Day26 is still not recording because of contract negotiations, so they might as well go bowling. And by “bowling,” they really mean getting drunk and humping the ball machine.
This machine dispenses balls. Big Butter’s balls, to be more specific.
But the fun, worry-free activity of bowling can’t last forever. Because when Screwface smells fun, Screwface needs to ruin the fun. So he calls Brian. Brian chats with Mr. Face for awhile and then announces that the time has come to sign paperwork. The clouds part, a light shines through from heaven, and Que lights up like Delta Burke finding a piece of cake. Maybe now that Que has money, he’ll stop being such a whiney bitch. Well, if you think that’s a true statement, then you obviously have too much faith in humanity. Please go get jaded and report back to us later. Gasmii tip: A good way to get jaded is to date John Mayer. He will make sure to dump and humiliate you at least 127 times before the end of the month.
Drunk, the guys meet Screwface back at the house. By the way, Screwface’s real name is Joseph Charles. So let’s just cut the craziness and call him Joe Chuck. Although I love to believe that Screwface is Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds’ serial killing alter ego, it’s time to get back down to earth. So Joe Chuck tries to explain the negotiations, but all the guys are cross-eyed, and Will has completely passed out. Joe Chuck stutters and stutters until finally asking if everyone is all right.
What? The guys are being lazy. This looks perfectly normal to me.
Robert claps and yells Will’s name to wake him up. But instead of waking up, Will shares a lovely song: “You must face it; don’t tryyyyy to erase it. Just lift your hands up and sayyyy, I’m gay!” Everyone laughs, and Will promptly goes back to sleep. Who says these guys don’t have any hit-making songs? There was a Grammy-winner right there! Screwface, er, I mean, Joe Chuck explains that everyone now has a lot of money. Our zombie mean carefully scrawl their names on the contract, and now Satan officially has their souls.
And Satan will not later except the argument that they were intoxicated upon signing the agreement. Contracts with Satan are never void.
The guys head to the studio where they meet with Skid, who I desperately want to call Poop Stain. MandaMo’s train of thought: Skid –> Skidmark –> Poop Stain. See, you can get there in two steps. And when I start resorting to bathroom humor, that means I am truly out of jokes. So you all are in for a looooooong recap! Poop Stain has been at Bad Boy for many years, and now he’s working on Day26′s new album.
Big Butter explains that they have more control of what goes on in the album. Que wants more dance. Brian says instead of going against the grain, they need to create their own lane. Then Will says something else. He tells us that he and Brian are on the same page, but Que, of course, is on another page. And that page is called “Whiney Bitch.”
Sky rocket’s in flight! Poop Stain delight!
Later that day or night or possibly five weeks ago because no one really knows the timeline anymore, Que and Dawn walk out of a bank and into the street. Dawn asks him what they are recording. She wants to know what the DY-rection of the album is. Que says he doesn’t know the DY-rection. They are recording two slow songs, and it’s not what he wants. Dawn says they need to find a vision and DY-rection because the group doesn’t seem to have one. Then she says she doesn’t know why she’s giving advice because remember Danity Kane? Yeah, they failed BIG TIME. I mean, HUGE.
Dedicated to the beautiful and talented Della Reese.
Back the studio, the guys are making a demo for a song cheesily titled “Touched by an Angel.” It’s slow. And weird. And bad. Robert says it’s different from normal Day26, but they’re giving it a go. Not all the songs they’ll record will make the album. But whether they love or hate them, they have to give it their best. It’s sappy and awful. And weird. And bad. I can hardly stand it. You know who else can’t stand it? Que. So he goes in the studio and sings a “hot note,” which means that it’s bad. I know a lot about music. (RE: I watch a lot of “American Idol.”) He says he’s not voicing his opinion, and it’s eating him up. Will says Que brings everyone down. Que has officially been touched by the poison that is Puffy. I give him 48-hours to live. 48-hours that are punctuated with projectile vomit, dry heaving, and the shits. Again with the bathroom humor… Next week’s recap will just be a podcast of fart noises.
The guys head home and listen to some beats. They have a lot of material and a lot of connections feeding them different stuff. Brian and Will are drawn to slower stuff, and Que doesn’t like it. He tries to play a faster song, but Brian and Will ignore him. I wonder what Robert and Big Butter are doing? Robert is probably hat shopping, and Big Butter is most likely staring blankly at the wall. Brian and Will say they like doing all the work because they don’t want “too many chefs in the kitchen.”
Then Brian pauses for a session of electro-shock therapy.
The next day, the guys head to record another demo called “One Night Stand.” It’s another ballad. And “really sexy.” I put that in quotes because that is what Brian says. But I have yet to see any proof. Of course, Que hates it. He says that Will and Brian head everything and take it over and do what they want. Que is quiet and frustrated. Will says it’s obvious that Que doesn’t want to be there, and it hurts him. Everyone else seems to be getting along. But Que is waiting. Waiting. WAiting. And waiting. waiting. waiting. And not getting a part, so he leaves. Will says they should just record the whole song without him.
Alllllllll byyyyyy myyyyyyyseeeeeeelf!
