Making the Band: Let’s Do This Shit

This week on Making the Band, it’s time for the very first show on the tour. I bet that our heroes and heroines will stumble and fumble all through the rehearsals only to magically pull off a concert of a lifetime in the end! Now let’s get this manufactured drama show on the road!

The only luck we need is in hoping that Orangebrey’s wig doesn’t fall off.We enter a busy New York scene and find our girls recording a promo for the tour at Atlantic Records while a man in a glass box awkwardly holds up a sheet of paper, which I guess is a very tiny cue card. The girls seem confident and excited. Brillo is doing his own promo over at TRL and manages to cram in a little flirting with the ladies while there. Watch out, Brill Boy! Too much flirting will cause Orangebrey to lunge out of the bushes and scratch your little puffy-headed face off. He also seems confident and excited.

Across town, Day26 is promoting the tour on a radio station. Aaaaaaaaand is where the confidence fizzles. Brian tells us that he’s nervous, and Will says they have a lot riding on them, so there’s pressure to pull it off. They sit around the table at the station and stare off blankly. What else is new. Don’t these guys realize that they have, oh I dunno, an ENORMOUS record deal with Diddy and a NUMBER ONE single?! Look alive, folks!

The groups head off to the venue for a sound check. Because Danity Kane is the headliner, they get to do the soundcheck first. They hop on stage and stomp around, figuring out their choreography and lighting. It’s surprising because no one is there telling them what to do or what to watch for. Apparently, they are left to their own devices on this one.

“When you get the cue to break your ankle, step over here.”

The guys, of course, are bored. Holy Christ. Can’t they at least try to surprise us one of these days? Whereas they could be doing something productive, like – GASP! – practicing, they are complaining about the size of their dressing room and dozing off.

Oh Bert. Maybe an extra large Red Bull would even him out a little.

The girls have never used headsets before, so they are struggling with getting used to those, and it’s making their soundcheck run long. Like by a couple hours. The guys are annoyed that they have to wait, but obviously DK is going to work until it’s right. And I agree. It doesn’t really make much sense to stop if they can’t hear themselves in their own headsets. That’s kinda just a tiny bit important. And someday if the boys work hard enough, then maybe they’ll get to be headliners with their own headsets and permission to suck up all the stage time. Wait a minute…boys work hard enough? Yeah, what are the odds of that? I guess being just an opener will have to do!

But enough of that! Time for “Diddy’s Fit Club.” As always, it’s rather humorous. Diddy gains a lot of weight and can’t even talk about it. He looks down and says to just continue with the show. Okay, Diddy. You are starting to remind of that teeny tiny sorority girl who everyone knows. You know, the one who wears a size two and yet still insists that she’s fat? And then who eats a peanut at dinner because nothing else can manage to fit into her teeny tiny belly!? And all the other girls look down at themselves and think, “Well if THAT girl is fat, then what does that make me!?” And thus begins the self-esteem chain reaction…

The guys have been waiting five hours when Boomcat arrives. Finally, someone who will make them use their time productively. She gets them all to gather in the dressing room for a meeting. Noticing that all the boys seem bored and soulless, she tries to rile them up. She says that they’re in the ninth inning and this is what they LIVE FOR! An emotion barely seems to register on any of their faces.

“Uh..tell us again…what is it that we’re supposed to live for? Nap time?”

Danity is finally done, and Day26 is up. Boomcat watches all of their choreography carefully, coaching their every move. It’s awesome. They are running into each other, and microphones are screeching! They look as though they have just been wasting time backstage instead of actually getting focused or practicing. Oh wait. BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THEY’VE BEEN DOING.

“Maybe I should go home and browse the ‘choreographer’ listings on Craig’s List.”

Brillo is watching and getting nervous because Danity Kane ran over. And now Day26 is sucking up all the time. (Or maybe just sucking?) He’s worried that he won’t have time to practice. Well if they weren’t already nervous enough. Now Diddy is here.

Just an aside: Doesn’t Brillo look tanner than normal? Has he been making a cameo over on “Sunset Tan?” Or just making out with Orangebrey again?

Bronzerillo.

Poor Brillo. Diddy shows up just in time to only see him. He sits in a single folding chair on the floor and gets ready as Brillo takes the stage. Brillo performs “Dr. Love,” and then does a little chitchat. He then introduces his new single “Take You There” and says it’s featuring “P. Diddy.” That’s right: P!!!!! Diddy! Maybe Brills didn’t get the memo that the “P” was getting between Diddy and his fans.

After Brillo is done, Diddy calls him down. He says he’s starting to get it, but he needs to OWN it. He tells Brillo to dance more naturally and also to strip. That’s right, STRIP. Suddenly, I’m enjoying this show just a little bit more. He’s supposed to be performing for the ladies, so why does he still have his jacket on? Yeah, Brillo, why keep that jacket on? In fact, why keep anything on at all? You have an obligation to your ladies, and we think you’d look much better without all those pesky clothes.

Now Day26 is back for a dress rehearsal. They are in their tuxes and some girl is actually de-linting them. Like she is rolling a little lint brush all up and down them. I want to de-lint hot boys! I wonder how much that pays?

Doesn’t matter. I’d do it for free.

Boomcat gives them a pep talk, saying that they need to show everyone how it’s done. So they take the stage and get to moving. Diddy watches stoically in the audience. Boomcat is jumpin up and down, so she must think it’s going well. But I believe that Diddy will be the judge of that. Now here’s the great part! It’s time for the guys to do a wardrobe change. Everyone leaves the stage. But Mike! That’s right, Mike stands there, alone, looking around, appearing totally idiotic and clueless. Diddy and Boomcat initially look concerned and then bust up laughing. After looking around for awhile, Mike scampers off the stage.

