The live season finale of Making the Band opens this week in MTV studios in New York City with our host big-hatted Sway. He is yap, yap, yapping away, but I can’t even hear any of it because all I want to know is whether or not Orangebrey and D.Woods are still in the band. Let’s cut the crap, Sway, and get to the goods!
If only we could get back into our Delorian, rev it up to exactly 88 mph and return to the time when skin was skin colored, hair wasn’t bleached and and makeup didn’t look like barf.Via a magical talking box, Sway transports us back to Danity Kane’s meeting with Diddy where we left off last week. Everything is in black and white, which is ancient tv tradition for “flashback.” We get to relive the entire scene where Diddy calls out Aundrea for threatening to quit the band and Orangebrey for her big mouth. It’s pretty funny because it’s sooooooo dramatic and actually reminds me of a political tv ad. You know, the kind with the dramatic music, ominous voice, pausing on extreme close-ups of the opposing candidate — close-ups so close that you can literally see the beads of sweat forming on their pores. It’s ridonkle.
“I’m Orangebrey O’Day and I approve this ridonkle ad.”
But suddenly we are restored back to the real world in Technicolor, and it is thundering and raining. Has anyone ever noticed that it is ALWAYS raining whenever Diddy has a scary meeting with any of his groups or Boomcat or whoever? It’s okay, folks, the manufactured drama won’t hurt much longer. We’re on our last episode, so let’s all hold hands and tough it out.
Whenever Diddy schedules a scary meeting, he tells God to make it storm for effect.
Again, we see Diddy tell Orangebrey that he doesn’t want her in the group anymore. Shannon tries to interrupt, and Diddy says that he doesn’t like Orange’s energy, her style or what she does with the brand when she’s out “wowing around” being raunchy. Then he asks Shannon if she’d like to go too. Shannon says that she doesn’t know if it can be Danity Kane without the five of them. Then she makes about five worried faces right in a row. You know, the kind of face you make when you feel a kidney stone descending through your urethra. Or find out that you’re pregnant with K-Fed’s baby.
“But he said he pulled out!”
Now Diddy’s wrath turns on D.Woods. He says that he’s heard that she’s not a happy camper in the situation. She says that no one’s been happy for a long time. So then he says that she can go too. Like Orangebrey, she just mutters “ok.” Then she asks if he’s sure. He says he is. She and Orangey both say they respect his decision. D says that it’s been a pleasure working with him, and she’s respected him her whole life and hopes they can work together again. When she says “her whole life,” Diddy is reminded of how old he is and gets even angrier that his plan to cheat age and time never panned out. Back to the ‘Permanent Youth’ drawing board!
Diddy turns to Aundrea and asks how she feels because if Orangey was always her problem, then that problem has been solved. Aundrea says that they’re not Danity Kane without the five of them. He says then they can think about that, but he stresses again that Orangebrey will NOT be in the group. Then he says that there WILL still be a Danity Kane. Aundrea timidly says, “It’s right here.” But he replies, “It ain’t here no more. This ain’t the vision that I had for it.”
D.Woods then makes the dreadful mistake of bringing up God. She mutters something about God’s plan or God’s decision or how God should be in the next Danity Kane video. Diddy retorts that God has better things to do than care about petty things like whether or not D.Woods has a job. I mean, if God were that concerned with D.Woods, then he would have intervened before she got that lopsided-ass haircut. Besides, God would be too much direct competition for Diddy, and Diddy competes with no one. And with that, he leaves the room.
D gets up first and goes to hug Dawn. She says that she’s proud that Diddy decided to give Dawn a solo proj, but she says it in a weird way. I couldn’t tell if she was being genuine or snarky. They all hug and cry and seem confused about how they were just broken up. D leaves the room. Then Orangebrey makes the hugging rounds and exits.
Dawn doesn’t understand why a hug is in order. A brief high-five would have sufficed.
After D’Orange leaves, Aundrea, Shannon and Dawn stick around to talk. Shannon says there’s no DK without the five of them, and she sounds pretty solid about that. An a cappella, sad version of “Damaged” plays in the background, and we see Diddy at his desk looking stressed. He must be pushing for his Emmy this season. I halfway expect him to squeeze out a tear.