Will complains to Big Butter about Que having too many issues. In usual Big Butter style, he does not react. Que meets Dawn back at the house. He says that he doesn’t like the way everyone is taking over and leaving him with nothing to sing. It’s not a group thing, it’s people giving themselves positions. Dawn says that she understands, but he should be there. The guys are winning because he left. And Que doesn’t know what they’re doing while he’s not there. But if he’s at least present, then he always has a voice. Puff wouldn’t allow a whole record with just one person on it anyway. But if he’s not there, showing that he cares, then why put him on the record. Dawn says that on their first album, Shannon was only on one song, but she was present and didn’t complain. On the second album, Shannon was on every song.
This conversation gives Que the “crazy eye.”
Dawn, in her infinite wisdom continues: Not everyone likes a strong personality, but everyone likes a hard worker. Que seems to understand. He heads back to the studio. Robert asks where he was, and then tells him he needs to sing the first verse. Que goes to record and again is “hot.” Hot, again, in a bad way. Thank you Randy Jackson, for my music literacy! The rest of the guys do not approve. Joe Chuck says that someone needs to guide Que and tell him what he’s doing right or wrong. The guys say he needs to be sexier and tell him to stop. Que says that he’s trying to feel it out. Will chomps on his gum and ignores him. Que tries it again, and again it’s bad. Will tells Brian that if Que doesn’t start singing sexy, then he’s going to kick him off the song. Que keeps trying to sing it, and it continues to be unsexy. Que continues to try, and he guys act annoyed. If they want Que to take a lesson on being unsexy, then they should make him watch Brillo listlessly remove his shirt. Also unsexy: Will chomping on his gum like he’s a camel chewing on cud.
Robert’s hat has had it.
Now it’s time for a Breaking News segment. Diddy announces that Day 26′s new album, titled “Forever and a Day” will be in stores on April 14. I suddenly understand why we are experiencing this pointless third season of MTB4.
Back in the studio, Robert is now singing. Big Butter asks Que if he’s cool, and he says he is. BB says that Robert needs to picture having one night with Janet Jackson when he sings. Now he’s all ready to go, and the guys laugh and snort and guffaw. Heh heh Janet Jackson naked! Heh heh! Robert tells us that he’s looking for a one-night stand, so if anyone wants one, then look him up. I will pass that message along to my fat cousin Albert. He’s always looking for a little D.L. Robert says he understands both sides of the Que/Will argument. And they need to meet in a happy medium. Que reiterates that they need to evolve or they will be left behind. Will says that they can’t rush that on their next album. They can’t just jump from being R&B straight to pop or their will alienate their current fans. Que forces everyone to listen to a beat he found, and they all love it, but say it’s not a Day26 record.
Que gets the full-on “fight or flight” buggy eye.
Que says they are a group, and it’s not fair that only Brian and Will get to call the shots. Will says he hasn’t liked any of the demos they’ve recorded either, so shut up. Que backs off and apologizes, and then says they just all need to be on the same page mentally. Will agrees and says they need to all be there to support each other. Will says the 3 vs. 2 division only exists in Que’s head. Right, because it’s actually 4 vs. 1. Will says that he listens to rock and jazz, so he’s really open to other things. Que says they keep bringing in Jodeci-sounding songs, and he’s tired of the same shit. Just then, Brian says, “but look who our boss is, dude?” Um, exactly. And conveniently, that’s when Diddy pulls up outside. Nice job, producers! Give yourselves a pat on the back for staging that one. Will says they’re an R&B pop group, and that’s all it is. As the argument escalates, Diddy just so HAPPENS to walk in. But no one stops arguing!
Diddy wore his special condom hat in order to keep his scalp from impregnating you.
Everyone, including Diddy, sits back and watches Will and Que rehash all the same arguments. The back and forth continues for quite awhile. Not much new to report. Diddy looks angry and bored. Brian jumps in on Will’s side, and I cringe from the sound of his screechy voice. Que wonders why Brian jumps in now that Diddy is there. Now both Que and Brian are on their feet and getting closer. I hope they have another one of those awful, awkward hugs. Will says they were cool until Que said they were scared to evolve. Brian sits down and now it’s between Will and Que again. Finally Diddy interrupts and asks to hear the record that Que wanted to use. Okay, now there’s more arguing. All the same stuff. Now it’s a “you said it first” “no YOU said it first” argument. Now there is a song playing and everyone is bopping along. Diddy asks if Will liked it. He says that he did but didn’t think it was a Day26 record. Diddy says that he wanted the guys to experiment with new sounds, and arguing is healthy as long as the respect is not lost.
Que’s spooked, buggy look persists.
Everyone is quiet. Diddy asks how everything is despite all the fighting. They say they’re are good. Diddy asks if Will is acting like the leader. Will laughs and Que nods his head. Diddy says that Que looks like he’s going to cry. And if he cries, then he’s getting out the “No Bitchassness” t-shirts. Diddy says that he likes the record that Que picked. And that they sound good, but they need to make sure that drama doesn’t get between them. Otherwise, they’ll have the “Making the Band” curse up in this bitch.
And on that dramatic note, the show ends. We know they get through it though because the album drops April 14. Duh.
Next week, Que continues to act the fool. And Big Butter actually has an emotional reaction.
Geez! So what did you all think of THAT mess?! And who’s going to buy their new album?