Making the Band: The Band is BACK: But Did You Go Platinum?

Hi everyone! I’m MandaMo, and I’ll be your new recapper for MTV’s Making the Band. Before I start, I just want to take a moment to apologize in advance to anyone who might be related to me because my recaps will most likely not be Christian in nature, if you know what I mean.

When I found out that I’d be recapping MTB this season, I was absolutely ecstatic. Partly because I’ve been watching this show ever since O-Town was having liquid dreams on ABC. But mostly because I have this creepy, unsafe, stalkery obsession with Diddy. And I’m not just saying that to try to be funny. When I went to New York City last Spring, I did not go to the Statue of Liberty. I did not go to the Empire State Building. And I didn’t even see a Broadway show. Instead, I took time to see the ONE. The ONLY. Bad Boy Entertainment.

The best attraction in New Yawk

So now that you’ve seen one of my vacation photos, and you understand where I come from, let’s make the band!We open Season Four in New York City where King Diddy is awaiting us. And maybe I’m crazy, but I’m pretty sure this show has been on the air since 1999, so I really have no idea how we’re only in season four. But I guess that in Diddyland, Diddy makes up the rules, and if Diddy says it’s season four, then season four it is.

The Man himself welcomes us back and reminds us that the last time we saw him was when he chose his new boy band in season…four. The new members are Robert, Willie, Quanell, Brian and Big Mike. He also selected a scrubby white boy named Donnie to sign a deal with his label as a solo artist. He tells us that this season, we’ll be following the guys making their album, but there’s just one little surprise.

The girls are back.

But neither of the groups or Donnie know that each other is in town to work. It’s a big Diddy prank!

In case you didn’t know, Danity Kane’s last album went platinum. And after watching this episode, you will never, ever forget that because the entire show is peppered with tiny reminders. Did I mention that their record when platinum? Because their record went platinum. That’s right, platinum. (p.s. Their record went platinum.)

Did you know that our record went PLATINUM?

And with that introduction, Diddy giddily disappears into a puff daddy of smoke, and we are magically floating across a very sparkly NYC. The theme song plays as portraits of the shows’ characters spin around in large gold frames. It’s rather enchanting, actually. Computer animation has seen no finer day!

After the credits, we find ourselves in the airport as the boys are reunited in the Big Apple. They are back. And they are ready. Meanwhile, Donnie – being the solo artist and all – is walking solo down the street and being stopped left and right by adoring fans. I guess I don’t really see the appeal of Donnie. He seems nice enough. But he also seems like he might be slightly brain damaged. His attic is lit by a very dim bulb, if you know what I’m saying. And his hair looks like a big, thick Brillo pad. You would think that with padding that thick, you can never sustain a brain injury, but he’s quickly proving me wrong. The Brillo vs. Brain Damage score is not turning out in his favor.

Brain Damage, maybe. But at least I’m HOT.

The boys are staying at a lovely place called “Flatotel,” which I assume is the clever bonding of the words “flat” and “hotel.” Those New Yorkers always love the puns! They have an enormous room with a gorgeous view, and I have to say that I’m a little disappointed. I was really hoping that Diddy would put them up in strange, sterile barracks like he did with the girls in season three. The boys hear the door buzz, and it is the Brillo! He’s come to scrub their dishes!

The boys have no idea what’s in store for them in New York. But Robert says that they just want to make it bigger than Danity Kane.

Just then, we leave the boys flatotel, and there are the girls pulling up in their limo. They’re baaaaaaaack! Aubrey is as orange as ever. Aundrea’s dimples have gotten even deeper. D. Woods has some strange asymmetrical haircut that looks like she was trapped in a room with Britney Spears and a butcher knife. Shannon has red hair now that I think I can pretty confidently say was from a box. (Say, “Glintz!” circa 1994.) And Dawn is as boodilicious as ever.

Britney took m’hair!

What have the girls been up to, you wonder? Well their album went platinum. They spent the last year making a platinum album. And they have plaques in their room with their platinum album on it. Platinum! As goofy as they are, I have a soft place in my heart for every single one of them. I feel like mama’s watchin’ her girls grow up.

