Married to Rock: Douche-kiss

Hey hey loyal readers.  After the massive train-wreck that was Sister Wives, I’ve now moved on to recapping what could potentially be an even bigger train-wreck.  Or maybe this one would be more like a bus-wreck.  And that bus would have wrecked right into a strip-mall containing a free clinic, a Hot Topic, a spray-tan salon, and a botox practitioner.  Now, I haven’t watched this show yet, as I prefer to recap as I make my first viewing, but my guess is that the lesson we will all glean from this show is that alimony is expensive and pre-nups are never a bad idea.  Let’s peer inside the lives of some bags of saline and collagen that managed to snag themselves some rock stars.  Dare to dream, little girls.  Someday this could be you.

College is for homely girls.

We open on Perry and Etty Farrell.  You all know who Perry Farrell is.  He was the front-man for Jane’s Addiction, and then later Porno for Pyro’s.  His wife is a very attractive Asian woman who used to be in training to be a ballerina.

At some point she hung up her ballet shoes, put on some booty shorts, and started shakin’ it for the likes of Madonna, Ricky Martin, and Bon Jovi.  Her fake boobies and overabundance of make-up make me sad, because I’m fairly certain she would be beautiful without the hooker chic look.

And she can do this

She talks about how her husband used to be a drug addict, but isn’t anymore.  He’s also helping her to pursue her dream of singing.  Thus far the producers don’t let us hear her sing, so more than likely she’s awful at it.  Her and Perry have a couple of boys, but we just barely see the backs of their heads, and no one tells us their names.  Family first, eh E!?

Next we visit the home of Josie and Steve Stevens.  They have lots of  Kid Robot toys around the house, which makes me briefly like them, but then I see them and I stop liking them.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselveLadies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a trainwreck

Steve looks like a bloated second-rate Nikki Sixx impersonator, and Josie looks like a blow-up doll who should be competing for the heart of Brett Michaels.  In case you’ve never heard of Steve (I know I hadn’t) he used to play guitar for Billy Idol.

Seriously, do you not own a mirror?

They met at a porno store, and everything else has been sunshine and annoying giggles and giant hair and denial of ones own age and level of relevancy.  Josie tells us she’s not as stupid as she looks, so plus one for awareness of how dumb she looks, but minus one for lack of awareness of how dumb she actually is.  I know she’s only been on my screen for two minutes and all, but I’m pretty sure she’s not packing any quantum physics textbooks in her Barbie Dream Suitcase.

Do you think her implants would put her over the legal liquid/gel carry-on limit?

Steve is going off on tour, and Josie is going to go to Lollapalooza with “Her girls.”  I’m assuming her girls are the other wives on this show, but that’s just a guess.  She talks about keeping her man happy when he’s on the road by sending him nakey Skype transmissions, because if she doesn’t keep him happy then the groupies will move in.  Hmmm… Might be a concern for Perry Farrell’s wife, because at least he was relevant at one point, but I think douche-tard husband is probably exaggerating the number of ladies throwing their panties at him while he plays back up for some local band at a state fair.

Lock up your wives

Our next Rock couple is Susan and Duff McKagan.  Duff was the bassist for Guns N Roses and Velvet Revolver, and his wife is another one that would be super pretty if she’s stop paying doctors to stretch her face back over her head.

I will devour your souuuul

What’s up with all these women?  They look like they’re being born.  That’s not attractive.

Seriously. Your face should only look like this when it’s being squeezed out of a vagina

They’ve been married since 1999, and my suspicions are confirmed when I see how absolute gorgeous Susan is in their wedding video.  I fucking hate plastic surgery.  Girls with a few wrinkles look so much better than girls who’ve had their faces paralyzed and their lips blown up to the size of hot-dogs.  Please… Ladies… I beg of you.  Stop cutting your faces!

So much better here

Susan talks about Lollapalooza with her husband, who is watching her pack up her things.  They have two daughters, and apparently rock star daddy took them to see Justin Beiber not too long ago.  Now I hate the Beiber and all, but Dad gets major points for willingly showing his face at one of his concerts just to make his daughters happy.  That’s some father of the year shit right there.

Picture this guy at a Beiber show.

He says he was the only guy there (I hope he means including the main act), and he talks shit about all the moms that were there with their kids and dressed up like total skanks.  His wife agrees that moms dressed like whores is not attractive, but we’ve yet to get a definitive answer on whether she herself is one of those moms.  Also, kinda love this husband.  He looks and sounds like a burned out surf-bum, he clearly doesn’t take himself all that seriously (as evidenced by the Beiber) and he’s showing signs of being a caring a devoted father.  I’m team Guns and Roses right now, but they have a whole season to change my mind.

