You know I gotta to hand it to my boy Diddy. Whether or not this season of Making the Band 3 is successful, heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s already created some good TV. So who cares if this girl band ends up sucking (which it probably will), we were able to see Diddy chasing a bunch of girls in a rickshaw with a bullhorn. Do you see Martha Stewart doing that? I doubt it. Would you expect to see Donald Trump yell out Ã¢â‚¬Å“Boom! Cat!Ã¢â‚¬? Well, if you paid him enough money probably. That dude will whore out for cash quicker than a Filipino prostitute. My point is, Diddy always keeps things interesting. You expect him to zig, and he zags. You think heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s all badass and then he shows up holding his pet Bichon Frise named Cha Cha. And if that doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t draw youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re interest, we spend at least a third of the show in the emergency room. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s right, this episode we get a body count. Diddy will take no prisoners in his quest for the next crappy girl band.
We open with Tiffany and she is hobbling around because of her injured hip. I guess you can say sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not feeling too hip? Get it? Zing! Anyway, sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s limping back into the loft in her blue Sean Jean pajamaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s, with a sullen look on her face. When the other girls start asking her what happened she tells them that they she pulled a ligament and they had to pop her hip back into place. For which I can only say Ã¢â‚¬Å“eeewÃ¢â‚¬?. And If I can just share with all of you, when I was in middle school I broke my collar bone and it was on that day that I made a startling discovery. I am a big freaking baby when it comes to pain. So for a girl to get her hip popped out of place, and still try and dance in front of Diddy gets mad props from me. Granted part of me is still wondering why she didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t tell everyone to stop the music and just scream Ã¢â‚¬Å“I canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t dance Diddy because you were chasing me in a rickshaw for 6 freaking miles for no goddamn reason and it caused my goddamn hip to pop out of joint. Now stop wearing sunglasses inside it makes you look like a moron.Ã¢â‚¬? But she didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t. I should be on this show, and not just so I can stare at Aubrey when she sleeps. And before you guys start saying Ã¢â‚¬Å“But EdHill, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a show about a girl group. Only women can be on the show.Ã¢â‚¬?, let me just point out to you exhibit A. Denosh. AinÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t no way that isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t a dude.
I know all there is to know about the Crying Game…
When the girls ask how in the world she could have her hip pop out of join from running, Tiffany explains that she was galloping like a horse. And as an example she gives us an interpretive dance with her arms that is somehow meant to indicate the actions of a galloping horse. It was very Twyla Tharpy. I was half expecting Laurie Ann to pop out of the closet and scream Ã¢â‚¬Å“Boom! Boom! Cat!Ã¢â‚¬?. But still, who Ã¢â‚¬Å“gallops like a horseÃ¢â‚¬? when they run? From what I remember a horse is a quadruped and weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re, you know, not. In fact the only thing I have in common with a horse isÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ well never mind.
Soon Johnny callÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s with their next assignment. As the girls all gather around the speaker phone and all say Ã¢â‚¬Å“HiiiÃ¢â‚¬? in unison I felt a very strong CharlieÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s AngelÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s vibe wash over me. I mean if you can imagine Drew Barrymore with a dislocated hip, it would be spot on. And believe me; IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve imagined all sorts of painful scenarios for Drew Barrymore after I saw Fever Pitch. Speaking of Drew Barrymore, whatever happened to Tom Green? I mean last I heard he had one ball and then he disappeared. Who will fill the void of Ã¢â‚¬Å“annoying Canadian sucking on a cowÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s udderÃ¢â‚¬?? Sure, sg-dub does it on occasion, but heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not Canadian. But I digress.
Johnny tells them that their next task is they are going to learn the title song to Making the Band. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s called Ã¢â‚¬Å“Ooh La LaÃ¢â‚¬?, which is a good choice because as far as I know thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s pretty much the entire lyrics. They just repeat it a lot. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s about as lyrically nuanced as Mmm bop. But hey, whatever gets Aubrey to shake her cute little fanny, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m 100 percent behind. Speaking of fannies shaking, Johnny then tells the girls that they are going to be learning the song AND dancing to it. With that we get the ominous black and white fast zoom on Tiffany with appropriate dark music. ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s never good. Once they get off the phone we see Tiffany limping throughout the house faintly singing Ã¢â‚¬Å“ooh, la la la laa laaaÃ¢â‚¬?. Poor girl.
