This week on Making the Band, Que says that Will is selfish and jealous and cannot see past his selfishness and jealousy because he’s much too selfish and jealous to realize how selfish and jealous he is. Got that? Me neither. On with the show!
“Willie’s just a big mean meany!”
Drama. The beauty of emotions. Standing on the precipice of a turning point.
This episode starts off in slow motion and black and white. And, I, for one, am swept away by the intense emotions that it creates. It’s so dramatic that Diddy must have especially hired Steven Spielberg to direct this episode in order to capture the emotional highs and lows. The riveting turmoil that takes place in the everyday lives of our fine heroes and heroines. It’s gripping. It’s honest. It’s gritty.
Who are we kidding? This week is just as stupid as all the others!
Dawn tells us that Que is going through a hard time because he’s trying to take care of his sisters and mother and move them to a safer environment. She says they are working ridiculously hard but not seeing the fruits of any of that labor. And what little you do make, you split with four other people. Hmm….four ways…one-fourth? Where is Robert to explain this complex math to us? More ridiculous than how hard the guys are working is Dawn’s hat, which has reached an all new level of ridiculousness all on its own. I wonder if she is challenging Robert in a game of Hat Ridiculosity.
Que cries to us, saying that his financial stress has caused him to lash out and do things that are out of character. Not only is he broke, but he is riddled with guilt. It is downright Shakespearean! Dawn tells him not to lash out at the wrong people. He’s lucky because he has people who really love him. Please allow me to quote Earnest Hemmingway when he so poignantly said, “Que said nothing.” This episode is truly evoking the wisdom of several literary geniuses: Shakespeare, Hemmingway, Suess.
Back from the commercial break, Diddy gives his God-awful toilet water a shameless plug. Although I must admit, I am just a bit curious to know what his cologne smells like. Does “asshatness” have a scent? He tells us that the honeymoon is over for Day26. When you get a record deal, the misconception is that you are instantly filthy rich. But they have to sell a lot more records and do a lot more shows before they’ll make money. Pretty much this is Diddy’s damage control segment. He wants us to know that the guys are broke, but it’s not his fault. How wonderfully transparent!
Meanwhile, Capt. Teeter-Totter would like to play a game.
The men are meeting with Screwface to find out when they’ll make the money. Please note that Screwface’s real name is “Joseph Charles.” You really can’t get much more vanilla than that. Oh the irony. Will takes the reins and says that the financial stress is pushing them to the edge. And if they don’t start making money, then they’re done. Because at the end of the day, you work to make money. And if you aren’t making the money, then you start wondering what you’re doing here. Agreed! It’s a good thing that TVgasm pays me so well! Oh. Wait. All the men glare at Screwface. He says that the reality is that they will have bad times. But he’ll make those bad times less bad.
Robert’s hat is displeased.
Our men head to dinner. And whereas I expect them to be going through the nearest McDonald’s drive-thru to order off the dollar menu, they go to a nice, fancy place. And I’m not talking the Olive Garden here. They’re at a swanky New York hot spot. So now we’ve deduced two areas where the money has gone: (1) Robert’s dumb hats, and (2) Swanky expensive restaurants. Que says that he has nothing to show for all the hard work (other than the food in his belly that’s slowly making its way to the large intestine), and he needs to take care of his responsibilities at home. Robert says that the early bird catches the worm. And the bird’s nest grindin’ like that. Everyone pretends to know what Robert means. But he might as well be speaking Japanese. Have you ever noticed that Big Butter says nothing? They constantly put the cameras on his blank stare but nothing is emoted. Big Butter is dead inside. And dead to me, for that matter. Que tries to repeat his broken record of pity, and Will almost interrupts. Que gets pissed at the attempted interruption and a minor spat ensues. What is UP with Que, y’all? Someone needs to cut that man’s estrogen dosage!
An-an-an-and then Big Meany Will tried to interrupt me. And it hurt my tender feelings.
