This week on Making the Band, we learn that no one is safe from the failing economy. And that Diddy’s Trickle Down Economics never quite seem to trickle down to those who work for him.
But at least the show is no longer trying to pretend like Shannon is still a member of Danity Kane. So we’ve come a long way in the Denial Department.
We open with Diddy telling us that Brillo did not come out with a #1 album, but most artists do not come out with a #1 album. 99% of artists’ first albums are not a #1 album. Diddy asks if Brillo has what it takes to be a superstar. And then he finally stops holding us hostage with his mindless drivel and let’s us watch the Goddamn show! This series is getting so predictable. We open every week with Diddy being obnoxious and then segue straight into a scene where the guys of Day26 are being super lazy.
Billy Goat Gruff must cross the bridge before waking the sleeping ogre.
It’s 6:20 in the morning, and our guys are doing what they do best — snoozing. But Brillo is getting up to promote his music. This whole week is non-stop appearances for Brills. He is first off going to Mall of America to let his fans know that his album is for sale in the mall. Wait, HOLD UP! Let’s rewind. Is that REALLY the Mall of America?
Nope, our ears aren’t broken. They really did say “Mall of America.”
Egads, he is devolving right before our very own eyes. He went from sold-out mega concert opening for Danity Kane to VEGAS where all good careers go to die a peaceful death and then to the MALL. A mall in Minnesota, no less. He is officially joining the hit-making ranks of Tiffany in the category of “mall performances.” The place where all teeny-bopper superstars go when the masses begin to shun them, in one last effort to reconnect with their fan base. But Tiffany hasn’t had a hit since, oh, 1985? Mall revival rarely culminates in success. We are officially seeing a dead horse being beat, Gasmii.
Okay, so we are at the Mall. And just past Deb and 5-7-9, we see screaming fans. 73% of them probably just want to be on MTV. That is entirely my guestimate, of course. There are literally tens of them. He performs a couple songs, takes off his shirt and then does an autograph signing. Some giggly Asian girls give him a birthday card. He is surprised that people know when his birthday is. Me too. It’s funny with this thing they call the Internet. You can surf it and find a few facts here and there. It’s very bizarre and largely under-utilized. Okay, let’s leave this Minneappolan metropolis behind and see what’s going down with Day26. It’s been 15 hours. They should be out of bed by now.
A-ha! Good morning, Brian! I hope you are extra screechy and angered today! Because I love consistency! Brian explains to us that there is a lot of tension in the guys’ household because they don’t have a lot of money right now. They were in the studio making their second album, but they had to stop recording because the deal isn’t done being negotiated. Now they are entirely at a standstill. Brian says they do have management, and he goes by the name of “Screwface.” NO WAY. One word of advice: Never take advice from people named things like Screwface or Pinhead or Leatherface or Jigsaw. They do not have your best interests in mind! They want to invade your dreams with nightmares that are so bad that you can actually DIE in them. Or else hang your live body from a hook in the kitchen and then dice you up with a chainsaw. Sure, they lure you in with intelligent legal advice and management tips, but then your fate is in their hands! Run, Brian! Run like the wind!
“Men, I feel like you are wasting your lives. I have kidnapped you and will make you play a game I’ve developed in order to ‘save’ you.”
Screwface visits the house and sits down with Day 26. He says that the deal is about 75% negotiated and still needs some compromise, but he feels really good about it. The guys look uncomfortably somber. Robert speaks up and asks if they can get back into the studio before the deal is finalized. Screwface says, no, absolutely not. Robert explains to us that they don’t have an advance, and the only way they can make money is by doing shows. But they can’t do shows while they are booked to be in the studio. So they have zero dollars plus zero dollars. And that equals — altogether now, Gasmii! — zero dollars! Man, Robert is actually pretty good at explaining all of this financial stuff. Maybe he should have an MTV special called “Bitchassness Explains the Stimulus Package,” and then we all might actually understand crap like that.
Simple math for the bitchassness mind.