When were caterpillar eyebrows “in”?

Susan explains that she was a model for a long time before she met Duff, and she had plenty of money coming into the relationship.  She quit modeling when she got pregnant, started her own swim-wear line, and is very successful on her own.  Another reason to like these guys.  Pretty sure neither one of them is staying married for the other one’s money.

Last we meet AJ Celi, who is dating Billy Duffy of The Cult.  Umm… This show is called Married to Rock.  It’s not Dating Rock, okay?  This woman is an impostor.   But, her boyfriend was in an awesome British punk band, and so I’m cutting her some slack. She tells Billy she wants to dress like a skank and show off her goodies at Lollapalooza, while also telling the camera that she wants Billy to marry her already.

Does this shirt make my nipples look blurry?

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t usually marry girls who run around rock music festivals with their nips hanging out.  Sleep with?  Sure.  Date?  Maybe.  But marry?  Hell to the no.

The face of a man not pondering how he’s gonna propose

Etty Farrell tells us all about what Lollapalooza is, and how Perry started the whole festival for Jane’s Addiction back in the day.  Josie Stevens skanks her way across the airport, and earns the show’s first official nick-name.  I’m so calling this bitch Skankasaurus.  Oh, and her husband is Nikki Suxx.  Can you tell which ones are already on my nerves?

Those jerks made me check my boobs.

Meanwhile Etty’s mother wrangles their children in the compound, which is what they call the row of trailers for the Farrells at Lollapalooza, while Perry gets the news from his manager that some band he thought was playing isn’t going to be playing.  They say the name, and I rewound it three times, but I have no idea what they said.  Either way, Perry decides that to fill the gap in the schedule he will DJ a set, and have Etty come up and sing.  I’m so torn between hoping she doesn’t suck, because her mom and kids are there, and hoping she’s fucking awful, because it’d be funny.  She tells us it would be her first time ever singing in front of a crowd.

What?  This is an amazing coincidence.  I certainly didn’t plan this in any way.

Skankasaurus is on her laptop dressed like a syphilis inflicted schoolgirl/stripper.  Nikki Suxx can’t get his network to work, so they get denied on the video sex.  That’s good.  There’s a computer virus/Trojan joke in here somewhere, but let’s move on shall we.

My operating system burns when I pee

The three ladies who aren’t married to Perry Farrell show up, with Skankasaurus now looking like a Powerpuff hooker plus thirty pounds of bling.  I officially want to kick this woman in the teeth.

The fourth Powerpuff Girl, Butterslut was deemed too racy for Cartoon Network

Susan, who has not yet earned a nickname, is dressed exactly like Jessica Simpson in The Dukes of Hazard.  So much for moms not dressing skanky, huh?  Still, stand her next to Skankasaurus and she looks like she’s on her way to a convent.

She’s like the fat friend, but for trashiness

The Imposter, despite claims of showing off her goodies, is dressed fairly tastefully.  They meet up with Etty, who also still needs a nickname, and have a toast with some rose champagne, which I would love to make a joke about (cause it’s kind of a trashy hooker drink) but I love the stuff.  Then again, I’m kind of a trashy hooker, so that might be why.

TheMiki being a trashy hooker at a very fancy formal event (I’m the one actually drinking in all the pictures)

We follow the girls to the club.  Perry is with them, Djing and hanging out with his friend Rob, who Etty tells us she just adores.  She’s talking to Rob while Perry spins, telling him she’s so tired and all her friends got to go back to the hotel to get some sleep, but she’ll be out late supporting her husband.  And then Rob starts blatantly hitting on her.  Dude!  There are fucking cameras!!!  E! has been kind enough to close-caption your misguided attempts at fuckery for us.  I know she’s pretty.  Even though I’m not a fan of all the make-up and bleach blond hair, she’s still stunning, but there’s no way your buddy Perry ain’t gonna find out about this.  You’re a moron.

Smooth, dude

Rob gets handsy, and then swoops in and kisses Etty.  She just kinda stands there and lets him kiss her, but then to the cameras she freaks out a little, and starts saying how she’s not sure if she should tell her husband or not.  Well sweetie, if you weren’t on TV right now I’d say that’s the sort of thing you could possibly consider not sharing, but since that shit’s about to be all over a second-rate cable network, I’d say telling him is probably your one and only choice.

