After last week’s recap of Making the Band, one of my favorite Gasmiis, Y3KPhenom, commented about Que and Dawn’s romance, saying “I hope that MTV tones the coverage down a bit, but really, what else is there for them to show with this group? More Orangebrey faux-drama? More Diddy nuttiness? I mean, Will’s chest is great, but I don’t think they can just show that for an hour. Or can they?”
Apparently they can.The show opens with Diddy giving a special shout-out to all the Brillo Klang fans, Danity Kane fans and Day26 fans. We see some crazed fan footage — including but not limited to — a girl chasing a very small car in the street, some really bad signs that were homemade with markers, and some guy in a yellow shirt screaming “Danity Kane What What?!” The gang will be headed to San Diego and then Los Angeles to finish up their last two legs of the tour. Oh look at how far we’ve come…
The show’s theme song has changed yet again! Holy crap, Diddy! Stop messing with our minds! It’s now Brillo’s “Dr. Love,” and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to take this song seriously. The lyrics are actually: “You’ll be begging me for more after the surgery.” That imagery is just not sexy to me; I’m sorry. I’ve had surgery more than once in my life and not every scenario really needs to be turned into a love, pop song. It sounds like a bad porn that takes place on an operating table. “Hey sweet sexy! I just sewed you up! Now what are YOU up to?” Um, no thanks.
Now we are in San Diego, witnessing eager concert goers as they wait in line and buy merchandise from our Making the Banders. Somewhere backstage, our heroes and heroines lounge around on 1970s-style couches. They are all sad that the tour is winding down, and they will soon be going their separate ways. Orangebrey explains her need to always been on tour because she needs constant attention. Well, I’m sure she’ll always find new ways to get attention. Like by telling the San Francisco Chronicle how to avoid getting her sex tapes leaked.
Because San Diego is close to Aundrea’s home, her family has showed up for a visit backstage. Her sister looks SO much like her and her nieces are just adorable. Aundrea tells that she’s very close with her niece, Isabelle, and doesn’t get to see her much now that she’s working all the time. Isabelle tells Aundrea that she wants her to come home and doesn’t give two shits about her Goddamn motherfucking son of a bitch music group.
Someone cover those girls’ eyes while Orangebrey is in the vicinity!
But we interrupt this wholesome family time to introduce our favorite perpetually half-dressed man, WILL. He comes right up to the camera and does his little “left right” pec bouncing trick. Then we get to see back-to-back clips of Will ripping his shirt off in every town across America. Shannon tells us that things are getting taken to a new level because there is baby oil involved now. Dawn says that the baby oil is a little excessive and if the sun were to hit him, he’d cook. Some unidentified lady comes over and proceeds to rub the oil into his skin really hard. Looks like this lady has my dream job. But, in all honesty, Will’s nakedness is starting to bore me a little. It’s no longer a novelty, just same ol’ same ol’. I barely even glance up from the magazine that I’m casually perusing.
Maybe there IS such thing as too much of a good thing…
Orangebrey, who is trying to stay focused and Zen for her show, asks Will to take his distracting body out of the room. Little do they all know, Brillo is peeping in through the door and coming up with some ideas of his own. As soon as he sees all the attention that Will is getting from the hot girls of DK, he realizes that he, too, must disrobe for attention. And for the first time ever, I notice Orangebrey’s weird freaky elfin ears.
Introducing Elfbrey! Sprightly queen of the Grove Elfin Colony!
But back to Brillo. Brillo does not disappoint. The show starts, and he sings his song, and lo and behold actually TAKES his shirt off at the end. I have to admit, without the dramatic effect of RIPPING the shirt, it’s a little awkward and anti-climactic. By the way, I was home for a couple days and watched this episode with my mom. She would like to know how Will rips off his tank so easily. She thinks that he must already have a small tear in the collar going backstage. Could be. Or could just be the awesome work of his massive biceps. Either way, I don’t really want to have anymore conversations with my mom about men getting naked. Thanks.
Brillo goes backstage and says that the crowd is so great, that there was no way he could NOT give them his shirt! He then tells Que that he’s next. So during the Day26 show, like clockwork, we get to see Will’s 50-pack. And then, Que follows suit closely behind. Dawn tells us that she’s worried that everyone will get the “Will Complex” and start taking their shirts off.
Another naked shot for all you ladies out there.
Time for Breaking News. Diddy reminds us that Nov. 4, we are going to change the world. Our futures are at stake, so make sure that you are registered to vote. I, too, hope that everyone reading votes this year. It’s “Vote or DIE,” remember? I don’t want any of my little Gasmiis dying! And does anyone notice that something is blurred out on Diddy’s shirt? I watched a whole episode of “Girls Next Door” where Holly made a chocolate version of her snatch and nothing was blurred. So whatever it is on his T that requires censoring must be pretty interesting…
I’d like to believe there’s a scene from the pornographic film “Dr. Love” under there.