We find out that Que is especially stressed because his father died when he was four. He’s only 20 now and has the pressure of supporting his family. He says that he’s living a big life, and theoretically he should be able to support them. But he has zero cash flow. Is anyone else wondering where the money went from the last tour? Sure, a large portion of it Robert probably blew on dumb hats. But the rest of it couldn’t have just burst into flames. Does anyone else wonder if it was intercepted by warlords? And by “warlords,” of course I mean Diddy. I’m starting to get angry at how greedy he is. His bands are suffering, and he’s pouring out bottles of Ciroc in the floor.
Brian decides that he’s bored, so he decides to see what Brillo is doing. Brills is sitting at the keyboard. Uh oh! He better not be writing music! Brillo says that he has a show at a Sweet Sixteen in Staten Island. Oh my god! That’s worse than a mall! Now he’s just at some girl’s birthday party! This devolution is moving at lightning speeds.
Now it’s time for a geography lesson! Geography lesson with Brian and Brillo.
Question: Brian would like to know the difference between Long Island and Staten Island?
Answer: Brillo explains that Long Island is where he is from. Staten Island is where Wu-Tang is from. While there may be other minor differences, that is the main determining characteristic.
Moving right along, we are now in Staten Island at the Lauren’s sweet sixteen glamorama, and Brillo is very excited. He says that these parties allow him to connect directly with the fan base because this is his audience. I wonder what his going rate is? I want to book him for my party. I will even pay top dollar. What do you say? 20…30 bucks? All in ones? Stuffed in his g-string? He sings Dr. Love to the birthday girl, and she stands awkwardly on stage. She is probably wondering who he is and why MTV did this to her. Brillo had such a great time that he says even if his career ends, at least he’s having fun today. Ah yes, the power of optimism. He must be reading The Secret.
Lauren shows us that you’re never too young for a sugar daddy.
Back in New York…things are getting a little heated as our men all get cranky about being in limbo with their careers. Suddenly Robert is mad and yelling, and I have to rewind to see what happened. Okay, I guess he’s mad because they have no shows? Que says he knows it’s a business, but he can’t see clearly because his family is weighing on him. Brian says that Que is too young to even buy alcohol, so he’s not old enough to hold down a household. While I agree with Brian, the reality of Que’s life seems to be atypical, so it’s not like he can pretend his problems don’t exist. Wow, that was very generous of me. Perhaps I AM a good person after all!
Que has dinner with Dawn because she understands his situation. She’s also in limbo and doesn’t have any money. She says that Day26 should stick together and see that the band is bigger than themselves instead of making it every man for himself. Learn from the great lesson of Danity Kane, Que! They sacrificed themselves, so that you could live!
Down in Lexington, KY, Brillo is making an appearance at a radio studio. He tells the DJ that he gets goosebumps when he hears his songs on the radio. Okay, please tell me Gasmii: HAVE YOU EVER HEARD HIS SONG ON THE RADIO!? I have NEVER heard one in Chicago, and I’m starting to wonder if this whole thing is a ruse.
Apparently, the station has set up a game called “Win a Date with Donnie.” (Another sign that he is devolving: He is now being whored out in Kentucky.) There are two contestants: Meghan and Tiffany. They will be asked trivia questions, will buzz in, and get a point if they answer them correctly. They get asked where he’s from, what color his eyes are, and what his first single is.
Who wants to be a Brillionaire?
The bonus question is to write down as many of his song titles as possible. Meghan only knows “Dr. Love” and “Take You There,” so Tiffany wins and gets to accompany him to a bar and grill. She says, “I just gotta tell you, I love ‘Dr. Love.’ It’s just one of those songs that just kinda hits me.” Yeah, hits me with an anvil repeatedly until I want to die. She then borrows a word from the 90s and says that she halfway expected him to be….a butthead. But he actually seems nice and down to earth. Okay, yes. I’ll give him that. Brillo might not have much charisma or smarts, but he does seem nice. There.
“In your own words, tell me the greatest difference between Dr. Love and Dr. Mario.”
