Making the Band: Fifteenth Wheel

First of all, I would like to apologize for the lateness of this week’s Making the Band recap. In a tragic turn of unexpected events, my two month old MacBook totally crapped out, leaving me MacLess for four days and counting. Don’t worry, I’ve sent letters of complaint directly to Justin Long. Meanwhile, our favorite Diddy-based reality show continues to follow the same pattern as the past few weeks, complete with 30 solid minutes of concert montages, fabricated drama that is diffused as quickly as it is introduced, and Orangebrey says something stupid.

Well well well. Look what the monkey dragged in. It seems like Brillo’s “Take You There” has been replaced as the show’s theme song by Danity Kane’s “Bad Girl.” Yet another genius marketing ploy by Sean Combs, it would seem. Just when Brillo’s song finally started to grow on me, he ripped the rug right from underneath my feet to plant a new song in my ear. Very clever, Mr. Dids. Always one step ahead of me, I see. Sadly, that is the only surprise of this episode.

We open the show as the entire gang is going to Atlantic Records to work on ad drops for their tour. Please note: This is exactly how last week’s show started. Remember? Both bands and Brillo were doing promos at radio stations and recording commercials? This show is getting so repetitive that I wonder how many of you are even watching anymore, or now if the only viewers are somehow related to and/or paid by the producers. Luckily those fans of us who are still trudging through this season are consistently rewarded with shirtless shots of Willie, and that is almost as good as payment.

ANYWAY, we go back and forth between Day26 and Danity Kane who are struggling to read simple cue cards. The guys are actually pretty entertaining because at first they all read the same cue card at the exact same time, and it’s funny watching them talk over one another. And in the next take, Mike reads the whole card by himself but in a really strange robot/rapper voice. The girls, on the other hand, stumble and stutter all over the words. The producers shoot each other glances of concern.

“Maybe it’s time to invest in ‘Hooked on Phonics…”

Afterwards, we catch up with Dawn and Que who are walking down a busy New York street, hand in hand. They tell us that each other is amazing, but it’s hard because the two groups are always split up. Dawn tells us that she is only able to talk to Que twice a week. That’s okay, Dawn. I’ve been having a secret affair with Leonardo DiCaprio for the past two years, and we haven’t been able to talk even once during that whole time. But every time I receive a hang-up phone call, I have a feeling that it’s probably him. So the best part of the tour is that these two little lovebirds will get to spend lots of quality time together on a tiny, narrow, bumpy tour bus bed. And then Dawn quickly downs a glass of champagne.

“Hold on, baby, let me get my beer goggles on.”

Dawn asks Que what they’ll do on the tour. Que says they’ll cuddle, make love, have a baby, get married, move to Paris. Not necessarily in that order, of course. I mean, OF COURSE they’ll save themselves for AFTER marriage! Riiiiiight, guys?! Dawn asks how all that will happen when they can’t even get privacy. Que tells her that it’s going to work because he loves her. Awww! I would be happy for them if I weren’t too busy barfing into the waste basket right now.

Moving right along, it is the first day of the six-city tour, so it’s time to pack up and load the bus. Orangebrey whines as she has far too much stuff to pack and nowhere to put it. She actually has to jump on her suitcase just to get it closed, and even then, there’s still shit everywhere. And you really have to wonder, is there any person or object that this girl WON’T mount these days? All the suitcases in the world better watch out for Orangebrey and try not to drop the soap in the shower.

This is the result of a bulimic closet. It binged on all of DK’s clothes, and then barfed them all over the room. Either that or these girls are slobs.

Everyone climbs aboard the bus, and D. Woods stands up to recite a list of pre-existing rules. The rules are as follows:
#1. Do not take a dump. Hear that, Big Mike? No stinky on the bus.
#2. No sloppy drunks. Yes, Robert, that means no more falling into the bushes.
#3. If you did not buy it, then do not eat it. Again, I must look at Big Mike for that one because he looks like he’s had his fair share of stolen cupcakes in the past.

Well, not even five blocks later, every single one of the guys do their best to break rule #1. Out of spite, I’m sure. And Mike didn’t even bother to flush. That’s right. We’re watching their bathroom behavior. However this show didn’t win an Emmy, I’ll never know.

