I know, I know. This recap is late. The truth is Ã¢â‚¬Å“EdHillÃ¢â‚¬? is actually a team of 6 writers and 3 of them were on vacation last week so we were a little behind in catching up. Yeah thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s right, 6 writers. Hell, Ã¢â‚¬Å“J-UnitÃ¢â‚¬? alone is a committee of 12 writers, 2 of whom are former members of Monty Python. What you think just one man can come up with these side splittingly funny jokes and screenshots? If so IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d like to meet him. He must be the most fantastic man alive.
But enough of that, lets focus on what were all here for. The penultimate episode of Making the Band 3. Diddy is about to make his girl band. Who will it be? Will I get to see large billboards of a scantily clad Dominique? Or maybe Denosh? Just think how big her Adams apple would look like hanging from Times Square. But first things first, as the girls are opening for the Backstreet Boys in front of tens of dozens of 12 year old fans, and we finally see which girls can handle the pressure and which ones will crack. Or their voices at least.
Unfortunately this is the second episode in a row without an appearance by Diddy himself besides the obligatory opening intro. And he is sorely missed. Where are the goofy challenges, the chases in Rickshaws or carrying around the Bichon Frise named Cha Cha? Not only that this is also the second episode in a row where we donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even get to see any eliminations. Nope, this episode is all about their performance in DC.
The show opens with the girls still trying to grapple with the reality of opening for the Backstreet Boys. A dumbstruck, and I emphasize the dumb more than the struck, Wanita says Ã¢â‚¬Å“How much bigger can we get?Ã¢â‚¬? Then realizing it was the Backstreet Boys they were opening for and not U2 (or even Clay Aiken now that I think about it) she then adds in after an uncomfortable pause “Ã¢â‚¬Â¦.of a challengeÃ¢â‚¬?. Nice recovery Wanita.
The two groups Diddy split them up into consists of Aubrey, Denosh, Melissa, Kelly and Jasmine. Group two is Shannon Wanita, Dominique Dawn and Aundrea. Group one decides to name themselves S.H.E.. This was after realizing that K.I.T.T. was already taken and calling themselves FEMA wouldn’t send the right message. Although if you ask me it would’ve been perfect. Whenever I think of Making the Band the first two things that pop into my head are “incompetence” and “natural disaster”. S.H.E. stand for Ã¢â‚¬Å“She Has EverythingÃ¢â‚¬?. Ã¢â‚¬Å“We wanted to come up with something that was feminine, powerful and sexy.Ã¢â‚¬? says Denosh. And what screams sexy more than acronyms? I think every chick who ever worked for GLADD is a hot momma. I don’t even know what that stands for and I think its hot!
No joke, this is Denosh saying the word “feminine”. Some of these jokes write themselves.
The other group was much more creative. They called themselves “Chain 6″. At first I smiled knowingly thinking that they must have named themselves after the 6 DNA chains of Fibrinogen that are covalently linked near their N-terminals through disulfide bonds that is part of the process of blood coagulation. But then I realized not everyone loves DNA jokes as much as I do (But if you do, I have a killer joke about polypeptides).
The girls are all off to the final dress rehearsal for the (kinda) big show. Chain 6 decides to go with an urban 30Ã¢â‚¬â„¢s look. And I was amazed to find out everyone in the 30′s wore sexy Capri pants. I should’ve paid more attention in school. S.H.E. on the other hand went in a whole different direction, choosing as their motif “post apocalyptic world ruled by hot sex starved women who need men to continue the human race”. At least that’s how I interpret five chicks in booty shorts and gold bra’s. Well, 4 Ã‚Â½ if you count Denosh.
And right from the beginning the sexy look of S.H.E. intimidates the other group. And it shows in their rehearsals. S.H.E. rocks their song with Laurie Ann and Doc both impressed. Even DenoshÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s man ass wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t a liability.
Exhibit 5. Man Ass.
When Chain 6 starts Doc cuts them off after the first verse. Ã¢â‚¬Å“You hear the pitch drifting?Ã¢â‚¬? It just goes down hill from there. Dominique isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t coming in at the right time, Taquita is holding her mic too low. They are making all sorts of mistakes. Not a good omen.
With that the girls are off to D.C. The Nissan Pavilion to be exact. Not the most impressive arena IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve ever seen (The TVGasm on Broadway show played in a 15 thousand person arena) but itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s big for them. Taquita, whoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s proving to be the funniest one with her voiceover interviews, says Ã¢â‚¬Å“It seats like ten thousand people or more.Ã¢â‚¬? I have a feeling the Ã¢â‚¬Å“or moreÃ¢â‚¬? wonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t be necessary with the Backstreet Boys. No, that joke never gets old. Why do you ask?
S.H.E. goes through their sound check and we see Andre Harell in the audience rocking back and forth, clearly enjoying their performance. This prompts Aubrey to say Ã¢â‚¬Å“We are the real deal.Ã¢â‚¬? Uh oh. I sense a reality show beat down coming on. Like when Judd talks like heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s the leader of his tribe and then 20 minutes later Probst is snuffing out his flame and heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s calling everyone scumbags.
Group 6 is even more distressed now. Dawn says Ã¢â‚¬Å“They are coming out with fire and we are coming out like timid girls.Ã¢â‚¬? Man, too bad they didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have Dylan in their group because we all know he spits hot fire.
