rows and anger management problem? He talks like Mickey Mouse and generally screeches out his frustrations in octaves that are barely heard by humans. The dudes are already in London and are checking into their big fancy hotel. They are baffled that cars drive on the wrong side of the street and other ignorant things. All is happy and well in the English Land of Day26.
Well hellooooooo Jonas Brothers Scarf!
And then an alarm goes off with a voice that says, “Attention, please. It has become necessary to evacuate the building. Please leave the building immediately by the nearest exit.” I can hardly even fathom what is occurring because I’m just so surprised by how polite the alarm system is! Our systems here just ring and screech and make you want to scratch your own ears off, and are usually accompanied by ZERO instructions. It is such an obnoxious sound that you don’t even have to be told to leave the building; you just WANT to in order to escape the hellish sound!
“Ahem, pardon me, good sirs. It appears to be that we have quite the debackle. Would you please do me the favor of kindly exiting the building in an orderly fashion? Why thank you very much, and hope it wasn’t too much of a bother! Love, Sir Alarm Siren, Esquire”
All of the guys scramble around, grabbing their stuff and run out the door. They are so panicked that I am just waiting for them to stop, drop and roll. They run into the lobby and a girl at the front desk is casually giggling. They ask why she’s so calm when the building is burning down, and she replies “It’s procedure.” Ah, it was only a test. It must be the first Tuesday of the month. Feeling dumb, the guys head back upstairs and play it off as though they knew it was a test all along. Hardy har, enough of this wacky filler, where is the drama???
What the girl meant to say was, “THIS. IS A TEST. THIS. IS ONLY A TEST.”
Oh a breaking news segment. And to think that I’d forgotten about these. How awful. Diddy announces that there is going to be a new season of Making the Band, called — get this — “Making HIS Band.” It will be about Diddy making his album and going on a world tour. Well at least he’s going to stop pretending that all of these vehicles exist for any reason other than to promote his own stuff.
Back in London, the guys are on one of those double-decker bus tours. We meet Karen, the tour guide. And Big Butter Mike tells us that it’s funny because she has an accent. Because accents are hilarrrrrrrrrious! I love those cRaZy TaLkiN’ England folk! Like Margaret Thatcher = comedienne of the YEAR! But not hilarious enough to keep the guys awake because they all get bored, and Brian shamelessly falls asleep with head bobbing and mouth drooling and the whole works. Really, what does it take to ignite a fire under these guys? Season after season they seem bored, lazy, and largely unimpressed. Are they all max’d out on a Xanax/Lithium cocktail? Come to think about it, I’m shocked they even ran from the “fire” at the hotel. More fittingly would have been if they’d just cut their losses and laid down to die.
This inspires me to go to a Day26 concert and take a nap.
Oh but then Karen mentions “The Da Vinci Code” and suddenly God has breathed life into Day 26. They all perk up and start taking pictures. And then she points out a landmark that was in “The Mummy.” Okay, now she’s speaking their language: movies. Until she shows them Waterloo Station and mentions Abba. Then they’re lost again.
Next, our men go on the London Eye, and this is where things get really philosophical. Robert brings up Danity Kane and says that he doesn’t understand what happened. Being in a group should make you tighter, not break you up. Que says that the obvious problem was that Orangebrey posed nude on the internet. Aaaaaand you guys rip off your shirts during every single show to the point where it now bores me. The difference is rather subtle, I’d say.
Back in New York, Brillo meets with Diddy, and he looks scared shitless. Diddy informs him that he needs to get a hit single — and soon. Diddy says that Brillo is too nice and quiet, and he needs to make some noise and let the world know he’s there. I think it’s time for Brills to stage a publicity stunt. I haven’t seen that Kimberly Stewart in awhile. He should really consider knocking her up. Or maybe he can join a Lindsay Lo/Samantha Ro love triangle. Or go spend the night in jail with Paris Hilton. Okay, at the very least, he should get a DUI! And with his permanent helmet of hair, he wouldn’t even get hurt in a car accident. Do it, Brillo!!! Do it!!! But instead of embracing this sort of nonsense, Brillo mentions that he is WRITING SONGS! OMG, y’all! What kind of musician does THAT!? He’s so going to be in troubs! And he is! Diddy thinks it’s presumptuous that Brills should be thinking about other projects when he might not have a career after his current one. And BLAM! The Brillo was burnt to a crisp like yesterday’s bacon.
“But I have this amazing called ‘Under My Umbrillo-illo-illo…’”
SIGH, FINALLY. Time to see what’s up with the girls. Now it’s Dawn’s turn to meet with Diddy, and she hasn’t seen him since Danity Kane broke up. Dawn, of course, meets Diddy in the studio just so we can hear him working on a new song. And, frankly folks, it is an auto-tuning mess. I’m sick of listening to robots singing. Diddy actually stops singing, says, “This needs to sound more soulful.” And then starts OVER sounding just as roboty! ROBOTS DO NOT HAVE SOULS! Well, except for that little boy in “A.I.” That kid was just SAD. But other than that kid, they are soulless destroyers, only interested in taking down us, our government, and our planet to complete world domination. Have we not seen “The Terminator?” We know how it ends!
