Recap: Mission: Man Band: Poor Baby Cronin

I hope everyone had a great, long Labor Day weekend! I spent mine watching my beloved Cubbies go down in defeat, and then came home and tortured, err, consoled myself with Mission: Man Band. This week the guys of Sureshot are shooting their first music video, and it’s actually really good. It’s nice to see them making such great strides towards a legitimate revival of their careers. Nah, I’m just playing, it’s absolute crap, and I love watching them crash and burn. Come revel in their failure, dear friends!

Yes, that’s a man wearing a unicorn costume holding a bottle of booze. No, that’s not the worst part of their video.

We pick up in the meeting the guys called with their manager, Katie McNeil. As you may recall, the guys are mad at KM for making them perform at the Magic game, listen to the commentary on the radio the next day, and watch a playback video of the performance. So, as we were teased at the end of last week, they now want to fire her. What a dirty whore, how dare she help you get your name out and then try to make you learn from the experience? I totally understand, guys. I have a mommy.

Rich tells us that the point of the meeting is for them to figure out if KM is really in this process for the long run. I could answer that for you buddy: the second her contractual obligation with VH1 is completed, that woman is running away faster than one of Michael Vick’s pit bulls. Too soon? How bout faster than Britney from Child Services? Better?

Chris tells KM that they wanted to fire her, wanted, as in the past tense. He lords that over her a little bit, clearly enjoying having her nervously hang on his every word. Chris tells her that they want someone that has their best interest at heart. Rich tells her that his every downfall has been due to bad management, and he has trust issues. I’m assuming he means professional downfall because while you can blame Lou Pearlman for almost anything, I think the line has to be drawn at “gave me cancer.” Jeff tells her he lost trust in her when she made them listen to the radio commentary. He says that KM allowed them to do two things in a row that hurt them (the Magic show and the radio commentary), and what’s worse is that they told her they were going to get hurt from the show, she knew how hurt they were from the show, and then she hurt them again with the radio commentary. Jeff then put his thumb back in his mouth and clutches Blankie tighter.

KM tells the guys that if she could do it over again, she would do it totally different. Chris interrupts, literally pointing fingers now and waving his arms around wildly, and accuses KM of making a lot of excuses, and KM protests that she’s just trying to explain the position she was in, and how she made a wrong decision. Chris then accuses her of changing her story, how before she said it was important for the guys to see what they did wrong by watching the video, and now it’s all like, “I messed up.” KM admits that doing the show wasn’t the right decision, but she stands by having the guys watch the video.

Chris, still swinging his arms like a rabid baboon, shouts “I don’t agree! I’ve been on tour for 50,000 years and I don’t agree with that!” 50,000 years, huh? I’m sure the Neanderthals were turning out in droves to see “It’s Gonna Be Me” performed live, waiving around lit clubs to “God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You.” Ass.

Those hairy bastards fucking LOVED us!

Chris continues his verbal abuse by telling KM that her refusal to admit she screwed up and her insistence on watching the video “sucked” and makes him hate her. KM, somehow unfazed by the tragedy of having such a noble person as Chris Kirkpatrick not like her, dryly repeats that if she had a do-over, she would do things differently, and she apologizes for that.

Chris switches from abusive shit-stirrer mode to magnanimous prick mode (really, it’s a fine line), and spreads his arms wide, announcing, “You did something there that just blew me away. All you did was say ‘I’m sorry’ and that’s all we want!” KM tells the guys to focus on the positives, and know that she has their best interests at heart. Rich says that’s all he needed to hear, and Jeff thanks her for taking the time to meet with them and listen. Jeff teases Bryan to let someone else get in a word in next time, and Bryan smiles bashfully. Wow, Timmons. Two episodes without self-important whining, and now a semi-funny joke to boot? I can officially start doodling Mrs. Jeff Timmons on my TrapperKeeper.

Later that morning, we briefly see Bryan working out with Kristia, his personal trainer. Bryan has lost 8 pounds, which is great but really boring, so moving on.

It’s now 1 p.m. and KM is back to announce that the guys are going to shoot their first music video! Everyone looks excited as she explains that she has a director lined up, but then she tells them to think more “Youtube” than “MTV” when making this video. This of course is a euphemism for VH1 doesn’t want to waste its money on this piece of crap, so unless you got some elliptical or balance ball dance routines up your sleeves, good luck.

Rich, who came up with such brilliant band names as “Unstable” and “STEREO(type)”, suggests that the video should be people throwing tomatoes at Sureshot because they hate boy banders. This is actually decently received by the others, and Rich says that they should diffuse the corny by being as corny as possible. Yet another word that Rich apparently doesn’t understand. He should really hook up with Amber, just to keep such idiocy contained to one bloodline.

Ruh-roh! Jeff must not have gotten the Matching Shirts Day memo

The next day, Chris tells us that they’re going to do a funny video instead of a serious one, because if they make fun of themselves first, it won’t be as fun for other people to make fun of them. Nice try, B. Rabbit, but you guys have given us way more material than you can “diffuse” in a three minute video. The guys brainstorm some more, and between the cricket chirping they come up with throwing bologna at people, wizards, and wearing bunny costumes and top hats. Uh… huh.

