Screeching for Dollars

Making the Band

By EdHIll | Monday, October 17, 2005 | 6:26 pm | 42 Comments

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We’re already one episode into the season on Making the Band 3 (or season two, or cycle two, or version 2.0 or something) and Diddy is fired up. This will not be a failure like last season, dammit. He WILL make a mediocre band that will have one lackluster album and then disappear. Now that Diddy has narrowed down his list of singers to twenty, it’s time for us to really get the show started. And that means cutting some people. But not until after we make them do stupid stuff. To quote our president: “Bring. It. On.â€?

Now before we start I’d just like to point out that Microsoft Word’s spell-check is funnier than me when it comes to goofing on these girls’ weird names. Denosh comes out as Danish, Taquita is Tequila and Tokiko is Toking. But before you laugh too much I’d also like to point out I was 1200 words deep into a much funnier recap and then Word lost it. So what you’re reading now is a pale imitation of that brilliant first draft. Damn you, Microsoft. Damn you to hell. As the show opens it’s morning in the Making the Band loft and the place is full of girls in their underwear. Now I suppose I could make a joke right now about how it’s just like my apartment every Saturday morning, but that would be disrespectful to all the woman I sleep with so I won’t go there. Diddy appears and he says he is very happy, which is represented by the graphics department of MTV by having bright shiny purple sparkle effects around his head. If only life was like that. It makes me wonder, if I punched Diddy in the face would he have a bunch of cartoon birds circling his head? I hope to one day test this theory. Diddy tells us that he thinks he has some talent to work with and believes he can finally create a band. Who knows, maybe they will even be better than the New Monkees. And we all know how tough it is to fill those shoes.

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The Magical World of Diddy©

After the girls are dressed and ready they all head down to Smash Studios where Johnny Wright is explaining their first assignment. They are going to be given three songs and split into groups. They must then learn the songs and go sing them a capella in Times Square. The songs they are given are “Who’s Loving You,” ” Where Did Our Love Go?” and “Lady Marmalade.” After the girls are split into five groups of four, they start practicing. What happens next almost shatters my eardrums.

One group consisting of Denosh, Aubrey, Melissa and Taquita are doing their first run throughs. Aubrey, who survived from season one, is “singing” “Lady Marmalade,” and I put singing in quotation marks on purpose because I’m not sure that what was coming out of her mouth can really fall into that category. Remember the noise that that big alien spaceship made in Star Trek 4? You know, the one where we found out whales are really space aliens. She sounds like that, only her noises won’t cause the whales to destroy Earth. At least I don’t think so. Now I really don’t like the song “Lady Marmalade,” so imagine what it was like having to listen to it 15 times all in the span of twenty minutes, each one worse than the last. After she butchers it for a few seconds, which felt like an eternity, Doc cuts her off, and even her cutesy finger to the mouth “Did I do somefing wong?” move doesn’t help her this time. “You need to work on that, because I’m not comfortable with it.” Comfortable is an overstatement. I’m sticking tissues in my ears to collect all the blood.

Over in the other group with Shannon, Malika, Kaui and Dominique (how much trouble you think some of these girls have getting personalized coffee mugs at the mall?), things aren’t going well either. Malika is also stinking up the joint, and Doc is calling her out. “You’re killing us,” he says. Malika’s defense is that she’s used to performing on her own and not in a group. Which makes me wonder, didn’t this come up at all last season? I mean the whole point of the show is to develop a singing group. She survived as a finalist from the first season not knowing how to sing in a group? That’s like showing up for The Amazing Race and not knowing how to read a map, or being in the Big Brother house and not knowing how to stab Kayser in the back.

Over in the group with Chelsea, we see that she has decided to wear the John Lennon New York City t-shirt, since she felt that the I “Heartâ€? New York shirt just didn’t scream tourist loud enough. Her two main goals today are to be able to get the harmony right on “Who’s Loving You” and make sure she picks up one of those awesome Statue of Liberty snow globes in Times Square.

Later on some of the girls go out onto the street to practice, thus inflicting their special brand of pain to the residents of SoHo. Dominique, who’s proving to be the most talented of the group, says that the song itself is not that hard to sing, as long as you have a sense of harmony – which Malika clearly does not have.

In the studio, Denosh has stepped up and become the leader of Aubrey’s group and Aubrey tells us that she isn’t always being “respectful” as a leader, which is girl code for “I think she’s a bitch.” In Denosh’s defense, Aubrey hasn’t exactly been respectful to my inner ear canal either, so you can’t blame her. I sense the groundwork for our first bitchfight have now been firmly planted.

