Recap: Mission: Man Band: Seriously, BoBo the Gorilla Might Be Better…

Trying waaaay too hard to look 25

Sorry about the late recap, guys. I just moved into a new place and it’s been a crazy few days. I know you all have all been dying to know what happened on Mission: Man Band this week and in a nutshell the answer is: nothing! They practiced a song we never really got to hear, Chris lorded over Boozey about drinking, they went on a photo shoot, named themselves, and showed up at the Magic game for sound check. Enthralling. For those of you that want the gory details (or really hate your job), meet me after the jump!

This week, the boys are preparing for the Orlando Magic halftime show, which is only two days away. Their producer, Bryan Michael Cox, shows up to play them the demo of their new song, which he evidently swiped from Britney’s reject pile. It’s a fast track and way over-processed, but I guess a step up from the standard cheesy boy band comeback song (see: “What’s Left of Me”, “Incomplete”). We never hear the name of the song, but Cox hopes it will spawn a new catchphrase: “Work it out.” Yes, that’s a phrase that none of us have heard or used. Since the late nineties.

They go into Chris’s production studio and listen to the track. Rich loves it, and flails around a little in appreciation. Boozey Bryan sings along, and Jeff tells us that in his vast experience as a highly successful music producer with his own studio in his parents’ house, he knows a hit when he first hears it. Chris just says “it’s cool” in a snotty, noncommittal voice. Cox does a dance of his own, and then it’s Boozey’s turn. He spins around a few times and then feints a slide to the left. It’s all pretty embarrassing.

Chris calls the look on his face “flabbergasted” rather than its accurate description of “condescending and derisive” and tells us he made the face because Boozey had alcohol on his breath, the same day as Chris’s benevolent intervention. Rich then tells us that it was obvious Boozey was drunk or heavily buzzed, and his drinking could be a serious problem or ruin the project because he might have to drop out. While I understand that alcoholism is a serious issue, this is all taking place the same day as the last episode, so it’s not like Boozey’s been doing daily daytime drinking (wheeee alliteration!).

Chris drags Boozey outside to stage another dramatic intervention. I’m sure he thinks this is making him look like the good guy, but really he’s coming off like a pompous ass. Boozey, who is pretty sloppy at this point, pouts and claims he wasn’t drinking and Chris hisses you are drinking, BRO. Chris tells him that his “eyebrows are going to melt right now” and that Boozey “smells like he just used Jack Daniels mouthwash.” Does Chris think alcohol melts hair away? I would be so bald if that were true. As for his mouthwash comment, Jack Daniels should really look into that. They already make Jack Daniels glaze at TGI Fridays- why not expand? Jack Daniels mouthwash, Jack Daniels Jolly Ranchers, Jack Daniels cottage cheese… the possibilities are endless.

Boozey defends himself by saying that he’s not gone and not intoxicated, and that this will never happen again. Chris lectures him that he’s killing himself, and that Boozey’s going to be drunk his whole life, BRO. Boozey says he’s not drinking every day, and Chris jumps in to point out that Boozey’s drank on half of the days they’ve been there, for a grand total of 2. What Chris fails to mention is that one of those days was the day of the PARTY that CHRIS threw knowing Boozey was a recovering ADDICT. Chris then calls Boozey an alcoholic (actually he’s a drunk… alcoholics go to meetings), and insists that Boozey apologize to Rich and Jeff.

Inside, Rich tells Jeff that he knew Boozey had been drinking, since he hadn’t even bothered to hide it with gum or anything. Jeff replies that this drinking isn’t going to stop, and he doesn’t know what to do about it since this is outside the area of his expertise as a big-time music producer.

Back to the intervention, where Chris tells Boozey he’s going to take all the liquor out of the house to prevent him from hurting himself. Boozey is worried that Chris won’t take him seriously, because Chris has no idea how bad he wants this opportunity. Chris insists that he sees how bad the big guy wants it, and says, “this is your chance, man.” Isn’t this Chris’s chance too? Sometimes I get the impression that Chris doesn’t care about this professional opportunity and is just happy to have the guys living with him so he has someone else to talk to other than JT’s voice mail (“Yo Justin, it’s Chris. I know you’re busy and all, but you haven’t returned my last 23 phone calls, bro. PLEASE call me, man… By the way, I still love ‘Dick in a Box.’ That shit cracks me up. You da best. Call me!”).