“If it’s yellow, let it mellow! Am I wrong?”

The Breaking News segment this week is a reminder to vote on Nov. 4. He tells us that he’s going to endorse the person he’s voting for, which is Barack Obama! He does a little Obama chant, and then says that in the respect of fairness, he made a t-shirt for John McCain. He stands up and it’s a “No Bitchassness” t-shirt. I love Diddy. And don’t forget to register to vote if you haven’t already.

Back on the tour bus, Day26 is about to do a phone interview with a radio station, and they inform us that the interviews always consist of the same three questions: (1) How did they come to the name Day26. (2) What’s it like working with Diddy. (3) Do you guys get along that well? Kinda like this show, the interview sticks with the formula with the reporter asking these exact three questions as predicted.

The first stop on the tour is Baltimore, which is where Dawn’s folks live. So she thinks it’s about time for Que to meet them. The problem is that everyone else wants to go to dinner with her parents too, including problem child Orangebrey. The only thing more awkward than meeting your boo’s parents are meeting them along with ten of your co-workers who are sure to embarrass you. And what a better place to do this than the always classy establishment of Houlihans!

It’s like a poor man’s Bennigans only with more FLAIR!

Shortly after everyone is seated, Dawn’s parents walk through the faux Irish gates of Houli’s, and Que totally looks like a deer in the headlights. Everyone orders a big alcoholic drink but Que, so naturally Dawn’s dad asks why. The truth comes out that Que is still just a baby and not old enough to (legally) drink. But don’t worry, Mr. Richard, he’s still plenty old enough to bone your daughter. And if you’re trying not to picture that, then please be informed that Orangebrey will do her very best to paint that image for you.

And this is how it all went down: Dawn asks Orangebrey for some of her drink, and Orangey tells her that she can’t have any because Dawn is a lightweight, and she doesn’t want her doing Que on the bus. Because in Orangey’s thought process, drinking almost always leads to nookie on the bus. Somewhere Orangina’s suitcase whimpers in a corner, terrified with each sip Miss O takes from her mudslide. A horrified expression ripples down the table as everyone realizes what was just said in front of Dawn’s parents.

“I will look right into the camera and let all of America know that I am displeased.”

Luckily, Dawn’s parents know Orangebrey and her trampy ways, so it’s all good. It’s a good thing that drama didn’t last more than 45 seconds! I wouldn’t have known how to handle myself! Dawn announces that her parents told her not to have sex because it’s two minutes and you’re pregnant. Que continues to remain embarrassed, but Orangebrey sees this as an opening to be even more crass. So she asks if that’s how Little Dawn was created. For anyone who is overly concerned, the answer is no. Dawn was conceived during a long torrid night of pumping and sweating. Dinner is over, and it apparently went well. The parents hug Que, and Dawn says they liked him.

Show time is approaching, and the concert tent thing starts to fill up. The crazy red- and black-striped gloves are back on. Brillo takes the stage with the intent to murder the show. He asks the ladies how they are feeling and gives everyone another peek of his yummy six-pack by lifting his shirt up a bit. I’m waiting for him to just rip it off. He lifts his shirt up again and skips around. And dammit it’s over, and he’s still wearing his shirt! He must be one of those special kids who never understood how to follow directions. When Diddy tells you to strip down, then you must obey! NOW GET IT RIGHT! Luckily, Will does not disappoint and he rips off his tank top during Day26′s set. And we keep seeing images of the one dude in the audience who apparently just loves it.

Spot the super fan! (Hint: It’s the only person dancing.)

The girls sing a song I don’t recognize and dance around on stage as their fans sing along. Looks like everything went well. Afterwards, they sign some autographs and head off to Will’s hometown (and MY hometown!!!) Chicago! I totally wish I’d been able to see them when they were here except I spent the summer on the West coast. Next time, I’ll have to be sure to plan all my travel arrangements AROUND Willie’s shirtless appearances.

