No, it’s not your favorite British game show that tests general knowledge and banks cash along the way, it’s another crazy week of Making the Band. And this time with plenty of bitchassness.
At the slightest sign of weakness, I will SMITE you with my dangerous laser glare!Diddy opens the show by saying, “It’s me ladies!” Obviously Diddy thinks that the only people who watch his show are girls. Either that or every other guy is a woman when compared to his amazing manliness. He tells us that he’s really excited because his bands are wrapping things up in the studio, so they deserve to enjoy the fruits of their labor. Fruits of labor = day on a yacht.
Den Mommy Michael tells the girls about the yacht, and they demonstrate the common emotion often related to good news: Excitement. The guys, on the other hand, react the way the always do to most things — by responding with boredom and confusion. Den Mommy tries to rile them all up by saying that it will be fun. But the boys really don’t seem to want to get out of bed. Big Mike tells us that he can’t swim, so if he falls over board, he’ll die. Someone get this man some floaties! Finally Denny entices them by saying there are huge buffets on the boat, and the boys finally get up. The fastest way to Day26′s motion control center in the brain is through the stomach.
The girls get on the boat first, accompanied with one of their songs in the background. They all sprawl around in their suits, with their glasses on, perfectly posed.
“We’re not posing. We just happen to be sitting like this. Obvi!”
A note on Danity Kane fashion: The do-rag trend has never been a friend of mine. If I get within two blocks of a do-rag, I break out in hives. It’s just a little too Brett Michaels for me. But here, it makes sense. It protects the scalp from those awful sunburns to the area where your hair is parted. Because there is nothing worse than a sunburn on your part. You can’t brush or comb your hair for a week without ruing the day you were born. It’s bad.
Next a little boat comes to pick up the boys to take them to the yacht. And the boys are actually too afraid to jump into the boat because some of them can’t swim. I seriously doubt that with all the camera crew, production assistants, etc. that anyone will let these boys drown. But, then again, I guess that would make for some pretty interesting television.
The best part is that Big Mike’s hat falls into the water. This all could have been prevented if he’d actually pulled his hat onto his head rather than keeping it weirdly perched the way he always does. Hopefully he’ll learn his lesson. But I doubt it. Mike is so bothered by the loss of his hat, that he wants to go back home. I wonder what poor assistant had to hop in to retrieve this prized possession. I hope there aren’t any leeches in there.
The girls make fun of the boys for being pansies. When the boys finally make it onto the yacht, everyone sprawls around and soaks up the sun. The boys comment that they can’t wait until they have enough money to have their own boats. Such humanitarian goals! I love it!
This reminds me of those National Geographic scenes where the seals are all basking on a rock before the killer whale crashes their party.
Diddy ends up joining the cruise because he wants to get to know them all a little better. (Huh?) Why has he been so nice lately? I’m fearing a Diddy-sized backlash in the future… The first thing that Diddy asks is if anyone does an impression of him. Brillo does an interesting one that isn’t good at all. Then another yacht passes and Diddy waves. I wonder what I’d do if I was just boating along and saw Diddy on the next boat over. I think it’d be similar to that crazy scene at the end of “Overboard” when Goldie Hawn swims wildly toward Kurt Russell. I just hope that no one tries to shoot me with a bow and arrow. (Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about.)
Orangebrey grills Diddy about his lovelife. And we discover that he’s still in love with Kim, the mother of his children. He also told us that being himself is the best feeling in the world and that he’s not in the business for money; he’s in the record business because he loves it. I wonder what he does for money then? The clothing line? The fragrances? Acting? Well, I just hope he doesn’t starve.
As the champagne starts to work it’s magic, it just turns into a weird game of Truth or Dare, minus the Dare part, thank God. Diddy is one nosy dude. He asks Orangey and Brillo if they are attracted to each other. They admit that they are. He then asks what’s up with Dawn and Q, and Dawn just about dies of utter embarrassment. And they say that they’re friends…of course. I mean, duh. Obviously. Don’t let all that kissing and cuddling misinform you.
Oh guess what happens next? Just guess! Did you guess that it was another “Breaking News” segment? Then you would not be wrong! Diddy alerts us to a case of bitchassness, which happens to be in the political system with Barack vs. Hillary. Ok, I know that Diddy has a lot of faults. He’s not a perfect man. But I just love this. These segments are strange, but I love that he’s doing his best to keep “bitchassness” alive. It’s hilarious. He tells young people not to feel disinfranchised and to make sure they vote. Word. Next he shows us a shirt that he’s sending to the democratic party.
