Making the Band: Your Bitchassness Causes Hateration

This was an intense week on Making the Band! Not only did Robert freak out on D. Woods, but he freaked out on every boy in the group, all the producers and even Diddy! But don’t worry, the whole show wasn’t only about hateration. We also got to see the seeds of love begin to sprout between Dawn and Quanell. Awww just in time for Valentine’s Day too!

Well! I guess I’m a pedophile!We are back in New York with Diddy and the crew, ready to record some new music and perhaps even learn some new words along the way. Diddy opens the show and reminds us one more time that the girls went Platinum.

The boys show up to the studio to work on their new single, “Come With Me.” The producer of the song tells them that he wants everyone to work together. No one will be the lead. If you are sensing a little foreshadowing here, then you would not be wrong.

Mike, Brian and Q take their turns with the song, and so far, it’s sounding pretty good. The producers love it. I love it. What more could they ask for? Except that Brian keeps doing this weird hand motion when he’s in the singing zone. It looks like he’s dialing an imaginary floating phone or solving an invisible math equation that’s hanging in mid-air. Brian, you’re adorable, but you look like you are fondling your invisible friend when you sing. And I just have to say that it’s a little creepy.

Next up is Robert who says that he hasn’t had the opportunity to really shine and show Diddy his potential to make him millions of dollars, quickly adding “with my voice! Not any of that creepy male prostitution stuff. Diddy ain’t my pimp!”

The producers give Robert instructions, and he’s a little confused by them. I have to say, I would be too. They tell him to sing but talk. Let it flow, but chop it up. But don’t chop it too much. Chop it just enough. While it still flows. And he’s singing. But talking. Now shout and do a Nordic accent! Robert gets frustrated with all the conflicting directions and takes it out on the producers. This is just the beginning of a long line of Robert outbursts, so brace yourself.

Meanwhile, the Brillo is working on his album in another studio with Battle Roy. Wow. “Battle Roy.” I wonder if he has even been trapped on an island with nothing to defend himself with but a dull spoon while other island inhabitants have chainsaws and machetes. Has anyone else seen “Battle Royale?” No? Okay, moving on.

Oh Brillo. You are sounding good. And the producer likes you. And you say some heartfelt things about never having a song on the radio before. And I am starting to come around and not think you are as dumb. And then you do it. You squirt in some breath freshener mid-verse. Oh Brillo. Why must you make it so hard? Must I continue the score between you versus brain damage? I thought we would be able to leave that behind this week. I know Aubrey is skinny as a rail but that microphone stand is not her, so put the breath freshener away. Please. Thank you.

These notes must taste delicious!

Back in the studio, DK is recording a new song called “Poetry.” Aundrea explains that this song is about the hardships of love. Uncharted territory in the music biz. Very original, ladies.

And again! Orangina is wearing a strange headband! Does she require this to keep her brains in? I’m worried that this is going to become her “trademark.” I pray that she and Brillo never mate and have strange coarse haired headband babies.

We cut away for a minute and when we return, she has a Post-It sticking out of her headband. Ok, so maybe her headband doubles as an area for bulletins. Because unless there are memos directly stuck to her FACE, she can’t seem to remember what’s going on.

Makeshift visor?

Aubs proceeds to cover Dawn’s back in Q-referencing Post-Its that say things like “I want Q,” “I need Q,” and my personal favorite, “I will die if I don’t do Q.” She tells us that she does this because it’s so obvious that Dawn loves Q even though she plays it cool. And because it’s written all over Dawn’s face, Aub is going to make sure that’s it’s written all over her back.

Dawn bashfully tells us that Q is adorable, but not that she’s interested or anything. I wonder what happened to the age barrier. Are we just supposed to adopt Brillo’s brain damage and not remember that Q’s only 19?

Back with the boys, Will sings his part and does great. So that means that so far, Will, Mike, Q and Brian have all done great. The only one who sucks is Robert. Robert makes up excuses about how all the songs are written more for Will’s voice. Robert gives it one more go and struggles. He tells us that he just doesn’t gel with the song. Yes, please, blame the song. It intentionally wrote itself to make you look dumb. He complains to Brian that he’s mad because they’ve recorded three songs and he hasn’t shined once. And he’s no “backseat assbitch.”

He could always be a professional pouter.

Will says that when Robert complains about being a background singer, he makes it sound like he should be the lead singer. This is a problem because they are all supposed to be equal.