They set up shop in their hotel and Dawn, Aundrea and Shannon talk about the pressures that await their sophomore effort. Dawn says that second albums allow artists to “legitimize themselves in the industry.” (RE: Not become one hit wonders.) With that, they head out across town to Bad Boy Entertainment.

Next we find Diddy in his gigantor office where he is talking to his “Dream Team.” These must be new members because I don’t see Doc Music or Boom Kat anywhere. He tells his Dream Team that he wants to “flood the market.” Basically, he wants to sell “Making the Band” as one big package, inundating everyone in America, overexposing his brand and making everyone at home halfway suicidal. I hope he completes this journey with Danity Kane action figures, Quanell sleeping bags and big “I love Brillo” buttons. Then he will have officially completed the marketing trifecta previously created by that other little band called New Kids On the Block.

The boys wait patiently outside of Diddy’s office, wondering what is taking him so long. Just when they start to have flashbacks of cheesecake runs to Brooklyn, we hear the sound of an elevator. Much to their surprise, out walks the ladies of Danity Kane. The boys totally panic. Big Mike says he assumes they are there “to get some healthy conversation.” Brillo tells us that his game plan is just to “sit there and look smooooooth.” (Brain Damage: 1, Brillo: 0)

In their testimonials, the boys try to decide which girl is the hottest. And they decide that the official answer is ALL OF THEM! Ok, odds are that I’m not psychic, but something tells me that there are hook-ups in their futures.

The groups mingle a bit, and I see no evidence of this “healthy conversation” that Big Mike spoke of awhile ago. It reminds me more of an awkward junior high dance but with even more nightmare mixed in. Because at this dance, we are 20 and still don’t know how to act. Aubrey keeps throwing out weird conversation starters like “So do you guys get all the honeys now?” but she is largely being ignored.

Brillo explains that they are all just terrified of saying the wrong things, and then gives us an example: “Oh the weather sure is nic–YOU GUYS ARE HOT!” (Brain Damage: 2, Brillo: 0)

Aubrey – in all her orange glory – keeps petting her long mane of hair just like Taylor from “Newport Harbor.” Her Orangeness can’t even stop petting herself long enough to flirt with Brillo. Which she does. A lot. And while I’m on the subject: This season’s Aubrey is very different from last season’s. The Aubrey we know and love was wraught with insecurity, crying in a parking lot about how no one thinks she is more than just a pretty face. This season’s Aubrey is possibly the cockiest person I’ve ever seen. Petting her hair like an evil scientist. And grinning at the boys like she knows she’s the prize. She makes me a bit uncomfortable. But I’ll try to adjust.

Finally the time has come and the boys are up first. They enter the dragon’s lair, hoping not to get scorched by his fiery, cheesecake-eating breath. He instantly makes them take off their hats, which I believe is in effort to try to establish his power over them. He must own the “Dictator’s Guide to Boy Band Takeover.” Luckily for the boys, the power play ends here as Diddy tells them that their only assignment is to have fun and spend the weekend getting to know each other. Something tells me that this does not mean that they will be engaging in trust falls and campfire leadership workshops, but I guess we’ll see.

The whole time that the boys are in Diddy’s office, Brillo is fending for himself out there in the waiting area. Aubrey is petting herself and sizing him up while he stirs around uncomfortably in his chair. Here we find out that the Brillo has a pretty jealous girlfriend back home, and I imagine this is setting the stage for some pretty healthy drama down the “MTB” road. Aubrey chimes in saying that his girlfriend is probably just immature. It’s funny because Aubrey does this weird, fierce lunge thing at Brillo, and he has a startled reaction. She looks like a caged tiger lunging after her meat! It’s so weird! But then she says to the testimonial camera that Miss Orange Face is harboring quite the secret crush on a one Mr. Brillo Pad. Tres interesting… Fortunately for Brillo, he is saved by Diddy’s summons.

I believe that Brillo is on the dinner menu tonight

The conversation between Diddy and Brillo was so minimal and pointless that I can’t remember it at all. Or maybe I was just two slap happy about what came next! The girls come in and blah blah blah. They talk about how they are “ready” and want to be “better.” And they are “ready” and “better.” Blah blah. Diddy seems satisfied with their commitment to “ready” and “better” and dismisses them from the room. However, he asks that Aubrey stay behind.