This is even more effective than “Vote or Die.”
Now that the champagne-aided lovefest is over, the girls are back in the studio working on a new song called “Sucka for Love.” Orangebrey is looking more platinum than ever and tells us that she’s definitely been a sucker for love. I never would have guessed. Shannon tells us that everything is really coming together for their album.
The transition from human being to Malibu Barbie is almost complete.
Brillo, meanwhile, is working on a song called “Spank Me,” and Seven loves it. Hmm. Brillo has some weird songs. Last week he was singing about surgery, and this week he’s singing about spanking. This shall be a tres interesting album. Brillo tells us NOT to spank him and asks the editors to insert special effects to drive that point home.
Brillo doth protesteth too much
Day26 though. Wow. Another bad day for them. Slam looks totally distraught. All the guys are so exhausted that they are practically snoring in the studio. They are so deep in sleep that barely anything could wake them from their slumber. Well, anything but Brian that is. He sings the screechiest verse in the history of mankind, jolting everyone to attention.
To make matters worse, mid-struggle, Diddy comes into the studio and wants to hear a new Day26 hit. He is not pleased. Maybe they should start giving him champagne before listens to their music. He immediately starts yelling for Gandhi. Uh oh. That means he thinks their voices suck.
Diddy sits the boys down and says that only Q and Willie are playing at an All-Star level. They look and sound perfect. But there are some weak links. Big Mike has put on 15 pounds. Brian has gained eight pounds, and it’s making him look old. Robert is getting chunky. They will not be driving girls crazy any time soon. No panties being thrown on stage in their near future!
Brian is the weakest link in the group because he squeals too much and needs to use his full voice. Ouch. Well, Brian, you finally got a storyline. Might not be the one you wanted, but this is what it is. They have seven days to turn things around.
Not to name names or anything, but YOU SUCK, BRIAN ANDREWS!
Back at the house, Robert is shocked that he was named a weak link. I wasn’t. It’s his hair, mostly. He’s fastly approaching Brillo status. Then he says, “But it don’t matter. I don’t give a shit.” What a winning attitude. Bitchassness.
The following morning, the boys are working out harder than ever. Love! It! The more eye candy, the better. After they all pump their daily iron, Brian sticks around to work out more. He wants to prove that he’s not the weakest link.
Talk to the ball cuz the face ain’t listenin’!
All that drive doesn’t last long though. Before we know it, they’re back to their old games, having to be rounded up again by Den Mommy. Robert and Brian start having this intense, squeaky argument over who’s going to shower first. Hmm…maybe this mansion really DOES only have one bathroom…interesting. Well, I vote that they take a shower together. But, you know, that’s just me. Their bickering really reminds me of my relationship with my sister, age 5 through 8. Then we grew up. When Brian gets upset, his voice raises to an even higher octave that I can’t process through my human auditory system. It’s REALLY squeaky. I mean, I don’t know if you understand. Brian’s voice is so fast and high that he sounds like an auctioneer. It’s like a mouse is yelling at me.
The two keep arguing about who knows what — the details really can’t be deciphered — while Willie and Q try to break them up. I really wish the Den Mommy could ground them and put them to bed. That’d be great. It’s so silly that Willie doesn’t even try to keep a straight face.
A bra-clad, rainbow headbanded Orangebrey tells Den Mommy that he should go talk to Robert and Brian about their feelings. Denny has been so dumbfounded that two 20-somethings have been fighting over the shower, that he doesn’t even know how to respond. But Den Mommy, bless his heart, takes the Orange’s advice.
Would you take advice from a person who looks like THIS?
First, he goes to Robert. Apparently, Robert was getting into the shower when Brian walked in. And Brian told him to get into the shower and hurry. Robert thought this was rude. (Seriously this house has no other shower? Seriously?) Anyway, Robert couldn’t hurry and get in the shower while Brian was in there. Okay, got it.
Next, Denny talks to Brian. Brian, I guess, ran an extra three miles, which, according to Denny, was “awesome, by the way.” Orangebrey and Q are eavesdropping on the stairs and laughing their heads off. And I don’t really get what Brian’s argument is. Something about him yelling at Robert to take his shower. I don’t get it. And I don’t think Denny did either. But Denny finally got to be useful. Normally he’s just helping pageant girls fight over lashes.
Back in the studio, the boys still aren’t doing as well. They are listening to a new song and trying to divide up the parts. Rob wants to take a part that he obviously cannot pull off because it calls for a softer voice, and he’s too strong with too much vibrato. Robert says that he has a distinctive voice and that could be the sound of the group.
