Big shocker on this week’s Making the Band. You might want to sit down before I reveal it. Okay, here it comes: one of the girls had trouble singing in the studio! I know, I know. Try to take a moment to let it sink in. It’s hard to believe, but once again, our half hour of drama focused on Aubrey struggling to hit all the right notes for the producers. This meant she had to dig down deep and really pull out all the stops. Well, that’s probably what she would have liked to have done… had the record producers not kicked her off the track. Oh snap! Aubrey done lost her chance!This week’s show started off with sultry, sumptuous images of South Beach as the girls frolicked in the sun. “Have a good time! Enjoy yourselves, ladies!” Diddy yelled from the studio, adding, “And get me a cheesecake while you’re at it.” You know, if you think about it — two things we’ve learned about Diddy from the past few seasons of this show is that he loves cheesecake and he loves Miami. Dare I ask it: is Diddy the long-lost, black Golden Girl? I can almost see him cozying up to Dorothy Zbornak and Blanche Devereaux, maybe receiving a pointed barb from Sophia.
Anyway, the girls of this band (which we know is now called Danity Kane or something dumb like that — although, it hasn’t been officially released on the show) pranced around the beach like a tiny heard of ponies, and the ever mousy Aundrea explained to us, “We need a little fun in our lives!” Of course, for her, that means running around in a little, metal wheel for hours on end, but that’s neither here nor there.
Dawn echoed her bandmate’s sentiment by saying, “The most important rule is always, always, always have fun.” How true. And we’ll see just how long the fun lasts. (If you’re guessing “not long at all,” we’re on the same wavelength.)
Speaking of fun, we then saw Aubrey waltzing down a street in South Beach, and as usual, she was showing off all her assets. One person even randomly asked her, “Do you model?” She laughed it off as if the kid was crazy (clearly she had forgotten about that Maxim shoot she did last season) and then wandered into a boutique where she tried on the skimpiest, most provocative bikinis in all of Florida. A little later, when the girls were all partying at a club, Aubrey then told us, “My biggest challenge in this group is going to be fighting against the misconceptions of who I am.” She then added, “For instance, because I’m in a singing group, people have this misconception that I can sing. I don’t know why they think that.” Okay, she didn’t say that, but she did complain, “I always get to play the ‘sexy’ role.” Yeah, why does she always have to be just the sexy one? It’s not like she spends all day trying on scandalous bathing suits and stuff. Oh wait…
We then headed over to the Sagamore hotel where Aundrea was on the phone with her music industry boyfriend, Rudy. Keep in mind that this was the same guy that Diddy warned was a rat. Well, the two had a sweet, if not dreadfully boring, conversation, and as they talked, Aundrea alerted us that they’d been together for two years. How lovely. By the way, I had meatloaf last night. What? I thought we were all sharing things that no one cared about.
Anyway, a few minutes with AundRudy, and we could already tell there was trouble in mousy paradise. “You sound like you’re drunk,” Rudy told his girlfriend at one point. Yes, he was one of those. Mmmm… I love the smell of co-dependency in the morning. Luckily, before we could be totally put to sleep, we left these two and headed into the studio where Diddy reminded us the clock was ticking. He wanted an album in stores by late August, dammit! Just in time for the season finale! Yay synergy! By the way, I’ll be posting a full CD review once it “drops.”
Well, for today’s adventure in pop R&B, the girls would be working with Brian Cox. No, not the guy from the Bourne Identity movies (and everything else). This Brian Cox was a young black man who was a super producer and worked with Usher and stuff. By the way, just thinking out loud, who else would love to see a movie where Brian Cox and Brian Cox switch bodies? I’m there opening day.
The Brian Coxes.
Tonight’s big project would be working on a ballad called, “Right For You.” I immediately groaned, mostly in anticipation of dumb parallels between the song and Aundrea’s love life. Well, all the girls got in the booth, and one after another, they knocked it out of the park. Audrea, Shannon, Dawn, D. Woods — they all were en fuego tonight! But then there was Aubrey. The “sexy one.” She had a major problem: she sucked. Try as she did, she simply could not get into the emotions of the song. It was total and complete disaster. Danity Kane would be RUINED! Eventually, Brian Cox yanked her out of the booth, and just when Aubrey was feeling totally worthless, guess who walked in? That’s right. Diddy (who was bizarrely dressed as Where’s Waldo, but that’s a whole other issue entirely).
Sure enough, Diddy liked everyone, but when it came to Aubrey, he commented, “She’s trying to sing. She can’t be trying to sing. You can’t do that, Ma. Y’all gots to flow! Y’all gots to flow!” I feel like there’s a really naughty menstruation joke in here somewhere, but I just can’t seem to get it.
Anyway, Diddy gave Aundrea further cryptic advice, saying, “You gots to freak this shit!” and ultimately, “I gotta cry when I hear this shit!” Don’t you worry, Diddy. You will be crying. Oh how the tears of Diddy shall flow! It’ll be like a thousand boom-cats rolled into one. Okay, I’m not even making sense anymore.
After the commercial break, we found Aundrea talking to Rudy on the phone, but bitch was gettin’ in the way of Fox’s action Mondays! Rudy was literally trying to watch Prison Break, and no girlfriend was going to get in the way of that. Yeah, feel the burn, Aundrea. You just lost out to Wentworth Miller. Dreamy, dreamy Wentworth Miller with his piercing eyes and prominent widow’s peak. Swooooon.