Back in the live MTV studio for our live reunion show, it’s silent. Sway asks a random dude how he feels, and he says that Diddy did what was best for the group. Everyone angrily boos, and now that dude is in the Witness Protection Program being protected from rabid Orangebrey Fans.
After the break, we are back at Bad Boy, and Shannon says she doesn’t want to bring other people into the group. Diddy shows up again and asks the girls to come to his office. The girls take a somber elevator ride to Diddy’s office that seems to last forever. But, then again, I guess taking an elevator all the way down to hell would take quite a long time. I mean, you’d have to go all the way through the Earth’s crust and then past all that liquid, hot magma in the mantle.
I bet the elevator music on the elevator ride to hell is the “Macarena.”
Diddy tells the remaining girls that he doesn’t have a problem with them. He says if they don’t want to be in the group anymore, then they don’t have to. But he wants to see them go forward. Dawn says that she can’t go back because she doesn’t have anything to go back to. She says they still all want to go on, but they never saw it without the other two. Diddy says they need to learn how to appreciate each other. Because now they are crying, but they used to wish that other people weren’t in the group, so they should watch what they wish for. Diddy’s new role this season is that of an evil wish-making genie.
Diddy tells Shannon that she’s been a pleasure to work with. Then he turns to Dawn and says she’s been a pleasure to work with too. Finally, he turns to Aundrea and says that she’s in the “problem child” category. He feels like the problems in the group have been between three people, but he wants to work it out because he doesn’t want DK to be a failure on his record. He says that he’s not going to drop his group and let them sign another label after two number one albums.
Diddy tells them to go sleep on it and pray on it. (Yes, pray on it. It’s not petty to bring God into the equation as long as it’s Diddy who’s doing the bringing.) He gives the girls a hug and says he’s sorry that it’s going down the way it is.
Back in the MTV studio, Sway says they might need therapists for the crowd because everyone is so upset. Luckily, they all have a free gift bag of Prozac under their chairs. Sway brings out Brillo and Day26 for their take. Firstl, he asks Robert how he’s feeling. And HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ROB! His brillo is gone, and girrrrrrrrl he is looking FINE.
Bitchassness or not, Robby is really doing it for me.
Robert says that watching the footage hurts because the girls are like sisters to them. Sway then asks Brillo what he’s heard because Brillo and Orangebrey had an on-again off-again thing. Brillo says that he didn’t know anything because he and Orangey had a falling out, so it was the first time he’d seen the footage, and he was shocked. Sway jokes saying, “So you’re off again, then?” Has anyone heard about their falling out? I don’t know any dirt there, but I imagine that Brillo tried to date again and Orangey got jealous. Just a hunch.
Next up is Que. Que says that obviously he talks to Dawn because she’s his girl. And he says that he didn’t appreciate that Orangey called Dawn out on her solo stuff because that’s jealousy, and Dawn wasn’t jealous when Orange did “Hairspray” on Broadway. He thinks the jealousy is petty. And we can tell that he means it because he makes a really scary face:
Sway asks Brian if he’s nervous that the same thing could happen to Day26. Brian says no because they all have love and respect for each other. He says that like any relationship they have problems, but they get over them. You know, with a little help from anger management. Big Butter chimes in saying that Day26 will be together forever. They will be doing boomcats with their walkers in the nursing home.
Diddy appears live from his Miami hotel suite — wearing a bathrobe — to play innocent and point the blame at the girls. Sway asks that if they are all like family, then why did he decide to split up the family. Diddy says that when some members are disrespecting others, then it’s time for them to move out of the house. I know what he means. When my baby sister wouldn’t stop crying, it was time to send that asshole on her way.
Sway says that Orangebrey was the first member in the group, so he obviously built the group around her. He asks how hard it was to let her go. Diddy says that it wasn’t that hard because the Orangebrey he let go wasn’t the Orangebrey that he signed. Diddy says that if the Orangebrey he signed ever showed up, then he doesn’t know what the future would hold. Diddy then says that if he’s talking weird it’s because he’s hearing an echo in his earpiece, not because he’s drinking in his hotel room. (Yeah right. As if we don’t know you’ve been pushing the Ciroc.) Diddy undoes his robe to reveal a t-shirt that says “I love Michelle Obama” and then reiterates that he’s not the bad guy because all the problems are with the girls internally.