Rich tells us that if things go right, they’re going to make the greatest video of all time, they will have caught the most important images on video ever, and the world will be better place. I think he’s joking, but he says this so deadpanned – and he’s so stupid – that who knows. It could go either way. He then asks the other guys what the video will have to do with the song, and Chris says nothing, and Rich thinks that’s good. I agree that some of the best music videos have nothing to do with the song they’re for, but none of them involved throwing bologna at the artists.

Chris and Rich then go out to buy costumes for the shoot, since they’re the “opposite of geniuses” behind the project. I think that would be called “dumbasses”, Chris. They arrive at the costume shop, which has a horrible, scary clown outside. I fucking hate clowns. My Brownie troupe went to a haunted house one year, and there was some d-bag in there dressed up as It. He moved as if he was going to grab me, and I took off screaming, literally knocking over several people as I ran for the door. It was every Brownie for herself, sisterhood be damned. Let’s just say I didn’t earn that “Loyalty” badge that year.

So the guys get past the clown without being disemboweled, and start trying on costumes. Cue the tired montage of them acting zany! After a few minutes of filler footage, the guys decide on the following: Chris will be a Viking, Jeff will be Elvis, Bryan will be the Little Caesar’s guy, umm I mean Nero, and Rich will make Abraham Lincoln roll over in his grave a few times. These costumes will fit in perfectly with their tomato-bologna-wizard-bunny-top hat premise.

Pizza! Pizza!

At the shoot, we see this video is even worse than imagined. The final storyline is that they’re all boy banders, and everyone hates them and throws tomatoes at them. KM, standing off-camera, is one of the tomato-tossers (well that sounded unintentionally raunchy, now didn’t it?), and she is clearly enjoying pelting these idiots with the nasty things (after clowns, tomatoes come in number two on my hate list. It’s one of my many issues). The main heckler of the boy banders is a wizard, and the wizard starts chasing them all over the place, trying to turn them into anything but boy banders. Like, I dunno, a Viking, or Elvis, or Nero, or Abe Lincoln. See it all fits! Well, except the bologna. And the top hat wearing rabbits. But close enough.

Chris tells us that the point of the video was for him and Rich to try to make each other laugh as much as possible, which sounds like a surefire recipe for commercial success. Of any of them, Chris should know best what works and what doesn’t, so this is yet again him not giving a shit about the outcome of this project whereas the other guys do have something at stake and will pay the price. Chris even says to the guys that he thinks that the video will only be funny to them, and they all laugh. Morons. Utter morons. I wonder if Bryan will still be laughing the next time he collects welfare. Poverty always cracks me up, how ’bout you?

Rich tells us that he looked exactly like Abe Lincoln, his face looked the same (which from the pictures I’ve seen is not something worth bragging about, sorry Mr. President), his height looked the same, and his honesty looked the same. Oh Rich, honey, it’d be best for you not to talk and just stand there and try not to look puffy, mmkay?

Merlin, Nero, and Abe, chillin’ like villains in purgatory.

Rich doesn’t heed my advice, and plows on with this gem: making this video was the greatest day of his life, and one day he might have a child, and that’ll be… the second best day of his life. It’s not like he said this spur-of-the-moment, “This is the greatest day of my life, woo hoo!” No, he sat there and looked at the camera and thought it out carefully: 1- music video. 2- birth of first child. Poor Baby Cronin. Stupid and unloved.

Speaking of babies – surprisingly I don’t mean either Chris or Jeff – Bryan’s wife and little girl have arrived Chez Kirkpatrick to spend some time with daddy. Jeff comes up to greet Kim, and they exchange a very awkward hug and peck on the cheek. Jeff tells us that he doesn’t think Kim likes him that much because when he and Bryan were on the road together there were some problems. When were 98 degrees and Color Me Badd on the road together? I can’t believe I missed the Worst Tour Ever (soon to be usurped by Britney: The Comeback). I guess the better question is what are these mysterious problems Jeff refers to? Drinking? Possibly. We don’t see Jeff drink much on the show, but he did get a DUI last year (there’s a lovely mug shot on Wikipedia if you’re interested). Dude, figuring this out is way more interesting than the actual show. I’m going to guess it involves strippers, crack rocks and little people, not necessarily in that order.

All we do find out about this little love triangle is that Jeff thinks Kim thinks Jeff judges Bryan too much, and he thinks Kim doesn’t think Jeff supports Bryan enough. In other news, Chris thinks Jeff thinks that Bryan thinks that Rich thinks Chris is a tool. And they’re all right. Jeff stands around awkwardly and tells Kim that Bryan is doing well, and she should be proud, but she’s still too miffed about this to really respond. (the following video is slightly NSFW): click here to watch!

