Yes, I know that this Making the Band recap is late. I do apologize, but since it was my birthday over the weekend (57 years young!) I was knee deep in hookers and blow since Wednesday night. LetÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s just say what happens in Hartford, stays in Hartford. While I was off having my fun, the girls of Making the Band 3 were having fun of their own. This week we get a road trip to Miami! With bikinis! Yeah! You havenÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t lived until youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve seen Denosh in a bikini. LetÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s just say the girl is good at tucking everything out of sight. But it isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t all fun in the sun as Diddy is still determined to make the next great sucky pop group. Also, in one of the most awkward pre-staged cameos in reality TV history, he even brings the Backstreet Boys on the show to offer some words of wisdom. And then we get the greatest showdown in MTB history, Aubrey vs. Aundrea. The stomach vs. the dimples. So without further ado, letÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s get to the recap. On an entirely unrelated note, how much hydrochloric acid does it take to get rid of a hookerÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s body? ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s for aÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ book reportÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ or something.We open this week on a dark rainy night in the loft. Things look bleak, and are looking bleaker as our choreographer Laurie Ann shows up to the loft with a very serious look on her face. She gathers all the girls together in the room to drop her bombshell. Ã¢â‚¬Å“At this junction in the road, you all have to pack up your things. Leave nothing behind in the house. BecauseÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ DiddyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s taking you to Miami!Ã¢â‚¬? Cue the loudest collective girl scream in the world. And it must have taken everything Laurie Ann had to keep it in until then because when she finally gets the word Miami out of her mouth she flies into this epileptic dance seizure. It was Boom! Cat! madness. Madness I tell you.
So after the girls are finished screaming and jumping up and down, they pack their things and get ready for the trip. But instead of a private jet, or even the Diddy copter, they all load up onto a bus and it’s time for a road trip! ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Crosby and Hope writ large, and with chicks. Diddy, being the ultimate businessman, has them do stop offs on the road at radio stations to plug the show. We see the girls in DC for an interview on the local hip hop station. And they even give them a taste of whatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s to come with a little rendition of the ooh la la song that they butchered last episode and led to ChelseaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s demise.
From there they get to Orlando and Johnny Wright’s Ã¢â‚¬Å“compoundÃ¢â‚¬? where he makes all his magic happen. As cool as his compound may be, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s still in Orlando. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s like placing the hottest strip club in the world in Langdon, Kansas. I can only assume that years ago when he was deciding on where to build his studio/house he mustÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve thought Ã¢â‚¬Å“F Miami, Orlando is going to be the next hot spot!Ã¢â‚¬? On the bright side, if anyone ever gets a hankering for a ride on some teapots, Disney World is just down the street.
Johnny brings them into his house and shows them around, stopping to show off his many accolades. Ooh look, eight MTV Awards! IsnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t that like equal to 0.3 Grammys? Only Johnny Wright could actually take dumb MTV awards seriously. Somehow I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t think Rachel McAdams is clearing out shelf space for her Ã¢â‚¬Å“Best KissÃ¢â‚¬? MTV Golden Popcorn Movie Award. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Someday IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m hoping to put some of your records up there.Ã¢â‚¬? That about sums it up. Knowing the stingy contracts all these girls most likely signed before appearing on the show, their main purpose in life is to make Diddy and Johnny richer, and give him stuff for his walls. I just hope before the whole house of cards falls down completely we can al least squeeze out one issue of “The Girls of Making the Band” for Playboy, or if we’re really lucky, Swank.
From there Johnny leads them over to his studio where we stumble across the Backstreet Boys who just happen to be there performing. What a crazy coincidence that Backstreet Boys are there and able to plug their upcoming tour! And itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s pretty sad seeing this boy band where all the members are pushing 30. Even Marky Mark does movies now. And I think his brother was the guy that killed Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. The Wahlbergs have become the Irish Wayans brothers. LetÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s hope there is a Wahlberg version of White Chicks in our future. Another thing that stands out for the Backstreet Boys besides their advanced age is that half of them are covered in tattoos in what appears to be some sort of overcompensation for the humiliation of being a 30-something member of a boy band. This just makes me laugh. They can have as many devil head flaming tattoos that can fit on an arm, but at the end of the day, they are still a member of the Backstreet Boys. The only people that are going to buy their albums are also the ones who have subscriptions to Tiger Beat and buy My Little Pony accessories. The only celebrity to truly go from young Tiger Beat pinup celebrity to true destructive badass is Danny Bonnaduce. And he did it the hard way. Through years of out of control drug abuse, suicide attempts, and beating up trannies.
Coming soon to the Vermont County Fair!
After all the giggling girls say hi, and we get some forced cutaway Ã¢â‚¬Å“I LOVE the Backstreet Boys , go buy their new album!Ã¢â‚¬? girl interviews, the, ahem, boys, impart some wisdom and encouragement to the ladies. Ã¢â‚¬Å“We started out singing in pet stores, malls. Anywhere we could,Ã¢â‚¬? says the Ã¢â‚¬Å“generic ethnic ItalianÃ¢â‚¬? boy band member, standing next to the Ã¢â‚¬Å“ethnic Irish kid with Red Sox capÃ¢â‚¬? boy band member. I swear they make these bands from a factory somewhere like in the movie A.I. I bet somewhere thereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a Donnie Wahlberg clone wandering the earth wishing he were a real boy.
