All right Gasmii! It is finally time for all that Brillo/Orangebrey DRAMA we’ve been waiting for!
No double dips! (Violators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.)
This episode opens with Diddy holding a business card over the bottom half of his face that has the logo for Sean John written across it, basically giving a shameless plug for his clothing line, which according to the web site, reflects an urban sensibility and style. I want to believe that his crutches are Sean John brand, too. You know, well-made and sophisticated. The Future of Fashion in walking aids.
Putting his money where his mouth is.
Anyway, Diddy is extremely giddy today. “We’re bigger and blacker and bolder and better than ever! And we’re coming to a screen near you! Oozing all over that screen!” Ew. That’s disgusting. Please keep your Diddy-ooze all to your Diddy-self. Thank you.
He tells us that you have to be good enough to deserve to be in Daddy’s House. And, thanks to all my faithful readers, I understand that Daddy’s House is the official name of his studio and not just a weird nickname. Apparently, it was created when he was still going by “Puff Daddy.” (p.s. Thanks readers and Diddy life experts! I couldn’t function without you!) He says that he kicked the boys out of the studio due to no emotional connection with the music. Totally true. The boys always seem bored and like they don’t want to put in any real effort. It’s getting pretty old watching them just go through the motions all zombie-like in the studio.
Snooze. All this rockstar business is a terrible bore.
With that, we are back in the vocal studio with Gandhi and the boys. And this week, he really doesn’t look as much like Gandhi at all. But, I think we’ll keep the nickname because, well, I like it. And it’s good to throw in good historical references here and there. It keeps our brain cells working.
So anyway Gandhi is barking like a drill sargent and the boys are following orders, doing breathing exercises. It kind of looks like lamaze coaching. Or at least from what I know of lamaze by watching tv, mainly Scott Baio’s show. And even some of the guys look pregnant. So maybe they are doing lamaze after all.
And then it popped. And was just full of spiders!
Next, Biv walks in the studio. I really hope he’s there to talk to Brillo and tell him that Orangebrey “is like poiiiisoooon!” But alas, he’s there to talk business and not love advice. He basically says that Diddy’s mind is always on the money. And he gets upset when he sees the boys doing badly because he sees dollar signs going down the drain. Biv states, “Don’t be the big tv group that breaks. I ain’t goin’ down with that shit.” They all laugh. I wouldn’t be thinking it was so funny if I were the boys. I think they are basically being told that they will be fired if they don’t straighten up. But, sure, laugh all your want. Unemployment is hilarious!
Across town, DK is in the studio being visited by Willie and Brillo. Orangebrey tells Brillo to come over for a hug and calls him “lover boy.” I wonder if when she hugs him, orange rubs off on his jacket? Kind of like that stuff that gets on your hands when you eat Cheetos. Watch out, Brillo! That girl is DANGEROUSLY cheezy!
Dawn tells us that the couple is like a very tan Barbie and a very frosted-haired Ken. And then Aubrey says that she wants to take a picture of Brillo in his boxers and put that picture on her shirt. Brillo doesn’t respond because, how does one even respond to such a statement? “Ok, that sounds great?” Or “Only if I’m wearing my favorite G.I. Joe boxers?” It’s so weird because you can so totally tell that she makes him uncomfortable, and yet he just keeps coming back for more. This is a fine example of masochism.
D says that she could tell something was going on with Brill and Aubs when they were holding hands at church. And Dawn says she could see something stirring on the bus ride back from the show for the Boys and Girls Club when Aubrey threw her legs in his lap and flashed her cooter at everyone.
Now Brillo and Orangebrey are hanging out alone in a different part of the studio that looks like a nasty steel kitchen. Orange’s face is totally being eaten by an enormous pair of sunglasses, but at least the headband is missing. I’m just not strong enough to handle two fashion faux pas on one face today, so I’m glad that band is gone. They engage in really awkward conversation about nothing, punctuated by awkward laughs. She is also smacking her gum like nobody’s business.