Back in the loft Malika is worried. On the phone with her friend she tells her about how she is having trouble getting the harmony. Malika may not have great harmony in the group, but what she does have is an amazing fashion sense, because she is wearing huge pink sunglasses (it’s night of course), a pink top and earrings that have earrings on them. Maybe she’s confused as to why she’s here. The show is about getting a group of singers, not a group of supervillains capable of taking on the Justice League.

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Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice…

Now that we have spent about three whole minutes this episode on Malika’s inability to harmonize within the group, it’s getting increasingly clearer that she is the one getting booted this week. It’s what I like to call the Survivor rule. If it’s early in the season and they spend an inordinate amount of time on someone in an episode, that means they are going home. It’s the early reality show glut when you’ve got 22 minutes to cover 20 girls.

makingtheband3_04101305.jpgThe next morning Aubrey wakes up and lets us know that she is feeling a little hoarse. Amazingly, she actually managed to sound worse than she did the night before. Think Harvey Fierstein with a hot body. Actually don’t, because I just did and it was disturbing. Her voice problems aren’t helped by the fact that she is downing a huge glass of wine, Axel Rose style (OK, so it’s probably just some herbal tea and honey, but it’s in a wine glass). When she overhears Denosh talking some trash about her, Aubrey brings us our first official girl fight of the season. And it’s somewhat disappointing. Maybe it’s because it is seven in the morning on the first day, but they didn’t even raise their voices. Hopefully things will change soon enough. I mean when you have 20 girls living together under one roof and competing with each other, it’s just a recipe for disaster. Either that or they will all run around in their underwear having tickle fights. So it’s basically a win-win for me.

Once they are off to Times Square Diddy tells us how this is NY, baby, and if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. I think that saying was coined for people who actually make it on Broadway, not singing for a few bucks in Times Square. I mean if we’re going to lower the bar that low, I could “make it� in NY. In fact I think I’m gonna give it a shot this Saturday at around noon, right in front of ESPN Zone. I’ll be the one break dancing for loose change. I learned all my moves from Alfonso Ruberio’s break dancing kit, so you know I can throw down.

Now let me tell you, the competition in Times Square is rough. You’ve got the Singing Cowboy on one end singing country songs in his briefs, and the Black Israelites on the other end screaming about the white Devil. Throw into the mix 20 girls singing bad versions of “Where Did Our Love Go?” and they will barely raise an eyebrow. And that’s pretty much what happens. How funny is it to watch the future members of the next big girl group get ignored by Albanian busboys on their way to work? Pretty damn funny.

Suffice it to say, most of them are pretty horrible. Some highlights include Tiffany improving in between “voulez vous coucher avec moi’s” by singing “we take tips y’all,” and Wanita wearing a rainbow scarf that reminded me of Toucan Sam’s beak. Also, Tiffany was able to extend the “ade” in marmalade to about 12 syllables. Bravo.

Denosh and Aubrey’s group actually don’t make out too bad. “We’re all just trying to get along” says Denosh, which I can guarantee will be proven false in about two more episodes. Malika’s, on the other hand, still suffers from her bad singing, although Malika is convinced she did well.

makingtheband4_02101305.jpgBack in the loft, all the girls are nervous over the first eliminations. Jasmine, using the most-used expression in reality TV history, says you could cut the tension with a knife. That’s kind of like hearing a pitcher say he needs to take things “one game at a time” in his post-game interviews. “We’re figuring, whoever made the least amount of money is going home.” says Chelsea. Ahh Chelsea, you obviously don’t know the mind of Diddy. Finally Johnny comes by with the results of the competition, which is who made the most money. So the girls start counting their money, and as they do I notice that some of the people who dropped money in their boxes left actual pennies. That’s just harsh.

Once they are done adding it up it’s time for the results. The winner is group 5 with $200.98. Now all this money is for charity, so you can imagine the delight the local March of Dimes will feel when they get a call saying Diddy is going to be donating some money, and then the look on their faces when they open an envelope with a check for two hundred bucks. Ah, I’m just kidding, I’m sure Diddy has given tons of money to charity. It was all chronicled in his recent campaign “Donate or Die.”

Regardless of the results Johnny says he is proud of all of them. Then he mentions tomorrow they are going to be seeing “The Diddy,” which just makes me laugh. Although being referred to as “The EdHill” does have a nice ring to it. “I know he ain’t gonna cut me on the first round. Girl deserves a little respect,” says Malika. Dead woman walking. They might as well have a neon sign around her neck that says “CUT”.