Now we are back at Flatotel and Brian is wildly brushing his teeth. Will points out that “people” (psst Robert) get salty when they can’t be the lead singer. Will says that there are five people in the group, and if five people lead on every song, it’d be a mess. He explains that if a certain voice is good for a certain song, then they should get that part. He’s made the band, and he’s part of the group and he understands that he can’t be on every song if he’s not right for it. If Robert wanted to be a solo artist, then that’s what he should be. Oh but Will, that is reason speaking. This is MTV. Reason doesn’t belong here.

Now the boys are back on the street and being stopped by fans. A girl comes up and asks to have a hug from them all. She looks at Brian, hesitates and points, “Brian, right?” See! I’m not the only one who sometimes forgets this kid’s name! She had to think twice too. Sorry for calling him Chris last week, by the by. I have no idea what THAT was about. But many thanks to everyone who corrected me.

Chris? Oops, I mean…Brian?

As several fans take pictures of the boys, Mike tells us that he can’t go out anymore without causing a riot. I wonder if that is because he’s in Diddy’s band or because he spends most of the episode dressed like the American flag. People don’t know if they should shake his hand or put their hand over their heart and say the Pledge. But at least Mr. Primary Colors and the other guys give their fans a little serenade, which is pretty nice and they sounded quite good together.

Next we visit the girls who are also taking pictures with fans on the street. Except that I can’t seem to pay attention to what is going on because Aubrey yet AGAIN is wearing a weird band around her forehead! This time it’s pink and thick, paired with over-sized sunglasses. Please, don’t let this become your trademark, Orangina! Michael Jackson had the single white glove; Woody Allen has his little fishing hat; and Britney Spears had the lack of underwear and C-section scar, but those things WORKED for them! This headband thing, though, this is just bad. All the girls agree that they have the best fans ever.

The girls continue walking down the street, and Aubrey teases D. Woods about her relationship with Robert. I keep looking at D. all bundled up in her camouflage coat, and, with the lighting, for a minute I thought that she was wearing a coonskin hat until I realized that it was her hair! Oh how unfortunate!

The inspiration for my hair was “King of the Wild Frontier”

D. responds to the teasing about Robert by saying that she wouldn’t date him without a check. But if he had money, then she probably would give him a go. Shannon tells the camera that Robert actually really does have a thing for D. And then I realize that we barely see Shannon and Aundrea at all. They need to get themselves some story lines! I guess it’s hard to sleaze around for the cameras when you are married or in a committed relationship. Maybe they need to take a page from the Real World/Road Rules cast and learn how to get some good old fashioned face time via infidelity.

New hair because my blonde hair clashed with my PLATINUM ALBUM

Over at Flatotel, Robert is dancing with only one pant leg on. He is really rivaling Brillo for the award of dumbest boy. Seriously, it’s unclear what’s going on here but I am without speech.

It turns out that Quanell just can’t stop thinking about Dawn and wants to ask her on a date. Because he doesn’t want to go alone, he asks Robert to bring D. for a double date. This is all according to Robert’s testimonial. I have a feeling that Q has no qualms about being alone with Dawn, and it’s Robert who wants to hijack the date in attempt to get closer to D. That’s just my theory.

Robert calls the girls and Aubrey answers. She lays on the flirtiness before passing the phone to its intended recipient: D. Then there is this unexpected, hilarious montage as split screens and screen-in-a-screen boxes pop up and slide around. It shows everyone who is involved in the conversation at once, Aubrey, Q, D., and Robert float around in a fifties-style sitcom gag.

What’s the story, morning glory? What’s the tale, nightengale?

The gist of the conversation is that Robert wants D. to wake up and come to dinner. But D. is tired. Half the time, D. doesn’t even know who she’s talking to because Robert claims to be Q. Hilarity ensues. They tell D. to be ready in one minute and hang up before she has a chance to refute.

You want to put WHAT in my WHAT?!

While waiting for the boys to show up, Aubrey thinks it will be fun to find online gossip about the guys. And oh look what they find! Robert’s MySpace page contains a picture of himself with a girl who he calls “my boo,” “my June,” and “my Junebug.” Oh snap! That cheating sack of shit! Worst part is that the last log-in was today, so there’s no way it’s out-of-date information.

Perfect timing! Robert shows up just in time to see what’s on the computer screen and he instantly goes on the defense. Robert claims that he doesn’t run his MySpace or have a MySpace. Okay, now, Robert, everyone knows that your breakup isn’t officially 100% done unless you change your MySpace status from “in a relationship” back to “single,” demote your ex-love out of your “Top Friends” and delete all their pictures from your albums. Don’t pretend like you don’t know the MySpace breakup rituals, my friend.

