I just moved into a new apartment this weekend, so I recap this week’s episode of Making the Band entirely from a small plot of room in front of the front door and leaning up against a full length mirror. This is the only spot where I can clearly steal a WiFi signal from the neighbs. So let’s get this thing in the can before my butt starts to hurt, shall we?
Or else I’m going to throw a fit like this kid!
We pick up where we left off last week after Dawn and Aundrea’s meeting with Diddy. Deflated, the last two standing members of the now-defunct Danity Kane schlep out of the room and return to their fancy hotel in defeat. Poor girls! They look so sad! It could be worse though. They could be running miles and miles around Central Park with Diddy following them in a rickshaw. Our girls talk about how it’s not fair that Diddy blames them for the downfall of the group, and how they can’t make anyone be there who doesn’t want to. Dawn says that if D.Woods and Shannon don’t return, then the group is officially dunzo. They decide that they must reach out at least one more time and try to get the other girls back. Please cue Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Tuuuhhh-IIIME.”
Sarah Palin, half-up beehive
After the opening credits, we come back to Diddy reading his own t-shirt. He explains that he’s admiring at his new Sean John logo. As I watch this, all I can think about is that “Puffy is Poison” iRant that many of you pointed out to me and insisted that I watch. I think the reason it is hilarious is because it is so spot-on! I expect for his shirt to burst into acidic flames at any minute simply because he has touched it.
His shirt is red because RED IS THE COLOR OF SLUT.
The men of Day26 are moving into a house together. It is a large apartment in a high rise in NYC. They goof around and check out their new pad. They are especially excited because there is a shower head installed about half-way up in the shower stall. As Robert says, “Heh heh, you can wash out your private area!” Yes, because without the lower shower head, you wouldn’t ever be able to wash below the waist, Robert. Sometimes I wish Robert were on this show more often. With the types of stuff that comes out of his mouth, it makes my job a WHOLE lot easier.
Then our guys dance and sing the theme song for “The Jeffersons.” Okay, is this REALLY how I’m spending the my Monday night? Watching these guys dance around an apartment? I am sitting on a hardwood floor, and my butt feels like it is hurting for no reason except to watch a lot of filler. Can’t we cut past all this and get straight to the nut meat? Sometimes I wonder why this show isn’t just a half hour. Because that would be PLENTY.
Meanwhile, Will sits down in a Victorian-style phone room and calls his wife on an antique phone. What is with this room? That phone is so old that it should have a crank on it! Is this a reenactment of Charles Dickens’ “Prince and the Pauper?”
Word of the Day: Paisley.
Will tells us that he has a three-year-old son named Kavion who is his heart, and he really misses him. On the phone, Will’s wife (whose name I have forgotten) says she needs a break and should take him. So Will agrees to take Little K for a couple days. We can hear the little monster screaming in the background, and I just KNOW this is going to be good!
Will sits the other members of Day26 down in the kitchen and proclaims that he has good news. “Have you heard the good news?” And here I thought the only people who said that were neatly dressed young men on my front steps with Bible in hand. The good news is that his son is coming to visit. The guys freak out and say it’s NOT good news. They all say he’s bad. A hurricane, if you will. So here we are, Gasmii. Five men and a baby! All I hope is that Brian grows an awesome ’80s Tom Selleck-style mustache.
Judging from this reaction alone, I would assume that Will just announced an imminent visit from the devil.
Aaaaaaand Kavion is officially in town! He looks just like a real life “My Buddy” doll. So for anyone who had the childhood dream of their doll coming to life to become their real life friend, here you go! (I know I especially felt that way about my stuffed animal Fievel.) Will is really happy to see Little K and his wife. And it’s hilarious because the second Will picks up Kavion, his wife BOLTS without so much as a “see ya later, gator.” She is just OUTTA THERE. It’s almost as if she were dropping off Damien from “The Omen.”
Someone please check that boy’s scalp!
Now Brillo arrives. He asks Kavion if he remembers him, and he does. Brillo then tells us that Kavion is the smartest three-year-old he’s ever met. Because in Brillo World, even toddlers are brainiacs compared to him! Then Little K does a Michael Jackson impersonation or something. Whoa, Will better keep that down to a minimum. The last thing we need is for cutie-pie Kavion to get Michael Jackson’s attention! We all know what happens during slumber parties at NeverLand Ranch, amiright? Then Brillo repeats that old boring story of how Diddy told him not to write songs. Yawn. I am so over that story. What’s with the canned routines, Brill Pad? Find a new story to tell, please. Thanks.
Dawn enters the “house” to visit Que and is jealous because the guys are living it up while she and Aundrea are slumming it in a huge, gorgeous hotel room in Manhattan. Listen up here, Dawn: When I visited NYC with my two friends, the only room we could afford was one where we shared a toilet with three other rooms and all slept in one queen-sized bed. So please don’t complain to me about how your room is “gross.”
Dawn tells us that she used to be resentful toward the Danity Kane’s break-up because she felt like she was left with no answers. She said that none of them are going to sell out a stadium on their own. She doesn’t understand how none of the other girls are hungry like she is. She says that she still doesn’t understand why they broke up and that they don’t have to get along, as long as they get along on the stage. I think it’s pretty clear why they broke up: PUFFY IS POISON!
Please report to “Puffy is Poison Anonymous” immediately.