Brillo tells us that he’d like to get to know Orangebrey on a one-on-one level to see what she’s like on her own. He said she is crazy out at the club and wants to see if there is a softer side. Maybe like the side she showed two seasons ago before she became completely full of herself and damaged by fashion errors?
Back in the awkward, strangely dirty studio kitchen, Brillo asks Orangebrey out to dinner and then they share an awkward laugh. Oh there is really no place more romantic than being next to an enormous pasta pot in the creepiest kitchen ever! He kisses her on the cheek and promptly exits.
The face of someone who is thrilled about their date.
Orangebrey tells us that Brillo is growing on her a little. Like a nice wet, juicy cold sore! She says that she wants to learn a little bit of his business, like whether or not he has a woman. (p.s. Why does she sometimes speak with an accent? According to Wikipedia, she is from San Francisco. My best friend lives in San Fran and does NOT talk like THAT. So many stars become famous and adopt this weird Long Islandy, sassy drawl. And the worst part is that it’s not consistent. Orangebrey only talks this way about half the time.)
Back at the Flatotel, the boys tease Brillo about his date with Orangebrey. Robert asks Brillo if he likes her, and he says that he doesn’t know her well enough yet, but he really liked her on the bus. Well, YEAH you did! She was flashing her cooter all over the place! But apparently the code word for “cooter flashing” is now “being down to earth” because those are the words he chooses to describe her with. But he says that she was talking about how things were before Diddy entered her life, and he could tell that she was normal again. “Like how she used to be.” Okay, cool. I’m glad we’re not the only ones who noticed the strange transformation of Aubrey into Orangebrey.
Robert says he has had bad experiences with Danity Kane members. Well, Robert, that’s because you had a little Junebug hiding at home and totally blew up when you were called out. That’s no one’s fault but your own, Bitchass! Then Brillo deadpans “Well, they are human beings just like us.” Whoa! What! Don’t get all philosophical here on us — leave that bullshit up to Gandhi.
Over at Le Parker Meridian, Orangebrey is dilligently getting spruced up for her date, which means setting her stun gun to “Extra Orange” and blasting herself in the face.
There are more colors on this girls face than in a box of Crayolas
She comes downstairs just as Brillo is walking up and fakely greets him with “Hey, doll.” Too bad, Brillo, the down-to-earth Aubrey will not be attending your date. It looks like you’re stuck with this season’s model. They walk arm-in-arm down the street to the restaurant.
At dinner, we find out that Brillo and Orangebrey have two things in common: (1) their parents split up when they were very young, and (2) their childhoods were a blur. Brillo says that he struggled for so long that he doesn’t know how to deal with the fast fame. He wants to stay humble and true to himself, but he also wants to take it all in and enjoy it. Orangebrey says that there’s a balance to it. But don’t worry. Their conversation quickly turns to a much shallower topic.
Brillo says that he loves his Abercrombie & Fitch and will refuse to take it off. Then he asks why Orangebrey doesn’t wear the Abercrombie & Fitch. She explains that she was never really an Abercrombie & Fitch girl. Abercrombie & Fitch clothes clashed with her skin. Okay, Abercrombie & Fitch is was like the bain of my existence when I was younger. One t-shirt is like $50 and the sizes run so small that you can’t help but feel fat. One time I actually got stuck in a Polo shirt in their dressing room. My friend had to come in and pull me out. I have boycotted that store every since.
But enough about me and my body image issues because this convo between the lovebirds is getting more uncomfortable by the minute. Orange says that she bets Brillo’s ex-gf was an “Abercrombie girl.” What IS an “Abercrombie girl” anyway? Someone tiny enough to fit into those little sizes without feeling like a bloated toad? And are we really spending this much time talking about a store in a mall and defining the people who can wear it?
Trying hard to appear awake and interested
Brillo says that she has him all wrong. Apparently, Abercrombie boys don’t mix with Abercrombie girls. What a lethal pairing. Orangebrey counters by saying that she doesn’t know him at all because she only knows what he tells her, which isn’t much. Then Brillo says that she’s slick too. Yeah, that’s all the tanning oil. But Orangebrey says, “No. I’m just real.” He tells her she’s cool, and then she says, “I know.” They toast to her being down-to-earth and not a “stuck up, platinum selling artist.” Although she says, “I never was that!” We hope that Brillo knows better. He said that some people do think that about her, but she just has to have tough skin. Tough, leathery, orange skin. Raw hide, if you will.