Next up the girls are brought before His Holiness the Diddy Llama. “The world’s biggest stage to me is Times Square,” he says. So you can just go suck it Royal Albert Hall. Speaking as someone who has actually spent numerous times walking around Times Square, as opposed to Diddy who just glimpses it for a second while running from the bar to his limo after his bodyguard starts shooting (hey, that is where it happened. Although to be fair, he was acquitted), Times Square is just a loud annoying headache. I did get this sweet velvet painting of Leonardo Dicaprio there once. Oh Leo, you had me at hello…

makingtheband3_05101305.jpg Anyways. We then get treated to “Lady Marmalade” five times in a row. Yeah! Some groups are good, and some are just horrible. And virtually all the outfits look like something out of a schizophrenic hooker’s closet. Once The Diddy hears what he needs to hear he has them all leave so he can make his decision. And Diddy is in a cutting mood. While outside we hear Malika say that doing this again is “too much for one body to handle.” Hey, don’t you dare tell me that when Stephanie is going through her second straight Survivor eating bugs and passing out from hunger!

They bring the girls back and Diddy finally reveals who’s cut. Nicole, Tokiko and Sammy. What!?! No Malika? They wasted all that screen time on her and she wasn’t cut? Well played, Mr. Diddy. Well played. Although I take personal offense at you eliminating Tokiko, easily the funniest name in the entire bunch. This is far from over.

About

42 Comments

  1. 1
    mere2142
    Posted October 17, 2005 at 7:08 pm

    Great recap. I think everyone should put ‘The’ in front of their names. Why should Diddy be the only one?

    I think they employ the 20 minute rule on Top Model also…

  2. 2
    joslyn
    Posted October 17, 2005 at 7:38 pm

    Thanks Ed Hill, that was funny. I hate Malika’s clothes, too. And why must she have the weave with braids at the scalp?!

  3. 3
    Kimmie
    Posted October 17, 2005 at 7:59 pm

    Damn! If the first recap was funnier, I would have woke up my neighbors laughing and we have five acre lots in our subdivision.

  4. 4
    black chick
    Posted October 17, 2005 at 8:04 pm

    the “weave with braids at the scalp” are called microbraids and that’s how they’re supposed to look and Malika rocks em! Go Malika! She’s older than most of the girls but she’s hanging in there. I don’t think she’s getting cut anytime soon. She has a funky, hip sense of style and dresses better than half the girls on the show.

  5. 5
    dez
    Posted October 17, 2005 at 8:50 pm

    I dont leave comments often but I have to say Malika’s cheap weave has got to go.. of all the different hairstyles she could have gottenthat one is just through- the braids themselves look cheap.. I feel bad for her she is older and trying to make it but she is so missing the boat when it comes to her style- whats up with them cut out tops that squish her boobs together- Its like shes thinking the 80s are back- let me find all of my day glo clothes and wear them all at once, and oh wait this dumb ass glasses will finish off my outfit!

  6. 6
    tey
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 6:15 am

    I’m just going to assume that the people commenting negatively on malika’s hair are not black cuz many black females wear microbraids, they are definitely not cheap. it just not a ‘white thing’. again, i’m assuming: the average black female would say her braids look good. now i am tired of the shirts with her boobs out.

  7. 7
    whitegirl
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 6:46 am

    “Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice…”

    HIlarious! Thanks for the great recap EdHill.

  8. 8
    joslyn
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 7:30 am

    Nope, I’m Black and I’m telling you those braids or whatever look wack. They look like they hurt, too! If they are trying to be braids, then why is 90% of the hair not even braided? And then black roots with blond extentions? That’s just wrong on so many levels. If you are currently rocking this look, take a good look at Malika and please believe that it’s not cute. Malika also needs to sleep with a ice pack on her face and kill those bags under eyes. That being said, I don’t care for her look or her attempt at style, but I really like Malika and I like her voice, too. It’s unique, and I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way, either. I’m sad to see her have such a hard time.

  9. 9
    Andy
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 7:54 am

    “And virtually all the outfits look like something out of a schizophrenic hooker’s closet.” These girls look ridiculous.

    LMAO at this recap.

  10. 10
    rebecca
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 8:34 am

    i was wondering what was up with everybody’s close. its like they stole mary kate olsen bag lady look from the mini me dept.

  11. 11
    vtashore
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 9:05 am

    Feeling a little hoarse! You should put a warning label on that link. It caught me off guard and it was milk-spurting-out-of-my-nose funny!

    Great recap.

  12. 12
    Almchi
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 11:15 am

    Loved the pic of feeling a little horse. Laughed out loud in my classroom…thankfully the students are at lunch!!