Robert and Brian ask if she’s talked to anyone other than Aundrea. She says that she talked Shannon and that something in Shannon’s heart is telling her that she doesn’t want to do it anymore. Shannon is afraid to be let down again. Shannon is apparently living with someone WITH her husband, has no money for a home and barely sees her man. What? How did that happen? Shannon always seemed like the responsible one of the bunch. The one who might have saved for a rainy day. Or at least might have married a sugar daddy.
The next morning, all of our guys are sleeping except for Will and Kavion, and THIS, my dear Gasmii, is HILARIOUS. Will instructs Kavion to go beat up Big Butter. Kavion is confused for about one minute before darting across the room. Kavion inspects Big Butter and then grabs a book from Will. Will tells him to hit him in the head HARD. He konks BB right on the head, but it hardly stirs the beast.
Kavion reenacts the Bible. Part 1: David and Goliath
Across the hall, Brillo has stumbled upon an ancient, keyboard graveyard.
Dawn visits Diddy, and he asks why she looks so down. Um, you destroyed her life? You are poison? You always make her feel like crap? Just a hunch! She says she feels worn out. He asks her if she’s talked to Shannon. She says that Shannon is on the cusp, so they are going to San Francisco to reel her in. She tells us that they are paid to make appearances for their fans. She, Aundrea, and Shannon are still on contract to fulfill an appearance in San Francisco.
Back to Will, he is busy spoiling the shit out of Kavion. If anyone wonders why this kid is the devil, then I think we’ve found our answers. (1) Will instructs him to beat up sleeping people. (2) The kid is completely spoiled. Will takes Kavion to Central Park and then to Serendipity for ice cream. And then to the toy store. Will says that he spoils him but also puts his foot down. Putting his foot down, meaning that he brushes his teeth and bathes him, and other basic things that he’d have to do to avoid child services. Will makes him a lovely bubble afro. Then they read a bedtime prayer.
This part is so cute that I really couldn’t not show you pictures. So here you are. Get the cuteness out of your system now, so that we can please move on without distractions. After all, we still have to get to all of that Shannon crapola.
Awesome. Now get yourselves together!
Now we’re in San Francisco where are girls are hosting a club. Dawn says their fans are showing love even though they’ve had such a public breakup. It confirms that they need to get back on track. They sing “Damaged” with just the two of them, and it is horribly SAD! Two people does not a group make. (Sorry, that was my twisted Yoda way of saying a sentence. Oh, whatever, don’t act like you haven’t seen Star Wars.)
Dawn tells us that Shannon is there with them, but she has decided not to follow through with filming this season until she’s sure it’s something that she wants to be a part of. She says they respect her decision and hopes she comes back. The crowd chants her name and then everyone shrieks. I guess she’s there? But in PHANTOM FORM. I would like to believe that Shannon was in some terrible, fiery accident and is now horribly deformed. She is in hiding until we forget what she looks like so she can reemerge with a new face and we won’t notice. That totally happened on “One Life to Live” in the mid-to-late ’80s with the character of Max. Ring a bell? Anyone?
Judging from this girl’s reaction, I’d say my prediction is pretty accurate.
Forlorn, Dawn and Aundrea return to their hotel. Dawn says that Diddy will tell them they didn’t try hard enough. Aundrea says that if Shannon wanted to be here, she would be, so it might be time to give up. Dawn asks how Aundrea would feel if they got another girl. Aundrea is scared to bring another girl into the group without knowing her intentions. And how will the fans feel? Aundrea says it will be a gamble, but she wants it to be something that she believes me. They decide to go out for a night of black/latin love and have a few drinks. Uh-oh, it’s the new Ebony and Ivory, and we all know how THAT turned out! They drink very full glasses of wine, and then make a drunken decision to crash the guys’ house. They pack their bags and arrive at the “house.” They pretend like they are sneaky and incognito except that they are too drunk to even navigate through the rotating doors.
When they walk in, Big Butter is confused. He tells us, “I was just thinking to myself: You don’t live here.” Will says they love him, but they cannot stay. Big Butter lets them have the “groupy room,” which is the skanky term for “guest room.”
Why is Robert dressed like an apocalyptic cowboy?
The next morning, it’s time for Kavion to go home. He and Will are both sad. Kavion eats a waffle and demands that Will comes home with him. Kavion says goodbye to everyone, gets his bags and leaves. He definitely seems more excited to see his mom than anything. But he doesn’t want to say goodbye to his dad.
But the show isn’t quite over yet! Andrea and Dawn still have to tell Diddy that they have failed on their almighty quest. They tell him that Shannon doesn’t want to be in the group anymore, but they do. This causes Diddy to ask how they’d like to do that. Like, they think that, like, getting a third girl might be, like, awkward, but it also, like, might be smart. I never realized how much Aundrea says “like” until right now. Geez, lady. Diddy says that he will reach out to Shannon and D. Woods and make sure that everyone is sure of their decision. I think he’s setting us up for another season of casting for Danity Kane, don’t you? He then questions Aundrea. He says that, originally, one of the first people who wanted to leave was her. So why should he put a group together around her if she’ll just want to leave again? She says that she wanted to leave because of issues within the group and not because she didn’t want to be IN a group. Diddy plays the pity card and says the whole ordeal was stressful for HIM, so he needs to think it over…
Next week, the guys fight over their contract, Brian has anger management issues, and Robert wears another hat.
Thanks, everyone who recommended the “Puffy is Poison” iRant! Totally hilarious! And definitely a walk down memory lane. For anyone who missed it, please click here.