The waiter comes over, and Orangebrey orders another glass of wine. But Brillo orders a Long Island Iced Tea. Whoa! Boy means business! I really can’t ever imagine ordering a STRONG ISLAND at such a nice restaurant. Those should only be reserved for college nights at karaoke bars when you need a little liquid courage to get you up on stage long enough to belt out that Pat Benetar hit. But it looks like Brillo is fixing to put on the beer goggles tonight and tap a little Orange piece of pie.
Next they are walking home through a strange construction area. What neighborhood is this restaurant in? And Brillo tells us that there’s an Abercrombie store up ahead. She says she loves his A&F jacket though. It’s growing on her. Again, like a nice, juicy cold sore.
Symbolism: Their relationship is as stable as this boarded-up building that’s about to crumble.
Brillo walks her all the way back to the hotel, and then they share a lingering good night kiss. He says he’ll call her tomorrow. He giggles to himself on the walk home. Must be the Long Island.
Back at Flatotel, Brian wants to know the details. More specifically, he wants to know if there were “smooches” because now we’re using babytalk, I guess.
Did Brillo Willo get a smoochy woochy? Yes him did!
Because Brillo is a man of honor, he does not kiss and tell. Well…he doesn’t tell Brian, at least. He saves all the juicy tidbits for Robert who smacks his forehead when he finds out and then bursts out laughing. Brillo seems both giddy and quite pleased with himself. I want to think it’s cute, but I already know about the drama that is lurking just around the corner.
Literally fifteen minutes later, the boys decide to go out and Brillo calls up some girls that they met right when they got to New York. The girls show up downstairs at Flatotel, and Robert says he wants to go down first so he can call “first dibs” on the girl he wants. Brillo says he already knows what girl he wants. Then he and Robert beat their chest and guffaw and act all manly and dumb.
I call dibs on the one who brought her PINK BACKPACK. That’s hot.
Okay, I do not have very high expectations for Brillo. But I at least expected him NOT to take out two girls in the very same night. That is pretty low, even for someone with such awful hair.
They go to the restaurant because apparently Brillo hasn’t been fed for at least an hour. He has a girl and Robert has a girl, but Q is sitting alone. So he decides to invite Dawn. But there’s a catch.
On a mission to destroy your life.
He tells her to come to dinner and bring Orangebrey because they are all on a date including Brillo. Dawn points out how dumb it is that Brillo has taken TWO girls out for dinner on the SAME NIGHT. She says, “No double dipping, fellas! Maybe the next day, but not the same day! It’s too different flavors. It doesn’t taste good!” Word. Orangebrey is like Orange Sherbet and this girl is like Wavy Gravy. Totally unsuitable for a hot fudge date sundae with a Nut! By the way, my love for ice cream is now forever dead.
Then Orangebrey says, “Donnie got to know peace, love and hair grease Aubrey at dinner.” Is that really what she said? HAIR GREASE!? You guys have to tell me if I either (a) misheard or (b) missed some inside joke about hair grease. Because that just doesn’t make sense and is totally gross. Then again, maybe she really is down-to-earth afterall and aware enough to notice the overly processed mop on her head. Well, anyway, Hair Grease Aubrey is done anyway. Because now “Auberella” is about to come out to “check his ass, for real.”
I think I finally get it. Orangebrey is the normal Season 4 character. And Orangerella is the gum-smacking, accented version who comes out mostly only around Brillo.
The boys scheme and decide not to tell Brillo that Orangerella is on her way down to the restaurant, so he continues to get all cozy with Wavy Gravy in the booth.
“Wait! Make sure the cameras get my good side!”