But before you start shooting your whole sympathy wad at tiffany, so to speak, we find out sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not the only one suffering from a medical problem. Cindy isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t feeling good either. She canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t really explain it. She gives it a good try when she tells us “IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m feeling out of myself as far as health goes”. Is that good? Bad? I mean, If I called in to work tomorrow and said Ã¢â‚¬Å“hey boss, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m feeling out of myself as far as health goesÃ¢â‚¬? how exactly would he take it? Well in order to erase any doubts we get the same black and white quick zoom with accompanying dark music. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s bad. Then she says Ã¢â‚¬Å“my mind and my body are not working at the same pace.Ã¢â‚¬? And since weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve gotten a look at how her mind works, you know itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s really bad.
The next Day Tiffany goes to the doctorÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s office for an examination and the prognosis isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t good. The doctors say she shouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t dance for at least 2 weeks. Tiffany is dejected. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s like telling Kevin Bacon he canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t dance. But if it was Kevin Bacon, heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d just give you that piercing look, and then drive his car to the barn, rip his shirt off and just let loose. Footloose to be exact. And for the record; Sean Ã¢â‚¬Å“DiddyÃ¢â‚¬? Combs was in Monsters Ball with Peter Boyle who was in Red Heat with Lawrence Fishburne who was in Mystic River withÃ¢â‚¬Â¦Kevin Bacon. I can get there in 3.
Meanwhile, Cindy isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t feeling much better. When they go down to Smash studios to work on the song it starts to show. Doc Holliday goes around pointing to the girls to give them a Ã¢â‚¬Å“eehÃ¢â‚¬? in the key of c or something. He points to Cindy and hers comes out more like a cat getting stepped on. “IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m hearing fatigueÃ¢â‚¬? he sayÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s.
Then the groups up the girls and they go through a test run of the song. When they screw up, I guess they missed one of the 843 Ã¢â‚¬Å“laÃ¢â‚¬â„¢sÃ¢â‚¬? in the song, they fall apart immediately. Doc tells them they have to be able to recover. Every group will mess up the harmony of a song once and a while and the key is to recover in midstream and make a correction. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s all about recovery time. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m not so sure that this is such a critical thing. I mean, NKOTB didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have harmony from the moment they were formed in 1984 until the present day and it didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t hurt their careers. Danny Wood is now wildly successful as a waiter at the Revere Mass. Bennigans. Tell em EdHill sent ya and get a free order of sliders!
Doc then turns to Tiffany and asks how sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s doing. SheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s somewhat guarded about her condition, since she doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t want to be kicked off. When he asks her to sing because he wants to Ã¢â‚¬Å“see how she sounds with painÃ¢â‚¬?, a million filthy jokes flooded my brain but I will refrain, since I feel sorry for the poor girl. When she does sing she wails away at the song and her mouth gets so big I could have sworn she was a Muppet.
When Johnny pulls her aside later on he asks her how sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s doing. She tells him about how she canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t dance for 2 weeks. Johnny says she needs to think of her health before anything else, and with that Tiffany is sent home. We see her packing up her stuff and her parents coming to get her. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s all kind of sad. No one wants to go out like that. I suppose she can take some comfort in the knowledge that when she is limping around back home and someone asks her how she got hurt she can honestly say Ã¢â‚¬Å“Because Diddy was chasing me for 6 miles in a rickshaw with a bullhornÃ¢â‚¬?. I mean, who else can say that?
After she leaves all the girls feel bad. Well, most of them except for Kelli (with an i). She decides to go all Tony Soprano on her and says Ã¢â‚¬Å“This is a business, and if you canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t perform when it comes down to get things done then you don’t belong here.” Chelsea then sayÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Ã¢â‚¬Å“At this point, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s every man for himself.Ã¢â‚¬? Thus adding further proof to my Denosh is a guy theory.