Back in the unhappy world of financial crisis, Que tells Robert that his sister is out of school and his mom just quit her job. He says that even though he was just working at McDonald’s before, at least he got a consistent check every week. Now he has to decide between having dinner and saving money for his family. Robert says that Will has a son and Brian has two kids, so he just needs to hold on. Yes, correct. Brian has two kids. I don’t even know what to say about that, so we’ll just move along. Que cries and says he needs help. Robert says that so many people want to be them, they need to realize what they’ve got. I am met with imagery inside of my head of Diddy holding Que upside down by his ankles and shaking him until all of the coins fall out of his pockets.
Robert displays a winter hat for Trojan soldiers. Fun yet versatile.
The next morning, Que is packing to go home. He says that his mom called him crying, and he can’t take it any more. Will says that he feels him. They are in the limelight, but they are not making limelight money, and they need to be honest to themselves. He says that the first person he’ll give money to is his mom, but he’s not there yet. Will listens and encourages Que to stay. I love Will. He always seems like the most grown up, down to earth member of the group. Will: I approve.
The guys go to the dance studio, figuring that they might as well work on their moves while they’re not doing anything else. And guess who meets them there? Laurie Ann “Boomcat” Gibson! We get to relive her drama but Brian, but apparently that is all in the past. Her hair looks like it’s been hacked up by a flowbee, but otherwise very little has changed. They practice their moves to “Come with Me” and some boomcats. They do a fantastical job. How on earth is everything so good? There must be something wrong! If the guys aren’t acting lazy and bored, then Boomcat smells a rat.
“My hair might have been chopped up by an electric-powered vacuum attachment, but I smell sense some cornjuice in this room.”
Boomcat wants to know what is going on. Que and Will explain their money situation. They ask her how she feels about Danity Kane breaking up. She hims and haws and says that they’ve seen all the breakups, so they can use that as an example of what not to do. For Diddy so loved the world, that he gave the life of his only girl band.
To cheer the boys up, Dawn and Aundrea throw a Mardi Gras party. They hire a full band, make lots of drinks, and get lots of beads. It’s just like a Zatarain’s commercial! If you can’t stand the heat, then stay out of the bayou! But Que just lies around and feels depressed. He thinks everyone else is in denial about needing money, and no one is on his same page.
This show needs more cowbell.
Aundrea and Dawn sit down with Boomcat who wants to know what happened. Dawn says she doesn’t really know. But they were on a path, and some people weren’t pleased about the pace of the path. They wanted something instant. Aundrea said she knew that the break-up would happen at same point. Boomcat says she saw it coming before it happened. But she always saw the potential in Dawn’s, Aundrea’s, and Shannon’s heart. Boomcat says the fans want to know that they’ve fought and that people can move on from adversity. Afterall, Boomcat was once fired by Diddy and lived. But let’s pretend that never happened.
The next morning, everyone cleans up from the party. There are somehow garbage bags full of beads and pee on the floor. Everything stinks. Maybe Diddy dropped a bottle of his god-awful “I Am King” cologne. Que continues to feel stressed and be unhappy.
Robert and Dawn understand Que’s financial situation, but they have decided that this is a good time to visit the Pokonos. What? I know, right. They offer to pay for Que, but he says it’s embarrassing to have someone pay for him. Que gets mad and says he’s going home. Brian yells from the next room that he’s not going anywhere. He says that leaving won’t solve the problem. Que wants to go home to work in the meantime. He doesn’t want to be there because everyone is messing with his pride and sanity. Will eats noodles. Then Brian starts screaming about how he understands the situation and isn’t leaving. Then he forces Que to hug him, and it is very uncomfortable and strange.
“Don’t tell me you don’t want this hug! You’re dressed like you want it!”
Next week, Que’s drama continues as he fights with Dawn and the rest of the group. And it looks like Will will finally get involved in all the drama.
So what do you all think? Is Que over-reacting? Is it possible for Brillo to revive a career that never even lived?
See you tonight for a new episode!