  13. 13
    KH
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 11:30 am

    Did anyone notice at the end of the theme song in the very beginning of the show, you could sort of tell who is going to make it. Domonique was definitely one of them, she is clearly in the middle of all the girls. I hate how they show that because now you know who’s going to make the band. : (

  14. 14
    hollabackboy
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 11:51 am

    Dominique does have a great voice and I think she will get picked. EdHill, I was kind of hoping though you’d rip that last group (Jasmine, Sammy, whoever else) a new one because they didn’t butcher “Lady Marmalade” they chopped it up in little pieces. I had to put the TV on mute. They definitely need to weed out some of those girls, stat!I also thought it was so funny how that one girl Tiffany stretched out the last note of Lady Marmalade to about 10 seconds by saying “ade” over and over.

  15. 15
    Danielle
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 5:18 pm

    I have to agree about the outfits. The girl Nicole who was eliminated was definitely wearing a bikini top. And I have no idea what was going on with her denim skirt with the multiple layers of lash ruffles…wow

  16. 16
    u sure?
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 10:19 pm

    joslyn: are you sure you’re black? what black person says ‘wack’? lol.

  17. 17
    joslyn
    Posted October 19, 2005 at 4:42 am

    U-Sure:
    I guess I still do. What can I say, I’m old school. My people coined the word, so why wouldn’t I use it? You question my blackness based upon my vocab and the fact that I hate ugly weave? How…LAME. How’s that USure? What do you think about LAME? Does that work for you?
    Anyway, gaging someone’s blackness based soley upon use of semantics went out in the mid-80′s- along with Malika’s wardrobe. Who does that anymore?

  18. 18
    u sure
    Posted October 19, 2005 at 5:57 am

    joslyn: u can have back your black card, u have redeemed yourself with the use of the word LAME. good job! but the weave isn’t ugly, maybe its not ‘tight’ where you reside.

  19. 19
    bev
    Posted October 19, 2005 at 8:54 am

    on ebay.com
    copy and paste into search

    3 poker centerpiece decoration
    6 poker confetti bags

  20. 20
    swimbikerun
    Posted October 19, 2005 at 9:37 am

    (Mouth full of water) + (Hall of Justice pic) = EdHill owes me a new keyboard.

  21. 21
    Mari
    Posted October 19, 2005 at 11:43 am

    4 all of u hatin on Malika’s braids ya’ll obviously don’t know sh*t about micro’s. 4 1 they cost about $200 or more 2 put in and their braided as far down as your hair goes. As a black woman i feel very offended by those who are clownin her.

  22. 22
    Mari
    Posted October 19, 2005 at 11:45 am

    ALSO THAT GIRL TIFFANY IS HELLA ANNOYING. SHE WAS DOIN TOO MUCH. SHE MADE A ASS OUT OF HERSELF . SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS IMPRESSING EVERYBODY WITH HER VOICE BUT ALL SHE DID WAS GIVE ME A GOOD LAUGH.

  23. 23
    usnrnpage
    Posted October 19, 2005 at 3:17 pm

    GREAT RECAP!
    This is my first time viewing Making The Band.
    But it might have to be my new guilty pleasure.

    The three girls who came into the house, all up in everyones faces…feeling as if they are so much more special than everyone.
    Hilarious to watch, as their voices , talent is no comparison to the new contestants.

    I am watching just to see how far they go. Laughing and pointing at their humilitation, once their lack of talent is realized.
    GO DIDDY…

  24. 24
    Don't Eat Me
    Posted October 20, 2005 at 7:04 pm

    Do you guys think Malika will make it? She is cool but she seems to be struggling. In the first episode they showed 6 girls on stage, anyone freeze the image and find out who won?

  25. 25
    Don't Eat Me
    Posted October 20, 2005 at 7:25 pm

    *Sob* NOOOO! I am not watching anymore. She was my favorite.

  26. 26
    La_Land
    Posted October 20, 2005 at 10:40 pm

    I agree- Malika has definite eye baggage but her braids weren’t a problem. In fact, I think that she looks better this season compared to last season. She was really struggling to keep up with the other girls though so I am not surprised that diddy gave her the boot. The JLO wannabe should get the axe next. She looks like an amazon and she talks hella mess with nothing to back it up. Jasmine too, with her “simmer simmer” and “mad respect.”