Diddy tells Aubrey that he fears she might be holding the group back, and he doesn’t want anyone to f*** up his money. “If you decide to turn your eyes green or you decide to get a weave, you got to get that approved.” Diddy tells Aubrey that he is concerned by all the bad press she’s been getting, which Aubrey quickly rebuts saying that she’s just herself and the press embellishes what they want. She explains that the United Nations has selected her as a youth advisor and she has two charities. Wait. Back up. Aubrey works for the U.N.?!!? I suddenly fear for the welfare of our world.

Anyway, Aubrey says that she can’t control when the paparazzi publishes pictures of her cleavage with captions that say, “Who Has the Prettier Boobs.” I don’t think it’s the boobs that Diddy’s worried about, Orangina. I think he’s probably worried about this. You know, just a hunch!

Travis Barker said what?

Diddy says that he holds Aubrey to a higher standard than the rest of the girls and that she needs to step up and be a leader. Someone else can fill the role of “problem child.” Aubrey says that she understands and will make an effort.

The next scene opens with a black, stretch Escalade picking up the boys to take them out on the town. Robert tells us that he’s been in a limo before, but he’s never been in a limo “this long.” Is he talking about the Escalade or is he talking about Aubrey?

The ladies are getting ready at Flatotel, and Dawn wants to know if she’s “giving too much back here.” “Yes,” says Aundrea. “Maybe you should wear your smaller butt out tonight.” Ok, just kidding, but honestly. You can’t exactly change butt sizes, soo…?

No, you should wear your other butt

Apparently Aubrey took Diddy’s “problem child” speech seriously because she is doing shots of vodka by herself.

After they all take a round of shots with Aubrey, the girls go downstairs where the guys are waiting. Brillo wonders which one he’s going to talk to. Talk, Brillo? Really? I’ve seen no evidence of these interesting “talk” abilities that you speak of. And apparently the evidence is still yet to come because they all sit in silence in the limo. (Brain Damage: 3, Brillo: 0)

Aundrea says she can practically hear weird elevator music in the background. The editors actually lay elevator music over the scene, which is a pretty hilarious touch, so props on that one.

The girls are so bored that they all result to playing “Minesweeper” on their cell phones when Brillo quips, “You guys should change your name to ‘Danity Phones.’” Ok. I get it. This must be why he never talks. (Brain Damage: 4, Brillo: 0)

The first thing they do when they arrive at the club is take a shot, led, of course, by Aubrey. Not a fast learner, that one. Mike tells us that he’s not taking a shot because “I know what this does to you.” Apparently, alcohol makes you think that Brillo is hot. Maybe Mike is onto something here. I wouldn’t drink anymore either if it made me want to dance with a Brillo pad. The last thing I need is a little frosted hair, bad joke-cracking baby running around.

Problem child?! Whatever do you mean?!

Alcohol provides a bit of social lubricant and the boys finally relax and succumb to having a good time. Instantly, we see three pairings break off: Aubrey and Brillo, Dawn and Q, and D. Woods and Robert. The DJ at the club plays the boys’ song and Aubrey dances all over Brillo and then moves on to Mike. But Brillo has apparently already peed on her and staked his territory. Does Aubrey really like this guy? Or does she just want to use his hair to varnish furniture later?

Find your own piece! I already peed on that one!

The DJ then plays Danity Kane’s “Show Stoppin’” and they all leave. Yeah, that song usually does manage to clear a room.

In the limo, Aubrey reminds the boys who they are riding with. “Motherf***in’ Danity Kane!” And then she almost falls out of the limo. I’m not even making that up. The “Problem Child” must not have drank at all tonight. Yay for following Diddy’s directions. Up in the Flatotel, the three pairs are still going strong. Q and Dawn are actually pretty cute sitting on the couch; He is finding any excuse he can to touch her, and it’s endearing. But a potato chip-eating Aubrey ruins the cuteness by bumbling over and saying, “Q, dooo syooooo slike Daaawwn? Dooo syouwanna smarry Dawwwn and haveee her baybeessss?” Dawn looks embarrassed. And then Aubrey reminds us for the millionth time that they have a platinum album.