The next morning, KM is back to bring the guys a choreographer for their show at Mansion, as well as some dancers for them to audition and cast in their show. Chris screams “I LIKE IT” and starts positioning himself on the couch. KM and the choreographer (whose name I didn’t even catch, he was so blah) quickly clarify that the casting will take place downstairs in Jeannie’s Bottle and not on Chris’s lap. There is a collective sigh of relief from the ladies waiting in the hall.

Rich tells us he thinks Bryan’s an idiot, because he decided to have his wife come the day they’re having 14 really hot girls with big boobs, nice buns, and slutty clothes rolling through the house. I actually think this was smart of Bryan, since the wife is the ultimate cock-blocker. Seeing as though he’s already been divorced twice, he probably needs all the blocking he can get.

Turns out Bryan evidently has a little bit in common with Ross Gellar. No, none of his ex-wives are lesbians (to my knowledge…), but it looks like his “thing” is to get divorced. He does his best to pave the way to number three by telling us this situation must be pretty threatening to Kim, walking into a room full of young, pretty women. You just called your wife old and ugly, dude. As Phoebe would say, you love divorce so much you’re going to marry it, and then divorce it, Divorcing Guy.

Chris agrees that there could be some jealousy unless you’re a really confident woman. As he says this, we get alternating shots of limber dancer girls stretching on the floor, and Kim huddled upstairs with the baby, peering down nervously. I can’t say I blame her. What woman wouldn’t be insecure around a bunch of girls with abs of steel who can put their legs behind their ears on command?

The guys head downstairs for the auditions, and Chris acts like a 13-year-old virgin who just found “Pants Off Dance Off” for the first time. He’s drooling, screaming that the girls are making his head hurt (um, ew), shouting that this was such a great idea, looking upward and thanking God, the works. It’s just really gross. You can practically see the moment he needs a clean pair of pants. Not like this justifies his reaction, but this “audition” is obviously fake, the girls having been told to act as sexy as possible. Basically, they’re all gyrating on the stage, lying on the floor, opening their legs, etc. It’s all boring and contrived, broken up by various comments and grunts by Chris that turn my stomach more than what he usually says does.

Dude, take care of that in private.

Bryan and Jeff are acting pretty professional so far, and while Rich has a shit-eating grin on his face, at least he’s keeping his comments to himself for the most part. One thing he does say: “This is the second best day of my life!” Ouch, and Baby Cronin takes another hit! I wonder where on Rich’s best day list Baby Cronin will eventually wind up. I’m guessing somewhere below the 2-for-1 dinner special at Old County Buffet, and somewhere slightly above the day-long marathon of Rob Schneider films on TBS.

The guys debate and decide upon a few of the Pussycats. Jeff tells us that while the guys had a good time, they tried to do it with as much class as they could. I actually am surprised with how well he and Bryan handled themselves consider- yeah. Never mind.

The epitome of class

We intrude on Bryan and Kim in the middle of a spat. Bryan tells us that he thought Kim would handle being compared to actual young, pretty females better than she did, and instead she was waiting upstairs boiling. For the record, I think Kim is a cute woman, especially considering she has an infant daughter and she’s pregnant with number 2. From what we hear of the fight, it sounds like Kim is just saying that she didn’t come all the way to Orlando to be cooped up in Chris’s house and for Bryan to be too busy to spend any time with her. VH1, intent on spinning this as a jealousy-based fight, has the guys all comment on the situation.

Rich tells us that Bryan could use more support, and less guilt. Jeff informs us that it’s very hard for people not in the business to be with someone who is in the business, because it feels like the temptations and the success are going to change them and take them away from them. Can ya tell Jeff is divorced himself? You can practically hear him screaming his ex’s name in his head during that rant. He goes on to say that Bryan loves Kim, and the only thing that’ll drive Bryan away from Kim is Kim, and her lack of support, lack of faith and negative vibe. Passive aggression at its finest, gasmii!

Bryan adds that he thinks that Kim’s afraid that he’s going to up and take off because his music is starting up again. “She’s afraid something’s going to happen because of how I was with – I’ve had 2 exes before, and I couldn’t handle the arguments and the jealousy, so I upped and walked,” he says. How you were with whom, eh, Divorcing Guy?

The guys go back downstairs to show their producer, Bryan Michael Cox, their music video. They’re nervous, and Cox tells us that he doesn’t think making fun of yourself in your video is a good idea. They watch the video, which sadly I cannot find on Youtube or anywhere else on the Internet (doesn’t that defeat the whole point of this thing?). It truly is the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and even if you don’t regularly watch this show I recommend catching a rerun just so you can see this monstrosity.

Cox does not look amused at all. His reaction is lukewarm to their faces, and then he tells us that he’s worried the guys are making themselves into a joke. Yep, I’m afraid so, Cox.

Previews: The guys stare creepily while the Pussycats practice, technical difficulties abound at the Mansion show, and Chris continues to prove he’s a long-lost Donato as he screams obscenities at KM.