“I just happen to be singing. What?! The cameras are here?! I’m so embarrassed! Shoulda worn my pearls!”
Anyway, Diddy wraps up and sits down with Dawn. She says that she’s only talked to Aundrea, but she hasn’t heard from Shannon. Diddy asks if anyone said anything in interviews to mess things up for the remaining three. Dawn says that she thinks Shannon is following instructions from a lawyer because she won’t mention the group at all. Then she says that everyone hates her because they think she’s a snitch. Well, I guess she is always the one running to the Dids. I hadn’t thought about it before, but Dawn is totally the snitch! Diddy says that if they are going to move on, then he can only wait for so long. Ooooo pressure!
On the other side of New York, Brillo meets with his mom in what appears to be a very low-class diner or perhaps a Steak ‘n’ Shake. And her name is Michelle Cirillo! Haha! Totally rhymes with BRILLO! The fates must love us because that is a jackpot. Michelle is hilarious, p.s. She looks like a hard-talking, gum-chewing, low budget waitress who takes more cigarette breaks than actually works. I can tell that I am going to love her!
Brillo tells his mom about his meeting with Diddy and says he’s worried that he’s going to meet a similar fate as Orangebrey. Mommarillo says that the way Orangebrey spoke to him and portrayed herself was disrespectful, and because Brillo is very respectful, he shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Brillo says that it doesn’t matter; Danity Kane sold millions of albums and Diddy didn’t hesitate letting her go. He snaps that he’s very stressed out, and I find “personality” to be very becoming on Brillo. He should show this more often. He’s kind of cute when he’s all mad and eating steakburgers in a diner. I just want to slather him in chili mac and have my way!
Back in London, the guys are wondering what happened to Big Butter. He went out to find a phone card and never came back. The reality that they even still make phone cards is beyond me. I thought those were extinct! But I don’t have long to ponder because the guys get into a HUGE fight about who wants to look for Big Butter MORE. It’s so ridiculous and mostly between Robert and Que. What’s silly is that while they are fighting, they aren’t looking for Big Butter!
The next morning, Dawn calls home to tell her parents how her meeting went with Diddy. She says it feels weird being alone, and she feels like she’s continually put in a bad position because when she tells the truth, things get destroyed. She says she doesn’t know what to do. Her dad says there’s nothing else she can do and to go on with her life. Dawn says she just wants it to be like it used to be. The phone is totally silent. Much like me, her parents probably stopped listening to her and went back to picking at their fingernails.
Dawn works on creating a Dutch Over for One.
Back in London! The guys are eating breakfast, and Big Butter is present, so I assume they found him. It’s nice that that ending was artfully tied up. We don’t even know if he found that phone card! I would really like to know and see proof that these great artifacts still exist. Again, the boys talk about how they don’t want to be like Danity Kane. Will tells us that every time they are interviewed, people bring up how groups from reality tv never make it. But the one example they always give is Kelly Clarks — oops, I mean, Danity Kane. So now the only example left is Kelly Clarks — oops, I mean, Day 26. Brian says that whatever they decide to do outside of Day 26, they need to remember that the group is their nucleus. And I am kind of impressed that Brian used a word like “nucleus.”
Big Butter Lives
The next day, our guys make their London debut at the indigO2 arena. Awesome. They pack the house and do a good job. Nothing to report, really. They play their old hits like “Come with Me” and … Totally can’t remember the names of the other songs, but they do sound somewhat familiar. And I even like them, and I don’t really know what that says about me other than I am brainwashed and/or delusional. Or maybe they really are decent? Either way, we should all be scared.
Back at the hotel, Que asks Robert how he feels for Orangebrey and D.Woods. Rob says that he feels sorry for D because she got cut for only being a loyal friend. Que says that he doesn’t understand why Orange and D put their pride before Danity Kane. Robert takes us on a little tour through the history of Making the Band. First there was Da Band, and we see a lot of fist fighting flashbacks. Man, that show was awesome! What a delightful disaster! They went gold but didn’t have chemistry and were broken up.
A historical walk down memory lane
Then there was Danity Kane, and they had the same problems. They were dismantled even though they had two #1 singles. Robert says that if you look at history, it’s all a joke. They just killed a show, but it doesn’t matter how good they are. That doesn’t mean they will last. Um, did Robert really just analyze historical trends to draw a conclusion for the future? I always did peg him for the “evil genius” type…
The preview for the rest of the season looks pretty ominous. It shows the guys fighting a LOT and possibly turning on Que. Will they last?
What did you guys think? Is this season going to be fun or a dud?
See you Thursday!