Show Stoppin’!

Oh great sadness! This season of Making the Band 3 has come to an end. How will we ever survive without the weekly snippets of studio life? Whither the recording booth drama? Whither the errant mice? Whither the all powerful BOOM CAT? Yes, such is life after MTB — when a Diddy-less Thursday leaves an empty void that touches the very depth of your soul. Somehow, my friends, I will persevere. I don’t know how, but I will. Maybe if I buy the Danity Kane CD when it hits stores on August 22nd, I will be able to resume my normal lifestyle, enjoying the smooth sounds of Scott Storch and the Funky Bunch. Until then, I’ll just have to watch this final episode over and over again. It wasn’t so much of a season finale as it was just a giant promotional concert. To be honest, there’s not much to recap. Just lots of singing and cheering audiences. Oh, but there was rain, and if there’s anything I’ve learned about living in Los Angeles, no form of precipitation is too small to be the centerpiece of a massive drama. So with the Danity Kane spirit embedded deep in my heart, I say join me, dear readers, as we re-live this most glorious of Making the Band episodes.The big season finale began with the girls rehearsing for their upcoming finale performance. This was a very exciting time for them because it was to be the first live show as Danity Kane. And yes, a week later and the name still sounds ridiculous. Anyway, this show wasn’t going to be just any old Danity Kane rush job. No, there would be time and effort put into this bad boy. Oh, and boys too. Yes, as D. Woods was oh so glad to mention, a gaggle of buff backup dancers were now on hand to help boost the Writhing Factor from a questionable 8 to a solid 9.5. Let no body part go without undulation!

Perhaps most delighted about this addition was Aubrey, who noted, “Basically, the boys are throwing us around and touching us a lot.” This was followed by a naughty, excited giggle. But for real, yo. She wants to be known as a serious artiste.

Meanwhile, a horny and freshly single Aundrea fantasized that one of the black dancers was gonna be her lover. Laurie Ann asked why the black guys were always the lovers and not the husbands, but that’s like asking, “Why is it Boom Cat and not Cat Boom?” Some things we just will never know…

Later, the girls sang for their vocal coach Betty Wright who seemed to like the performance, but then again, maybe not. She told the girls to loosen up, stop being so stiff, and to demonstrate this she grabbed a microphone and seemed to engage in some sort of foreplay with it. Before things could get too serious between the fledgling lovers, the girls all giggled, causing Betty to say, “I wasn’t always 52, baby!” Yeah, she used to be 51, and what a tramp she was then!

Well, the girls eventually headed out to a park under the Brooklyn Bridge where they were to have their first concert. “Whoo! Bask in it!” Laurie Ann said, a thousand boom cats of awe overwhelming their senses.

“Great day for a show. Let’s go!” D. Woods then told us, clearly not seeing those ominous storm clouds hanging over the city. Sure enough, the wind started to pick up, causing Aubrey to say, “It was a little breezy.” And no, she didn’t mean that in a lighthearted, easy-breezy-Covergirl sort of way. She meant that there was a damn storm of the century heading their way.

“I felt like there was a tornado coming,” Dawn said. “I thought my weave was gonna come out.” I hate when that happens!

Sure enough, a violent storm rolled into town, and everyone had to get thee to a trailer. Once in a secure, dry environment, Laurie Ann commented, “Well guys, this is truly an unexpected thing. I didn’t know it was going to do this.” You didn’t? You mean you don’t have a direct pipeline into Mother Nature’s every whim? I’M SHOCKED!

While Laurie Ann mused over how astounding it was that she had not been personally alerted to this latest meteorological development, the camera crews outside ran for cover as if molten lava were descending on them. MUST GET TO SHELTER! THE WATER BURNS! And just when things couldn’t get any worse, we then found out that the sound board, lighting board and props had been ruined by the rain. Seriously — how did the techies not anticipate this? There were clouds — even a strong breeze! It’s called get a damn garbage bag and cover the electronics! Now, as a result of this lethal rain, the show was off! Dunh dunh DUNH!!!

We then went to commercial break, wondering if ever the sun might shine on New York City again, and sure enough, the next day, Mother Nature showed mercy and sent those pesky storm clouds away. Now it was all sunshine all the time. “This is a good day. This is a GOOD day!” Aubrey told us. Just how good of a day was it? Well, the concert was back on; so that was good. And crowds of people showed up; so that was good too. Oh, and Diddy arrived backstage with gift bags, and you just knew that HAD to be good. Everything was just… good!

Anyway, the Didd-meister gathered the girls all around and actually said some very sweet things. He said that the other day, when he had seen them working their hearts out at rehearsal, he felt like a proud parent. “My little babies are up there doin’ they thing!” he said. Aw. Misty eyes. He then made special note of his friendliness by saying, “Look, Diddy’s smilin’!” So are we, Diddy. So are we. Somebody pass the tissues. This is more emotional than The Joy Luck Club.