And even though the girls think they did OK, Andre doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t feel the same way. He wants to meet with the girls personally before the show. I hope its as inspiring as the empty Ã¢â‚¬Å“keep reaching for the starsÃ¢â‚¬? type pep talk he gave Dominque a while back, Well, he does us one better. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Give me a shivering leg. Give me a hand movement. Give me something that makes me feel that you got a hot part in the record.Ã¢â‚¬? Umm, excuse me? What the hell does that mean? All I know is I am hoping I get too see 6 girls who spend the entire time onstage shivering their legs and flailing their hands about. AndreÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s confusing mixed metaphors just freaks the girls out more and they leave shocked. Poor Aundrea is devastated and goes to her trailer crying. Doc tries to console her with some platitudes of his own. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just stay true to yourself. Can you do that for me? Can you do that for Aundrea?Ã¢â‚¬? Wow, we have a new champion of the empty pep talk. Even Aundrea can barely sit through it. If one of my friends is ever depressed about something and I say something like Ã¢â‚¬Å“Just stay true to yourself. Can you do that for me? Can you do that for sg-dub?Ã¢â‚¬?, I would expect a punch to my cooter. And I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even have one.
Gratuitous boob shot of the week
ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s showtime. And the arena is filled with screaming 13 year old girls and their moms. You can feel the electricity. Johnny tells the audience that they are to judge the groups to see which one they like the most. When he says that they cut to S.H.E. waiting in the wings and Kelli does this really fast butt jiggle of excitement that makes me think Ã¢â‚¬Å“Aubrey who?Ã¢â‚¬? Ahh, so much talent packed into such small shorts.
S.H.E. starts their act and right out of the gate they absolutely sucked ass. They were incredibly off pitch and the audience, including Laurie Ann, Doc and Johnny are shell-shocked. Laurie Ann puts her fingers in her ears, but Laurie Ann likes to schtick for camera time so I wouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t put too much into that. I mean, how pitch sensitive do you think a Backstreet Boy fan really is?
The song gets so bad that when they are done the audience booÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s them. Yep that’s right. Actual boo’s. Suck on that Denosh.
Purple make Andre Happy!
Next up itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Chain 6. And they, to borrow one of the colloquialisms of the moment, rock da joint. Right from the get go they are getting cheers and they actually do a pretty good job.
After its all over they bring both groups on stage and tell the audience to cheer for which group they liked the most. And S.H.E. finds out that they do not in fact, have everything. More booÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s even louder than before. As for Chain 6, the audience goes insane. It was Like OprahÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Ã¢â‚¬Å“My Favorite ThingsÃ¢â‚¬? times 10. Now I may be wrong here, but I think one woman was so excited she literally flung her child onto the ground. And goddamit who can blame her? It was Chain 6 for god’s sake!
Now its time for the fallout. Backstage Doc tells them that Denosh came in on the wrong pitch and it was all down hill from there. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s right, the little dictator who thought her shit didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t stink, screwed it for all of them. Denosh, being the true pain in the as she is, takes it in style Ã¢â‚¬Å“It frustrated me, not so much that I came in sharp, cuz I mean, things happen. But we didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t adjust, we didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t recover.Ã¢â‚¬? ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s right Denosh, it was everyone elseÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s fault that you suck. She should go into politics, and not just because I want to hear Ã¢â‚¬Å“The senate recognizes Senator DenoshÃ¢â‚¬? on CSPAN. Her campaign slogan will be Ã¢â‚¬Å“For real yÃ¢â‚¬â„¢all. I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t bullshit.Ã¢â‚¬? Hell IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d vote for her but my state keeps electing Lieberman to the senate so weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed (yeah, thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s right, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m getting political in a Making the Band recap. Stay tuned because at the end I will analyze the negative economic repercussions of the flat tax).
On the bus ride back the girls from S.H.E. are coming up with endless excuses, and the girls from Group 6 are quietly taking it all in with a smile. And Aubrey, even though I still love her, out stupids them all. Ã¢â‚¬Å“It really is not even about the performance, and it seems funny because as artists that what we do is perform.Ã¢â‚¬? HA! I havenÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t heard an excuse that lame since President Harding and the Teapot Dome scandal. Am I right? Hmm, on second thought, maybe I should lay off the politicsÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
Taquita overhears this and her little post interview cracked me up. Ã¢â‚¬Å“YÃ¢â‚¬â„¢all got booed cuz yÃ¢â‚¬â„¢all was on the wrong note.Ã¢â‚¬? She then does an impression of their horrible singing and MTV inserts boos into the background. Nice.
Sweet little Aundrea is quietly elated. And sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s damn cute even without makeup. Oh my god, what am I saying. Does this mean me and Aubrey are breaking up? Hmm. Well, maybe it is time that we give each other some space. And then after a while we can see how we feel and take it from there. Its not you Aubrey , its me. I love you, I’m just not in love with you. you know what I mean?
Anyways, thats the end of the episode. And tomorrow night is our big finale when Diddy finally picks his super group. Who do I think he will pick? going on gut instinct I’m gonna go with;
Yeah I know, I ragged in Dominque a lot. But the girl really is a good singer. And Diddy loves to take risks. Like when he shot that guy in a nightclub. That was risky.
So what did you guys think? Who do you think Diddy will pick? And what’s up with the latest Defense Appropriations bill? You think it’ll ever get out of committee?