Or you could just wait for him to see this…

The next morning, Etty rounds up Susan and tells her all about the Rob situation. Susan tells her she shouldn’t say anything, proving that she’s maybe not all that bright.  Come on ladies!  Cameras!!!!

E! is a classy network.  I don’t think they’ll show that kiss on TV

Today is the day that Etty will be performing for the first time ever, and on top of all her nerves she just spotted Rob, the kiss-rapist, standing right by the stage.

Just gonna stand here… Being douchey…

Perry is really into his whole Djing thing, and if any of you have been following my recaps for any sort of length of time you know how I feel about Djs.  They’re walking mixtapes with entitlement issues, and I hate them.  I’m gonna let him slide though, because he’s Perry fucking Farrell.

Out of respect I muted my TV and pretended he was playing “Been Caught Stealing”

Anyways, Etty makes her way out on stage while her kids watch and look really really bored.

Mommy’s flashing her vag, kids!  Pay attention.

Moment of truth!  She sings a Blondie song, and isn’t good enough to win a karaoke contest at a local dive-bar, but isn’t bad enough for it to be hilarious either.  Mediocrity with a side of nerves-related pitch problems.  Meh.  She’s great at shakin her stuff on stage though, and singers have built entire careers on less.

Exhibit A

She tells us all how amazing it felt to get up there, and then Rob comes over to congratulate her.  She introduces him to Susan, and Susan kinda cuntily tells him that they have to go.  That’s not a dig on Susan at all either.  That dude deserved some cuntery directed his way.  He’s a massive bag of douche.

I’ll just be over here… Being a douche… If ya need me…

Back at the hotel, Skankaurus is either all dressed up for a Skype session, or she’s in her Sunday best.  It’s so hard to tell with whore levels this high.

Okay, so I’m all set to pick up Gramma for church…

Nikki Suxx has his shades on for the chat session, thus making me dislike him even further.   He has to run off for sound check, so they once again don’t get to masturbate in front of webcabs for each other.  Darn.

Dude. Just stop.

Meanwhile, over with people we don’t yet want to kick in the teeth, Perry and Etty are driving, and Perry mentions that she’s been acting kind of weird to him and asks if there’s anything wrong.  She assures him that he didn’t do anything wrong, and he looks like a sad little puppy thinking he messed up somehow.

How could you be mean to that face?

He’s actually kinda precious.  When they get back to the compound she tells Perry about Douche-Rob and the kiss-rape.  Perry just sits there in silence for second, then asks if there was tongue.  She says no tongue, but long kiss nonetheless.  Perry very calmly says that Rob just broke up with his girlfriend and he was very drunk and very sad, and he’s sure he didn’t mean any disrespect.  Wow.  Perry Farrell is either the nicest guy on earth, or a gigantic shmuck.

This is the most worked up we see Perry get. Seriously.

Perry goes so far as to say that he doesn’t blame him for wanting his wife, since she’s hot and he knows how it feels to want her.  He says he’ll kill him if he does it again, but that Etty should be nice to him and try and cheer him up, so long as said cheering doesn’t involve any tongue.  He tells her not to worry about it, and gives her a kiss.  Awwww… they’re sweet.  Rob is still a douche though.

Awwwwwww.  Now you taste like Douche.

Over at the home of Skankasaurus and Nikki Suxx, the happy couple are talking on the phone and holy fuck that crazy bitch turned their kitchen into some sort of Hello Kitty dream palace.  Even the fucking microwave is pink.  This is so not okay.

I think the repo men show up to collect your testicles if you live here

And the living room is purple and the room she walks past is pink and how in the name of fuck does a dude actually live here????  Anyway, Nikki Suxx flies home to fuck his blow-up doll, and with that we draw to a close this series premier.

Let’s make this a quicky! I have to get this doll back to the midway before my set starts or they’ll deduct it from my pay.

So hey, these bitches aren’t as horrible as I thought, and I like what little I’ve seen of their husbands.  It’s like a fully functional-ish group of semi-famous people, except for the Skank couple.  Perry is kinda looking like the sweetest dude in the history of time, but we’re only one episode in so we’ll see how it goes.  Etty hasn’t done anything super awful, but I’m not a fan of how she just let Douche-Rob kiss her and didn’t say or do anything about it.  I think she’s got some crazy in her that will come out as the season progresses.  We didn’t see much of the other two couples, so I’m withholding judgment on them until at least the next episode.

What’d you think Gasmii?  Was it weird how Etty didn’t really do anything about her husband’s friend hitting on her?  Do you wanna kick the Slut-bot as badly as I do?  Are you liking anyone?  Hating anyone?  Disappointed by the lack of drama?