Woo hoo! Breaking news! “Making HIS Band” is coming to Chicago for auditions. If you’ve been following this long enough, then you know I work in TVgasm’s fine Chicago Offices. Remind me not to leave my house. I don’t want to catch The Diddy. Because as we have now learned from previous weeks: “Puffy is Poison.”
Dawn and Aundrea have found the place is a mess. There is even a ketchuppy fry on the floor. So they’ve decided to clean. The trash is overflowing and there’s pubes on the floor. Piles upon piles of clothes on the bed. An old cap’n crunch bowl in the bedroom. It is like a fraternity house at a Big Ten School crossed with a landfill and sprinkled with Hell. Trying to recreate their formative years, perhaps are sullen heroes are just seeing what like would have been like in the parallel world of Oscar the Grouch. “Oh I love trash! Anything dirty or dingy or dusty! Anything ragged or rotten or rusty! Yes, I love trash!” Don’t pretend like you don’t remember that. And also: what a fine use of alliteration. Oscar was kindof a genius!
Aundrea’s racy shirt with the boob cut-outs is blurred.
That night, Will is playing music, and Que asks him to turn it down so he can record. So Will turns the music up. Following the Sesame Street trend: It’s opposite day! Will is trying to find music for Day26. Que asks him to turn it down again. So Will gets fed up, and turns it up again. Robert dances along. Will tells Que to go outside and turns the music back up and even laughs. So Que reaches over Will and turns it down again. Que takes his computer into the bathroom and puts headphones on. Honestly, I described that fight to the best of my ability. But if you missed the episode, then I understand if my description came across fuzzy at best. There is just no good way to adequately describe the immature power play as it occurred in it’s natural environment.
This week, Robert’s dumb hat has been brought to you by Citizen Soldier: The Army National Guard.
I see that we are in a redneck bar in Poughkeepsie. We must be here for Brillo. Yep. There he is. Right by the foosball machine. He’s playing a sold out show there. And it’s the same thing as always. He performs a few songs, casually removes his shirt and leave. I notice that the lion from a few weeks ago is his back-up dancer. I want a back-up lion.
Dancing lion?! Why, how Sigfried and Roy!
Meanwhile, Brian gets a text message from Screwface. They are going to White Plains, NY for a show. Cha-ching! Money money money! They are excited for the money. Brian and Robert do a happy dance. Big Butter, as usual, is not fazed. They decide to have a house meeting to talk about the land of milk and honey that is White Plains, NY. However, Will is on the phone with his wife. Instead of hanging up and joining the meeting, he tells Brian to attend the meeting in his place. Que says, “That’s selfish. How selfish. Will’s selfish. Jealous and selfish. Will ruins everything. Because he’s selfish. Selfish. Selfish Will!” Robert says he doesn’t care that Will isn’t there; they just need to talk, so let’s get to it.
A day after Dawn and Aundrea cleaned, the apartment is back to being a stinky mess. There are literally six jugs of milk on the counter and a burnt pizza sitting out. They Lysol the entire house to try to get rid of the smell. Dawn whips the aerosol canes around like guns. The men get home and do not enjoy the girly smell. Brian says they sprayed too much air freshener. They are pissed. Will says they liked the manly stink, and now it is ruined. It’s kind of like when a dog has it’s favorite toy, and it loves that toy……until you put it in the wash. Then it’s as though the toy has the bubonic plague.
Killin’ germs with “I Am King.”
Mamarillo comes by that night with Brillo’s girlfriend, Melissa, who he’s been with for a year. What? Melissa, who!? Brillo shows them the house, and Mamarillo is wearing an awesome velour sweatsuit from circa 2001. I knew I’d love this lady! Something about her shameless unpretentiousness and awesome hairsprayed ponytail helmet just really does it for me. They go to a nice restaurant, and Mamarillo is pleased because chicken pot pie is on the menu.
Now time to drop the Bombarillo: Mamarillo says, “I’ve decided that I want to…” Brillo interjects, “Get a dog.” Nope! She wants to start dating. He is apprehensive and confused. Poor little Brillo and his freakishly slow brain power. After his mom explains that she wants to date men in order to maybe have a relationship, Brillo says it’s okay as long as it doesn’t turn into another reality show. I approve of his mother’s desire to date. I could see her ending up with a nice Tony Danza-type.