Dawn and Orangerella walk in and the ‘Rella wastes no time. She stomps right over to Brillo and says, “Is this your girlfriend?” Brillo mutters no. And then she asks Gravy, “Is this your boyfriend?” She also says no. So then Orangerella sassily says, “Well. You guys are a really cute couple.” She pats Brillo on the arm and says through a clenched smile, “Donnie. You’re always bringin’ home the winners.” Dawn is laughing in the background and Brillo asks, “Are you serious?” I feel a bit bad for the Gravy over there who probably has zero idea what is going on. Orange snaps, “So serious.” And stomps off.
Brillo says that he’s not doing anything, so she can’t get mad. Oh Brillo, Brillo, Brillo. Have you learned nothing at all about the ladies? We pretend like we are the cool girl and like we don’t care what you do. But we do care. And we care A LOT. And we like to believe we are the only girl in your life. Or at least the only girl for that night. You are dumber than I ever imagined. Dumb beyond redemption.
Dawn and Orangerella cram into the booth by Q and stare the Brillo down. Brillo, however, blames Q and calls him a dick. Yeah, planning the stand-off at the restaurant was a little lame. But Brillo has no one to blame but himself. Q said it was just a joke but that Orangerella didn’t take it that way. I really do wonder what Q’s intentions were here. I understand that he is always the group prankster, but I almost wonder if he was set up by producers here just to create good tv.
Meanwhile, Robert is trying to take advantage of the situation by putting his arm around and comforting Orangerella. I think he’s just looking to cop a cheap feel literally two feet from Brillo and Wavy Gravy. Orangerella tells Robert that Brillo was the one who asked HER on a date that — oh snap! — she didn’t even want to go on! Robert tells her that Brillo said SHE kissed HIM, and SHE claims that Brillo was the one who kissed HER. And then SHE gets a phonecall that HE’S on a date with another GIRL. He PLAYED himself tonight. It’s totally SHADY. Not that Brillo is her MAN, but HE took HER out on a DATE and then three minutes later, HE’s out with NEW DATE! So TECHNICALLY that puts HIM in the WRONG and HER in the RIGHT. Because HE wants to PLAY HIMSELF like this sweet LITTLE GUY but he’s NOT. He’s PLAYIN’ HIMSELF right now like the PLAYER HE REALLY IS. Hmph!
Do I look like I care?
And then she smiles in a purposely fake, sickly sweet way at Brillo and Wavy Gravy. But Waves doesn’t see it because she’s too busy looking directly into the cameras. Now, I’m not one to hate on a girl based solely upon her looks because obviously I know nothing about her. But, really? Really, Brillo? THIS is who you choose to piss off Orangerella for? Maybe it’s because Wavy Gravy wears Abercrombie, and we know that Orangerella does not.
Brillo stares back with pissed off face and pursed lips. He tells us that he’s not even flirting with this girl. He’s just talking to her. Sitting extra super close on the same side of a booth, sharing a drink and playing footsy under the table. But just talking!
Mike’s view: Who gives a crap! Mike’s turning into my kind of guy. Not a big fan of his perched hat, but I enjoy his flippant ways. Brillo’s really not the prize to be fighting over here.
Robert offers Orangella a shot of vodka to diffuse the situation, but she said that the shot will just make her want to beat “someone’s” ass if she takes it. I’ll give you two guesses who that “someone” is. (Hint: Their name rhymes with Grillo.) In an ass beating, my money would totally be on Orangella too. She’d be too greased up for him to really be able to hold her down, and she could kick him up the butt with one of her pointy shows.
Orangella walks over and shakes Wavy Gravy’s hand before storming out. Again, Waves looks RIGHT at the camera. Oh MTV, where do you FIND these people!? She tells us that because Brills has been double dipping, he will no longer be allowed to partake in the orange sherbet that she has to offer. Dawn, Willie and Q leave with her.
Brillo then asks Robert why Q would set him up like that. Next we see sirens buzzing through New York, and I am halfway hoping that they are coming for Brillo’s beaten and bloody body. But no. Just a transitional shot taking us back to Flatotel where Brillo is telling Brian that he’s furious at Q.
And here is a rundown of the fight that ensues over the next 10 minutes of the show:
Q: I didn’t mean any harm. It was all just a joke.
