Married to Rock: Cloning Plastic People

Greetings Gasmii!  How’s the Thanksgiving madness treating you?  Any horrible relatives around?  Just remember, booze exists for a reason, and coping with the people who share your genetic coding is that reason.  So grab a drink, kick Uncle Creepy off the computer (he’s just looking for casual encounters on Craigslist anyway), and join me as we mock the wives of famous rock musicians.

Some more mockable than others…

This week begins in the home of the Farrells.  Perry is making some music with his wife, and they’re battling a loud-ass evil cricket.  Perry says he’s going to murder that cricket and its entire family. Etty says that Perry is child-like and creative, but I don’t see anything immature about wanting to murder a cricket in your recording studio.  I don’t even have a recording studio and I’ve been known to take my aggressions out on hapless insects from time to time.

You should maybe take some of that anger out on whoever sold you that shirt

Over at some county fair, Skankasaurus and Nikki Suxx are discussing his many groupies (haha, all four of them) and how Skanky needs to clone herself in order to stay close to her man and keep his eye from wandering.

Okay, I let you touch me for a picture. Can I meet Billy Idol now?

Okay, first of all, you’re a moron.  He’s not gonna cheat just because you’re not around.  The fact that you’re not around just gives him the opportunity, and unless you’re planning on installing security cameras in that clone, it ain’t gonna do shit to distract your douche-bag husband from the three or four girls desperate enough to actually have sex with him.  Second of all, I’m terrified enough that there’s one of you in the world.  Do NOT make a second one.  I’m barely clinging to the hope that all your elective surgeries have somehow left you sterile and guaranteed you won’t be procreating.  Don’t take that hope away from me.

Cloning is never a good idea

With that Nikki Suxx goes off on his tour of Six Flags and says he’ll be back in a week.

Model Wife is driving around with Skankasaurus, and Skanky says that she watched a documentary about men who were in love with Real Dolls, and she thinks the obvious solution is to make a Real Doll of herself for Nikki Suxx.

And, for the record, this is not a documentary

Okay, I see two problems with that.  One: How the fuck is anyone gonna tell you apart from a rubber doll that looks like you?  I mean, you are, effectively, made of plastics.  Combine that with your vacant expression and no one will know which is the real (okay, real-er) Skankasaurus until you open your mouth.

Real or doll…?

Two: If there’s a version of you that’s exactly like you except that it doesn’t talk, there’s a serious risk that your hubby will choose the mute version that doesn’t paint his kitchen pink, and he’ll wind up on the next one of those documentaries.

Skanky got a full body scan, and is taking Model Wife in to get molds done of her hands and feet.  They drive to some terrifying shack in the middle of the Ozarks where some creepy ass dude with a Mohawk makes creepy life-like dolls for a living.

This one didn’t exactly start off very lifelike though

It’s gotta be tough to talk to customers who look so much like your dolls.  I wonder how often this dude starts talking to one of his dolls thinking it’s a real live skanky bitch.

You got a purty mouth

Model Wife tells Skanky that she should also get a hoo-hoo mold done so the doll is completely realistic.  Skanky is concerned that her hubby will be off-put wondering who was all up in her bidness laying down molding latex in her lady bits.  But, never fear!  Creepster offers to teach Model Wife how to do the mold so that she can get all up in Skanky’s meat curtains instead of him.  I guess even lonely doll makers have their limits as to where they’ll voluntarily put their hands.

That would be a gloved hand painting a hoo-hoo.  You’re welcome.

Model Wife agrees, and while she’s applying the vagina-putty Skankasaurus keeps yelling things like, “Oh! It’s nasty!” and “Oh! It feels so weird.”  Ten bucks says that Model Wife is thinking the exact same thing.

Good lord someone burn that stick in a hurry.

They finish and remove the mold, and Model Wife says she had a blast doing it and wouldn’t mind molding genitals for a living.  Well hey, it’s good to have goals.  I guess…

Say what you will about MW’s cuntiness, but do YOU have any friends that would blow dry your genitals?

Back over with the Farrells, we find out that Etty has decided to stop dancing with Jane’s Addiction so that she can focus on singing.  She’s auditioning new dancers to take her place.  It looks like Etty is in favor of a girl named Kerry, who is kinda hot in a very skanky way.