Later, when some of the girls go out to Jamba Juice to get something to drink, Cindy faints. And IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m sorry to say it wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t captured on film. In order to get an idea of what it must have been like, take a look at the video of Rebecca passing out during the judging on ANTM. Man that still makes me laugh. And before you get mad, she was fine. I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t laugh at the bad ones.
Soon the paramedics arrive and they cart her away on a weird kind of half stretcher half chair thing. And itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s all done to the great Low song Monkey with the chorus Ã¢â‚¬Å“tonight the monkey diesÃ¢â‚¬? playing over and over again as they wheel her into the ambulance. They got some messed up people picking the songs for this show I can tell you that.
Back at the dance studio they are doing their first practice with both the dance and singing working together. Choreographer Laurie Ann tells them to Ã¢â‚¬Å“Try to find an organic place to live between the vocal and the movement.Ã¢â‚¬? You know that sounds weird, but I kinda get it. Good job Laurie Ann.
Afterwards Cindy shows up back at the loft and she looks like crap. The doctor told them that she is anemic and needs to rest for 24 hours. But tomorrow is the dance for Diddy! Whatever will she do? Once they show up at The Roxy to perform, Johnny asks her how sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s feeling. When she tells him what the doctor said, he tells her the whole Ã¢â‚¬Å“your health is the most important thingÃ¢â‚¬?. Johnny, being a nice guy, tells her to just go home and theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll try and make sure everythingÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s OK. I like Johnny. HeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s good cop to DiddyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s bad cop. Bobby Simone to his Sipowitz.
ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s now time for the main event, or Ã¢â‚¬Å“D DayÃ¢â‚¬? as Denosh callÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s it. Time to dance for the man himself. And as his blinged out Rolls Royce shows up, we see Diddy make an entranceÃ¢â‚¬Â¦. And heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s holding his pet Bichon Frise. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Everyone say hi to Cha Cha.Ã¢â‚¬? he say’s. No, I am not making this up. We’ve come a long way from the East Coast/ West Coast day’s I can tell you that. I mean, I don’t expect to see 50 Cent holding his maltese on the cover of his next album. So now, in one of the funniest moments of the season so far (and remember we had a rickshaw last week) Diddy has now turned into Paris Hilton. Next episode donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t be surprised if Diddy talks about what a skanky bitch Nicole Ritchie is, and calls everything Ã¢â‚¬Å“hotÃ¢â‚¬?.
Next we see the girls all perform. The first couple of groups do OK, and we get another look at Aubrey in her insanely low cut pants and exposed stomach. I’m like a deer in headlights when that comes on my screen. And I swear those pants keep dropping lower every show. At this rate of descent theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll start at her ankles by the end of the season. And I have no problem with that.
The next group. Well, they sucked. It was like they were channeling a really bad 80Ã¢â‚¬â„¢s song. Think Bananarama with bad dancing. Even the clothes looked horrible. Diddy stops them in mid stream and tells them they suck. He doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t want to go through another season of this bullsh*t. He tells them to try it again and they better get it right this time. Well, they donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t. They are worse than before. And when the music ends they cut to DiddyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s pissed off looking face and do a feedback joke. That was just too funny. I half expected tumbleweed to start drifting past their feet. And I’m only half joking. This show is nuts.
It’s time for Diddy to make his cuts. And when Diddy makes his cuts he goes into his iceman mode. Ruthless and deliberate. Only this time he does it with the queerest dog in the world by his feet, so it takes a bit of punch out of it. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s like being lectured by Zsa Zsa. And he decides he is cutting Chelsea and… thats it! See what I mean about him zigging when you expect a zag?
After Chelsea gets her requisite hugs and leaves we see her in the post interview talking about how bad it feels to be the only one going home. Well, since Apprentice dumped 4 at once this week, there has to be a reality show equilibrium. That’s the only excuse I can come up with. “In gonna personally be trying to break some of you.” Diddy then tells the remaining girls. And let me tell you he ain’t kidding around. He’s already crippled 2 of them for godÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s sake.
As the show ends we get a preview of next week, and the girls are going to Miami! I just hope they have good hospitals down there.