Clarification: THIS is the Orangebrey he signed.
Sway asks if D.Woods was kicked out because she was guilty by association. Diddy explains that he really wouldn’t have any problem working with D, and he did backpedal on that, which he normally wouldn’t do. D just happened to catch his wrath that day. Then he says that he only wants to work with a group that can work their own problems out. He says again that he doesn’t have any beef with Orangebrey. It’s just that he wants to work with the person he signed and not with the person that fame has made her.
Clarification: THIS is the Orangebrey he signed.
Sway asks if Diddy has spoken with any of the group since the meeting. He says he hasn’t because when he gets upset, he retreats. So he went to Miami for a massage instead. Sway then asks if there’s anything that Orangebrey and D.Woods could do to get back into the group. Diddy says that it’s up to the group and not really his decision. Then he plugs the Brillo album and Obama. And kinda funny that he says the decision is up to the group when he just kicked two people out. Interesting how that works.
Now the remaining members of Danity Kane take the stage. They all look pretty nervous and say they are shocked. Sway turns to the audience and says that in case they don’t think it’s real, it’s very real. We’re all so used to the manufactured drama that we wonder if they’re just crying wolf. Dawn says that originally all the girls were competitors, and they were five personalities trying to make it work. And it’s hard to make it work without the communication and trust, although that doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. Shannon says that she was shocked that they got dismantled because all families have problems but that doesn’t mean that they are no longer family. It’s all very awkward, and I feel uncomfortable just watching them.
Time to do the nervous-girl lip press!
Sway asks Aundrea how she feels about the group’s potential, and she says that she doesn’t know because she doesn’t know what to think. Dawn says they are strong women, and people haven’t even begun to see their potential. She says they’re not scared, and they’ll get it together. Now it’s time to hear from the Orangesicle! And when Sway says the word “Orangebrey,” all the girls squirm in their chairs. Body language can be so telling sometimes.
Sway tells us that both Orangebrey and D.Woods were invited, but D couldn’t make it because she had another engagement. (Other engagement = Softly sobbing in a corner.) Orangebrey trots out and hugs everyone. She says that she had a nice little statement prepared, but then she saw what Diddy said and it brought her back to all the haters and blogs that call her a ho. Orange says that she can’t stand all the haters who say that just because she’s real, she’s not representing women. She says that she’s tired to defending herself as a woman because she really believes in herself and wants other people to get that.
“And now I’m going to shit on the table and steal everyone’s thunder!”
Orange tells us that it’s not just about her or the group or Diddy. That everyone has people in their lives who call them things that they are not and who try to get them down. But she would rather people hate her every day than like her for something she’s not. The audience cheers but neither Dawn or Aundrea clap.
Orangebrey’s rant continues as she says that she has no regrets in life because even the things she’s done that she’s not the most proud of have taught her how to be better. She says that the group hasn’t always been trusting of each other or good family members, but they’ve always gotten through it. Then she stands up, SCREAMS and BOWS. Kinda weird, I’m not gonna lie. Dawn and Aundrea continue to look uncomfortable, but Shannon pretends to be supportive and even holds her hand.
Sway tells Orangebrey to look up at the monitor and say something to Diddy. She tells him that she loves his shirt. There is a long delay and then he tells her that her attitude will have her in a dark and lonely place. He says she needs to be humble and take accountability. Um, WHAT?! She just complimented his silly shirt, and he bashed her out of nowhere. I actually really didn’t appreciate that. Then Diddy swiftly changes the subject by saying that she hopes she’s voting for Obama. Orangebrey gets excited and says that she is. She says that it’s a major election and she hopes everyone votes for Obama because he’s the only one who will make a change.
Then Sway tells us that there WILL be another season of “Making the Band.” Very interesting. You know, from the way they’re all talking, I have a sneaking suspicion that Danity Kane will eventually be back to our original five members. Either that or Aundrea will drop out too, and it will all totally fall apart.
What did you all think? Are you glad that Orangebrey and D are gone, and are you going to miss our little Ebony and Ivory symbiotic relationship?
So that’s it, folks! Another season of MTB down the drain! Follow me over to the CW where I’ll be recapping “Stylista,” on every Wednesday at 9 p.m. E/P.