This can’t possibly end well

Perry shows up and says he doesn’t want any of those girls on his stage.  Etty tells him she’s done dancing and she wants him to be supportive.  He looks like a sad little puppy and tells her he wants to cry because in his heart it feels wrong.  Awwwwww… He’s such a cute little guy.

This look from the, “My wife is about to turn into a jealous bitch” collection

So back to Skankasaurus and her terrifying purple and pink house.  Creepster has shown up to deliver her doll and she’s all aflutter with excitement.

I hope ya don’t mind, but I took ‘er for a test spin.  I think she gave me crabs.

She immediately gropes her, and bitches about how she looks all luded out.   Well, that just adds to the realism sweetheart.  They box up the doll and ship it off to Nikki Suxx, who will no doubt spend at least twenty minutes talking to it before he realizes it’s not actually his wife.

You’re such a good listener

Skanky takes the doll down to Box Brothers (haha, love that name) to ship it off to whatever hotel her deluded husband is staying at, and the gentleman working the desk looks a bit… concerned.

Have fun trying to sleep with this image burned into your skull

Aaaand, back at the dance auditions, Etty is doing some one-on-one with Kerry, and says she’s gonna go with her.  Really?  You picked the hot Asian?  I’ve got ten bucks that says this is an insecure bitch-fight just waiting to happen.

Will be your last cause there’s no way I’m gonna not lose my shit the second you touch my husband

Since our editors have ADD or something this week, we flash right back over to Skanky, who is on the phone with her hubby.  He apparently didn’t make it back to his hotel the night before, so he never got her package.  God I hope some snot-nosed kid saw a giant box sitting on the doormat and ran off with it, only to be traumatized and vow never to steal again.  And also possibly be turned off from women for the rest of his natural life.

That’s not what my mommy said women looked like naked

Skankasaurus calls the hotel, who tells her that they had to refuse delivery because the recipient already checked out.  UPS says that they show the package was delivered, and they open up an investigation into the matter.  **fingers crossed for traumatized child**

Okay, that was almost a solid minute spent on one story line.  Better jump right back to the other!  Quick!

It’s the first day for Perry and the band to rehearse with the new girl.  Etty asks him if he’s excited and he says yeah, sure.  Then she asks him again, but with a slightly psycho girl tone, and he quickly catches on and says he’s excited, but not in his pants.

This look from the “There’s no way you’re winning this argument” collection

She wants to know why he’s excited, and he says it’s because he’s getting back with the guys and it’s a new chapter and it was her idea and he’s trying to get into it because it’s what she wants.  She tells him to go enjoy it, but in that TONE that implies that if he enjoys even one second of it she’ll put his balls in a mason jar on top of the fridge.  Did I call that insecure bitch-fight or what?

Maybe coffee isn’t the answer right now there, sparky.

Perry tries to smooth the situation over, and Etty tries to pretend she’s cool with it even as she glares at the back of his head while he leaves.

Somebody had a cup of bitch juice for breakfast

Model Wife takes Etty out to lunch, and Etty bitches and moans about how devastated she is that Jane’s is practicing without her.  Umm… Shut the fuck up, bitch!  You quit the band.  It’s not like they kicked you out or something.  If you wanna dance with em then fucking dance with em.  No one’s stopping you.  You made the decision to “Focus on the singing” so cope with that decision like a grown-up.  Grrr.  I kinda wanna punch you in the ovaries right now.

Thank god I can’t make expressions with my face anymore.

She freaks out and tells Model Wife how much she’s freaking out, and then convinces her to come spy on the band with her.  Yay!  Crazy people acting like crazy people is so much more entertaining than when they pretend to be sane.  Thanks so much, reality TV gods.  I owe ya one!

The ladies show up and peer in a window, only to find Perry alone with Kerry, rehearsing.  Etty and MW storm in and ask where everyone is.  Perry says everyone left already, and there’s a big long awkward silence.

I kinda get the impression that Perry could turn on a jukebox just by hitting it right now

MW gets uncomfortable and says she has to go, and Etty says she’ll just ride back with Perry.  Perry shows Etty some of the moves they’ve come up with, and Etty says that she’s trying not to be a jealous unreasonable psycho.   Well shoog, it’s nice of you to try and all, but you’ve clearly failed.