  27. 27
    Sexyndenim
    Posted October 21, 2005 at 7:01 pm

    Malika was my girl, because she was real. The woman can rap! I searched the web and found some samples of her music, she has been in the game since the early 90′s. Her voice reminded me of T-Boz from TLC. She is too mature for some fluffed pop music group with little girls, who probably won’t write there own songs, or make up there own dance routines, there going to be totally made over and manufactured, like charmen toilet paper. I wanted her to make it because she had the heart. Most people in the industry don’t have the love and heart for real music, because they are commerical. To everyone who hated on her, that’s why her ass was on T.V and she gave you bagos something to watch. While she didn’t make it on Making the Band she’ll make it elsewhere!, you fems will make it too, OOOps Im sorry will be making: the donuts,babies,tost,the bus in other words not doing shit but sitting on your broke asses watching other people on T.V trying to make something of themselves. As far as her braids, her $200 look verses yours a $5.95 boxed perm hair kit, with a cellulite giggle booty Hmmmmmm, because you know that’s you.

  28. 28
    Danielle Mathis
    Posted October 23, 2005 at 2:12 pm

    I love the show but I hate that her cut malika. She was my favorite.

  29. 29
    DRE
    Posted October 23, 2005 at 6:48 pm

    Malika is so F*king HOT!!!!!!!

  30. 30
    Don't Eat Me
    Posted October 25, 2005 at 8:55 pm

    They made a mistake getting rid of her. I would have probably bought their CD if Malika was in it, and maybe the two other girls from the first season. Mainly because we already know them and the new girls have no personality. Malika actually made me laugh, and the others have good personalities too. Thumbs Down for the band right now. Maybe they will bring Malika back.

  31. 31
    Michelle
    Posted October 27, 2005 at 5:36 pm

    What is the name of that song that the girls were dancing off of and who is it by. The song that they were dancing off of after that got finish running 6 miles. Does anyone know?

  32. 32
    shanell
    Posted October 27, 2005 at 7:52 pm

    I HATE CHELSEA >> IM GLAD SHE WAS CUT … SHE TALK TOO MUCH BULLSHIT… I LOVE TIFFANY BUT DIDDY SHUD OF KNOWN THAT TIFFANY TOO SKINNY AND THAT SHES FRAGILE … I LOVE DOMINIQUE!! HOPE SHE WINS!!!

  33. 33
    Aubrey My Girl
    Posted October 27, 2005 at 7:54 pm

    Aubrey is my girl she is the bomb shes fuckin hot I LOVE HER.Shes my fave and alot of oter pppls 2

  34. 34
    sarah
    Posted October 29, 2005 at 7:20 am

    does any one know the lyrics to the theme song of making the band? i know it is called oh la la and the artist is cheri dennis but ery time i look for the lyrics nothin fa real come up so if any of yu kno could yu post it thanks

  35. 35
    sarah
    Posted October 29, 2005 at 7:21 am

    does any one know the lyrics to the theme song of making the band? i know it is called oh la la and the artist is cheri dennis but ery time i look for the lyrics nothin fa real come up so if any of yu kno could yu post it thanks

  36. 36
    Aubrey My Girl
    Posted November 2, 2005 at 5:03 pm

    i love aubrey if u do 2 go to my website http://www.aubreyweb.tk leave a comment to bye

  37. 37
    l
    Posted November 4, 2005 at 8:32 am

    get a LIFE!!!

  38. 38
    sania
    Posted November 4, 2005 at 3:13 pm

    heyy diddy and all of uses
    i love this show its the best and i learned some dance moves too so holler back at me rite away and all u ppl tryin to make the band u no what hard work will take u places and no work will take u anywhere so good luck and remember have some fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  39. 39
    sania
    Posted November 4, 2005 at 3:15 pm

    heyy diddy and all of uses
    i love this show its the best and i learned some dance moves too so holler back at me rite away and all u ppl tryin to make the band u no what hard work will take u places and no work will take u anywhere so good luck and remember have some fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my faviorte girls in the band are aubry deffintley and andrea

  40. 40
    Amby
    Posted November 5, 2005 at 12:27 am

    I LOVE AUBREY TOO! AND DREA!, So manY pple are hatin’ on aubrey though, they seriously need to stop …but their just jealous and they can say whateva they want cause if you know aubrey, you would know that she could care less so ur just waisting ya time “SORRY”! AND AUBREY can sing she sounds just like christina aguilera and can dance HER BUTT OFF!!! kEep gOin gUrli!! i definately hope DIDDY picks aubrey and drea,i love them and they will make the group HOT!!

  41. 41
    Carolyn
    Posted November 6, 2005 at 11:33 am

    Aubrey is so hot

  42. 42
    so simple
    Posted November 6, 2005 at 6:56 pm

    i went to elementary school with dominique. can’t believe she’s on tv now.. weird…but she’s still awesome!

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