That photo just came with the frame!

D. says that the only reason he must be jumping to conclusions and getting defensive is because he must know he’s in the wrong. Then he shouts, “June is my EX-girlfriend! Don’t you get yourself twisted; you ain’t that big!”

D. accuses Robert of getting in her face, which he denies, so she asks to run the tape back. The tape rewinds and in slow motion, Robert moans out, “Dooon’t yooou geeet yooourseeelf twiiiiisted!” Case closed. Point goes to D. Woods.

Robert still keeps protesting, even saying that June built his MySpace page. Meanwhile, Dawn shows up and is just as confused as we are about Robert’s outburst. She talks to Aubrey in the hall, and Aub tells her that it’s good that D. found the picture of June, so that it’s all out in the open. Quanell and Dawn smartly decide to leave without the other half of their double date.

Dawn says she is glad that it worked out the way it did because she’s more comfortable without the other two there. Dawn and Q walk down the street with their arms around each other, asking regular “getting to know you” questions (she’s a leo; he’s a libra), and it’s so cute. These two just make my heart melt. Seriously. It’s sick.

Ahhh finally! Something safe to rest my eyes on!

The cute couple makes it to the restaurant where Dawn confesses that it’s her first date. She’s never been on a date with a guy and is a little nervous. She says that Q is really bold and it makes for great conversation. Q asks Dawn if she thinks she’s attractive, and she says that she doesn’t because she had a hard time as a kid. I don’t think she’s just being modest here either. I think we are peeling back the many layers of Dawn. They giggle, flirt and eat dessert. They both admit that they don’t know what the future has in store for them, but Q assures us that his intentions are pure.

This is what pure intentions look like.

Dawn and Q go back to the house and the fight is STILL going on. Geez, D. and Robert have been on maybe one-half of a date. How can they possibly have so much to fight about yet? They seem to have a whole gallery of spectators though. Aubrey is loving the drama, and Mike and Willie have showed up for ringside seats as well.

Aubrey has a strange testimonial where she pretends that she’s speaking into an invisible microphone. “This is Aubrey. This war is done. It’s time to go to bed. Thank you. Good night.” I guess she appointed herself as moderator of the debate.

First, you wrap your hand around it REAL tight…

The next day, the boys are back in the studio to work on a new song. Ironically, the song is about commitment issues. The producer assigns parts, and everyone has a lead section except for Robert. He tells us that he’s never picked for the main guy, and it’s frustrating. He says that he’s the one who doesn’t fit in. Maybe he’d fit in better if he had a neat red stocking cap that looked like a nipple. He should invest in that!

What? You’ve never seen a third nipple before?

To make matters worse, when it’s Robert’s turn to sing, he flubs. Will tells us that Robert keeps expressing a “soloist-type vibe,” and that he needs to start acting like a part of the group. So their plan is just to pull him aside and have a meeting with him. Brian agrees that there needs to be an intervention, but Mike feels bad for talking behind Robert’s back so much.

Meanwhile, the girls are sitting out a rainy day at the espresso bar. They all want to know what happened with Q last night, but Dawn is pretty tight-lipped. She said “he’s nice…he’s…nice…he’s nice.”

But the girls don’t care because what they really want to dish about are D. and Robert. Aubrey offers a psychological examination for Robert, and it’s too good to mess with. So here it is verbatim: “You know when you see somebody who likes conflict and you can tell they like it. It didn’t look like he liked it. It looked like he was scared of it. He looked like he was fighting himself. Like he was out of control and he knew every time he said something that he was messing up and he was like shouldn’t of said it then he was just fighting so he just said it so he just might so he didn’t know how to like counter. I just saw this kid who was like flipping back and forth and was just so lost and confused and the thing is that he’s such a good person, he’s so talented, he just really, he just doesn’t, he just doesn’t know who he is yet.” Wow. The best part is that she has such a look of disgust on her face the whole time she’s saying this. She was enjoying the fight so much last night that she was cheering it on, but now she’s all disgusted apparently. Nice.

Robert disgusts me!

That night, Diddy is hopping on crutches toward his studio. At first, I didn’t know if this was a new fashion trend or if he was really hurt. But apparently he had a “little operation.” Ooooo mystery!