Boozey claims he’s done drinking out of respect to Chris and his house, and Chris suggests they go find the last bottle of Jack and toss it in the lake. Boozey tells us that he thinks some of the guys truly care about him, and that he’s not a clown, he’s just a middle-aged guy with some issues. Boozey then throws the symbolic bottle of Jack in the lake.

I’ll just throw this empty bottle. Wouldn’t want to waste perfectly good Jack.

It’s now 8:15 a.m., with one day left before the show. Boozey tells us he just needs to stay sober, and thinks he’s done drinking because he’s so embarrassed by what the cameras caught the other day. He’s back to working out with his personal trainer, and he knows he can lose the weight because he’s done it before and now he will do it again.

The guys sit down for another brainstorming session to determine what to name the band. Jeff tells us that now they can finally focus on what they’re there to do, and as he says this we see Chris flipping through a magazine, looking bored out of his mind. Yup, he’s focused. Rich suggests the name “stereotype” and says, “you know… STEREO.” Yes, Rich, the word ‘stereo’ is in ‘stereotype’, but I don’t think you’re quite understanding what the entire word means. Seriously, what is up with this man’s grasp of the English language? Remember, this is the same guy that provided us with “tape recorder” and “tape recorder” when giving synonyms for… “tape recorder.” Somewhere Rich Cronin’s 5th grade teacher just hung herself.

We get a look at the whiteboard the guys are writing down their ideas on, and we see that some of the other suggestions are “Off Track”, “Clean Slate”, “Shureshot”, and “Fish Bowl.” Boozey suggests flipping “Fish Bowl” to “Bowl of Fish”, which even Rich says is a terrible, terrible name. I agree, that’s just not a good mental picture.

We see a few brief clips of the guys in the studio, practicing their new song, but not enough to really tell what the song is about or how they sound on it. Cox tells us the guys were really nervous at first but now they’re getting better. Even though this segment lasts only a few seconds, we do get to see Jeff claiming that he’s still a little hoarse. Dear God, shut up.

The guys head off for their first photo shoot as a band. Chris tells us that he hates photo shoots and seeing as though he apparently shuns mirrors, I’m not surprised he’s not thrilled about being confronted with cameras and stylists. Boozey, meanwhile, is nervous about clothes fitting him since he’s a larger dude. Once they arrive at the studio – which oddly looks like a vet’s office – we meet Enrique the photographer and Angela the stylist.

Why would I need a stylist?

Angela starts working with each guy, handing Chris a fake-vintage jacket that he’s about 10 years too old for, giving Jeff a tight shirt as the token sexy guy, and reassuring Boozey that she has clothes that will fit him. While doing this, she laughs a few times, and it may be the most annoying laugh since Janice on “Friends”. It sounds like a car engine that won’t turn over. Jeff comments to us on how bizarre the laugh was, and then he and the rest of the guys each do an impression. While it’s pretty amusing, it shows how strapped VH1 was for footage when we spend 3 minutes on the laugh of a woman we’re never going to see again.

Boozey has a small issue where none of the clothes really fit him well because of his weight, and he eventually gets his own personal clothes brought from the house to the shoot so he’ll feel comfortable. Even my snarkiness has a line, and this whole thing was kind of sad and uncomfortable to watch, so I’ll leave it at that.

Once dressed, Enrique starts the shoot. The guys don’t take it too seriously – Chris pretends to grab Rich’s crotch while Rich looks confused, Rich then points at and grabs his own crotch, etc. Lovely. Rich tells us they’re trying to stay away from the whole “boy band” goofy thing in this shoot.

No, this doesn’t say boy band at all.