Brillo: Well, like, that is, like, the least funniest joke EVAH!
Q: Brian did it.
Brillo: I can’t trust you anymore.
Q: Brian did it.
Brian: Now I’m getting pissed off!
Brillo: Go to bed! Just stop talking!
Q: Brian did it.
Brian: STOP SAYING THAT I DID IT!!!!
Mike: Brian has an anger problem.
Mike, by the way, is wearing all black and chewing on a toothpick. And something about it looks very French to me.
Oh la la! All zee drama!
And Q’s hat/scarf combo looks like Jar Jar Binks:
My apologies for the nerdy reference.
We come back from the commercial break to a very snowy New York. Diddy says he’s looking a little pale, and he’s ready to go sunbathe in Miami. The boys and girls are all flown down to work in Miami, but there’s a catch: they will all be living together in one big house. Orangerella who is now back to being just plain Orangebrey offers a very sad frown.
Diddy says it will be fun watching them all share one bathroom. I wish their house actually did have one bathroom. That’d be some entertainment. But I’m sure it has no less than 10 because it is a freakin’ mansion. Willies tells us that he’s not sure how his girl is going to deal with him living with five girls. And Mike says he hopes it’s better than living with 19 dudes. In a previous life, Mike was a pauper living in a turn-of-the-century orphanage.
The house is ridiculously large. Diddy-sized, in fact. And the shower is orgy-sized for sure.
Don’t be fooled. There’s only one bathroom.
In one of the bedrooms, Orangebrey recounts the whole double dipping situation to Shannon and Aundrea who I haven’t seen in years. Aundrea asks if the girl was cute and Orangerella just shoots a very telling glance. They crack up. Orangey tells us that she took her friendship with Brillo very seriously and thinks his moves were very disrespectful. I really think she is just shocked that he doesn’t want her as much as she thinks he should.
Orangebrey takes Brillo out to a dock outside to chat it all out. Brillo says that he doesn’t want Orangey to think he’s fake because he really did feel he clicked with her. On what kind of level did they click? Who knows. He sure doesn’t. But the clicking was still very real, nonetheless.
Orangey said that she wouldn’t have even gone out with him if she didn’t want to get to know him better because she’s happy being single and doesn’t want to be caught up in a messy event. I’m not sure I believe her. I think she did really want to be with him. Brillo’s defense is that those were girls they’d met altogether as a group and it wasn’t one-on-one. She says that he would be mad if she did that to him, and he says that he wouldn’t have said a word. Orangey says that she doesn’t care when he takes out other girls, but it’s disrespectful when he takes out other girls. So basically, do what you want, but I’ll be mad if it’s not what I want.
No, sure. Date other girls. I’m fine with it. Really. I love being single.
Orangey says that if he wants to take out girls date after date after date, then he should do that with regular girls. But she’s not a regular girl, and he shouldn’t do that with her because they have to get along and work together on the same label. Brillo apologizes for the way Orangey took it, but he doesn’t apologize for what he did because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. Orangey says he needs to respect her as an artist. He says he just wants to be friends and have fun. Orangey says tersely, “That’s fine. But my friendship takes time.” I really think Orangina is hurt. And not just because she’s been disrespected “as an artist.” I think she thinks very highly of herself and sees herself as the prize and is pissed that he doesn’t share the same view. It was bad that he took that other girl out the very same night after kissing her. But he’s, what? 15? And we’ve already established that he’s possibly brain damaged. So what can you really expect.
Later that night, Gandhi shows up for some vocal lessons. Brillo plays the piano, and the boys sing that same slow song that they always sing, “Exclusive.” Oh I’m getting so sick of hearing it. Ugh. The boys try to give it feeling…yet again. And yet again, it just seems very manufactured. They make phoney emotional faces and gestures to convey feeling, but it just seems fake. Gandhi tells Q to stop looking like he’s in pain. He says part of them needs to be in it, but part of them needs to be aware.