“What’s going on? Am I a solo act now? Am I Brillo Klang???”

The guys run around backstage, trying to get changed. We get some brief underwear shots but nothing too exciting. They come back out half-dressed, and Mike runs out late. Afterwards, Diddy tells them that the whole thing was just a fiasco, and they have a long way to go. He says that none of them seem like they are a part of a group or are paying attention to each other. He says that Will and Robert are very focused, so the others should feed off their energy.

Now Danity starts their dress rehearsal. They are wearing little babydoll dresses that look a little spooky to me for some reason. And they are having a lot of feedback problems with the sound. Diddy goes back to complain to the sound guy. He says something about how the girls aren’t singing loud enough and are just whispering into the mikes. And it turns out that Aundrea’s mike isn’t even on. Sheesh! Looks like that million hour long soundcheck yesterday really paid off.

And whatever lighting makes Dawn look like THIS is BAD LIGHTING.

Diddy tells our ladies that they need to redo the beginning, add talking but not drag things out and cut one of the songs. So basically just redo the whole show! And by tomorrow. I think that, as viewers, we are supposed to feel nervous and worried that they aren’t going to get their acts together. But because many of us have watched every single season of this damn show, we know better.

Time for breaking news. It’s a message for bickering politicians. Diddy says they need to stay focused on the issues. So in honor of that, he created a red, white and blue “No Bitchassness” t-shirt. Nice. Then he reminds everyone to vote on Nov. 4, which also happens to be his birthday. And I am SO not surprised that this man is a Scorpio.

Only Diddy would find voting as a way to make a profit.

Today is the big day!!! Finally time for the first show on the tour. Are we excited?!?! Me neither. We see all the fans lined up outside the theater, wearing “No Bitchassness” T’s and singing DK, Day26 and Brillo songs. We even see some guys selling shish kabobs who have no idea who is playing inside. But then finally one of the guys say, “His name……..is Donnie!” How funny is THAT!? These guys don’t know Diddy or Danity, but they manage to know our little Brillo Pad!

“I have ‘Tiger Beat’ posters of Brillo all over the walls of my bed chambers!”

Brillo then makes an appearance to say hi to the fans. Poor Brills. Because he’s the opener for the opener, he’s the one who was offered up as sacrifice to appease the roaring fans. And now I realize why the shish kabob guys only knew HIS name. It’s because he’s the one who came outside. Guess he doesn’t cross generational lines of popularity after all. But enough of all that because it’s SHOW TIME!!!

First, Diddy walks out on stage, and the crowd goes crazy. He tells everyone to make some noise, especially if they have no bitchassness in them. Brillo is up first. He shuffles onto the stage and performs “Dr. Love.” This song has cracked me up ever since he started working on it last season. Partly because it gives me images of that old “Dr. Mario” Nintendo game for some reason. But mostly because I’m pretty sure he has a line in there about sucking his vitamin. He takes off his jacket and lifts up his shirt to expose one nipple. Then he sings “Take you There,” which is supposed to be his first big single. I still have yet to hear this song on the radio, but it has REALLY grown on me. Perhaps I have officially been brainwashed, but whereas I used to think this song was dumb, I now enjoy it thoroughly. Go figure. I got Brillo on the brain!

Diddy then says a prayer with the guys, which they SORELY need, I’m sure. Brillo is done, and it’s time for Day26. By the way, the guys are wearing red and black striped gloves with their suits. Robert says that the roar is so loud, that the stage is rumbling under his feet. They start off with “Come with Me.” Backstage, Diddy says that they are killing it.

These gloves are one part 1980s Michael Jackson and two parts Freddie Kruger minus the knife nails.

Now the guys are singing “Since You Been Gone.” No, not the Kelly Clarkson song. Although that would be awesome. This time, Mike remembers to exit afterwards for the wardrobe change. Time for “Got Me Goin’.” And the crowd seems excited. Everyone is singing along. Will rips off his shirt, and backstage Diddy tells Brillo that’s what he should be doing. No more of him just holding his shirt up like a tease. Get naked! Yes, Brillo, I concur.

I figured that a screencap of this was only necessary. You’re welcome.

Next up is Danity Kane, and the crowd is already chanting “D.K.” They have a very dramatic entrance and open with “Bad Girl.” Things are going well until Diddy walks out on stage and stops everything. But it’s all good. He’s just presenting them with plaques for their #1 albums. And he wants to thank everyone for making their albums gold. But now back to the regularly scheduled program. The girls perform “Damaged,” and everyone eats it up.

“Do do you have a first aid kit for my pulled groin?”

Afterwards, in the dressing room, Diddy tells the girls that they did a great job. He didn’t feel like he was at work, he felt like he was just enjoying a concert. He then says that the whole floor is still standing out there because they want more, and he is just ecstatic with their performance. The girls videotape Diddy because they know he’ll never be nice again.

Next week, tensions rise on the tour bus as the girls and the guys are forced to share a tiny space on a six-city tour. And Dawn thinks that it’s time to bring Que home to meet the ‘rents. The only catch: There will be a fifth wheel…and a sixth wheel…and a seventh eighth ninth — okay there will be MANY wheels, and I can’t wait!

See ya then!
love, MandaMo
xoxo