The guys settle down to take some real pictures while Rich tells us that he went through his stem cell procedure less than 200 days ago, and it’s almost impossible now to try to look good. I really don’t think Rich looks that bad, considering that he already looked pretty dopey when he was healthy. The rest of the photo shoot is pretty boring, and KM eventually shows up and everyone agrees on the publicity shot we’ve seen associated with this show 100 times. Chris and Jeff are up front and center, as the most recognizable and sexiest members, respectively. They obstruct almost all of Boozey’s body to the point that he’s practically a disembodied head. And Rich is on the side, staring off into the distance with a forlorn expression to make sure the band reaches the “emo” market.

Back to another round of “What’s the Shittiest Band Name We Can Think Of?” KM tells us that she doesn’t like most of the names the guys have come up with, such as “15 Minutes”, “Last Call”, “Plan B”, and “Unstable” because they show how pessimistic the guys are. And here I thought they exuded confidence. She says that this process is not about reheating a meal; rather, it’s about creating something completely new, in that Frankensteinian kind of way.

The guys narrow the field down to something about Mercury, Sureshot (this time without the “h”), and “VIP” before ultimately deciding on “Sureshot.” Boozey tells us the name is about how they’re in a sure-shot situation. Well, with that analysis I would think “VH1shot” or “Realitytvshowshot” would have been more fitting.

The guys start discussing the upcoming Magic halftime show performance. Chris tells us he is worried about being booed in his own hometown, and Rich comments that the timeframe is unrealistic (as if any of this process was realistic), and he’s worried about remembering the words to his rap and hearing himself over the boos of the crowd. I wonder if these interviews were conducted after the actual Magic show, or if these guys are really this aware of how much they’re going to suck.

Jeff tells the guys that he’s not excited or comfortable with the idea of doing the show, and that for the record, he doesn’t want to do it. Everyone reels in shock. Boozey and Chris agree that doing the show is a bad idea, and Chris says they need to talk to KM and tell her that they’re not ready. Looks like it’s time for another revolt. We all know how well they stuck to their guns last time.

The guys go to practice in front of KM and Cox in Chris’s mini-theater, and it looks like the bottle set from “I Dream of Jeannie”, with pink velvet furniture and ornate wall coverings. Very manly. Rich comments that if he doesn’t stop thinking about the show and the fact that they’ve never worked together before, he will have an anxiety attack and presumably crap his pants. Jeff suggests pulling out of the show, and rationalizes that the Magic will just get BoBo the Gorilla to go out there and slam dunk a few times during halftime instead. That probably would be more entertaining for the crowd, but KM insists that it’s a great opportunity and they’re going to do it. Chris tells KM that he will go out there and do the show, and he will get booed, but when that happens, he’s coming back to KM and saying I told you so. Very mature.

It’s now 8 hours before the show, and Rich and Jeff are fretting together in the kitchen. Jeff hasn’t spent his ritual 5 hours in front of the mirror today, injecting steroids and doing his hair, and his hotness factor plummets accordingly.

This man should never be without mousse

Rich tells Jeff that he used to do crazy, OCD rituals before performing, such as stamping his feet a certain number of times. Wow, that is… crazy? Did he also have to crack his knuckles and scratch his chin a certain number of times? That’s so bizarre and out there! Get this man a shrink! Jeff, whose Gay Dad look evidently makes him less of a jerk, empathizes accordingly and tells Rich that he’s right there with him. Rich admits he’s still shaky on the lyrics since this is the fastest he’d ever had to learn a song.

The guys have one last practice in Jeannie’s bottle. Cox is going to DJ the performance, and he tells us that he thinks the guys will go over decent, and he emphasizes the word “decent.” Cox may be a good producer but God he sucks as a supporter. KM picks up the motivational slack and cheers the guys on, while Jeff tells her that he’s putting his trust in her. Not a good move, Timmons.

Now with 3 hours left before the show, the guys head into the Amway Arena. We see them briefly doing sound check, and they complain that it’s hard to hear themselves singing over the echo of the arena. Rich then forgets his words, upsetting everyone, and tells us that he’s really worried he’s going to blow it for everyone as we see the guys waiting in the wings, ready to take the court…

Previews: We may actually get to see this damn show finally!