Willie agrees that Robert has a great, raspy voice, but it’s not right for the particular part they are looking at. Robert is exemplifying major bitchassness right now. I hope Diddy sends him one of those t-shirts. This is ridonkulous. Willie tells Robert that yet again he’s acting like the lead singer instead of knowing his place in a band. Willie even says, “That’s bitchassness.” And Q, who is eating his fingers, says that Robert needs to let his ego go.
Orangebrey and Brillo go out to the dock in their swimwear. They hug and stare off into the sunset. Brillo says that he doesn’t want to rush it, but he can’t wait until the album is done. Orange tells him that he has to remember moments like this when they are just snuggling on the dock. Those moments will keep him grounded when he becomes a huge star.
“Remember this because when you’re famous, you won’t get to date huge whores anymore.”
DK is back in the studio recording their final song, “Lights Out.” And Dawn wrote it! Go Dawn! The song is about a good girl who turns naughty when the lights go down. They love the song so much that they pull the guys, producers and everybody into the studio to listen to it. They even pull the dog into the studio. Who’s dog? Who knows.
They play the song and all the girls sing and dance along. The song sound just a little messy for me. I don’t know. It’s kind of all over the place. I think I prefer some of their other stuff a little better. But I am proud of Dawn and am glad to see her proud of herself. The girls are finally done with their album and couldn’t be happier.
The guys are working on a song called “In My Bed.” Dirty! Brian is still struggling. He is having to record his parts numerous amounts of times to get them decent. Mike tells us that they do want the tracks to sound perfect, but they don’t have a lot of time to wait for Brian to get it right. I wonder if Making the Band 4 Season 3 will be looking for a Brian replacement.
Then Mike blows into his arm, making a fart noise.
In the minivan on the way home, Brian blatantly picks a fight with Robert. Robert says something about killing, and then Brian asks who he wants to kill and says he knows it’s him. Geez. Robert wasn’t even talking to him, and Brian gets offended. Someone please get this boy into anger management. He’s driving me nuts. Brian goes from zero to 60 and starts screaming and pointing in Robert’s face. Again, I’m not sure what he’s even saying because his voice travels on a strange frequency. Q turns around and tries to break it up, saying that they are going to hurt the group. Brian is so mad that he says he wants to hurt somebody. I wish Diddy could see all of this.
Minivan from hell: A soccer mom’s worst nightmare.
Brillo interjects and tells the bitchasses to just get over it. He tells us that it’s been stressful since they arrived in Miami because they work constantly while on little sleep, but he doesn’t want to be on a tour bus with people fighting all the time. But Brian won’t stop being bitchassny. He’s bleeped so much that I’m not really sure what he’s trying to convey. I think he’s obviously just frustrated that Diddy called him the weakest link, and now he’s taking it out on Robert because Robert will give him a reaction. Willie tells us that he’s scared because groups break up all the time and for way less. Brian is their Yoko Ono.
The next morning, the boys meet with Gandhi for vocal lessons, and there is obvious tension in the room. Big Mike tells us that there are bad vibes. I think they should invite Seven to come smoke it out. Gands tries to patch things up by having the boys do an exercise called, “Stop, Start and Continue.” Everyone has to name something they want each band member to stop doing, start doing and continue doing.
It’s an all out gooey feelings lovefest until they get to Brian, and then there is a long pause. Big Mike makes the first move and says, “Stop being too aggressive.” Willie says to stop letting people get to him and start believing how great he is. For Robert, Willie says to stop being so emotional. And then Brian and Robert give each other a little love when Brian compliments Rob’s voice and Robert compliments his team playerness.
The vibe in the room has changed to a more positive tone. Robert says that Gands is their guardian angel because they fight and argue but once they are at vocal rehearsal, everything goes out the window. Oh Gandhi! Such a beacon of peace and enlightenment! Your name fits you well!
Note the angelic glow.
Day26 is now back in the studio recording their last song, “Got Me Going,” and it’s yet another happy ending for the Diddy gang. They all sing great and the love comes back. Diddy comes in and thinks the song is beautiful. So that night, they all celebrate in the club. I hope that Robert gets drunk and falls in a bush again.
Next week it looks like Shannon’s misguided choice of hair color will finally become an issue, and the boys are going to bomb a performance.
So what did you all think? Who has more bitchassness — Robert or Brian? And who’s your favorite? I think I’m kind of crushing on Willie!