Don’t worry. Diddy plans to quit toothpicks cold turkey.

Well, this speech was nice and everything, but let’s not forget those gift bags — those distinctly little, blue gift bags. Yes, the smell of Tiffany & Co. was fresh in everyone’s nostrils, and sure enough, Diddy done got everyone diamond-studded crosses! Wow. Let’s just hope all these girls were lining up to see The Passion of the Christ and not the Woody Allen film marathon, if you catch my drift. Oh, and because Diddy’s such a generous guy, he gave one more cross to the unofficial sixth member of the group: Laurie Ann! Oh BOOM CAT!!!

Then it was time for the concert. The girls all primped backstage, getting their hair all curled and ready. There was lots of talk about being excited, and then the ladies slipped into their Danity Kane costumes and headed out to the stage. With the lights up and the smoke blowing, D. Woods commented, “No turning back now!” Well, technically, she could turn back, but it would just be very awkward.

We then looked at the crowd, which was cheering in anticipation of the big show. One guy in particular was quite excited, and he had the pit stain to prove it. Finally, it was time for the girls to take the stage… but first Diddy had to address the crowd. He yammered on about how the girls had come so far and all that stuff, and at one point, we could really get a sense of the crowd. It looked like maybe there were a thousand people there. Perhaps 1500. Not bad, but certainly no Webley Stadium.

Once Diddy finished his intro, the backup dancers pulled back some large fans (as in the type that people hold in their hands) and revealed the lovely ladies of Danity Kane. Whoohoo! Immediately, the girls began singing that “Give Me One Shot” song from the opening credits, and what was most impressive about this performance was how Aundrea managed to dance around even with her hot pants riding up so high they were surely approaching her fallopian tubes.

Yay vaginal wedgie!

Anyway, the girls sang… and sang… and sang. This was definitely not an edited performance. We pretty much heard the entire song. What the hey? Are you trying to inculcate your music into the our heads in your desperate attempt to drive record sales? Well, it’s not going to work, I tell you! Not going to work at all!

(humming to myself: “Just gimme one shot. Ohhh aahhh ohhh ohh.”)

The song finally ended, and just when I was ready for the drama to resume, D. Woods suddenly told us in a voiceover, “Coming up, more of our concert! And a final word from Diddy!” Great. I’ll just assume that “final word” is Diddy saying “Buy the album!” (as I later learned, I was not very far from the truth).

When we came back from the break, the girls all introduced themselves, and oddly, when Aundrea introduced herself, Aubrey patted her and said, “Little Muff!” Or at least that’s what I think she said. Either way, something did not sound right, and I’m not sure Aundrea appreciated the commentary about her muff size! I really hoped the girls would then start clawing and pulling their hair out, but alas, they merely babbled on about how their name was Danity Kane. Conveniently, one person in the crowd had a sign that said “DK.” I didn’t realize that Donna Karan had fans in the audience, but hey, you just never know sometimes.

The girls then began singing another song, which I already forget. It wasn’t very good at all. Quite generic. My feeling is this: we already have the Pussycat Dolls. I don’t think we need another girl band. Forty-five minutes later, the song ended, and I was hoping, praying that we’d get another one, and sure enough, Dawn told the crowd that since they’d been so great, “we’re going to do something exclusive for you guys. From our album.” Uh, that’s not very exclusive at all. That’s like me saying, “I’m going to make you my special dish: Kraft Mac & Cheese!”

Nevertheless, the girls started up a smooth, breathy Timbaland song that was so overwrought with moans and sighs that I couldn’t help but laugh. Truthfully, I liked the song’s arrangement, but the vocals were just too much. Not a good choice for a girl band. Would have been better with a solo artist. And I say this because I clearly am a musical genius.

When this song ended (and I’m pretty sure it was edited down for the show), we then moved onto that annoying “We in the car” ditty, or as it’s formally known, “Show Stoppin’”. I know this is the first single for Danity Kane, but seriously, could the song be any more boring. I guess it’s catchy, and chances are that three weeks from now I’ll be changing my tune (rimshot!), but it’s just so… blah. Kind of like that dumb Casey song. Anyway, the song finally came to an end with a giant blast of fog that provided an unnecessarily intense exclamation point to what was a rather lackadaisical tune. Kind of random.

D. Woods then hopped on the mic and promised, “You going to see a lot more of us, so get used it!” Oh, we will! We will!

And now, time for Diddy’s final words: buy the CD! It drops August 22nd! Yay!

And with that, the season came to a close. Kind of a boring note to end off on, but then again, this latest cycle wasn’t the height of excitement. What did you think about the show? What did you think about the season? Do these girls have a shot at making it big?