We come back from commercial, and uh oh Diddy is crying. Our skinny sorority girl must have gained mucho weight this week or something. Oh wait…these are tears…of joy. He says that everyone thinks that this is all about him, but that he loves his groups and is proud of them. All right Diddy. You’re actually making me laugh out loud. His antics really do seem to escalate, don’t they? Every week and every season, he just gets weirder and weirder. He laughs and disappears.

Any girl out there who’s ever gone through a break up, can recognize this as THE UGLY CRY.

Back on the bus, Dawn and Will have a bet going. Everytime he takes his shirt off, he owes her $20, so she is sure that she will be rich. So is she paying him, betting him that he just can’t help himself and has to rip it off? This seems backwards to me. I’d rather pay him to take it OFF than pay him to keep in on. Is this crazy backwards day or something? I must have missed that memo. Orangebrey is getting worried that everyone else in the group will begin to want to rip their shirts off just because Will does. And she informs us that not everyone can get away with it. I think I will be the judge of that.

But now on to the important conversations. The deep stuff. Like how Que felt the first time he farted in front of Dawn. The answer? He didn’t care. Shannon tells us that she still doesn’t fart in front of her man. And Brillo says that he doesn’t mind when girls far but that he just wouldn’t want to hear a loud fart. Again, how did this show not get nominated for an Emmy?

Now they are in Chicago and doing a club appearance to promote their music and tour. The club plays “Damaged,” so our heroes and heroines dance along with it and then pose for pictures. Dawn starts getting close to Que for photo-ops, and Que warns her that she’s getting too close.

“I just want to break all the rules! Like get sloppy drunk and take a dump on the bus! RAWR!”

It’s show night, and we see lots of crazy fan shots outside of the Chicago Theatre. And the fans seem pretty split over who they are there to see. It’s fifty-fifty between Day26 and Danity Kane. Hmm…what about Brillo, I wonder? Much like the Biblical story of Samson and Delilah, he sheered his brillo hair and lost all his power.

Brillo goes on stage and does his thing, opening with “Dr. Love.” But no one in the dressing room is paying attention because Dawn and Mike are smack talking. Dawn calls him “Big Butter,” which is the best nickname ever, and I think we should call him that for now on. She asks how they feel when they are out there performing, and all the fans are doing is waiting for Danity Kane. Big Butter says that the fans obviously love Day26 because they throw panties at them. Dawn says that only do that so they can be pantyless and ready for when DK takes the stage. Nicely done.

Day26 is now on stage doing their thing. They end again with “Got Me Goin’,” and as usual Will takes off his jacket and there we go! Rips off his shirt again. He wipes his sweaty face with it, and then tosses it into the crowd. We see this toss from three different angles. When it lands, a group of ladies scramble to grab it. He says that usually when he throws his tank top, someone catches it, and it’s all good. But this time, there is a giant tug of war, cat fight over it. Girls are literally falling over and rolling around! It’s like a total feeding frenzy. From the looks of it, you’d think they were actually fighting over something important, not just a sweaty piece of underwear. Priorities, people! I mean, what are you going to do with that thing when you get it home? It’s not like you can eat it or anything.

Sometimes this happens when a group of my friends find a chocolate pie.

Robert said that whenever you have a show and someone leaves in an ambulance, it’s a good show. And for the first time ever, they got their ambulance. He says that Michael Jackson always has someone leave his concert in an ambulance. True, except that’s usually Michael on the stretcher because either his hair caught on fire by on-stage pyrotechnics or his nose fell off again.

After the concert, we get to meet Willie and Sheila Taylor, and they think it’s funny that everyone was fighting over their son’s shirt.

“All these years that I’ve been folding your laundry when I should have been selling it on eBay!”

Now it’s sad time. Danity Kane is going to their own show in Utah, and Day26 is going to Vegas. Wow, someone definitely got the short-end of the stick in that deal. Vegas vs. UTAH?! Que says it’s hard but they have a priority to their groups. They exchange sad closing statements, and Dawn drives away with the girls in their van.

Next week, Que covers a room in roses for Dawn, and Brillo gets yelled at by Diddy as he films his first video. Maybe we should start a pool and take bets on when our lovebirds will get engaged!

See ya tomorrow!
love, MandaMo
xoxo