Before leaving San Diego, Danity Kane goes down to the Navy base to meet sailors and their families to sign autographs. Some old sailor man, who goes by the name “XO,” flirts up Aundrea and tries to impress her by telling her that he’s the executive officer of the ship. Dawn asks if she can put on XO’s hat, and he informs her that the tradition clearly states that if you put a soldier’s hat on, then you have to kiss him. So then he lets Dawn kiss his cheek and THEN tells her that his wife is out there. Surprised, Dawn screams and waves at his wife. I never knew this tradition existed, and I’ve put on a sailor’s hat before. But, then again, maybe this tradition only exists when a pretty pop star puts on the hat. Maybe it doesn’t exist for us mere commoners!
“Hey sailor! Buy a thirsty girl a drink?”
Next up, is a lovely man named William. Orangebrey tells him to drop and give her 20, and when he plays along, she mounts him. (Surprise surprise.) Some female sailors come over and are so excited that they are practically in tears. They tell DK that they’ve really boosted their morale. A girl named Princess wants Aundrea’s signature and quietly sings a few bars of “Damaged,” which is really cute. Then a small kid named Joey comes over, and is so shy that he keeps his hands over his face. Dawn asks if she can go to his prom. Then D. Woods says after Dawn goes to his prom, then she’ll marry him. He promptly says, “No that’s not gonna happen!” Because he just wants Dawn! It’s pretty damn adorable. My heart grows three times larger just watching all this cuteness.
I would make more jokes about Orangey mounting people/things. But she just makes it FAR too easy.
Back on the bus to head to LA for the final tour stop! Orangebrey tells Big Butter Mike and Robert that they have to take their shirts off. She says that because it’s their final time together, they should all just go nuts. Then everyone says it’s sad that it’s almost over because they are like family. Orangebrey tells Brillo that she’ll have to come stay with him sometimes to get her nightly cuddle. Dawn and Que are cuddling and being sad in their bunk. Que tells us that he hopes that being apart from Dawn for months doesn’t affect their relationship. Is anyone else bored? I can barely stay awake at this point.
Before the last concert of the tour, Danity Kane will be making a new music video for their song “Bad Girl.” The premise for the video is that it’s a comic book, and they all have sexier leatherier alter egos. So they have the regular girl, and then when the red light comes on, they transform into bad girls. Orangebrey gets interrogated by a hot detective who she mounts; D.Woods is in a peep show box; Dawn is strapped onto a gurney with a mad scientist who is played by Que. Shannon is on a motorcycle and Aundrea is tied up in a dungeon. Shannon’s motorcycle bit looks strangely like the motorcycle scene from Britney Spears’ “Toxic” video. But, then again, I’m just a writer. What do I know about copyright law!?
Missy Elliott will also make an appearance the video, so they’re all really excited. Dawn says that when Missy is in a video, it’s automatically stamped hot. I’m pretty surprised to see Missy up in this joint. I do enjoy Danity Kane, but they’ve only had a couple songs. Diddy must have paid her a LOT to do this for him. Either that or Diddy has some secret, incriminating evidence against her and is playing the blackmail card.
Missy wonders where the new pony is that Diddy promised her.
Day26 is also shooting a video on a rooftop downtown for their new single “Since You Been Gone.” So, apparently, when you are normally shooting a video, they play the track back and you sing along. But for a more dramatic effect, they are playing the song back faster and the guys have to keep up. And while they’ll be singing fast, they’ll still be moving the rest of their bodies at regular speed. Robert says it’s really weird and he doesn’t understand how it’s going to come across right on camera. I don’t either, really. Now I’m going to have to make sure to see this video somewhere.
Watching the guys sing along to chipmunk voices is hilarious. They can’t even keep a straight face doing it. In fact, I don’t think Big Butter even TRIES to not laugh. At the end of the song, they all burst out laughing. But the laughing won’t last long because Diddy’s showing up.
When Diddy walks on set, they are playing the song back at regular speed, and the guys are trying hard to impress. After a few lines of singing, Diddy calls cut and reminds them that they should be telling a story and to imagine talking to a chick they love. Diddy sits down but then realizes he’s cold and starts hollering for a cashmere throw. Luckily for the boys, the production assistants, and the rest of the world, someone actually has a blanket for him. I’m reminded of a flight I once took from Chicago to New York when a passenger kept demanding a “DELTA PASHMINA!” Diddy wraps himself up and all the guys start saying “E.T. Phone Home.” Awesome. I didn’t even have to write a joke for that one because the guys got the punch line covered. E.T. is EXACTLY what he looks like. But he looks like the healthy E.T. Not the E.T. that gets sick, turns all white and flakey, and lies in a ditch. The guys do another take and this time it’s a lot better. Diddy seems pleased. Everyone gives a round of applause at the end.