After that bit of Knute Rockney-like inspiration, the girls move on and finally hit Miami. And instead of the spartan Camp Abu Diddy accommodations, they get the full-on high living Miami penthouse suite. And we get a montage of the girls in their bikinis. Luckily the editors are smart to keep the Denoshes and Dominiques safely out of sight and focus on the Aundreas, Aubreys and Cindys of the group.
Who cares if she can sing?
Next, in one of DiddyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s vignettes, he declares that it’s time to step up. Ã¢â‚¬Å“The truth is the only thing that I will accept,Ã¢â‚¬? he says, leaving words like Ã¢â‚¬Å“talent and charismaÃ¢â‚¬? noticeably absent from his list.
The next day it’s time for more dance rehearsals with Laurie Ann, and we find out rather quickly that Laurie Ann drank a gallon of hatorade for breakfast. The girl is riled up and ready to capture some screen time. She goes all Patton on their asses and repeats the speech she no doubt practiced in the mirror that morning. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Show me who you are. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s all I have to say!Ã¢â‚¬? she screams. Yeah, somehow I doubt thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s all youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll have to say. After going through the routine a few times we see that Aundrea is having trouble picking up the moves. The kind of screw-ups that make Laurie Ann stop everything and start yelling at her. Later, we see her sad and sans makeup getting a pep talk from the increasingly orange skinned, yet still hot, fellow first season alum, Aubrey. SheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s just having an off day. We all have them. But now that Malika from season one is gone, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s clear that Diddy will take no prisoners in his quest. This leaves Aundrea rattled. To bring this home we even get to see her in one of her one-on-one interviews crying. And IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll be damned if those dimples still donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t pop out even when the girl cries. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m beginning to think they’re stab wounds or something.
Later, all the girls are back practicing their moves and it’s time for Diddy to make his appearance, with the requisite overblown intro, with choppy editing and over the top music. When he enters the women all gather around and Diddy welcomes them to Miami. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s one of his homes Ã¢â‚¬Å“where I come to train and get ready for tours and different performances.Ã¢â‚¬? Yeah, I can see how that amazing turn hosting the MTV Movie Awards could take months of practice to perfect. You think you can just magically act like a pompous ass with mediocre talent? It takes training, people.
Diddy then has them all dance for him, but he adds a new wrinkle. He has already formed in his head the makeup of the group and decided that certain girls that he pairs up he doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t need two of. So he has them dance in paired groups to see if one can cancel out the other one, possibly eliminating the other.
“That made us think ‘oh shoot, this is really a competition,’” was one of the girls’ reaction to this shocking revelation. This is of course one of the most annoying lines in reality TV history. It happens virtually without fail that halfway through any reality series someone will say Ã¢â‚¬Å“it finally dawned on us that this is a competition.Ã¢â‚¬? Just once I want someone to never realize this, and get all confused when they are voted out/cut/fired.
As the girls are all trotted out to dance, Diddy gets all fired up. “White girls can dance now and got asses?Ã¢â‚¬? he says in his oh so politically correct way. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m thankful there were no Asians on the show this season or he very well might be throwing out a few Ã¢â‚¬Å“So SollyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s!Ã¢â‚¬? by now.
When Aundrea finally gets up to dance Diddy notices right away that sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s having a problem. Ã¢â‚¬Å“You lost your swagger or something?Ã¢â‚¬? he asks. In order for Diddy to psych her up he starts a little improv. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Is Aundrea here? Is she here?Ã¢â‚¬? he says, staring at her the entire time. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Have her come out.Ã¢â‚¬? When even this fails to whip her into shape, he does the unthinkable. He has Aubrey come out and dance against her. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Send her home right now,Ã¢â‚¬? and we all know she can, cuz Aubrey is one of the few locks in this whole competition. The battle is on, and instead of declaring a winner, Diddy just gets up and walks out. Ã¢â‚¬Å“If I had to make a cut it would be so easy. So clear,Ã¢â‚¬? he says. Then make one. This show canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t go on forever. Get all Trump on their ass.
The next day, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s finally time to make some cuts. Diddy brings them out in their groups and has them all dance for him. He then tells everyone that he is going to start naming names, and whoever he calls is safe and should move to the left. After naming most of the girls it gets narrowed down to two, Dominique, the short chubby girl, and Aundrea. The final name he chooses is….Dominique. It looks like Aundrea is gong home. But if you believe that dear reader, you obviously haven’t read my previous warnings about Diddy and his zigging and zagging. He then calls out Aundrea’s name too! No one’s going home! Sonofabitch how long will this damn show drag on! Aundrea crumples into a heap on the floor, with her gigantic helmet of hair enveloping her like a cloud and all the other girls gather round and we get a big group hug. This as just a warning, Diddy says. He WILL be cutting people in the coming days, so be prepared. Well I for one am very prepared. I expect a huge cut next week, or I may suffer from Diddy fatigue.