Aundrea then went out to the balcony and talked to Shannon about the whole situation, painting her toe-nails all along, which was appropriate because this conversation was just about as exciting as watching paint dry. The two talked about how the industry is hard on relationships and just hard in general. “I don’t see half the people out there surviving it,” Shannon said. Don’t get your hopes up either, pretty young thang.
Back at the studio, the girls listened back to the ballad they recorded the other night. The way it was supposed to go was that Aubrey and Aundrea would share the first verse, singing alternate lyrics back and forth. However, what they discovered was that Aubrey had been dropped from the song entirely. Oops! Kind of makes sense though. Usually music producers like their singers to be able to, you know, sing.
Well, Aubrey was understandably sad, and Dawn commented, “She’s really hurt about it, and I understand because I know that would be a feeling that I would feel if it was me.” If it was you? Bitch, you nearly got cut out of a song last week. Don’t act like you be bowling them over! And yes, I do turn into a woman named Shaniqua when I watch this show.
The girls then got to work on a new Brian Cox song called “Handle Me,” and surprise, surprise! It was the opening credits theme song! Their big number! And guess what? Aubrey wasn’t going to be singing on it either. Haha. She’s arguably the star of the show, and yet she doesn’t get to sing in the opening credits. Oh the cruel fate of the sexy one! Maybe she should wear a sexy outfit around the studio instead of those dumpy overalls. Eh, I guess that’s sexual harassment; so never mind.
Well, Aubrey left the studio to cry in the parking lot, and Dawn (or was it D. Woods? I couldn’t tell) went out to console her. I couldn’t get a clear view because the camera man inexplicably spent the entire scene hiding behind various vehicles, lest he ruin the “realness” of the moment. Nevertheless, Aubrey cried, “Everyone else is getting stuff except for me!” She then bawled about not doing anything and being sent home from the group. “I could do ‘pretty, pretty Aubrey’ somewhere else,” she moaned. Yeah, like at a strip bar! She don’t need this “Diddy” fella, whoever he was.
Later, Aubrey returned to the studio but told us, “I feel like I can’t live as a true artist, and I can’t express myself the way I want to.” Oh cruel world! How could you repress the beacon of sheer talent and artistry that is Aubrey? She’s more than a pretty face! She’s more than a musician! She is an ARTIST, DAMMIT!
Sensing that her friend was feeling down in the dumps. Dawn went and talked to the group’s manager, Johnny Wright (the same man who last season seemed to be holding the Backstreet Boys captive in his walk in closet). He reminded her that ultimately, it was the producers’ album and their call. If they didn’t like Aubrey’s voice, then there wasn’t much he could do. Dawn then replied, “I agree with everything you’re saying, but I’m also her sister too.” And of course, the producers added an extra flash or flair to the screen when Dawn said “sister,” just in case we were too dumb to realize she had said something really supportive and nice. A great drinking game would be taking a shot every time the producers made the screen flash. I can imagine the girls going to a restaurant and asking what dressings came with the salad:
Waitress: “We have ranch [FLASH!], thousand island [FLASH!], balsamic [FLASH!], bleu cheese [FLASH FLASH!], and Italian [FLAAASH!]“
Aundrea: “Do you have French? [mini flash]“
Wiatress: “No, I’m sorry. [BIG FLASH, followed by a BOOM, leading into slow motion and black and white]“
Well, sensing that he had to nip this Aubrey problem in the bud, Johnny gathered the girls all around and said that while it might be tough and frustrating, a producer’s decision did not necessarily reflect the quality of singing. Sometimes, a person’s tonality just isn’t what the big guys are looking for. With that, Aubrey began to feel better — she wasn’t a bad singer after all! She just didn’t have the right tone! You know, her unique “can’t hit the notes” tone doesn’t work with every song, and that’s OKAY.
Meanwhile, Aundrea decided to call her boyfriend again, but horror of horrors: she got his voicemail! Oh, how awful! Is there anything more cruel and heartbreaking than reaching someone’s voicemail???? What’s next? She’ll IM someone and get… an away message?
Back in the studios, hefty songwriter Pooh Bear returned to add a few touches and elements to that Scott Storch song from last week. He called Aubrey into the booth, and guess what? She redeemed herself! I personally thought she sounded worse than on the ballad, but Pooh liked it, and if it’s good enough for Pooh, it’s good enough for me. Anyway, Aubrey was in the zone — as best evidenced by her quick-moving finger dancing — and when she emerged from the booth, she realized that she could excel at one song and not be right for another. Yay life lessons! Aubrey has a place again!
We then watched as the whole team listened back to the song, and I’m sorry, I just had to get this off my chest. He may be incredibly talented and amazing and an awesome person, but Scott Storch looked totally idiotic. He reminded me of every dorky kid who wanted to be cool. The sunglasses, the chains, the jersey — just drop it dude. Embrace your inner L. L. Bean.
If it makes Scott feel any better, however, I will say this — and this is very hard for me to say — the stupid song they were all listening to… it had grown on me. Yes, I feel great shame in admitting it, but I can’t help it! I’ve been inculcated!
Later, Aundrea tried yet again to reach Rudy, and the good news for her was that she didn’t get stuck with voicemail. The bad news was that Rudy clearly didn’t have the time for her. “I have to get back to this,” Rudy said, adding, “24 is on, dammit!” Okay, he didn’t say that, but his brusque attitude caused Aundrea to cry. “Can you be my boyfriend now?” she asked, trying to keep her composure.
“Drea, I have people inside waiting for me,” he replied. Dammit, woman! They have to watch Law & Order: Criminal Intent! Have you no decency?
And on this sorrowful note, the show ended. Oh my goodness! What will happen with these two? And will we ever care? Probably not. What did you think about this episode?