Gandhi yells at them and says that Robert is the only one who will take direction while he’s singing and keep going. Wow. Go Bitchass! Gandhi tells them to stop thinking about the perfection of the voice and to stay in the moment and feel the emotion in the moment. Willie nods blankly and then says, “What that mean?” And they all laugh. Bad move, guys. Bad move. Can’t you tell that Gandhi’s not here to play around?! Gandhi says that he doesn’t know why they’d be playing because they are here to do a job and that should not be taken for granted.
Now it’s time for an ‘EMOTIONAL OFF!’ The goal is to try to convey as much heartless emotion as possible! Anybody can play! Few can win! And most certainly the audience will lose! Hit it boys! Strain your faces to make it look like you are trying to squeeze out a big poop! Act like you have a hernia! Chop an onion in the back ground to make it appear as though you are crying!
“I’m not singing my song to you. I’m FEELING the words AT you.”
Just then, Diddy pops in, which is never good. Without greeting the boys, he asks if the girls are there. He asks everyone to gather around the couch and has each person sing solo. Shannon starts off, and she’s really come a long way. I remember a couple seasons ago when DK was making their album, and Shanny had the same emotionally-not-connected problem that the boys have. Now she has that fake crying thing down pat.
All the girls go one after the other in very dramatic fashion, really showing off just how emotional they can be. Orangerella goes last and is in the most ridiculous outfit yet. She’s not only wearing a straight-up sweatband around her head, but she has on a completely ’80s athletic outfit. It’s exactly like my Halloween costume this year when I went as a 1980s aerobics instructor.
My costume was a joke.
Sadly, not a joke.
Orangerella jazzercises around, singing directly and obviously to Brillo. Angrily. She prances poutily in her little outfit and sings about how a guy was making a fool out of her. All the guys knowingly grin while Brillo looks pissy because he didn’t do anything wrong, remember? When she’s done, she looks right at Brillo, and he instantly looks away.
Diddy says it is a blessing to work with people as talented as the girls, and then he asks them to leave, so he can chat with the boys alone. Diddy tells the boys that he put them into the studio prematurely and had to pull them out. He wants them to have a certain style that affects people in an emotional way. He wants to see where they’re all at to see if they are ready to go back into the studio because they are running out of time. The boys get up and go over to the piano where Brillo is playing. And AGAIN we hear the song “Exclusive.” If I hear this song one more time, I swear I’m going to buy the cd, break it into pieces and slit my own wrists.
The boys sing and yet again mime all the emotions. Overdramatic gestures and intense frowns. God it’s so bad. Luckily Diddy stops them. He says they need to portray that the stakes are really high, and that they sing to sound good instead of feeling the words. Mike says that Diddy is a true perfectionist and no matter what they do, Diddy will always find something wrong. Oh and by the way, Diddy has a cane now. His mystery ailment seems to have graduated from crutches to a cane.
So they start again. And again they are miming the words. Brian actually flexes his muscles while singing the word “strong.” They all take it SOOO literally. Diddy calls them right out and says they all look too conscious about the way they look. Exactly! “And your hands are just right. And your expressions are just right.” He says they need to be in the zone where they black out instead of thinking about where their hands are. They are making soul music and need to be raw.
And so the boys take it from the top. Again. Ugh. This song is killing me!!! For the love of Pete, GET A NEW SONG!!! But this time Diddy likes it. It’s not perfect, but they got naked. I thought it was still a little corny, but if Diddy likes it, then that means we don’t have to hear it again, so I’m on board. Praise be to Jesus! We can finally move on! Diddy is so pleased, that he wants to put them back into the studio. All the boys breathe a sigh of relief. But he warns them that it will be a lot of long days and nights, and he’s not going to waste any of his energy so they need to bring it. Finally, happiness has befallen on the men of the Flatotel and peace has been restored to the land! The guys kind of halfway smile and semi-care. It’s hard to shake them out of their boredom.
Next week it looks like Danity Kane is having a little drama in the studio, feeling stifled by the producers. Should be another drama-filled goody!
So what do you all think? Was the Orangarella vs. Brillo fight all you hoped it would be? And who’s at fault here? Brillo for double dipping, Orangebrey for being so damn annoying or Q for setting it all up?