Lookin’ for Brillo a new Pa!
The rest of the gang goes drinking. Seriously, their money management is appalling. Beer, fancy dinners, dumb hats. They might as well just light all of their money on fire. Que seems to have lightened up because he’s dancing and having fun. They all pass around Robert’s hat. They leave the bar drunk and head back to the house. Big Butter passes out on the floor. Is there anywhere that this boy can’t sleep? Will is next to him. Drunkenly Que yells that everybody needs to get up because they have a show tomorrow. Que gets mad that Will doesn’t want to get up to rehearse but it’s 12:45 a.m. Apparently, they couldn’t practice anyway because Brian is missing. Big Butter says they can’t practice without all five. Que yells at Will for being selfish, and Will mutters back. Will finally sits up and explains that it’s not that they aren’t practicing because he doesn’t want to. It’s because Brian isn’t there. Que says that he always does what Will wants. So why is there no reciprocity? No, don’t be fooled. He doesn’t actually use the word “reciprocity.” I pulled that one out of my Google dictionary. He says that Will acts like the leader when he’s not.
“Huh? What? Where am I?”
Will says that if Que keeps talking, then there’s going to be a problem. Que continues to come at Will and says he doesn’t care if he’s 27. He’s not scared. Will finally gets up. Robert tries to hold him back. Dawn holds Que back. Que retreats to the kitchen and Dawn follows him. He tells her that she better not step in there. She doesn’t understand and tells him to stop acting like an idiot.
It takes both Aundrea and Robert to push back Will and his army of muscles. I suddenly feel turned on. Dawn says that she and Aundrea would take their places in a second. So they need to stop being petty. Que gets up and throws his hat at Dawn. Robert says, “Wow.”
Choo! Choo! The anti-violence train is comin’ through!
Brillo gets home and instantly notices a weird vibe. Maybe it’s Que’s dead body on the floor. He’s not sure. Will tells him that he and Que got into it. Robert says that when you bring five different people together with five different emotions, it can become overwhelming. Geez! There is Robert and all that math again! Why does he always have to be such a brainiac!? Aundrea says they need to be smarter than Danity Kane. She says it reminds her a lot of what DK went through. They hid a lot of tension that no one saw, and they need to not let the dumb fights get the best of them. Like who gets to use the Mystic Tan machine first. Or who gets to pretend to date Brillo.
The guys go to rehearsal with Boomcat to polish up their act for White Plains. She notices that they’re distracted because they are not giving her “gutteral” or “eye of the tiger.” She makes them start over and then stops them and says they’re too much in their heads. Will is trying to sing but sounds disconnected. She can tell no one is there and wants to know what’s going on. She says they all need to go on to the next level and no one can be left behind. They all stare at her blankly. She says that she’s seen too many groups that haven’t reached their potential because they didn’t try enough. So they need to make the choice to succeed.
Robert’s clothes do not take a break during dance rehearsal.
She asks Will if he would do it all over again if he could? Go through the auditions, the Diddy torture, the fighting? Dramatic pause. “I would.” My eyes well with tears. To be a boyband member….it’s so….so….hard. To see them endure, to press on, to insist upon wearing dumb hats…it’s….beautiful.
Will seeks out Que to talk. They smile nervously. They both mutter that they are sorry. Will says that they should have practiced the other night but he was just tired. But he went overboard, and he’s sorry. He doesn’t want to make him mad. And they need each other. They need each other like a good, juicy coldsore.
They go to their show, pray, and perform. Will says that they need to get close again and not let each other fall. Que says that they’re not blood but it’s getting there. If they are all real, then the trust will build.
You’re performing in White Plains, NY? Kid, you’re gonna be a stah!
Next week, they STILL aren’t on the same page, and they fight in front of Diddy. Uh-oh!
See you tonight for an all-new episode on MTV!
Much love, MandaMo