All the girls and all the boys (minus Brillo) are waiting for him, looking bored as hell. They play their new songs for him. DK plays a recording of “Poetry,” and I kid you not, the entire room moves their heads simultaneously like chickens. I tried to take a screengrab, but it was impossible to capture. Did you guys notice this? They were like a bunch of freakishly in sync chickens. Even Diddy chickens along, and we can tell he’s feeling their song. Phew!

Tragically, the boys don’t fare as well. They play their new song “Come With Me.” Diddy says it sounds like they haven’t been practicing, and he doesn’t feel any emotion from their vocals. He wants them to switch up who sings which parts. He tells the girls they can leave but wants to talk privately with the boys. Maybe they all posed for Travis Barker all greasy and orange too.

My red jacket symbolizes the blood that’s about to be shed.

Diddy asks the boys how they are gelling as a group and the floodgates open. Q and Brian say they’ve been planning to have a meeting to make sure that everyone is on the same page. Robert, of course, gets prematurely defensive, per usual. He feels some “hateration goin’ on.” Huh?

Ok, I needed the urban dictionary for this one.

1. Hateration: Hatred. Intense negative emotion and energy directed out at others or
inward to self. Destructive and malevolent form of energy causing substantial destruction
and suffering.

The opposite of Love, Truth and Light.
Hateration can and often does result in irritating to devastating effects ostensibly directed
at the “hated” yet ultimately destructive to the “hater.”

Ok gotcha. Carry on. Brian totally calls Robert out and says that he acts like he’s better than everyone, causing Diddy to ask, “Does he act like he’s the leader of the group? Cuz Rob, you ain’t the motherfuckin’ leader of the group.” Mike says he’s embarrassed to be having this argument in front of their boss.

D’Oh!

Robert looks completely DUMBFOUNDED! He says that he doesn’t act like he’s the leader, he stands back. WRONG! Diddy tells him not to stand back, but to move when everybody moves. Robert, again, lashes out. He says that his feelings are hurt, and they should have called him out a long time ago instead of talking about it behind his back. Willie says that Robert has an ego problem, prompting Diddy to casually say, “You have some bitchassness in you.”

All right Urban Dictionary, help me out. Bitchassness! It’s not even in there! Robert pissed off Diddy SO much that Diddy had to make up A WHOLE NEW WORD to describe him. Wow! Now that’s intense. Diddy asks Robert if he has bitchassness in him. Robert says he does not, in fact, have the bitchassness. Diddy says that he saw the bitchassness when Robert was bitchassny around his girl. He needs to correct the bitchassness or else the bitchassness will mess him up. Because bitchassness is a very contagious sickness that is out there in the community. It’s bitchassness. And no bitchassness will be allowed at Bad Boy.

Diddy tells them all to get their acts together because he doesn’t want to feel like he made the wrong band. And with that, he leaves. Dramatically. By hobbling off on his crutches like an old fart.

Robert says he feels betrayed. And Mike yells at them all. He doesn’t like the way Robert acts. And he doesn’t like that they acted so unprofessionally in front of the Dids.

To diffuse all the drama, DK and the boys go to church the following morning. No, I’m not joking. They really do. The preacher says that everything they went through last week was for this week’s deliverance. That hits home, and they all get emotional and really into the sermon. Aubrey fans herself with her fingers like she’s hot or channeling the Holy Spirit or something.

Wow, I’m sweating like a whore in church. Oh. Wait…

The preacher does that weird thing that preachers do where he speaks one phrase and then does a loud breathy inhale. He does this after every phrase. Is this what the spirit of the Lord does to you or is it just an asthma attack?

All this inhaling gets Q pumped up and he catches the spirit and dances wildly in the aisles. It’s a little odd, but even more odd that no one thinks it’s odd. Okay. All right. I can pretend like it’s not odd too.

After the service, the preacher meets with the crew. He tells them that if they sing from their heart, it will reach everyone. The church choir director invites Robert up to sing. He sings a lovely hymn, and we can almost see him spiritually turn over a new leaf. Just don’t mention Junebug – that will cause all his progress to disappear! He says the group just needs to have faith and trust in each other.

Not even the Lord can save you from your bitchassness

The boys get back in the studio with a whole new vibe. Suddenly, they gel well and the bitchassness has magically subsided. Good bye hateration! Time to make Diddy proud!

Wow! That was a big show with a lot going on! What did you guys think? Will Robert be able to stay bitchassness-free for at least another week? Are you as afraid of Aubrey’s weird headbands as I am? And how cute are Q and Dawn!? It’s almost painful, isn’t it? Or I am just too much of a softy?