I knew I should have picked that fat girl that smelled like ketchup

Later that day, in the Farrell-mobile, Perry tells Etty that she was right and that the dancer is great and everyone likes her.  Etty asks him what he thinks of her, and he says she’s trying to do that scary girl thing where there’s no right answer and he’s scared.

He may suck at dressing himself, but he can smell a bitchquake coming from a mile away

Etty tells him that he’s supposed to say that the new girl is good, but not nearly as good as his wife, so I guess that means she doesn’t want his actual opinion.  She just wants him to say whatever will make her feel less insecure.

Tell me I’m pretty or I’ll drive this car off the nearest bridge

Perry says from a professional stand-point the new girl is hot and a great dancer and has nice legs, and Etty freaks out on him for looking at her legs.  Um… Aren’t you supposed to looks at dancers’ legs?  I mean, isn’t that where a good portion of the dancing comes from?

Perry tells Etty she’s crazy, and compares it to some of his previous experiences with threesomes and the girl whose idea it was getting all jealous of the third party.  This makes Etty even more upset, as she’s never had a threesome.  Perry says that he has and that’s what happens, and I’m sorry but if you’re married to a famous rock musician you shouldn’t be surprised that he’s had his share of group sex.  You’re lucky he’s not off having it still.  Just shut the fuck up before I hate you.  I mean, I hate you already for this episode, but Perry is so adorable and being a psycho bitchface to him does not score you any points.

Marry this guy and I’ll be your personal cheering section if you wanna be a cunt-bot

Back over at the Hello Kitty Hostel, Skankasaurus is receiving her clone back from UPS.  Skanky says that the box is different than the one she sent the doll in originally, and berates the poor delivery guy about it.

“Why is this box different?”

“Why is your house purple?”

She gets out a crowbar, and shows us all why the feminist movement hasn’t had more success.  After some unspecified time-lapsed period of tapping the box and yelling at the box and doing everything but actually PRYING with the crow-bar, Skanky calls up MW to bitch her out about her own inabilities to open a fucking box.

NOT how a crowbar works

Neither is that

Back with the Farrells, Etty apologizes for being mean to Perry.  He says that he was just as upset about having a different girl in there, and she says she wants to keep dancing with the band.  They have a cute little make-up session, and with that the bitch goes back in the box.

You MADE OUT with his friend just a couple episodes ago, skank!  How’s about we back the crazy-train up for a stopover in Self-realization-ville.

Back over at Casa De Skank,  where they’re trying to get a bitch out of a box, MW has arrived with “Tools” that are for no apparent reason in a Sephora bag.  Pretty sure they don’t sell hammers at Sephora, but hey, what do I know?

I brought eyelash curlers and an $80 set of tweezers…

She’s got a drill, and they use it to open the box.  Inside the outer wooden box is Skanky’s original box, which they open.  Inside they find the doll dirty, beheaded, broken, and abused.  Baha.  Looks like my theory about the traumatized child wasn’t so far off.  This is hilarious.

No really, she looks better like that

Oooh!  This is how Se7en ended.

They set out to clean the doll, but Skanky finds sand in the doll’s hoo-hoo and freaks out.  MW says they should just vacuum out the dolls naughty bits.

Might wanna burn that vacuum

And that sponge

I’d be concerned about sanitizing it as well.  Well, I would if the real thing didn’t already have every STD known to man.  I guess the syphilis will make it all the more realistic.

Best screenshot ever!  Skanky’s top falls down and MW pulls it back up while a headless doll gives her head.

Later, Nikki Suxx arrives home to find the doll.  He looks very confused, and I don’t blame him cause I’m not sure which is which either.  He says he likes her, but I think he’s more scared than excited.

I guess I could use her to exploit the carpool lane…

And with that we end another exciting week of non-action.  I think the moral of the story is that you shouldn’t ship replicas of your genitals across state lines.  And if you do, make sure you ship it signature required with delivery confirmation.  Cause ew.

So what did you think, Gasmii?  Was that doll just a terrible idea from the start?  What do you think happened to it in transit?  Is Etty still the least annoying, or did her bitchiness knock her down a few pegs?

Oh, and here’s a picture of Stella going all nuts over her first snow.  Just cause…