“You know what would go well with this cashmere throw? Cheesecake!”
Back in the studio with Brillo, Diddy has asked Orangebrey to record some vocals on the new version of “Take You There.” They flirt and Brillo looks totally uncomfortable. Then he tells us that the original version of the song is sexier but this new version is more about a relationship. So what better pair than he and Orangebrey? BTDubs, she is wearing a white dress with a big pink bow on it. It’s kinda cute but also makes her look like a birthday present, which is probably the point because I bet she wants nothing more than to be unwrapped by the Brills.
The two ex-lovebirds sit down and do what appears like writing their own lyrics. Brillo asks if she wants alcohol, and she asks if he’s trying to take advantage of her. Then she adds that she wants him to. Ohh Orangebrey! You and your sex kitten ways! How they bore me! And I don’t mean to act totally bored by this show because I DO enjoy it. But this week’s episode feels longer than the history of time. I just want to get to next week because it looks so much juicier.
Time for that radio interview about Schweaty Balls!
After a little singing, Brillo tells Orangebrey that it’s good enough to send to New York for editing. He says that she works quick. She cackles and says that she never works quick. They hug and called themselves Team Daubrey. How nice.
This week’s segment of “Diddy’s Fit Club” is pretty typical. Diddy sits on a bench with a footlong sandwich that looks like roastbeef. He tries a million times to take a bite of it, but he has a hard time holding it up for some reason. And then Nurse Margaret runs on screen and tackles him. We all saw that one coming, though, right?
Time for the last show on the tour! In the dressing room, Aundrea tells Dawn about how Will told her that her mom has a picture that he wants. Aundrea says that when she asked her mom about it, she told her that he wanted the picture of himself naked. Dawn says that she told Que not to follow suit. But apparently Que told Dawn that everyone screamed so it was okay. Aundrea asks what kind of scream it was because maybe it was a scream in horror. Dawn says it was funny seeing skinny Que next to Will who is like the Incredible Hulk.
Knit cardigan? Plastic hoops? Large rollers? Bea Arthur, is that you?!
Diddy enters the DK dressing room to congratulate the girls on their last show. They ask if he’s going to run onstage with a platinum plaque tonight. He says no but he’ll introduce them on stage. And along with Orangebrey’s weird elfin ears, for the first time, I notice her weird cartoon bowtie.
Borrowing from Mickey Mouse’s wardrobe again, are we?
Brillo starts off the show. He exposes one nipple during “Take You There,” and then takes off his shirt at the end and throws it into a mob of screaming girls. Day26 performs and of course Will rips off his shirt during “Got Me Goin’,” and Que follows suit again. Brian takes off his jacket but no shirt ripping. And I’m kinda surprised because from what I recall of past seasons, Brian has a really great body.
What the guys don’t know is that Danity Kane has a little surprise for all the guys. Diddy comes out to introduce the girls and thank the audience. He says that if they have a dream, then they need to hold onto it and not let anybody hit them with bitchassness. Now welcome to the Dollhouse.
After performing the song “Striptease,” the girls tell Brillo to come out on stage. He sits on a chair and the girls writhe all around him. We know that Brills is no rookie to being surrounded by writhing gals, yet he still manages to look stunned. He sings along and also looks like a deer in the headlights. Big Butter says that if that doesn’t loosen up Brillo, then nothing will loosen him up.
Brillo now seeks counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder.
But that’s just the beginning. Time to bring all the guys out. The girls have Day26 sit in chairs and give them all lapdances. Orangebrey has Big Butter. Aundrea gets Willie. Shannon has Brian. Robert has D. Woods and, of course, Dawn is with Que. All the guys bite their bottom lips and can barely handle themselves. It’s Big Mike’s birthday, so everyone cheers for him and Orangey tries to tear his shirt off at the end. Dawn says that the boys brought the sexy, but when it comes to bringing the real sexy, the girls are on top. Big Mike gives a big thumbs up and says good job to Orangebrey.
And now the tour is officially dunzo. Diddy gathers all his minions in the dressing room and says they’ve really improved since New York. They had a stronger vibe and are more of a unit. Brillo is more confident. Day26 is future headliners. DK is effortless and beautiful. They all clap. Diddy says happy birthday to Mike and tells him that he can eat some birthday cake. Orangebrey smears icing on his face.
He looks like a freaky evil clown! Oh great, now I’ll never sleep again.
Okay now tonight’s show looks bananas! It looks like there is going to be some major trouble in paradise with Danity Kane, and I’ve been DYING to know what it is! I’ve heard rumors that Orangebrey and D.Woods get kicked out of the group. I’m kinda scared about that. As annoying as Orangey is, she provides endless hours of entertainment. What would we do without her? Just watch more naked Willie and Dawn/Que sappiness? No thanks!
What have you all heard?
See ya tonight!