Did somebody say PLATINUM?!

Willie comments that he doesn’t know what’s going to happen with Aubrey and Donnie because Aubrey is so much wilder. The whole situation makes Aundrea and her dimples completely speechless.

The next day, DK and the boys go to Diddy’s studio to work on their albums. And I don’t know if anyone caught it but me, but Aubrey definitely said, “We’re back at DADDY’S house.” Hmm…Casual slip of the tongue or some type of incestual fantasy? As they wait in the studio, Big Mike tells the camera that he was nervous to meet the girls because he didn’t know what to expect. But now he’s realized that their just…girls. Well, girls plus one very orange Oompa Loompa (Aubrey, seriously, stop with the spray tan.)

Then Diddy walks in. Soundtrack pumpin’. Camera goin’ slo’ mo’. He’s got it goin’ on in his Marty McFly goose down vest. This is where he breaks the news: All three bands will be working on albums at the same time. And they’ll only have five weeks to complete them.

Next, it cuts to the girls practicing in the studio. They have a new song called “Is Anybody Listening.” I think they should change the title to “Is Anybody Listening…Beyond the First Released Single” because last I checked they only really had one big song off their last album. Am I wrong?

Q randomly shows up in the studio. Aundrea tells us that it’s obvious that he is there to see Dawn. Mini fireworks are erupting. He gives Dawn his number. And then the truth comes out: He’s only 19! Dawn says that she would feel like a molester if she did anything with Q, but she can at least enjoy looking at him. I have a feeling that won’t last. Aubrey, by the way, is wearing a strange lace sweatband. Why does she have to make it so easy!?

This is how I represent you at the United Nations!

Later on, Brillo starts his first track in the studio, which is called “I Don’t Care.” He tells us that it’s cheesy. Good selling point! Sign me up! (Brain Damage: 5, Brillo: 0) He talks about the pressures of being solo rather than being in a group. But I imagine that if he could handle drunken, crazy Aubrey, then he should be just fine.

The boy group is also in the studio recording their new song “Co-Star” when Diddy walks in with fur coat, large gold medallion and all. Under the pressure of Diddy in the room, Chris does the best he can to squeeze out some high notes. The producer seems pleased, but it’s not good enough for Diddy. He says that it sounds like Chris is screaming. And then he turns around and directs his wrath at Big Mike who looks just a little bit too cozy on the couch. “I need to see chipper-ass artists up in this bitch!” Diddy scolds. I think that might officially be one of my all-time favorite lines from reality tv!

Chris tries squeezing out some more high notes, but Diddy just ain’t having it. “It’s like some fake Jodeci shit.” Oh snap! Not only was that brutal but it gave me an instant flashback to my eighth grade dance when “Lately” was chosen as the theme song.

Jodeci? I don’t think I was born yet…

“Make it sound like it’s come from a higher power,” Diddy says. “And now I’m going to run off and remake someone else’s song, turning it into a mediocre version with watered-down rap.” Diddy actually imitates Chris’ high wispy notes and it cracks me up. Niiiice. He explains that it’s like watching an actor who is acting instead of feeling it. He imitates that too. Oh Diddy should be a comedian! I love this! They all nod like they know what he’s talking about, but I imagine that they don’t have a clue.

Trust me, I KNOW about acting! I was on “Behind the Music!”

And with that, the show ends with the boys dubiously sitting in the studio and feeling some serious pressure. The previews for the season look awesome! Looks like we’re going to see some major drama with Aubrey, Brillo and Brillo’s girlfriend. I can’t wait!

So what did you guys think? Did it feel like Aubrey was trying to steal all the thunder from the other girls? Does it look like this season will focus mostly on her and the Brillo? And did you know that Danity Kane scored a platinum album?

Thanks for making it to the end of my very first official recap! I’m sorry it’s late this week – I’m still getting the hang of all the technical stuff. So bear with me, and I promise to get it down pat!

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